H
HeWhoShallNotBe
Guest
Not sure how to start, so I am just going to write and see where it takes me. If it takes me somewhere worthwhile and is coherent I will post it.
I dabbled with meth no more than six times before I began to use regularly. Each time we're isolated events. Somehow or I would come across some and do it, always with someone else as it's more fun to speed with someone than alone. I only smoked it twice and the rest snorted. Thankfully I did/do not like smoking as it doesn't produce any of the effects I look for while producing all the ones I do not want. It's almost as if smoking it just skips the euphoric and high phases to drop me smack dab in the pre-comedown. You know, when you can feel that you're about to start getting antsy and fiendish.
Those infantile experiences happened over the span of 4 years. I enjoyed it, but it wasn't something I would go out of my way to look for or choose over marijuana. I'm not sure why that was, each one of my friends that have tried it and liked it continued using it. Not to say they all became daily users, but they became reliable users in a hurry. I'm not sure why the appeal didn't hook me, I went on to eventually become a heroin addict.
I have take Adderall for years off and on. I do have ADD, did not have a script after I was like 11 years old. I didn't find out until a few years ago when I was 22 that I have indeed had a prescription since. Only my mother was getting it. I do not know how she did it or how she convinced a doctor, rather. For perspective I am now 25 years old and my mother 60. On average my mother will be up until at the bare minimum 1:00 in the morning every night. I could be wrong honestly, but I don't know many 60 year olds who stay up that late minimum every single night. So, anytime I ever wanted adderall all I had to do was walk down the hall to her room and ask. No matter the circumstance. Her giving me 30mg at like 3 AM because I told her I couldn't sleep and was going to fuck up at work tomorrow. Looking back that should've been a warning sign. I honestly can't pinpoint, but I know I have used adderall for no less than 6 years. Because it has always been so normal to me, perhaps I could say even a staple of life perhaps that's why I didn't experience the blissful appeal I hear about and develop a dependency. A subtle or even mild addiction? Yes, I could never turn them down. At the same time when I was denied on the rare occasion I definitely got upset and even made a few holes in the walls. But, it was nothing like not being able to find/score heroin. I did not rely on them to function in any capacity. The next day I would be normal and not even want it anymore unless I had something to do.
That's how I grew up. I kicked heroin successfully almost two years ago. Then about two months ago I did meth again. I enjoyed it and like previously didn't feel the urge to continue immediately. I then did it again. From then on I would get it from time to time, but after each session frequency increased. I could binge for three days, rest two, stay up one night and then when I was out that was it. Didn't have the compulsion to go cop more right away. It got to a point then where I was doing it weekly, biweekly, and you know the story.
Even though I fucking knew better I eventually decided to slam it and see what was up. My excuse was because I had never experienced the 'true' methamphetamine rush you always hear about. It turns out that I was right and not acting cool like some buddies thought. it wasn't the first time I slammed that I rushed. It took me a few times before I found it.
Which leads us to where I am now. For example, yesterday/today a girl I am close with had some and we were hanging out. She broke me off some and I plugged a small shot. Probably 6-8 hours later did another that was a little larger. Literally two and a ha,f hours I IV'd a the thickest shot I have done. That was around 1-2 AM. She went home eventually and I am now in this predicament.
As time went by I began to get anxious knowing I didn't have anymore to use. Reinforced myself mentally and made the best of it. Two hours ago I more or less accepted my feelings, it's very dangerous not to. I knew that if I am doing dope and don't have my own bag, it feels as if I can't ever get satisfied because I know subconsciously at the end of the day I won't have any when my gracious host leaves and I would never ask for it. Then I began to wonder why does that make me anxious? Other than the obvious inclination to redose. I arrived to the conclusion that it is not so much about doing the drug as it is having it. It's psychological, just like for many people with panic/anxiety disorders if they leave their house without their medicine on them they are much more prone to an attack. And do not get me wrong, I am not fooling myself in thinking the actual use of it doesn't play a large part as well.
So at that point all I had was the safety net complex figured out, as I call it. Then I kept digging and realized that when I use AND get a rush if I don't stay up at least one day I am not satisfied. I have never exceeded three days, I am usually asleep or close to it before the third day mark. It's an if you're gonna do it, do it attitude. So, tonight after using and then ending up with none to redose it's been very difficult for me. Not in an urgent way, if I was with someone it wouldn' be as dramatic because I wouldn't be alone with my thoughts.
I can make a half gram last a week if I need to. As I mentioned if I don't get a rush then I don't have an issue with cessation. At this point after only probably a little less than two months the use has escalated to several days a week and either IV or plug. Even before I started this I have had issues with not being able to do the things I used to have passion for. Such as writing, playing guitar or video games. Now I can't do any period. Over the last year I went from writing up to 10 poems a day to not being able to write a single line. It's in my head I just cannot physically do it. The same with my other passions. No, meth did not rob me of my loves. And it didn't help me regain a honeymoon phase with them and allow me to engulf myself in them again. That isn't why I use it. I started using it because it allows me to calm down and think thoroughly. It gives me a bit of energy, it makes me more talkative. I'm not saying it doesn't affect me, it's just those utilities are more pronounced.
So my questions are:
I don't think the infancy of an addiction is up for discussion, should be rather evident. But, was the rate of usage escalation typical?
Why did it happen when I had done meth first before, years ago?
How can I fiend and get borderline morose after doing a shot that took my breath and made me cough just because I know I won't have that safety net for later?
It hasn't compromised my functionality or quality of life, but I have been down this road many times with many things. I recognize this is most likely the pivotal point of whether or not you become a daily user or not. The thing is I don't really like it all that much. I enjoy it very much most certainly, but even now if I don't have any or at the end of a session I'm fine and the next day all I feel is just tired and the cramps from tending. I don't feel any need to get more then. Is this sentiment merely the result of being a victim of solo tweaking? Even knowing I don't find it all that euphoric or thrilling I still use it. It's not as if eventually the high faded out of the honeymoon phase. Feels the same as it always has. I just don't know why I keep doing it then.
Is my relationship with Tina compromised or can it be salvaged? Honest advice and answers. I'm not disturbed by this, I am just experienced enough to identify this moment in drug abuse and would like opinions of what I should do and/or advice for handling this feeling of being anxious when I don't have it on me. Sounds insane, but that safety net thing is real for me.
I dabbled with meth no more than six times before I began to use regularly. Each time we're isolated events. Somehow or I would come across some and do it, always with someone else as it's more fun to speed with someone than alone. I only smoked it twice and the rest snorted. Thankfully I did/do not like smoking as it doesn't produce any of the effects I look for while producing all the ones I do not want. It's almost as if smoking it just skips the euphoric and high phases to drop me smack dab in the pre-comedown. You know, when you can feel that you're about to start getting antsy and fiendish.
Those infantile experiences happened over the span of 4 years. I enjoyed it, but it wasn't something I would go out of my way to look for or choose over marijuana. I'm not sure why that was, each one of my friends that have tried it and liked it continued using it. Not to say they all became daily users, but they became reliable users in a hurry. I'm not sure why the appeal didn't hook me, I went on to eventually become a heroin addict.
I have take Adderall for years off and on. I do have ADD, did not have a script after I was like 11 years old. I didn't find out until a few years ago when I was 22 that I have indeed had a prescription since. Only my mother was getting it. I do not know how she did it or how she convinced a doctor, rather. For perspective I am now 25 years old and my mother 60. On average my mother will be up until at the bare minimum 1:00 in the morning every night. I could be wrong honestly, but I don't know many 60 year olds who stay up that late minimum every single night. So, anytime I ever wanted adderall all I had to do was walk down the hall to her room and ask. No matter the circumstance. Her giving me 30mg at like 3 AM because I told her I couldn't sleep and was going to fuck up at work tomorrow. Looking back that should've been a warning sign. I honestly can't pinpoint, but I know I have used adderall for no less than 6 years. Because it has always been so normal to me, perhaps I could say even a staple of life perhaps that's why I didn't experience the blissful appeal I hear about and develop a dependency. A subtle or even mild addiction? Yes, I could never turn them down. At the same time when I was denied on the rare occasion I definitely got upset and even made a few holes in the walls. But, it was nothing like not being able to find/score heroin. I did not rely on them to function in any capacity. The next day I would be normal and not even want it anymore unless I had something to do.
That's how I grew up. I kicked heroin successfully almost two years ago. Then about two months ago I did meth again. I enjoyed it and like previously didn't feel the urge to continue immediately. I then did it again. From then on I would get it from time to time, but after each session frequency increased. I could binge for three days, rest two, stay up one night and then when I was out that was it. Didn't have the compulsion to go cop more right away. It got to a point then where I was doing it weekly, biweekly, and you know the story.
Even though I fucking knew better I eventually decided to slam it and see what was up. My excuse was because I had never experienced the 'true' methamphetamine rush you always hear about. It turns out that I was right and not acting cool like some buddies thought. it wasn't the first time I slammed that I rushed. It took me a few times before I found it.
Which leads us to where I am now. For example, yesterday/today a girl I am close with had some and we were hanging out. She broke me off some and I plugged a small shot. Probably 6-8 hours later did another that was a little larger. Literally two and a ha,f hours I IV'd a the thickest shot I have done. That was around 1-2 AM. She went home eventually and I am now in this predicament.
As time went by I began to get anxious knowing I didn't have anymore to use. Reinforced myself mentally and made the best of it. Two hours ago I more or less accepted my feelings, it's very dangerous not to. I knew that if I am doing dope and don't have my own bag, it feels as if I can't ever get satisfied because I know subconsciously at the end of the day I won't have any when my gracious host leaves and I would never ask for it. Then I began to wonder why does that make me anxious? Other than the obvious inclination to redose. I arrived to the conclusion that it is not so much about doing the drug as it is having it. It's psychological, just like for many people with panic/anxiety disorders if they leave their house without their medicine on them they are much more prone to an attack. And do not get me wrong, I am not fooling myself in thinking the actual use of it doesn't play a large part as well.
So at that point all I had was the safety net complex figured out, as I call it. Then I kept digging and realized that when I use AND get a rush if I don't stay up at least one day I am not satisfied. I have never exceeded three days, I am usually asleep or close to it before the third day mark. It's an if you're gonna do it, do it attitude. So, tonight after using and then ending up with none to redose it's been very difficult for me. Not in an urgent way, if I was with someone it wouldn' be as dramatic because I wouldn't be alone with my thoughts.
I can make a half gram last a week if I need to. As I mentioned if I don't get a rush then I don't have an issue with cessation. At this point after only probably a little less than two months the use has escalated to several days a week and either IV or plug. Even before I started this I have had issues with not being able to do the things I used to have passion for. Such as writing, playing guitar or video games. Now I can't do any period. Over the last year I went from writing up to 10 poems a day to not being able to write a single line. It's in my head I just cannot physically do it. The same with my other passions. No, meth did not rob me of my loves. And it didn't help me regain a honeymoon phase with them and allow me to engulf myself in them again. That isn't why I use it. I started using it because it allows me to calm down and think thoroughly. It gives me a bit of energy, it makes me more talkative. I'm not saying it doesn't affect me, it's just those utilities are more pronounced.
So my questions are:
I don't think the infancy of an addiction is up for discussion, should be rather evident. But, was the rate of usage escalation typical?
Why did it happen when I had done meth first before, years ago?
How can I fiend and get borderline morose after doing a shot that took my breath and made me cough just because I know I won't have that safety net for later?
It hasn't compromised my functionality or quality of life, but I have been down this road many times with many things. I recognize this is most likely the pivotal point of whether or not you become a daily user or not. The thing is I don't really like it all that much. I enjoy it very much most certainly, but even now if I don't have any or at the end of a session I'm fine and the next day all I feel is just tired and the cramps from tending. I don't feel any need to get more then. Is this sentiment merely the result of being a victim of solo tweaking? Even knowing I don't find it all that euphoric or thrilling I still use it. It's not as if eventually the high faded out of the honeymoon phase. Feels the same as it always has. I just don't know why I keep doing it then.
Is my relationship with Tina compromised or can it be salvaged? Honest advice and answers. I'm not disturbed by this, I am just experienced enough to identify this moment in drug abuse and would like opinions of what I should do and/or advice for handling this feeling of being anxious when I don't have it on me. Sounds insane, but that safety net thing is real for me.
