Addiction meth addiction and me

[user_error]

Hi everyone,
So I decided to use this forum as a place to hopefully 1.) force myself to commit to something 2.) get my brain working right 3.) connect with others for advice, motivation 4.) Have a reminder of why I want to stop all of this madness. If nothing else, i could be used as a clue as to why I am no longer on this earth (to those who even look for one)

I am 32 about to be 33 in a couple of weeks. I a veteran. I have been using meth now for two years. In the last two years I've had maybe the equivalent of a week without using. I currently live alone with the assistance of the VA paying half of my rent and I pay the other half using my monthly compensation from the VA. I used to have the love of my life living here as well but addiction took her out quicker then me because of other mental problems and she up and left one day and never heard from her again. It killed me and I started smoking/shooting meth even more. I gave up shooting it and started at a methadone clinic last year for the heroin use. I've started to notice my overall health is going down hill fast. Diet is messed up, sleep only happens when my body is so exhausted I usually pass out still sitting up, my digestion has disappeared and I can go weeks without a bowel movement, chest pain, bloating, poor hygiene and an unhealthy mindset. I enrolled in school only to get the gi bill payments monthly but dropped out two times now because I would miss too much class even with it being online and currently about a week behind in my only 3 classes and unsure if I can finish. I live month to month because of horrible spending habits due to me tweaking out on amazon or something trying to fix that itch thinking "If I just buy something new" that'll keep me busy/happy.. I got paid for March already and I am down to maybe $100 left for the month. I try to make sure rent + car bill get paid no matter what and I've kept that up. The other credit card bills, and everything else will just have to wait. I tell myself every month this is the last time I'll sit broke for a month and have some type of income. Never happens.. I get exhausted at the most random times and couldn't hold down a part time job even if I tried. I rarely have interaction with people except once a day to check in at the clinic for my dose. I lie to the two people I know out here so I can sit in "peace"

So, for however long I can keep it up I'm going to try and document my attempt to somehow stop and get myself together. I've read recovery blogs and I always feel like they withhold the honestly raw details of being a full blown addict. I want to write about this details people leave out. The horrible realities of someone who cannot control themselves anymore. I've tried this so many times but usually ended up deleting everything before even posting it after changing my mind last minute but want to force myself to stick with something. I've also read "journaling" can be therapeutic in a way and I need anything I can get right now..

That's basically it in a nutshell. I'm not even tweaking out writing this I am actually tired and pushing myself to even finish this post. So hello again to everyone, if you have any advice or have put together some time without meth, or even have a similar scenario let me know. Didn't mean to come off as whining about things either. This is just where I am at.

As for right now, I have about a gram left of both Meth and heroin. I sent someone $$ last night in advance for more but don't feel like picking it up. I would like to finish what I have and be done. The current dull pain in my chest from muscle cramp or being dehydrated is screaming at me not to...It's been 2 weeks since I showered. I think I'll force myself to shower and hydrate. Then go to the clinic and take my dose. I have 2 hours before they close.

until next time?

 

[Tokyo_Runaway]

Hey brother!

First off, welcome, we're glad you're here.

Second, you and I have an very similar story about meth. I smoked daily for a year. I get it.

So glad you decided to reach out.
I'm new to the actual forum boards, but I have been hanging out in our discord server pretty much all day every day since it was started this month. I strongly urge you to join. We got guys in Europe, Canada, Australia, and States. Basically if you get spun again, there is always someone available to hang out with. You'll fit in like a glove

It took a very major life event for me to finally put the pipe down. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I got the news, threw everything drug related I had away, and slept. I think I stayed in bed 3 days. Was of course a zombie for probably a month after that.

Two good things. One, you are not alone, we look out for each other here. Two, you get to sleep like a log for the first few days of comedown/withdrawal and ice cream and potato chips are amazingly tasty when you wake up haha.

But seriously, good for you, and I hope I get the privilege assist you anyway I can while you beat this! ❤

 

[user_error]

Hey brother!

First off, welcome, we're glad you're here.

Second, you and I have an very similar story about meth. I smoked daily for a year. I get it.

So glad you decided to reach out.
I'm new to the actual forum boards, but I have been hanging out in our discord server pretty much all day every day since it was started this month. I strongly urge you to join. We got guys in Europe, Canada, Australia, and States. Basically if you get spun again, there is always someone available to hang out with. You'll fit in like a glove

It took a very major life event for me to finally put the pipe down. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I got the news, threw everything drug related I had away, and slept. I think I stayed in bed 3 days. Was of course a zombie for probably a month after that.

Two good things. One, you are not alone, we look out for each other here. Two, you get to sleep like a log for the first few days of comedown/withdrawal and ice cream and potato chips are amazingly tasty when you wake up haha.

But seriously, good for you, and I hope I get the privilege assist you anyway I can while you beat this! ❤

Hey,
I appreciate it. I've never checked out discord. Not even sure what it is but I'll check it out. I've managed to not smoke anything since I made that post. Did more then I've done in weeks just by showering, changing clothes and going to the clinic for my dose... going to try and catch up on school work while I'm still motivated. Maybe even put some parts on the car I ordered months back. Vaping and keeping busy is the goal right now..because as I type this I'm already contemplating taking a puff. I'll convince myself to finish what I have left and end up compulsively smoking and "planning" different things I'll never actually start and before I know it its 3am.

 

[Tokyo_Runaway]

Awesome. A hot shower to get that grease off and reset. Best shower ever lol.

@arrall is one of the staffers of the discord and I would imagine can walk you through it easily.

I see you mentioned car parts. Don't know if you're an enthusiast or do any racing, but that hobby alone was solid 80% of my recovery. Something always needs replacing or fixing on a race car. Less idle time= good.

If you do race and are anywhere near NC, I help run a little race school and our season starts this weekend. You're welcome to come join us.

Stay strong and we got your back my friend

 

[Jabberwocky]

Did more then I've done in weeks just by showering, changing clothes and going to the clinic for my dose... going to try and catch up on school work while I'm still motivated.

ahhhh that shit feels so good when you've not done it for a while. even putting clean clothes on. when i was at my worst using i couldn't afford washing powder, but somehow could spend £100s on crack every day, so even though i was still putting my clothes through the washing machine they weren't actually getting clean. so i just stank all the time. it was gross. like why didn't i do anything about it? urgh.

anyway, yeah, when i moved back to my parents, which fucking sucked for the most part, getting washed and having actually clean clothes to put on was fucking amazing.

welcome to BL. good luck in your endeavours. i wasn't on meth but i lost everything to crack and heroin and got to rehab just over 3 years ago. i've had a few lapses since and drink too much, but have a good job, a nice place, and am no longer a crack whore so overall i'd way it was successful.

as @Tokyo_Runaway said, having hobbies and goals is super important to recovery. you need things you enjoy and stuff to occupy your time.

are you getting any psychological help? i could never quit drugs cos i didn't realise there is more to it than just stopping using. they were playing an important role in my life and i needed therapy to figure out what that is and how to address the underlying issues healthily.

get all the help you can, drugs services, therapy, anything you can get through your health insurance, meetings - 12 step, SMART, refuge, whatever, peer support is what's important.

 

[tweakerguy]

If you have insurance that'll cover it, supplementary counseling like cognitive therapy or something similar Is going to be essential in the days/weeks after stopping a long term habit.

 

[Eligiu]

Hey man, I'm a long term meth user (7 years IV as well as heroin) and I've been in recovery since 2017. I view myself as being in recovery even with lapses as I'm always moving towards a drug free life. I use the discord more than here but I'd be happy to have a chat to you on there and help you out.

 

[user_error]

Well, missed a few (20 days) since my lame introduction...took my last hit from the pipe around 0300 while I watched the performers on Chaturbate...I turned 33 2 days ago...I did the same thing for the last 2 birthdays...sat at home alone, smoked, felt sorry for myself...believe it or not I used to be a paratrooper in the 82nd...No pipe dream either and can show the proof...I've dropped out for the 3rd time on my online school which was my second source of income in a way. ( G.I bill housing allowance) the first source being regular monthly comp at 70% for the veterans out there...The school doesn't want me to try and continue anymore without waivers because of this pattern of starting classes making it a month ( this last time less than 4 weeks)... The meth no longer gives me focus, motivation, or stamina to do basic daily tasks so why would online school be any different?

I sit and rot so much time that my legs are swelling and looking like something you see on TLCs "dr pimple popper" or something. I have white, flaking, feet that I thought only 60+ crowd got or diabetics? I took pictures to save in my phone as a reference point and just 1 reminder of why I need and want this all to stop...I have always been the skinny "hard gainer" tall kid and now have bloated gut, legs and face...skin breakouts from lack of hygiene that I didn't even get during any point of a deployment to Afghanistan? I had better hygiene in full combat gear in Afghanistan then i do here with running water, and more than one type of soap...But then I think to myself how I am so depressed because I am alone...Even if the ex came back and knocked on the door right now I couldn't open the door because of my embarrassment of what I've become...

So for now all I can think of that I need to/want to do is the basics...the last of the dope got smoked by the neighbor who came by looking for a free high and I told him to kill it..2 pipes I might brake or just trash is all that's left...As ridiculous simple and obvious as it sounds I'm determined to make a week of 3 meals a day (no fancy plan or science behind it. just eat something around the same time 3 times a day...force hydrate and get my body used to liquids. ( how cool would it be to not have some weird substance follow your urine out of you everyday during your 1st and last urination of the day?) no more slim urine that drys and cakes on to the porcelain!...Then at night, I move to the bedroom and lay down in a bed...not the couch because I miss my ex that much I don't use the bedroom...no more all nighters starting at the computer screen until eyes are watering from not blinking...If I can manage a week of just those things being the mandatory things I think I can recharge my decaying flesh vessel enough to get a good hold of myself to slowly doing the damn thing...It's sad and I promise not a joke...but that is how far I've let myself go...

I hate sounding like I am whining or being dramatic but I truly feel / think that I wont live another 5 years at this rate. I truly believe this and its scaring me enough to make a stupid online journal entry to the 3 people that will see it...But i hear it helps to get things out there...obviously I don't talk to anyone except the occasional "hello" or forced small talk to neighbors.. until next time guys. Im trying, I am. Me myself and I have done good things before, I know I haven't lost it 100% yet...and because I cant put my parents and sister through a suicide...and because I am too afraid to pull the trigger unless the magazine is out...

I apologize non of this makes sense or follows anything. There is so much more to go with everything but I'm just transferring basically whatever comes out of my mind right now...There's no useful or interesting information and frankly probably a waste of your time haha. BUT it may be a good deterrent for anyone starting to transition from that weekend use to daily use or every other day use...It eventually catches up and then you end up here in a desperate attempt to self sooth my typing out your thoughts to a couple of people....see, that was a dumb thing to write...I'm done. I will now shower and start following sleep hygiene pattern...have a good evening everyone.

 

[user_error]

Well That lasted, what, about 32 hours?...I slept all day Sunday waking up once or twice to eat. When I started to wake up Monday morning I had waves of pure anxiety because all i wanted to do was sleep but I had to make it to the clinic by noon and for some reason the though of me having to get up brought on anxiety fits...I went to dose which is a 10 min round trip drive. Music sounded awesome and felt like it got all sorts of endorphins going. then of course the one song came on that brought me back to old using days when I at least had someone with me...I went back to the couch after dosing and had a few 30-60 min naps on and off until I couldn't sleep anymore and then the boredom set in...

A quick text and a 5 minute drive to a friends apartment a few block away and I had 20$ of clear to take home and smoke...Here I am again. Watery eyes, impulsive smoking, overall dry feeling and not even a good high...if anything I feel worse but had to have it...I'm pinning this on the boredom that almost immediately put me on autopilot to score dope...My next brilliant idea is taking the remainder and putting it into capsules to take daily as a way to somewhat titrate off instead of such a big jump to nothing...I hate this shit so much.

 

[Robi]

Well, missed a few (20 days) since my lame introduction...took my last hit from the pipe around 0300 while I watched the performers on Chaturbate...I turned 33 2 days ago...I did the same thing for the last 2 birthdays...sat at home alone, smoked, felt sorry for myself...believe it or not I used to be a paratrooper in the 82nd...No pipe dream either and can show the proof...I've dropped out for the 3rd time on my online school which was my second source of income in a way. ( G.I bill housing allowance) the first source being regular monthly comp at 70% for the veterans out there...The school doesn't want me to try and continue anymore without waivers because of this pattern of starting classes making it a month ( this last time less than 4 weeks)... The meth no longer gives me focus, motivation, or stamina to do basic daily tasks so why would online school be any different?

I sit and rot so much time that my legs are swelling and looking like something you see on TLCs "dr pimple popper" or something. I have white, flaking, feet that I thought only 60+ crowd got or diabetics? I took pictures to save in my phone as a reference point and just 1 reminder of why I need and want this all to stop...I have always been the skinny "hard gainer" tall kid and now have bloated gut, legs and face...skin breakouts from lack of hygiene that I didn't even get during any point of a deployment to Afghanistan? I had better hygiene in full combat gear in Afghanistan then i do here with running water, and more than one type of soap...But then I think to myself how I am so depressed because I am alone...Even if the ex came back and knocked on the door right now I couldn't open the door because of my embarrassment of what I've become...

So for now all I can think of that I need to/want to do is the basics...the last of the dope got smoked by the neighbor who came by looking for a free high and I told him to kill it..2 pipes I might brake or just trash is all that's left...As ridiculous simple and obvious as it sounds I'm determined to make a week of 3 meals a day (no fancy plan or science behind it. just eat something around the same time 3 times a day...force hydrate and get my body used to liquids. ( how cool would it be to not have some weird substance follow your urine out of you everyday during your 1st and last urination of the day?) no more slim urine that drys and cakes on to the porcelain!...Then at night, I move to the bedroom and lay down in a bed...not the couch because I miss my ex that much I don't use the bedroom...no more all nighters starting at the computer screen until eyes are watering from not blinking...If I can manage a week of just those things being the mandatory things I think I can recharge my decaying flesh vessel enough to get a good hold of myself to slowly doing the damn thing...It's sad and I promise not a joke...but that is how far I've let myself go...

I hate sounding like I am whining or being dramatic but I truly feel / think that I wont live another 5 years at this rate. I truly believe this and its scaring me enough to make a stupid online journal entry to the 3 people that will see it...But i hear it helps to get things out there...obviously I don't talk to anyone except the occasional "hello" or forced small talk to neighbors.. until next time guys. Im trying, I am. Me myself and I have done good things before, I know I haven't lost it 100% yet...and because I cant put my parents and sister through a suicide...and because I am too afraid to pull the trigger unless the magazine is out...

I apologize non of this makes sense or follows anything. There is so much more to go with everything but I'm just transferring basically whatever comes out of my mind right now...There's no useful or interesting information and frankly probably a waste of your time haha. BUT it may be a good deterrent for anyone starting to transition from that weekend use to daily use or every other day use...It eventually catches up and then you end up here in a desperate attempt to self sooth my typing out your thoughts to a couple of people....see, that was a dumb thing to write...I'm done. I will now shower and start following sleep hygiene pattern...have a good evening everyone.

you post very well, and its so clearly legible(LOL), its like im there with you, heart wrenching, but people are going to get help from your post inadvertently or not, i know you hate this shit so much, so did i, im glad youre posting and so honest, just want you to have help F everyone right now that will gain from your post, my gods youre worth it, i get a good sense of people and your freaking awesome, even if you dont think so, want you to heal up so badly. boredom got to me too, but im am often feeling boredom , cos i was use to being high, now just happy to not be drug seeking, guilt or WD, dont ever forget we are here for you and dont judge, sober, high what the fug evah! i know its so hard to be alone after a break up, whew the benders id go on, i dont have to tell yah to get your shit together, trying to do that myself and all i can gather is this small pile........see atleast you make sense!

 

[Robi]

i aint your momma, but you HAVE

to hydrate atleast!