DepersonalizedHPPD
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2015
- Messages
- 2
Hi eveyone
I suffer from Depersonalization disorder and HPPD. You can read more here if you want to: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization_disorder https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hallucinogen_persisting_perception_disorder
I had mot not taken anything for about 8 months, because of my HPPD and DPD. My DPD is not triggered by a drug, but psychological abuse from childhood and i got HPPD from 4-AcO-DMT. My DPD is so extreme that I did a suicide attempt for about 8 months ago, but it only resulted that it got worse
So that was a little background.
A couple of days ago i decided to give ecstasy a go again, i wanted to feel happy. I took Tesla organge http://pillreports.net/index.php?page=display_pill&id=34540
It started kinda weird, i took it impulsively and i felt bad because it felt like i deceived my girlfriend beacuse of it. So for the first 20-30 minute i thought about telling her or not, but i decided to do it. She did react so bad and i said i would like to chat with her during the trip. So everything was good until about 1h into the trip. I was like, wtf, where is the peak? So I stood up and stretched and then bent down, like crouching. I dunno why, I just thought if I moved a little it would release. I felt like it was stuck in my back. Then i sat down and i felt it in my arms.
Then it all started. I panicked and started some awesome music, but it was making it all worse and i turned it of. This was when my gf came back on skype and wrote to me. I panicked and wrote one of my friend that we had to talk on skype, and when he answered it was like everything fucked up. I couldnt barely talk.
Symptom 1:
i got stuck on some letter like; can u heeeeeeeeeeelp me, or sometimes i didnt even finnished the sentence.
Symptom 2: I just talked and talked and jumped between 12 topics. It was like TOPIC 1 then TOPIC 2 then TOPIC 3, TOPIC 4 then fuck, i didnt finnish TOPIC 1, and i talked about it without finished, then fuck, i didnt finnish TOPIC 2, then TOPIC 5. And back and forward. I had so many different topics and i decided to write down. I start to write and then I started to talk about another topic and forgot writing.
Symptom 3:
I had a strong feeling that someone was at the front door, I could sense the whole body of the person. So meanwhile I was jumping between these topics, every 15th second i was like "oh fuck I forgot about the man at the front door". After having all these disoriented thought I decided that I should confront this man and ask him what he wants. So I walk to the door and open it(You can see through the door) , no one was there. But looked down the corridor and sensed that he walked around the corner. Like he jumped there and hid himself. I was to scared to go there, so I close the door. And imminently he was back, behind my front door. I even get goosebumps now when I think of it. Its like a demon teleported from the corner to my front door. I shitted and walk back to the computer talking about all this topics again and this man that was after me. After around 100 minutes, this feeling disappears and i start to go around in my apartment, talked with my shadow. (i didnt feel it was mine). I ask the devil to show himself, and stop hiding in the shadow. But he never did. So i googled demons like the exorcist
And tried to talk with them. But no one answered and then i was like wtf am i doing. I wanted my soul back, because i sold it some months ago. But i think this about that i wanted to talk to the devil and the demons was a little bit me pushing it. But this about the person at the front door was coming out from no where.
Other strange things and questions
I had no euphoria at all, not a single feel good feeling. So im just wondering what happen? Could my disorder have caused this? I just find it weird that I had no euphoria. I know it was at least 200mg MDMA in there. My friend have taken 12 pills from the same vendor and he is doing fine. Im not an expert but i think it could be two things; I felt so unreal because of my DPD, so i just lost it. OR i have problem with dopamine receptors(i will found it out alter by taking amphetamine)
What I am scared of is that i got a kick of this, and i want to play with the fire. I want to take drugs again and see what happens. I am a pretty destructive person, and i dunno if i would define this as psychosis. But it was scary and interesting at the same time
I suffer from Depersonalization disorder and HPPD. You can read more here if you want to: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization_disorder https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hallucinogen_persisting_perception_disorder
I had mot not taken anything for about 8 months, because of my HPPD and DPD. My DPD is not triggered by a drug, but psychological abuse from childhood and i got HPPD from 4-AcO-DMT. My DPD is so extreme that I did a suicide attempt for about 8 months ago, but it only resulted that it got worse
So that was a little background.A couple of days ago i decided to give ecstasy a go again, i wanted to feel happy. I took Tesla organge http://pillreports.net/index.php?page=display_pill&id=34540
It started kinda weird, i took it impulsively and i felt bad because it felt like i deceived my girlfriend beacuse of it. So for the first 20-30 minute i thought about telling her or not, but i decided to do it. She did react so bad and i said i would like to chat with her during the trip. So everything was good until about 1h into the trip. I was like, wtf, where is the peak? So I stood up and stretched and then bent down, like crouching. I dunno why, I just thought if I moved a little it would release. I felt like it was stuck in my back. Then i sat down and i felt it in my arms.
Then it all started. I panicked and started some awesome music, but it was making it all worse and i turned it of. This was when my gf came back on skype and wrote to me. I panicked and wrote one of my friend that we had to talk on skype, and when he answered it was like everything fucked up. I couldnt barely talk.
Symptom 1:
i got stuck on some letter like; can u heeeeeeeeeeelp me, or sometimes i didnt even finnished the sentence.
Symptom 2: I just talked and talked and jumped between 12 topics. It was like TOPIC 1 then TOPIC 2 then TOPIC 3, TOPIC 4 then fuck, i didnt finnish TOPIC 1, and i talked about it without finished, then fuck, i didnt finnish TOPIC 2, then TOPIC 5. And back and forward. I had so many different topics and i decided to write down. I start to write and then I started to talk about another topic and forgot writing.
Symptom 3:
I had a strong feeling that someone was at the front door, I could sense the whole body of the person. So meanwhile I was jumping between these topics, every 15th second i was like "oh fuck I forgot about the man at the front door". After having all these disoriented thought I decided that I should confront this man and ask him what he wants. So I walk to the door and open it(You can see through the door) , no one was there. But looked down the corridor and sensed that he walked around the corner. Like he jumped there and hid himself. I was to scared to go there, so I close the door. And imminently he was back, behind my front door. I even get goosebumps now when I think of it. Its like a demon teleported from the corner to my front door. I shitted and walk back to the computer talking about all this topics again and this man that was after me. After around 100 minutes, this feeling disappears and i start to go around in my apartment, talked with my shadow. (i didnt feel it was mine). I ask the devil to show himself, and stop hiding in the shadow. But he never did. So i googled demons like the exorcist
Other strange things and questions
I had no euphoria at all, not a single feel good feeling. So im just wondering what happen? Could my disorder have caused this? I just find it weird that I had no euphoria. I know it was at least 200mg MDMA in there. My friend have taken 12 pills from the same vendor and he is doing fine. Im not an expert but i think it could be two things; I felt so unreal because of my DPD, so i just lost it. OR i have problem with dopamine receptors(i will found it out alter by taking amphetamine)
What I am scared of is that i got a kick of this, and i want to play with the fire. I want to take drugs again and see what happens. I am a pretty destructive person, and i dunno if i would define this as psychosis. But it was scary and interesting at the same time
