Peanut2771
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jun 2, 2017
- Messages
- 12
Ok guys, I really need some help here.. and I will apologize in advance because this will be a long explanation but I want everyone who reads this to fully understand my situation in order to give good advice/opinion.
I am 29 years old, single mom with two kids, and a full-time (office/very professional) career. I have been using opiates for 3 years. It started with Tramadol from my doctor, when I was first diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Degenerative Disc Disease in my lower spine. My doctor advised that the Tramadol was "non-addicting"... but then I found myself watching the clock to take the next dose...My doctor had moved to a different practice about 2 hours from me, so I had to find a new doctor. The new doctor told me that I should NOT have ever been put on Tramadol because of the Serotonin in it, since I was/am already on anti-depressants as it is. I was tapered off of the Tramadol, and that was it. It wasn't very good anyway.
Then I had an abscessed tooth, and the infection spread to my jaw bone. This went on for about 2 months while my dentist kept redoing root canals on me (about 4x) because the tooth was not getting better. Finally, it was time to pull it, because the infection had been in there for so long. I actually had to see a SURGEON because my tooth would no longer go numb... and they had to clean out the actual jaw bone, because the infection had gotten into it and ate a hole through it. During this whole time, a few months, I was prescribed both Norco 10's and Perc 10's, and they told me to alternate them every four hours. After a few months, I was hooked. Then, I started making every excuse in the book to score, because I had gotten used to having those pills and how they made me feel. The following year (2017) I had an ovarian cyst hemorrhage due to Endometriosis (serious, internal bleeding). Had two laproscopic surgeries within 5 weeks, an ovary and appendix removed... and during that time I was prescribed Norco as well.
A month after that, I had broken two teeth on a Jolly Rancher. A couple of root canals to fix those teeth, ended up having to pull one that would not heal even after the root canal, and ended up with dry socket. Was prescribed for these issues as well, again.
So, there have been significant health issues across my time of being on these things that got me some scripts, but when I was not having a major medical issue, I was finding them for myself. My daily usage was about 200 mg Norco a day (at this point), taking 50 mg at a time, 4x a day. I couldn't stop.
I wanted to find a way out, and my way was by using Kratom, as a friend had told me about it, so I went to the store and picked some up. Holy cow it took 90% of the physical withdrawal symptoms away! It was incredible...however, then I was just wanting to be on Kratom. Did not like the high as much as Norco's but it still felt good to be in an altered state of mind... and I ended up going back to using Norco. I bought so much Norco I got so behind in bills, I had to take out payday loans, was lying to everyone about where my money was actually going. It was horrible. The constant seeking, it was all I could think about. I started reasoning it as "I'm not going to clean the house unless I can score today"... I literally got to the point to where I did not like doing ANYTHING unless I had my fix. The days I did not have Norco, I was just supplementing with Kratom.
My current tolerance/preferred use rose to 280 mg / day, 70 mg 4x a day, because I had to keep taking more and more to get the effect I used to get...plus, Kratom has a cross-tolerance with Opiates and so that did not help either. I still am currently taking the Kratom, and if I did not have Norco or Kratom, I would go into withdrawals very quickly. A few days ago, I started becoming depressed because I do not understand what has happened to me... mentally. I have a great life now (despite money issues), and now I feel like I have to be in a constant altered state of mind in order to be happy or do anything. Even in the hardest points of my life (horrible/abusive childhood, abusive marriage, etc) I never used. I had been prescribed Norco before, during those hard times in my life, for wisdom teeth, broken foot... etc... but I never got the urge to work so hard at obtaining them. Now, I have a much better quality of life, yet I want to use. It is all I think about. I have made horrible choices with money in order to obtain a fix. When you take 70 mg at a time, that is NOT a cheap habit.
So that's the history, my pickle is this - How in the world do you distract yourself from these mental cravings? I have to stop this... and I know it's bad for me, I know I will save a ton of money, etc... and I had a friend tell me "just think of those things"... but it doesn't seem to work for me. I literally do not want to do anything unless I have them. I do not want to go to work, I don't want to do my dishes... nothing. I was also told "just get up and force yourself to do things".. which I tried but that seems to bother me more because then I am aware that I am FORCING myself to do things that I do not want to do. I hate working out, it's just not my thing, even before I got into this mess... My old self liked to clean the house, read, go shop, etc... but I just do not want to without Norco because I feel like that is what makes everything great. I really do not understand how I enjoyed life before I started this habit. I hate being sober now, life "seems so much more enjoyable with the Norco. '
How do you get your initiative back? I do not feel pleasure from anything, anymore. Often times, i want to just nap.
How do you stop thinking about opiates all of the time? Even when I wake up, it is the first thing I think about.
Do you force yourself to do things? Or do you just accept it, rest, and tell yourself that your initiative will eventually come back?
I have been told to "just pick up a hobby".. so I have been looking through a list of hobbies and really, nothing intrigues me at all. Again, I feel like I would be forcing myself which irritates me when I do it.
I am not home much at all anyways, we are mostly on the go at the boyfriends house, so that keeps me busy a bit.. but all I want to do when I don't have the Norco is just sit on his couch and veg.
I just have to stop, now. But these cravings are insane, they literally have been controlling me. I hope someone has a little insight to this mental part of this process.
Sorry for the long post. Thank you guys in advance.
I am 29 years old, single mom with two kids, and a full-time (office/very professional) career. I have been using opiates for 3 years. It started with Tramadol from my doctor, when I was first diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Degenerative Disc Disease in my lower spine. My doctor advised that the Tramadol was "non-addicting"... but then I found myself watching the clock to take the next dose...My doctor had moved to a different practice about 2 hours from me, so I had to find a new doctor. The new doctor told me that I should NOT have ever been put on Tramadol because of the Serotonin in it, since I was/am already on anti-depressants as it is. I was tapered off of the Tramadol, and that was it. It wasn't very good anyway.
Then I had an abscessed tooth, and the infection spread to my jaw bone. This went on for about 2 months while my dentist kept redoing root canals on me (about 4x) because the tooth was not getting better. Finally, it was time to pull it, because the infection had been in there for so long. I actually had to see a SURGEON because my tooth would no longer go numb... and they had to clean out the actual jaw bone, because the infection had gotten into it and ate a hole through it. During this whole time, a few months, I was prescribed both Norco 10's and Perc 10's, and they told me to alternate them every four hours. After a few months, I was hooked. Then, I started making every excuse in the book to score, because I had gotten used to having those pills and how they made me feel. The following year (2017) I had an ovarian cyst hemorrhage due to Endometriosis (serious, internal bleeding). Had two laproscopic surgeries within 5 weeks, an ovary and appendix removed... and during that time I was prescribed Norco as well.
A month after that, I had broken two teeth on a Jolly Rancher. A couple of root canals to fix those teeth, ended up having to pull one that would not heal even after the root canal, and ended up with dry socket. Was prescribed for these issues as well, again.
So, there have been significant health issues across my time of being on these things that got me some scripts, but when I was not having a major medical issue, I was finding them for myself. My daily usage was about 200 mg Norco a day (at this point), taking 50 mg at a time, 4x a day. I couldn't stop.
I wanted to find a way out, and my way was by using Kratom, as a friend had told me about it, so I went to the store and picked some up. Holy cow it took 90% of the physical withdrawal symptoms away! It was incredible...however, then I was just wanting to be on Kratom. Did not like the high as much as Norco's but it still felt good to be in an altered state of mind... and I ended up going back to using Norco. I bought so much Norco I got so behind in bills, I had to take out payday loans, was lying to everyone about where my money was actually going. It was horrible. The constant seeking, it was all I could think about. I started reasoning it as "I'm not going to clean the house unless I can score today"... I literally got to the point to where I did not like doing ANYTHING unless I had my fix. The days I did not have Norco, I was just supplementing with Kratom.
My current tolerance/preferred use rose to 280 mg / day, 70 mg 4x a day, because I had to keep taking more and more to get the effect I used to get...plus, Kratom has a cross-tolerance with Opiates and so that did not help either. I still am currently taking the Kratom, and if I did not have Norco or Kratom, I would go into withdrawals very quickly. A few days ago, I started becoming depressed because I do not understand what has happened to me... mentally. I have a great life now (despite money issues), and now I feel like I have to be in a constant altered state of mind in order to be happy or do anything. Even in the hardest points of my life (horrible/abusive childhood, abusive marriage, etc) I never used. I had been prescribed Norco before, during those hard times in my life, for wisdom teeth, broken foot... etc... but I never got the urge to work so hard at obtaining them. Now, I have a much better quality of life, yet I want to use. It is all I think about. I have made horrible choices with money in order to obtain a fix. When you take 70 mg at a time, that is NOT a cheap habit.
So that's the history, my pickle is this - How in the world do you distract yourself from these mental cravings? I have to stop this... and I know it's bad for me, I know I will save a ton of money, etc... and I had a friend tell me "just think of those things"... but it doesn't seem to work for me. I literally do not want to do anything unless I have them. I do not want to go to work, I don't want to do my dishes... nothing. I was also told "just get up and force yourself to do things".. which I tried but that seems to bother me more because then I am aware that I am FORCING myself to do things that I do not want to do. I hate working out, it's just not my thing, even before I got into this mess... My old self liked to clean the house, read, go shop, etc... but I just do not want to without Norco because I feel like that is what makes everything great. I really do not understand how I enjoyed life before I started this habit. I hate being sober now, life "seems so much more enjoyable with the Norco. '
How do you get your initiative back? I do not feel pleasure from anything, anymore. Often times, i want to just nap.
How do you stop thinking about opiates all of the time? Even when I wake up, it is the first thing I think about.
Do you force yourself to do things? Or do you just accept it, rest, and tell yourself that your initiative will eventually come back?
I have been told to "just pick up a hobby".. so I have been looking through a list of hobbies and really, nothing intrigues me at all. Again, I feel like I would be forcing myself which irritates me when I do it.
I am not home much at all anyways, we are mostly on the go at the boyfriends house, so that keeps me busy a bit.. but all I want to do when I don't have the Norco is just sit on his couch and veg.
I just have to stop, now. But these cravings are insane, they literally have been controlling me. I hope someone has a little insight to this mental part of this process.
Sorry for the long post. Thank you guys in advance.
