LittleCrazy
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Nov 18, 2015
- Messages
- 8
This is a story of how I have matured in a span of a few months, compared to 27 years of my life. Inspiration from Bluelight.
“I took the one less travelled by…And that has made all the difference” – Robert Frost
Let me begin with some details about myself. I am a 27 year old male, career-oriented pharmacist. This story is my road to recovery, mental and physical…always healing one step at a go. I never believed in writing, however reading a lot online has made me realise that this post may save one life, give that life hope, reading this may help those who feel hopeless. It surely helped me. A large part of my road to recovery was through positive posts that people posted online. Trust me, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I promise, that this cliché line is actually true.
I’ve always been that party guy, went to uni till the age of 22, partied away. Alcohol and Marijuana was my medicine. Getting wasted and high was a 4-day week ritual. I moved back home after uni, where my alcohol consumption dramatically decreased, because my new toxin was weed. Oh how I loved it, never understood those who hated it. Smoking a blunt was a daily occurrence, working sober during the day, and post-work highness and binging on food. This went on for a good 2-3 years.
Note that I still had never done drugs to this date. Then came September 2014. I was at a house party, got quite tipsy. Went out to a night club after that, and one of my friends gave me a very tiny ecstasy pill. I swallowed half. Felt nothing. Thought it was just activated charcoal or a filler or something similar. So I decided to have another quarter. Still nothing. Note that all my other friends were rolling at this point and were dancing their night away. I was simply standing in the corner watching them as I was talking to another friend who doesn’t roll. Then it hit me. It was like a wave hit my head. At first I got worried and anxious, never felt anything strange like that before. My friend took me out to calm down. Then the music hit me. I had never felt so amazing in my life. I was blending in with the music, loved everyone around me. Oh I was rolling hard.
Next day went by, no come down, no suicide Tuesday as my friends call it. I even had an amazing afterglow for months after. Life was amazing, I looked at the whole world in a much more positive manner. Grass looked greener. Everything looked beautiful. So I decided to have my next roll in December 2015 for new years. I rolled hard again at a pool and beach party the day before new years, and again on new years night. Both nights were amazing. 1 pill on the first night and one MDMA capsule in water on new years night. Rolls on the successive nights were getting better and better. This was an amazing drug. Alcohol is a loser clearly. Again no come down, no suicide Tuesday, no depression, nothing! This drug was amazing! I could dance for hours, as long as I kept rehydrated etc. I rolled two times again after that. Once in February 2015 for my birthday and then in March 2015 for a house party. So basically, I was averaging a roll a month, if not longer. Everything was going perfect. Life was looking better and the afterglow was getting better. And clearly, smoking weed was helping the comedowns such that I didn’t even feel any.
Then at the end of March, I was smoking a joint at one of my friend’s house, and did ONE line of cocaine. Chilling, enjoying the moment, when suddenly I got a Panic Attack. My first one ever. It was the worst thing ever. It was a MASSIVE Panic Attack. Shortness of breath, hyperventilation, could not breathe, heart was pounding, I was thinking it was a heart attack and thought the cocaine had damaged my heart. I literally thought I was going to die. Pacing back and forth. Did not sleep the whole night, Panic Attacks were coming and going in waves, with extreme Anxiety in between. I did not know what was happening. I thought I had damaged myself. That was the last time I had ever done any toxin for a long time.
From this day I experienced daily shortness of breath for months, despite stopping all caffeine (coffee & tea), alcohol, cigarettes, sheesha, weed, drugs. I stopped everything. I felt like my condition was getting worse. A lot of anxiety. Frequent Panic Attacks. Depression. I felt like there was nothing worth living for, I was single, life was pathetic, what is the point of living like this. Will I ever recover. It is my fault for my stupidity. And none of my friends around me seemed to care, since this had not happened to any of them. Am I weak. Why is this only happening to me. I have ruined my life, my career, probably upset my Mum, who I am extremely close to. Started to lose majority of my friends who were in this drug binge, and clearly since I wasn’t doing any of that, they would not chill with me. The depression, anxiety, panic was taking over my life. Suicide was the only way out. Only thing that helped me not commit suicide is that it is against my religion.
I have always had OCD but to manageable levels, and now the OCD was getting unbearable. Social Anxiety went to the level where I couldn’t even have small meetings or hold a presentation at work without getting a severe Panic Attack and excusing myself from conducting them. And before this I was amazing at them. I used to be so brave and courageous. General Anxiety was taking over my life, which was leading to Agoraphobia. I just did not want to leave the house. Stopped talking to ALL my friends. These Panic Attacks would come and go in waves, especially when I first wake up in the morning, then in the afternoon and one at night, daily. Chest tightness, feelings of depersonalisation and derealisation was overshadowing my daily living. This shortness of breath continuously was killing me. My OCD was getting so bad, that I thought I had HIV, I thought I had Cancer, I thought I had brain lesions. Went for various tests. Spent so much money on these tests. I thought I had Schizophrenia, then Pyschosis, that I was going mental. Being in the medical profession made it worse. I thought I had everything. I live in Africa, and the sight of any disorganisation and dirtiness would send my brain spiralling out of stock. I was constantly restless and agitated. What had I done to myself. I did not even want to wake up in the morning. Just hope I would sleep and not wake up. I was a slave to my own mind.
I decided to go and see a doctor and psychologist, a month after my first panic attack, and that was around April 2015. The doctor said I suffer with Anxiety, Panic Disorder, Depression (I cried to the doctor like a small baby) and OCD. I was put on Benzos and Anti-depressants (Xanax & Prozac to be specific). But being a pharmacist, I knew about the adverse effects of these medications. The withdrawals associated with them. I messed myself with one drug, I didn’t want to mess myself up with other drugs. My anxiety was making me extremely anxious about medication itself. I stopped seeing the doctor. Stopped all medication, because I was getting worse.
But I promise, it gets better. Day after day, it gets better. It gets better in waves. I altered my lifestyle completely from April 2015 to date. I didn’t know I had so much will power, but I do. Months have gone by, I exercise very regularly. Ingest very little toxin, whatsoever (started drinking only a month ago, which I still do not enjoy as I get panic attacks when I drink). I started to meditate, pray, I am not back to 100% of my old self. Maybe 60-70%, but this is a far progress from where I have come from. I promise it gets better guys. Exercise. I cannot over emphasise on that. It helps so much. Positive thinking. It is so difficult but it helps. Multivitamins. Omega-3 Capsules. More exercise, going for nature runs in the forest, working out, yoga, playing squash.
And the best of all, I fell in love with someone who loves my condition alongside with me. I understand not many of you may be in this position, but I am just sharing so you know what has helped me. Initial reaction is to push everyone away. That is wrong. My mum and my second half have been by pillar through this tough time. You need comfort. I still get those days where I feel extremely anxious, extreme shortness of breath, negative thinking, depressed, panicky, or a mixture. But you know what, it is not forever. It is temporary and will go away. I have learnt to embrace my mental conditions. I have become a much better person. More caring and loving. This all was a blessing in disguise. Everyone has a wake up call sometime in their lives. This was mine. I have come to love my anxiety. I embrace it. And it is getting better, although in waves, there is an upward trend to recovery. I have learnt to have a few friends who are actually there for me and who will be there in sickness & in health, rather than having a gazillion fake friends, who are there just to party and blow money and show off.
I thought that posting my experience will help those who are on their road to recovery. I do not regret my past. I enjoyed. It is out of my system. I can focus on my life and my career now.
I promise, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I promise guys. Hang in there.
- Anonymous
“I took the one less travelled by…And that has made all the difference” – Robert Frost
Let me begin with some details about myself. I am a 27 year old male, career-oriented pharmacist. This story is my road to recovery, mental and physical…always healing one step at a go. I never believed in writing, however reading a lot online has made me realise that this post may save one life, give that life hope, reading this may help those who feel hopeless. It surely helped me. A large part of my road to recovery was through positive posts that people posted online. Trust me, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I promise, that this cliché line is actually true.
I’ve always been that party guy, went to uni till the age of 22, partied away. Alcohol and Marijuana was my medicine. Getting wasted and high was a 4-day week ritual. I moved back home after uni, where my alcohol consumption dramatically decreased, because my new toxin was weed. Oh how I loved it, never understood those who hated it. Smoking a blunt was a daily occurrence, working sober during the day, and post-work highness and binging on food. This went on for a good 2-3 years.
Note that I still had never done drugs to this date. Then came September 2014. I was at a house party, got quite tipsy. Went out to a night club after that, and one of my friends gave me a very tiny ecstasy pill. I swallowed half. Felt nothing. Thought it was just activated charcoal or a filler or something similar. So I decided to have another quarter. Still nothing. Note that all my other friends were rolling at this point and were dancing their night away. I was simply standing in the corner watching them as I was talking to another friend who doesn’t roll. Then it hit me. It was like a wave hit my head. At first I got worried and anxious, never felt anything strange like that before. My friend took me out to calm down. Then the music hit me. I had never felt so amazing in my life. I was blending in with the music, loved everyone around me. Oh I was rolling hard.
Next day went by, no come down, no suicide Tuesday as my friends call it. I even had an amazing afterglow for months after. Life was amazing, I looked at the whole world in a much more positive manner. Grass looked greener. Everything looked beautiful. So I decided to have my next roll in December 2015 for new years. I rolled hard again at a pool and beach party the day before new years, and again on new years night. Both nights were amazing. 1 pill on the first night and one MDMA capsule in water on new years night. Rolls on the successive nights were getting better and better. This was an amazing drug. Alcohol is a loser clearly. Again no come down, no suicide Tuesday, no depression, nothing! This drug was amazing! I could dance for hours, as long as I kept rehydrated etc. I rolled two times again after that. Once in February 2015 for my birthday and then in March 2015 for a house party. So basically, I was averaging a roll a month, if not longer. Everything was going perfect. Life was looking better and the afterglow was getting better. And clearly, smoking weed was helping the comedowns such that I didn’t even feel any.
Then at the end of March, I was smoking a joint at one of my friend’s house, and did ONE line of cocaine. Chilling, enjoying the moment, when suddenly I got a Panic Attack. My first one ever. It was the worst thing ever. It was a MASSIVE Panic Attack. Shortness of breath, hyperventilation, could not breathe, heart was pounding, I was thinking it was a heart attack and thought the cocaine had damaged my heart. I literally thought I was going to die. Pacing back and forth. Did not sleep the whole night, Panic Attacks were coming and going in waves, with extreme Anxiety in between. I did not know what was happening. I thought I had damaged myself. That was the last time I had ever done any toxin for a long time.
From this day I experienced daily shortness of breath for months, despite stopping all caffeine (coffee & tea), alcohol, cigarettes, sheesha, weed, drugs. I stopped everything. I felt like my condition was getting worse. A lot of anxiety. Frequent Panic Attacks. Depression. I felt like there was nothing worth living for, I was single, life was pathetic, what is the point of living like this. Will I ever recover. It is my fault for my stupidity. And none of my friends around me seemed to care, since this had not happened to any of them. Am I weak. Why is this only happening to me. I have ruined my life, my career, probably upset my Mum, who I am extremely close to. Started to lose majority of my friends who were in this drug binge, and clearly since I wasn’t doing any of that, they would not chill with me. The depression, anxiety, panic was taking over my life. Suicide was the only way out. Only thing that helped me not commit suicide is that it is against my religion.
I have always had OCD but to manageable levels, and now the OCD was getting unbearable. Social Anxiety went to the level where I couldn’t even have small meetings or hold a presentation at work without getting a severe Panic Attack and excusing myself from conducting them. And before this I was amazing at them. I used to be so brave and courageous. General Anxiety was taking over my life, which was leading to Agoraphobia. I just did not want to leave the house. Stopped talking to ALL my friends. These Panic Attacks would come and go in waves, especially when I first wake up in the morning, then in the afternoon and one at night, daily. Chest tightness, feelings of depersonalisation and derealisation was overshadowing my daily living. This shortness of breath continuously was killing me. My OCD was getting so bad, that I thought I had HIV, I thought I had Cancer, I thought I had brain lesions. Went for various tests. Spent so much money on these tests. I thought I had Schizophrenia, then Pyschosis, that I was going mental. Being in the medical profession made it worse. I thought I had everything. I live in Africa, and the sight of any disorganisation and dirtiness would send my brain spiralling out of stock. I was constantly restless and agitated. What had I done to myself. I did not even want to wake up in the morning. Just hope I would sleep and not wake up. I was a slave to my own mind.
I decided to go and see a doctor and psychologist, a month after my first panic attack, and that was around April 2015. The doctor said I suffer with Anxiety, Panic Disorder, Depression (I cried to the doctor like a small baby) and OCD. I was put on Benzos and Anti-depressants (Xanax & Prozac to be specific). But being a pharmacist, I knew about the adverse effects of these medications. The withdrawals associated with them. I messed myself with one drug, I didn’t want to mess myself up with other drugs. My anxiety was making me extremely anxious about medication itself. I stopped seeing the doctor. Stopped all medication, because I was getting worse.
But I promise, it gets better. Day after day, it gets better. It gets better in waves. I altered my lifestyle completely from April 2015 to date. I didn’t know I had so much will power, but I do. Months have gone by, I exercise very regularly. Ingest very little toxin, whatsoever (started drinking only a month ago, which I still do not enjoy as I get panic attacks when I drink). I started to meditate, pray, I am not back to 100% of my old self. Maybe 60-70%, but this is a far progress from where I have come from. I promise it gets better guys. Exercise. I cannot over emphasise on that. It helps so much. Positive thinking. It is so difficult but it helps. Multivitamins. Omega-3 Capsules. More exercise, going for nature runs in the forest, working out, yoga, playing squash.
And the best of all, I fell in love with someone who loves my condition alongside with me. I understand not many of you may be in this position, but I am just sharing so you know what has helped me. Initial reaction is to push everyone away. That is wrong. My mum and my second half have been by pillar through this tough time. You need comfort. I still get those days where I feel extremely anxious, extreme shortness of breath, negative thinking, depressed, panicky, or a mixture. But you know what, it is not forever. It is temporary and will go away. I have learnt to embrace my mental conditions. I have become a much better person. More caring and loving. This all was a blessing in disguise. Everyone has a wake up call sometime in their lives. This was mine. I have come to love my anxiety. I embrace it. And it is getting better, although in waves, there is an upward trend to recovery. I have learnt to have a few friends who are actually there for me and who will be there in sickness & in health, rather than having a gazillion fake friends, who are there just to party and blow money and show off.
I thought that posting my experience will help those who are on their road to recovery. I do not regret my past. I enjoyed. It is out of my system. I can focus on my life and my career now.
I promise, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I promise guys. Hang in there.
- Anonymous