Finding Employment After Being Fired for Benzodiazapine Abuse
Hello. This is my first post here. I am in a tough spot and I am looking for some insight from other forum members. I do no know where to post this, as my question is not about a particular substance.
I was working at a grocery store for a while. I hated going to work sometimes, but now I very much miss working. I miss having money and structure in my life. I am lucky enough to have people who care about me and give me a place to stay. If it was not for them, I would be on the streets.
I used to get anxious when I went to work; the customers, my coworkers, and the hours slowly dragging by got to my head. What do I do when I'm stressed? Xanax. Well at least that's what I used to do, until I experienced my first mild benzo withdrawal. While it was very, very slight (not as bad as coming off kratom, which was a very mild physical dependency for me as well.) it was enough to show me that benzos will not work for anxiety even in very small doses, unless you use them strictly for short term relief. I now get relief using natural coping skills, or gentle substances such as ashwaganda or l-theanine. I save the xanax for very rare use as a last resort.
So I started taking very small amounts of xanax and going to work. It really made work bearable without impairing my functioning too much. This period did not last for long. One time I acquired xanax from a new source and took what I thought was about .5mg, or a little more. (1/4 bar) It turns out the bars were double pressed, and I didn't know it. Taking even .5mg of xanax before work is a bit irresponsible for me considering how sensitive I am to the drug. Taking what I know now but didn't know at the time was a full mg resulted in a semi-blackout, enough for one of my managers to pick up that I was under the influence of something.
I vaguely remember being told to report to the store manager who questioned me asking me if I was on anything. At this point I was fucked. I denied everything and was asked to take a drug test. I immediately refused knowing I would fail for marijuana and xanax. That was it, I was terminated for suspicion of being under the influence of an illegal substance.
Ever since this happened my life has been hell. I feel like a worthless bum and a leech. I have tried to get jobs but fail everytime. Even when I had an "in" and I felt I was guaranteed the position, I was still denied it either because of my termination from my previous grocery store job or because of my criminal record which I will not be able to expunge for another year. Other things have happened to me as well, and I will not go into detail as I feel like this post is already too wordy for the question at hand. I have tried making money in various ways including freelancing but I am just too depressed to make much money, I need a job and money first. At this point I view my life as a living hell.
My question: What should I write on job applications when they ask why I was terminated from my previous position without disclosing what happened. I have previously written that my employer noticed I was tired and fired me for not performing too well, but that still looks very bad and they probably know what is up. As a reasonably intelligent person, I get the feeling that writing that I was "fired due to being barred out" would instantly bar
me from employment. Especially with the other charge on my record.
I want to work again. I want to get my life together. I am sick of this lifestyle I am living. I am a good person who works hard and I usually make good decisions. I want to wake up without the sickening feeling of truly wanting to die. I never thought it would come to this, I thought I would become a successful person. This is my ultimate low in life and it shouldn't be this way.
Thoughts? Advice?