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Meth—Why am I doing NOTHING productive?

JustLi vv

JustLi vv

Greenlighter
Joined
Nov 9, 2021
Messages
7
Ok so I tried finding SOMETHING that relates to my situation but I can't seem to find shit besides people saying they can't get high. I can get high. A lil Backstory tho : I been a daily user for the better part of the last 5 years. Got clean for maybe 6 months once almost 2 years ago but aside from that I been HEAVY using daily. Used to do gram or more hot rails multiple times a day. Then in a really dark time about 9 months ago I was in a shit living situation (won't indulge into that) and decided I was gonna fuck myself off (kill myself but there's no way to sound cool saying that), and I might as well ask the only friend I had in that city to shoot me up (he started recently) cuz I said I never would and fuck it imma die anyway. Well. I obviously did not kill myself. The friend I had knew I was depressed and pretty much never left me alone to kill myself. Now I moved away. Got back with my shitty ex for a minute. Been depressed as hell since i moved back to my shit hometown and my depression has made my house DISGUSTING. like Jesus. My shit was ALWAYS clean and now I look like a bad episode of hoarders. But I can't get shit done. I shoot multiple times a day. It's good shit. Trust me I know my way around the block. I get high for a minute. And I do nothing. I can do a ball in a day and I got nothing. I just lay in bed and eat or sleep or masturbate and then usually pass out after that or sit on my phone. Like what the fuck is wrong with me? I'm high but I have no motivation and nothing seems to help. Anytime I do get something done, I start fuckin off with something stupid and I don't finish.. A tolerance break isn't an option honestly with my super good job cuz I'd be sure to fuck that up with not being able to wake up for a week.. Is anyone else like this? How do I stop? It's probably stupid to ask but am I just like... SUPER depressed or what? Shooting shit has definitely taken me down a road I never wanted to go. I knew that when I did it. But I never imagined I'd be so LAZY on it. What the fuck. Some insight, advice or whatever y'all got, I'm all ears cuz what in the actual fuck is this bullshit I'm experiencing??
 
I remember when I was on that stuff and either the second or third day of having not slept, instead of being productive, my thoughts would freeze and I would just sit there almost like in a daydreaming state as I definitely couldn’t sleep while all amped up. Quentiapine/Seroquel to knock me out and get some much needed sleep and food etc.
 
Opi_Kid_Rock said:
I remember when I was on that stuff and either the second or third day of having not slept, instead of being productive, my thoughts would freeze and I would just sit there almost like in a daydreaming state as I definitely couldn’t sleep while all amped up. Quentiapine/Seroquel to knock me out and get some much needed sleep and food etc.
Click to expand...
You should have seen me trying to send an email after 5 days awake

Took me over 14 hours

Classic meth!!
 
It's the natural result of tolerance to strong stimulant drugs IMO

That's the sick irony of the drug, it gives you all this extra time (that you oughta be spending asleep) but you use that time mindlessly scrolling through internet pornography or tinkering away on some tweaker project that never quite reaches completion etc. Spending lots of time not really do much of anything is highly relatable, trust me

I think tapering off might be a good option for you if you're not getting much out of it anymore...or at least switching ROAs. I'm sorry but slamming it...that's hard on your system bro. You may have a good job and are worried about that, but I doubt that they want their employee to be thwacked out all day either. I've heard lots of people say versions of that before, "I'd like to stop doing drugs but I can't, my job needs me and I need drugs for my job!"...and it usually just comes across to me as a way people rationalize something. But who knows, maybe that's the case for your situation, I don't know. I suspect that there isn't a single career path where slamming meth is a prerequisite for success, though, except maybe public speaking? (i.e. Kennedy and Hitler)

You could try taking bumps during the day as needed, for wakefulness promotion purposes.
 
That's the thing tho. I'm not twacked out. All I do is eat and sleep, I don't even tinker on tweaker projects. BUT I WANT TO. I just end up eating and taking naps on the shit. I don't think I have to slam it but I do it cuz I want to get high but it's like I'm never high enough to tweak on shit. I wouldn't be able to get up in the morning without it and stay awake through the day without at least smoking it and I never go a night without sleeping 6 hours at the least. I haven't met anybody else with this issue and most people assume I'm just dazed from lack of sleep but I just have 0 motivation. Not even for tweaker shit. I want the tweaker shit. I tried forcing myself to stay up the other day and I can't do it. I don't get it. Why can't I do ANYTHING but sleep and eat is basically my question tho
 
As for my job I work a sales job. Smooth public speaking and not being scared to do it is the whole job basically. And I'm never twacked out at work cuz I can't get there. The company I work for would toast my ass for being super late from over sleeping or not showing up. Calling in is not even a thing unless something serious is going down and 5 minutes early is almost late practically to this company so it's dilemmas in every corner
 
Productivity is all very well. But life’s about pleasure as well as responsibilities.
 
JustLi vv said:
As for my job I work a sales job. Smooth public speaking and not being scared to do it is the whole job basically. And I'm never twacked out at work cuz I can't get there. The company I work for would toast my ass for being super late from over sleeping or not showing up. Calling in is not even a thing unless something serious is going down and 5 minutes early is almost late practically to this company so it's dilemmas in every corner
Click to expand...

Maybe that's your problem? I mean it sounds to me like you're pretty productive by society's standards, but you feel unmotivated and "want the tweaker shit" (lol). "Uninspired" might be a better word. Do you have a choice regarding the job?
 
We try to fit into this fucked up mold “society” (the rich who run it) has created for us. Standards of productivity that no human can really sustain. But sustainability isn’t the name of the game, it’s all about how much can we push out today. Who cares about tomorrow..

You can continue to try to fit the mold, and kill yourself trying. Or pick your own path…

In my area of work most guys use Amphetamines, I’ve also seen many of those guys lose their businesses after what seemed to be huge successes early on. Me on the other hand have had a much slower progression relatively but I’m still trucking and plan to for decades to come.

Where you are at right now is not sustainable.

-GC
 
I have no experience with stimulant abuse but it sounds to me like you're chronically low on dopamine, perhaps due to both the meth and some personal stuff. Whatever the cause, even meth can't get you motivated and going.

You may need to stop somehow, to allow your body to restore function. It is expected that heavy dopaminergic drugs not only create a dependence on the substance and its contribution to neurotransmitter circulation, but a disturbance in normal neurotransmitter circulation and normal behavior as well.

Not knowing your full situation, i guess that wanting to keep your job is a good instinct. Like someone said, maybe you need to taper from such a big addiction. That way you might be able to control the job situation while solving the seemingly inescapable problem of your addiction, which does some like it is at roads end - but not necessarily irreversible. Mentally and emotionally you appear coherent.

Even if mý advice is bullshit i want to send some support.
 
G_Chem said:
We try to fit into this fucked up mold “society” (the rich who run it) has created for us. Standards of productivity that no human can really sustain. But sustainability isn’t the name of the game, it’s all about how much can we push out today. Who cares about tomorrow..

You can continue to try to fit the mold, and kill yourself trying. Or pick your own path…

In my area of work most guys use Amphetamines, I’ve also seen many of those guys lose their businesses after what seemed to be huge successes early on. Me on the other hand have had a much slower progression relatively but I’m still trucking and plan to for decades to come.

Where you are at right now is not sustainable.

-GC
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This is great advice. Often we beat down on ourselves too much and as drug abusers we may identify with the drug and blame every problem on the drug. Assessing other life stresses can help alleviate the burden and the pain, which can help decrease the abuse. Maybe OP is just exhausted from a very demanding job. Blaming the harsh reality of the job instead of ones own filthy abusive mind can help adjust expectations and thus the perceived need for meth.

Not sure that's exactly what you meant, to be fair. But your post pointed me in such a direction.

Again i'm sorry if i am being over-talkative, it just hit me like that
 
Sounds to me like a depressive episode man and I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. The above posters made some damn good points on toxic productivity culture and I find that when I'm in my own depressive state, the harder I am on myself about meeting society's expectations of "functional" the worse I feel.

It's fairly likely that your dopamine and serotonin reserves are zapped. Cutting back is unlikely to be a bad thing. Yet in my experience coming at it (whether "it" is using fewer drugs or making any other life change to try and help ourselves) from the angle of expecting greater productivity is perhaps not the best way of going about it. It just satisfies what capitalism expects from us.

What I need when I feel depressed is to take a holistic view of how I'm doing and try to improve that in little incremental ways. It takes a while. Everyone's instinct is to cut down on the drugs first, which can be important sure but I find it's difficult if you don't regain control of other aspects of your life first. Whether that's doing the dishes, running a load of laundry, getting 2-3 meals a day, eating a piece of fruit, or whatever it is.

It doesn't have to be all at once. It's okay if it takes time - like G says, slow and steady wins the race. Take it at your own pace. Be gentle and kind with yourself. The world is hard on us already, we ain't gotta be. I'd say start by choosing one simple thing you can do for yourself, ideally self care if maybe that's lacking right now, or home care if not, and try to do it every day consistently for like 5-7 days. Add another when you got that down. No need to rush. Make it about you, and about feeling better for your own sake. If you miss it one day, don't be a dick to yourself. Just start again the next.

Depression makes us feel like we're being lazy but that's not it. The weight of the world feels heavy on our chests and it can be hard to remember that we each only need to lift our own weight.

Much love man.
 
Hey mate, just quickly... "Anytime I do get something done, I start fuckin off with something stupid and I don't finish.." Well, you managed to write an open hearted post on Bluelight that summarised where you're currently at. So, in fact, you are capable of finishing things. In all seriousness, that rut you describe is a kind of hell. I've been in a similar situation far too many fuckin' times. The despondency, the inertia, the dead pan, low affect shit... I'm hearing you loud and clear. The only thing thats worked for me is digging deep, on that personal tip, and figuring out what's actually going on inside your head. From what you've stated, self awareness is there & things are bothering you & yet you also can't be bothered... damn, depression is a c**t. When things are feeling insurmountable, it's tricky trying to navigate the road ahead. Even though our habit/s destroy us, theres comfort within its dark dependability. It's easier to take the familiar albeit fucked, road instead of the one we know is probably in our better interests. But you gotta try. And when you slip into comfort mode, Groundhog Day-esque bullshit, and you're aware its happening - that's the time to try & take hold of the wheel.
In solidarity, may peace become you.

JustLi vv said:
Ok so I tried finding SOMETHING that relates to my situation but I can't seem to find shit besides people saying they can't get high. I can get high. A lil Backstory tho : I been a daily user for the better part of the last 5 years. Got clean for maybe 6 months once almost 2 years ago but aside from that I been HEAVY using daily. Used to do gram or more hot rails multiple times a day. Then in a really dark time about 9 months ago I was in a shit living situation (won't indulge into that) and decided I was gonna fuck myself off (kill myself but there's no way to sound cool saying that), and I might as well ask the only friend I had in that city to shoot me up (he started recently) cuz I said I never would and fuck it imma die anyway. Well. I obviously did not kill myself. The friend I had knew I was depressed and pretty much never left me alone to kill myself. Now I moved away. Got back with my shitty ex for a minute. Been depressed as hell since i moved back to my shit hometown and my depression has made my house DISGUSTING. like Jesus. My shit was ALWAYS clean and now I look like a bad episode of hoarders. But I can't get shit done. I shoot multiple times a day. It's good shit. Trust me I know my way around the block. I get high for a minute. And I do nothing. I can do a ball in a day and I got nothing. I just lay in bed and eat or sleep or masturbate and then usually pass out after that or sit on my phone. Like what the fuck is wrong with me? I'm high but I have no motivation and nothing seems to help. Anytime I do get something done, I start fuckin off with something stupid and I don't finish.. A tolerance break isn't an option honestly with my super good job cuz I'd be sure to fuck that up with not being able to wake up for a week.. Is anyone else like this? How do I stop? It's probably stupid to ask but am I just like... SUPER depressed or what? Shooting shit has definitely taken me down a road I never wanted to go. I knew that when I did it. But I never imagined I'd be so LAZY on it. What the fuck. Some insight, advice or whatever y'all got, I'm all ears cuz what in the actual fuck is this bullshit I'm experiencing?
Click to expand...
 
In my experience shooting meth made me very unproductive. When I used to snort it I can actually say I did used to actually get things done, like a shitload of studying.

I don't know what it is about shooting it, it changes the way the drug works in my experience. I just sit around on my phone not doing anything of value. The absolute most I'll do is get a bunch of journalling done which is always useful, just not always what I want to do.

Maybe switch back to another ROA?
 
Thats what meth does to you over the long run. Your dopamine is heavily depleted and no amount of meth is going to bring it back. Get off it man, leads to nowhere good. You're in luck, the withdrawal isn't that bad. Mostly sleeping and eating! Who doesn't like sleeping and eating? A week or two and you'll be able to go back to work. Use your vacation time for it.
 
Lately I find myself not sleeping, bored, hitting new posts on bluelight looking for something to read way too often. Whatever im up on...
 
Eligiu said:
In my experience shooting meth made me very unproductive. When I used to snort it I can actually say I did used to actually get things done, like a shitload of studying.

I don't know what it is about shooting it, it changes the way the drug works in my experience. I just sit around on my phone not doing anything of value. The absolute most I'll do is get a bunch of journalling done which is always useful, just not always what I want to do.

Maybe switch back to another ROA?
Click to expand...
I journal constantly on meth I can say I have found shooting really gets a tolerance built fast I just threw out the needle and tapering down so I can get my body to normal somewhat
 
I have the same problem rn. I can't concentrate and I'd have no idea what I'd do if I could.
 
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