So I don't really know where to start as I'm new to all this Internet forum stuff.
I guess I wanted to write my story Incase others have had a similar problem and needed some hope. Because after what it feels I've been through I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
For me it all started when I broke up with my girlfriend who at the time even though I was working away from home, all my friends and stuck In a small town with only 3 pubs in I relied on her a lot for my drive in life. Even though I had numerous hard days at work I always had her face in the back of my mind and it made it all worth it when I saw her.
So anyway we broke up, my fault, as she came over for my birthday and read through my Facebook messages and found I had messaged a girl a few days earlier at my birthday party,messages saying I wanted to have sex with some girl and so on. I was drunk at the time and angry at my girlfriend for not making the effort to come to my party. No excuse I know it young and dumb.
Anyway time went on, I was very sad and incredibly stressed how my own actions had ended me up where I was. I was still working and alone and felt hopeless.
After a few weeks I started going to the gym and decided I was going to get in better shape having always trained on and off all my life.Months went by and I even took superdrol for 4 weeks, a pro hormone steroid to enhance my results and I can say that drug turned my life around. I felt incredible I was growing at a crazy rate and also loosing body fat.
After those 4 weeks I felt like I could take on the world. I had grown a beard and actually felt like a man for the first time in my life. I was so buzzing for life and smiled everyday at work making people laugh with my mental outbursts of random shit. Music sounded good. Good songs made me feel great I always had an earphone in.
So with this extra confidence I started going to a lot more parties and clubs. I was out every weekend either taking cocaine or mdma. By Wednesday every week I would hear a tune I liked and it got me so pumped to party again and take drugs especially mdma.
Sometimes I would manage half a gram in a night, other nights I really went over board and probably did a gram In between the hours of 8pm-8am+ sometimes I would finish at mid day the next day.
This went on for about 5/6 months. I would try and only take mdma once a month but other months I would take it on a weekly basis if I had plenty of good stuff.
So in September,I had a party with my friends from
Home and the mdma was tested. It was completely pure and un cut in rock form.
That night I took the normal
Amount maybe a 200-250mg bomb. I felt my brain kinda burning ( this I had had before when I dropped after already dropping and to me was just a sensation my brain had Zapped all my serotonin)
I continued that night doing the occasional line and drinking right till 11am the next day when I finally crashed out.
What I woke up into was pure hell. The kinda anxiety and depression, sense of worthlessness that I can't even describe. I knew in my head it was just an awful come down but I almost called 999 during moments I was panicking so much I really felt in hell. Getting back to mine was a battle itself. If only I had the time to explain the whole thing to you all.
So 3 days later I started a new job. Having called in sick on my first day as Monday was unbearable. I felt awful all week, I would wake up having nightmares, extreme panic attacks and feeling so frightened at everything I looked at, weird right? but that following Saturday went to meet a girl I met online to take some mdma and have a few drinks.
I was careful this time and only had small doses but had a great time, no head burning. She was off her rocker and works as an estate agent. She was so high she started showing me round my own house lol. A good night.
The week after we got together again and did it again. The high was the best high I had had from mdma in months and months. I felt so tired but so happy and relaxed.
I decided after that weekend enough mdma was enough, as I didn't seem to be completely recovering throughout the week.
This is when the real fun began,
I went out and just drank declined all drugs the following weekend. I had a blast of a night and was home in bed by 1 all full of food and really drunk.
The following morning I woke up into hell again. My whole brain felt scrambled. My heart was racing, I felt so negative and worthless and like there wasn't anything anybody or any drug in the world could do to make me feel normal. I was begging for it to end.
I phoned up 111( non emergency line) about 5 times that day. So frightened over what had happened to me. What had changed why did I feel like this?
Anyway I got over it, had another week at work constantly asking myself how I was feeling, I wasn't getting enjoyment from anything. Music, playing instruments or playing video games.
I would spend my week days what felt like battling to stay alive and come home light candles in my room and listen to ambient music and mediate. I didn't want to speak to anyone I just wanted the old me back.
So of course it was Friday again, I felt kinda normal and got on the sauce again. Same thing happened the following day. I knew something had changed in my brain by that point. It wasn't just a phase. I was depressed and with it I had anxiety to the point I had shooting pains of constant fright in my arms.
I went to the doctors, who I was very honest with about my year. She made me feel like I wasn't alone and this kinda thing happens to loads of people. She also prescribed me sertraline an SSRI. Blaming I felt why I did because i had zapped my bodies serotonin levels. So when I drank what serotonin I had was released and the next day I had none. Hense these depression/anxiety attacks when hungover.
I didn't take the SSRI at first. I thought I can do this without meds. So another weekend came and of course I went out drinking. The hangover wasn't as bad as the last few but it was bad enough to say ok,take these tablets. I took 50mgs of sertraline and after 2 hours I felt my brain kinda burning the same way it did when I had had too much mdma. I also got a kinda tight jaw but obviously no euphoria. But I think it had the placebo effect that I was on the road to recovery. I felt ok, a glimpse of hope at last.
So the next day I took my tablet again, I felt very spaced out, very stressed and anxious that I was actually taking medication for my mental health. What had happened to me.
The Monday I woke up into the most scared, paranoid, frightened state of mind I have ever had. It felt like someone had opened my brain mixed it with gone off milk, taken a shit in it and slammed the lid shut.
I desperately phoned the doctors to make an emergency appointment. I couldn't bare life everything felt upside down.
Anyway she said the first few days or weeks on sertraline can be very hard. Hell had I known it was going to be this hard I just wouldn't had. In my eyes I kept going backwards. I was getting more depressed and scared and felt like I was loosing my mind. How had I gone from this witty, out going, loving happy always smiling man to this train wreck of an excuse of a human. I was convinced I'd be dead or in a mental home before Christmas.
So I was prescribed diazepam. I came home took my tablet, and oh my god the euphoria I had after an hour. Everything, I mean every single thing that had been racing round my head vanished. A sense of hope came back. I could deal with life and I just lay on my bed in awe of how great it felt to just feel relaxed.
So I continued my sertraline, also taking diazepam when I felt my brain turning to mush. It allowed me to focus at work.
2 weeks later I had a check up with another doctor to see how I was doing. I told
Him I was having very up and down days, some days I felt like everything was getting better, others I felt bad but nothing compared to how bad I have felt in the past.
He decided to change my medication. I felt this was a crap idea as he didn't seem to listen to me and both times I drank on sertraline I just had a hangover and one of them times I actually had crazy fun random Me back. None of this depression anxiety panic shit I normally got. Rather than my days feeling between a 1-5 out of 10, 1 being the worst I've felt and 10 being me in my prime in the summer, they were more like a 3-7.
So I came home and spoke to all my friends about it. He had put me off doctors so I decided to tackle it without medication.
It's been 4 weeks since and I have stopped sertraline,my anxiety has kinda gone but the depression has come back but also started to lift.
However I am every few days feeling that bit more optimistic about life. I'm playing instruments again, enjoying team fortress 2. Talking to girls and making people laugh again.
I just wanted to write this Incase anyone else had zapped their brains too hard with drugs, even if to mask their own problems and fears. I haven't touched a drug other than alcohol in 8 weeks now.
I just want anyone to know you aren't alone, you aren't going to feel how you do forever and things will get better I promise. That's always the biggest fear isn't it?! I'm going to feel like this forever....you won't, the brain is a very slow mending machine. And let's just take a moment to remember alcohol and drugs are just potions that allow us to borrow happiness from tomorrow. Too much borrowed happiness like borrowed money is going to take you some time to get out of. So take it one day at a time, 3 steps back is still a step forward, because we have to remember time is the healer here. If you stick with SSRI's that's great. Part of me thinks I should had but I only want to take drugs that make me feel good because I'm addicted to disco just as much as I am cheese on toast. But no matter how hard things get, never give up. Do what you have to do and make sure you make people around you aware of what's going on. You will learn to laugh at it when you feel good and laughter is the best medicine for anything.
My heart goes out to all of you who may be flaking out in a similar circumstance. But trust me, going through this only makes you stronger.
All the best
I guess I wanted to write my story Incase others have had a similar problem and needed some hope. Because after what it feels I've been through I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
For me it all started when I broke up with my girlfriend who at the time even though I was working away from home, all my friends and stuck In a small town with only 3 pubs in I relied on her a lot for my drive in life. Even though I had numerous hard days at work I always had her face in the back of my mind and it made it all worth it when I saw her.
So anyway we broke up, my fault, as she came over for my birthday and read through my Facebook messages and found I had messaged a girl a few days earlier at my birthday party,messages saying I wanted to have sex with some girl and so on. I was drunk at the time and angry at my girlfriend for not making the effort to come to my party. No excuse I know it young and dumb.
Anyway time went on, I was very sad and incredibly stressed how my own actions had ended me up where I was. I was still working and alone and felt hopeless.
After a few weeks I started going to the gym and decided I was going to get in better shape having always trained on and off all my life.Months went by and I even took superdrol for 4 weeks, a pro hormone steroid to enhance my results and I can say that drug turned my life around. I felt incredible I was growing at a crazy rate and also loosing body fat.
After those 4 weeks I felt like I could take on the world. I had grown a beard and actually felt like a man for the first time in my life. I was so buzzing for life and smiled everyday at work making people laugh with my mental outbursts of random shit. Music sounded good. Good songs made me feel great I always had an earphone in.
So with this extra confidence I started going to a lot more parties and clubs. I was out every weekend either taking cocaine or mdma. By Wednesday every week I would hear a tune I liked and it got me so pumped to party again and take drugs especially mdma.
Sometimes I would manage half a gram in a night, other nights I really went over board and probably did a gram In between the hours of 8pm-8am+ sometimes I would finish at mid day the next day.
This went on for about 5/6 months. I would try and only take mdma once a month but other months I would take it on a weekly basis if I had plenty of good stuff.
So in September,I had a party with my friends from
Home and the mdma was tested. It was completely pure and un cut in rock form.
That night I took the normal
Amount maybe a 200-250mg bomb. I felt my brain kinda burning ( this I had had before when I dropped after already dropping and to me was just a sensation my brain had Zapped all my serotonin)
I continued that night doing the occasional line and drinking right till 11am the next day when I finally crashed out.
What I woke up into was pure hell. The kinda anxiety and depression, sense of worthlessness that I can't even describe. I knew in my head it was just an awful come down but I almost called 999 during moments I was panicking so much I really felt in hell. Getting back to mine was a battle itself. If only I had the time to explain the whole thing to you all.
So 3 days later I started a new job. Having called in sick on my first day as Monday was unbearable. I felt awful all week, I would wake up having nightmares, extreme panic attacks and feeling so frightened at everything I looked at, weird right? but that following Saturday went to meet a girl I met online to take some mdma and have a few drinks.
I was careful this time and only had small doses but had a great time, no head burning. She was off her rocker and works as an estate agent. She was so high she started showing me round my own house lol. A good night.
The week after we got together again and did it again. The high was the best high I had had from mdma in months and months. I felt so tired but so happy and relaxed.
I decided after that weekend enough mdma was enough, as I didn't seem to be completely recovering throughout the week.
This is when the real fun began,
I went out and just drank declined all drugs the following weekend. I had a blast of a night and was home in bed by 1 all full of food and really drunk.
The following morning I woke up into hell again. My whole brain felt scrambled. My heart was racing, I felt so negative and worthless and like there wasn't anything anybody or any drug in the world could do to make me feel normal. I was begging for it to end.
I phoned up 111( non emergency line) about 5 times that day. So frightened over what had happened to me. What had changed why did I feel like this?
Anyway I got over it, had another week at work constantly asking myself how I was feeling, I wasn't getting enjoyment from anything. Music, playing instruments or playing video games.
I would spend my week days what felt like battling to stay alive and come home light candles in my room and listen to ambient music and mediate. I didn't want to speak to anyone I just wanted the old me back.
So of course it was Friday again, I felt kinda normal and got on the sauce again. Same thing happened the following day. I knew something had changed in my brain by that point. It wasn't just a phase. I was depressed and with it I had anxiety to the point I had shooting pains of constant fright in my arms.
I went to the doctors, who I was very honest with about my year. She made me feel like I wasn't alone and this kinda thing happens to loads of people. She also prescribed me sertraline an SSRI. Blaming I felt why I did because i had zapped my bodies serotonin levels. So when I drank what serotonin I had was released and the next day I had none. Hense these depression/anxiety attacks when hungover.
I didn't take the SSRI at first. I thought I can do this without meds. So another weekend came and of course I went out drinking. The hangover wasn't as bad as the last few but it was bad enough to say ok,take these tablets. I took 50mgs of sertraline and after 2 hours I felt my brain kinda burning the same way it did when I had had too much mdma. I also got a kinda tight jaw but obviously no euphoria. But I think it had the placebo effect that I was on the road to recovery. I felt ok, a glimpse of hope at last.
So the next day I took my tablet again, I felt very spaced out, very stressed and anxious that I was actually taking medication for my mental health. What had happened to me.
The Monday I woke up into the most scared, paranoid, frightened state of mind I have ever had. It felt like someone had opened my brain mixed it with gone off milk, taken a shit in it and slammed the lid shut.
I desperately phoned the doctors to make an emergency appointment. I couldn't bare life everything felt upside down.
Anyway she said the first few days or weeks on sertraline can be very hard. Hell had I known it was going to be this hard I just wouldn't had. In my eyes I kept going backwards. I was getting more depressed and scared and felt like I was loosing my mind. How had I gone from this witty, out going, loving happy always smiling man to this train wreck of an excuse of a human. I was convinced I'd be dead or in a mental home before Christmas.
So I was prescribed diazepam. I came home took my tablet, and oh my god the euphoria I had after an hour. Everything, I mean every single thing that had been racing round my head vanished. A sense of hope came back. I could deal with life and I just lay on my bed in awe of how great it felt to just feel relaxed.
So I continued my sertraline, also taking diazepam when I felt my brain turning to mush. It allowed me to focus at work.
2 weeks later I had a check up with another doctor to see how I was doing. I told
Him I was having very up and down days, some days I felt like everything was getting better, others I felt bad but nothing compared to how bad I have felt in the past.
He decided to change my medication. I felt this was a crap idea as he didn't seem to listen to me and both times I drank on sertraline I just had a hangover and one of them times I actually had crazy fun random Me back. None of this depression anxiety panic shit I normally got. Rather than my days feeling between a 1-5 out of 10, 1 being the worst I've felt and 10 being me in my prime in the summer, they were more like a 3-7.
So I came home and spoke to all my friends about it. He had put me off doctors so I decided to tackle it without medication.
It's been 4 weeks since and I have stopped sertraline,my anxiety has kinda gone but the depression has come back but also started to lift.
However I am every few days feeling that bit more optimistic about life. I'm playing instruments again, enjoying team fortress 2. Talking to girls and making people laugh again.
I just wanted to write this Incase anyone else had zapped their brains too hard with drugs, even if to mask their own problems and fears. I haven't touched a drug other than alcohol in 8 weeks now.
I just want anyone to know you aren't alone, you aren't going to feel how you do forever and things will get better I promise. That's always the biggest fear isn't it?! I'm going to feel like this forever....you won't, the brain is a very slow mending machine. And let's just take a moment to remember alcohol and drugs are just potions that allow us to borrow happiness from tomorrow. Too much borrowed happiness like borrowed money is going to take you some time to get out of. So take it one day at a time, 3 steps back is still a step forward, because we have to remember time is the healer here. If you stick with SSRI's that's great. Part of me thinks I should had but I only want to take drugs that make me feel good because I'm addicted to disco just as much as I am cheese on toast. But no matter how hard things get, never give up. Do what you have to do and make sure you make people around you aware of what's going on. You will learn to laugh at it when you feel good and laughter is the best medicine for anything.
My heart goes out to all of you who may be flaking out in a similar circumstance. But trust me, going through this only makes you stronger.
All the best