BlueWeepingRose
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jan 18, 2016
- Messages
- 31
I had a best friend and I met him at the beach. He saw right away that I was sad and that something was wrong. My mother was waiting inside the car for me and he wrote down his facebook and number. He told me to call him and add him on Facebook, he had a gentle smile and tried to hug me and I kinda pushed him back and he chuckled and didn't push it further.
As I added him on Facebook, we both chatted and that was it. Than finally I called him and sobbed to him and told him I had a nightmare. He drove over and I ran out and was sobbing, after he relaxed me I finally opened up to him and told him about the abuse that I went through with my ex boyfriend and I knew him for three months and didn't even see him once in person. I was basically isolating myself inside my house and didn't even work or go to college. My life was going down the drain and I wasn't living my life. He had a girlfriend, they seemed happy together. The more closer I looked he seemed very sad and cried in the bathroom and I seemed very cautious at first. Than his girlfriend came right out bluntly and told me how he wouldn't stop going on about him being sexully abused when he was a child by his mother and "wouldn't" just get over it. This kinda angered me inside. The more I thought about it through, I truly don't think she understood his pain and tried to talk to her a little bit. One day she broke up with him and he put himself in the hospital because he got severely depressed and I went to go visit him. The minute he saw me, he hugged me and wouldn't let me go. I'll never forget this as long as I live, "We'll always stick together. You're my best friend. You're such a loyal friend to me, thank you." Finally he reached out to me and held my hand and finally for the first time I held a man's hand and I loved the way it felt.
As I got home I remember crying in my sleep because I was so worried about him and I just wanted him to be okay. As he got out he was alright and they put him on medication and he went to therapy and I continued going to therapy for my healing. I even showed him Forums that he could too. I'm not even sure if he signed up for any of them, though I do know he joined groups on Facebook. He joined a lot of the ones I did and he joined a lot of shoegaze music groups and ended up showing me a lot of shoegaze bands. We both saw Mysterious Skin and he said after he watched it once, it was enough for him. I told him he shouldn't watch anymore movies like that anymore and to just watch positive movies. He told me how strong I was and admired me and soon we were falling in love. I doubt either one of us knew it either. One day we saw a movie, he came out of the restroom and kissed me and smiled and I leaned my head on his shoulder and I felt safe with him. We both made ourselves stronger people. There were also times he comforted me too. Sometimes we did this thing where if he was angry he would put something on a note and leave it on his desk because he was bad at explaining things when he was angry. As I got there and read the note, he just looked at me and I just kissed him and let him play his video games as I did something else. Than he would sit beside me on the bed and finally talk to me when he felt better. We were really good at communicating with each other. If I was angry I would do the same thing, I would give him notes. Once I gave him a note that said, "I'm pissed off. South Park is off the air." He was laughing so hard inside his room and just gave me a big hug. Finally we didn't have to leave notes anymore because the anger was leaving us and we became happier or so I thought....
Though he had a group of friends and they all bullied us and I believe this was the downfall of us and so was American Horror Story: Coven. A certain scene in Coven triggered him so badly that he started to abuse Crystal Meth and I was getting extremely depressed that I abused blue's and smoked them. I was honestly scared to abuse Crystal Meth and he told me straight up.
"I don't want you ever trying this..... because it's hard for me to even stop...." He always wanted to stop though he never wouldn't and when he never had it he would be sobbing for it. Anytime I didn't have Blue's I was almost desperate to try Crystal Meth, I always held myself back and than I tried Heroin and he looked at me in great sadness. Once I told him, "Heron is the best thing I ever felt in my life." He got up and left the house. When he came back it looked as if he was sobbing. It's as if he had a love/hate for drugs and I did too. I literally felt happier before I did drugs. Than there was actually times where I was abusing drugs and was crying as I was high and I still find myself crying sometimes. I usually cry inside the shower anytime drugs pop into my mind. Drugs destroyed my life and took away who I was. I numbed everything for so long, until I couldn't feel anything and he did the same thing. There was a time where we both sat in the room and wouldn't even talk. We would just look at each other and knew what it meant, "We need more drugs" It was truly fucking sad. Once I woke up and I was grinding my teeth in my sleep and was sweating. He even told me that I was grinding my teeth. Even my voice came in a hoarse tone and this scared me. He gave us writing, art and listening to music and our memories became a fog. I gave up on everything. Everything. Literally. I didn't care about nothing! All I cared about was drugs or finding drugs. I've even lost weight. I looked so frail and weak. Hated the way I looked in the mirror too. This is what truly got my attention. That night the electric got turned off due to a storm and he put a candle in the bathroom so I could shower and I remember sobbing. I felt so numb inside and I hated it, I hated who I was, I hated how I lied to my family and I hated how I hurt my friends.
One of my old boyfriend's still is angry at me about me abusing drugs. I think a lot of people blame my best friend who I met at the beach. It wasn't his fault at all really. We both were troubled and depressed. Inside I was angry and I could feel the anger still inside of him even though I thought it was gone. I also was numbing the pain for so long from what my ex abusive boyfriend did to me for so long that I needed to numb my pain. I was also still feeling the pain from what father did to me. We both got bullied so much by his friends. There's so much what they said to us that I don't even want to repeat what they said to us.....
I will say this.... They threw beer bottles at us and made a lot of jokes about sexual abuse and rape. If we tried to leave, they cornered us tried to block us from leaving. When we finally did get in his car and try to drive away, they threw their beer bottles at his car and we had to call up the cops on them. One of his friends even poured whiskey over my head and he got up and beat up his friend. I still remember him yelling... "WTF are you doing to her! I love her!!!! Don't you dare hurt the woman I love!!" I was sobbing so hard. I felt disgusted and I felt degraded. That night I still remember crying in the shower as he held me close to him calming me down because my abusive ex boyfriend did the exact thing to me. He gave me one of his pj pants and t-shirt and held me close to him, he promised me I would never have to see his friends ever again and I never did. As I looked into his eyes and cried, I truly felt loved by him and he even kissed my tears. Though we both were addicts....and then deep down I truly wanted us to be clean again. I truly did. As I woke up in the middle of the night I saw him using and I didn't say anything. I faced the other way and cried. He hugged me and told me how much he loved me and that no matter what he wouldn't go anywhere. I believed him, I really did.
Still to this day his old friends still try to harass me and I finally blocked them on Facebook and changed my Facebook account. They harassed/bullied me for months. Now their going to court for it thankfully.
Both of us stood up for ourselves and in the end his friends were not who they thought they were. He even cried in his car and apologized to me and he told me how stupid he felt inside and blamed himself for always being so naive. I honestly could relate to him in so many ways. I truly loved him. He was my better half. I still love him actually. There were times where he would cry while making love to me and I would pull him off of me and tell him that he's not damaged or broken.
He fought his addiction so much and so did I. Finally I got myself clean and the withdrawal was so intense that I called someone for help in the end. As I got out he told me he was going to do the same and I told him he was doing the right thing and how proud I was of him. That night right before he got clean he "used" drugs one last time and he overdosed......
This is why I'm truly depressed and can't stop crying. I was there when he died too and had to give the news to his little brother to not go inside of his room.....
His mother took it rough.
He was a loving brother and always looked after his brother and even made sure his brother never got bullied. He waited for him at the bus stop. I'm now clean from drugs and suffer from nightmares about his death and I still hear his voice inside of my mind. Anytime I see Kyle Spencer's character from Coven I cry right away. I hate the third season from American Horror Story. I won't ever watch it. It triggers me too much. It triggered it and caused him so much pain. Now it gives me pain. I miss him so much. This year when I went to get surgery and when I woke up, I asked the nurses if he was waiting for me in waiting room. There's so much that reminds me of him. I hope one day that I can heal from all of this....
He died of last year in November and I still think of him everyday.
As I added him on Facebook, we both chatted and that was it. Than finally I called him and sobbed to him and told him I had a nightmare. He drove over and I ran out and was sobbing, after he relaxed me I finally opened up to him and told him about the abuse that I went through with my ex boyfriend and I knew him for three months and didn't even see him once in person. I was basically isolating myself inside my house and didn't even work or go to college. My life was going down the drain and I wasn't living my life. He had a girlfriend, they seemed happy together. The more closer I looked he seemed very sad and cried in the bathroom and I seemed very cautious at first. Than his girlfriend came right out bluntly and told me how he wouldn't stop going on about him being sexully abused when he was a child by his mother and "wouldn't" just get over it. This kinda angered me inside. The more I thought about it through, I truly don't think she understood his pain and tried to talk to her a little bit. One day she broke up with him and he put himself in the hospital because he got severely depressed and I went to go visit him. The minute he saw me, he hugged me and wouldn't let me go. I'll never forget this as long as I live, "We'll always stick together. You're my best friend. You're such a loyal friend to me, thank you." Finally he reached out to me and held my hand and finally for the first time I held a man's hand and I loved the way it felt.
As I got home I remember crying in my sleep because I was so worried about him and I just wanted him to be okay. As he got out he was alright and they put him on medication and he went to therapy and I continued going to therapy for my healing. I even showed him Forums that he could too. I'm not even sure if he signed up for any of them, though I do know he joined groups on Facebook. He joined a lot of the ones I did and he joined a lot of shoegaze music groups and ended up showing me a lot of shoegaze bands. We both saw Mysterious Skin and he said after he watched it once, it was enough for him. I told him he shouldn't watch anymore movies like that anymore and to just watch positive movies. He told me how strong I was and admired me and soon we were falling in love. I doubt either one of us knew it either. One day we saw a movie, he came out of the restroom and kissed me and smiled and I leaned my head on his shoulder and I felt safe with him. We both made ourselves stronger people. There were also times he comforted me too. Sometimes we did this thing where if he was angry he would put something on a note and leave it on his desk because he was bad at explaining things when he was angry. As I got there and read the note, he just looked at me and I just kissed him and let him play his video games as I did something else. Than he would sit beside me on the bed and finally talk to me when he felt better. We were really good at communicating with each other. If I was angry I would do the same thing, I would give him notes. Once I gave him a note that said, "I'm pissed off. South Park is off the air." He was laughing so hard inside his room and just gave me a big hug. Finally we didn't have to leave notes anymore because the anger was leaving us and we became happier or so I thought....
Though he had a group of friends and they all bullied us and I believe this was the downfall of us and so was American Horror Story: Coven. A certain scene in Coven triggered him so badly that he started to abuse Crystal Meth and I was getting extremely depressed that I abused blue's and smoked them. I was honestly scared to abuse Crystal Meth and he told me straight up.
"I don't want you ever trying this..... because it's hard for me to even stop...." He always wanted to stop though he never wouldn't and when he never had it he would be sobbing for it. Anytime I didn't have Blue's I was almost desperate to try Crystal Meth, I always held myself back and than I tried Heroin and he looked at me in great sadness. Once I told him, "Heron is the best thing I ever felt in my life." He got up and left the house. When he came back it looked as if he was sobbing. It's as if he had a love/hate for drugs and I did too. I literally felt happier before I did drugs. Than there was actually times where I was abusing drugs and was crying as I was high and I still find myself crying sometimes. I usually cry inside the shower anytime drugs pop into my mind. Drugs destroyed my life and took away who I was. I numbed everything for so long, until I couldn't feel anything and he did the same thing. There was a time where we both sat in the room and wouldn't even talk. We would just look at each other and knew what it meant, "We need more drugs" It was truly fucking sad. Once I woke up and I was grinding my teeth in my sleep and was sweating. He even told me that I was grinding my teeth. Even my voice came in a hoarse tone and this scared me. He gave us writing, art and listening to music and our memories became a fog. I gave up on everything. Everything. Literally. I didn't care about nothing! All I cared about was drugs or finding drugs. I've even lost weight. I looked so frail and weak. Hated the way I looked in the mirror too. This is what truly got my attention. That night the electric got turned off due to a storm and he put a candle in the bathroom so I could shower and I remember sobbing. I felt so numb inside and I hated it, I hated who I was, I hated how I lied to my family and I hated how I hurt my friends.
One of my old boyfriend's still is angry at me about me abusing drugs. I think a lot of people blame my best friend who I met at the beach. It wasn't his fault at all really. We both were troubled and depressed. Inside I was angry and I could feel the anger still inside of him even though I thought it was gone. I also was numbing the pain for so long from what my ex abusive boyfriend did to me for so long that I needed to numb my pain. I was also still feeling the pain from what father did to me. We both got bullied so much by his friends. There's so much what they said to us that I don't even want to repeat what they said to us.....
I will say this.... They threw beer bottles at us and made a lot of jokes about sexual abuse and rape. If we tried to leave, they cornered us tried to block us from leaving. When we finally did get in his car and try to drive away, they threw their beer bottles at his car and we had to call up the cops on them. One of his friends even poured whiskey over my head and he got up and beat up his friend. I still remember him yelling... "WTF are you doing to her! I love her!!!! Don't you dare hurt the woman I love!!" I was sobbing so hard. I felt disgusted and I felt degraded. That night I still remember crying in the shower as he held me close to him calming me down because my abusive ex boyfriend did the exact thing to me. He gave me one of his pj pants and t-shirt and held me close to him, he promised me I would never have to see his friends ever again and I never did. As I looked into his eyes and cried, I truly felt loved by him and he even kissed my tears. Though we both were addicts....and then deep down I truly wanted us to be clean again. I truly did. As I woke up in the middle of the night I saw him using and I didn't say anything. I faced the other way and cried. He hugged me and told me how much he loved me and that no matter what he wouldn't go anywhere. I believed him, I really did.
Still to this day his old friends still try to harass me and I finally blocked them on Facebook and changed my Facebook account. They harassed/bullied me for months. Now their going to court for it thankfully.
Both of us stood up for ourselves and in the end his friends were not who they thought they were. He even cried in his car and apologized to me and he told me how stupid he felt inside and blamed himself for always being so naive. I honestly could relate to him in so many ways. I truly loved him. He was my better half. I still love him actually. There were times where he would cry while making love to me and I would pull him off of me and tell him that he's not damaged or broken.
He fought his addiction so much and so did I. Finally I got myself clean and the withdrawal was so intense that I called someone for help in the end. As I got out he told me he was going to do the same and I told him he was doing the right thing and how proud I was of him. That night right before he got clean he "used" drugs one last time and he overdosed......
This is why I'm truly depressed and can't stop crying. I was there when he died too and had to give the news to his little brother to not go inside of his room.....
His mother took it rough.
He was a loving brother and always looked after his brother and even made sure his brother never got bullied. He waited for him at the bus stop. I'm now clean from drugs and suffer from nightmares about his death and I still hear his voice inside of my mind. Anytime I see Kyle Spencer's character from Coven I cry right away. I hate the third season from American Horror Story. I won't ever watch it. It triggers me too much. It triggered it and caused him so much pain. Now it gives me pain. I miss him so much. This year when I went to get surgery and when I woke up, I asked the nurses if he was waiting for me in waiting room. There's so much that reminds me of him. I hope one day that I can heal from all of this....
He died of last year in November and I still think of him everyday.
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