Hi there,
I'm going through a hard time currently and I am worried that my drug taking has damaged me mentally. I'm looking to hear from people who have shared experiences (with hopefully good news). I am quite desperate now.
A bit of a basic background before I started taking MDMA:
-I was generally a quiet, reserved guy most of the time. With people I felt comfortable with I would sometimes come out of my shell a lot and be very cheerful, other times I would close in on myself, being observant and in my own head rather than engaged in the conversation / activity.
-I was diagnosed with depression when I was 18/19 after a messy split with a girlfriend who was cheating on me, combined with me losing almost all of my friends. I have attempted suicide on a couple of occasions.
-In order to try and cope with how I felt, I became addicted to online gaming for over 2 years. Whilst I was at university, I struggled to be able to communicate with people and felt like I was nobody's friend, often just 'that weird guy' who hangs about. I did make a couple of friends but if I wasn't extremely close to them, I would feel too distant and often abandon the friendship. Sometimes I get paranoid about certain tension or hostility arising which would then cause me to make it so.
-I often felt and still do feel incredibly lonely and depressed. Even if I have just seen friends recently.
-I have an addictive personality. I fixate on one thing as easily as a hawk does it's prey. Gaming, guitar, certain foods, seats, journeys, cigarettes, and more are all common things that I have became addicted to at one point or another. I create rituals around my life in which I will repeatedly do things and if I break from that ritual it can make me feel uneasy, even make me avoid the situation entirely.
I started taking MDMA back in February 2014 (aside from a couple of occasions where the dosage was so small I felt no affect). I had gone out clubbing with a friend and we ended up going to an afterparty at which I took MDMA. I loved it. It completely broke me out of my shell that would normally prevent me from interacting with strangers that well. I fell in love with the world for the first time and completely didn't realise I had pulled (she was disappointed!).
I loved the drug so much and I wanted more.
The issue is that I have a hugely addictive personality and I loved the stuff way too much. It made me who I wanted to be (or at least I thought it did) and so I figured out how to get it, and then figured out how to get it cheap. In bulk. By May I was snorting up to 3 grams in a weekend every weekend to myself. The point I would try and reach and sustain every time is the point where the lights start flickering (I called it the strobe affect), I would lose my sense of self almost and feel almost like I was barely conscious.
Further into the year the year I sometimes took 4 grams to myself. The affects of my highs led me to lose sense of reality. Sometimes I would start talking to people as if I was at work, telling them to do things or that I was doing things that I would normally do at work (much to their confusement). Sometimes I would lose consciousness entirely. Towards the end of my use of MDMA, I was hallucinating whilst high, often seeing faces distort. One time in particular I was standing at the loo unsuccessfully trying to urinate, only to see a shadow where my urine would have been, and then to see what I thought was liquid metal pouring into the bowl (nothing there).
I never really felt what people called a 'downer' after taking. I used to get brain zaps a lot though and often have concentration issues. The thing that did happen though is I lost touch with how I actually felt. I often didn't know if I was happy, sad, or anything really. I also couldn't make sense of how I felt about other people, in particular women I was involved with. I was still trying to sleep with an ex (consensual!) but also couldn't figure out if I liked a girl (girl A) I had met in May/June. One day I would find girl A's company great, only to all of a sudden feeling claustrophobic and smothered, often saying nasty things that I didn't mean as a result. I would either treat her like a queen, or treat her as if she was a diseased animal that had just ran into my house.
The reason I stopped taking MDMA (October) was because Girl A met someone else and told me whilst she does love me and care about me, she couldn't be with me. I looked back at texts I had sent, listened to her story on events between us, and I felt disgusted. I had no idea I had been so terrible to her, a lot of which I couldn't remember even doing.
I started having anxiety attacks every day for 2 weeks, a week after I stopped taking MDMA. I was panicking about losing Girl A, someone who I realised I care about deeply. As a result of my panicking, she got scared and felt she was bad for me and decided we had to end things. I was struggling to cope with any emotion I had, often driving me towards doing things that I wouldn't otherwise do. I was in complete despair most of the time, if not I was completely empty. I got diagnosed with depression again and stuck on Mirtazapine, first on a 15mg dose, now on a 30mg.
It's been 3 months now and whilst I feel a little bit more in control of myself, I still find days where I am just in complete despair. I find myself getting incredibly lonely. I have been seeing a Psychiatrist and a counsellor and they are trying to help me tackle things with CBT. Girl A has repeatedly tried to establish a friendship with me (she still loves me and cares about me, misses me in her life) but because I am heartbroken and she is with another guy, I find it too difficult to cope with how I feel. Just her talking to me on the phone can set me off into misery, sometimes driving me to do hurtful things. I fell desperate a lot of the time, often with a lot of self doubt, lack of motivation, completely withdrawn. I sometimes have suicidal thoughts.
The thing that is worrying me though is I seem unable to pick myself up at all currently. I can have one good day maybe and then the next day or even a couple of hours later I will feel completely dead inside, feeling like I want to just give up, fed up of feeling pain. The only thing that is stopping me is not wanting to upset people who care about me, and also because I'm curious to see if life does get better in the future for me. I'm also worried that I might have BPD, or something that my psychiatrist and doctor haven't noticed. I seem completely unable to empathise with how people might feel currently. Sometimes I have also been worried that I'm one screw loose from being a mass murderer or something. My concept on what is right and what is wrong seems to have become distorted.
Is there anyone who has gone through similar experiences able to share their thoughts on this with me please? I'm seriously quite worried and desperate at the moment and any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I'm going through a hard time currently and I am worried that my drug taking has damaged me mentally. I'm looking to hear from people who have shared experiences (with hopefully good news). I am quite desperate now.
A bit of a basic background before I started taking MDMA:
-I was generally a quiet, reserved guy most of the time. With people I felt comfortable with I would sometimes come out of my shell a lot and be very cheerful, other times I would close in on myself, being observant and in my own head rather than engaged in the conversation / activity.
-I was diagnosed with depression when I was 18/19 after a messy split with a girlfriend who was cheating on me, combined with me losing almost all of my friends. I have attempted suicide on a couple of occasions.
-In order to try and cope with how I felt, I became addicted to online gaming for over 2 years. Whilst I was at university, I struggled to be able to communicate with people and felt like I was nobody's friend, often just 'that weird guy' who hangs about. I did make a couple of friends but if I wasn't extremely close to them, I would feel too distant and often abandon the friendship. Sometimes I get paranoid about certain tension or hostility arising which would then cause me to make it so.
-I often felt and still do feel incredibly lonely and depressed. Even if I have just seen friends recently.
-I have an addictive personality. I fixate on one thing as easily as a hawk does it's prey. Gaming, guitar, certain foods, seats, journeys, cigarettes, and more are all common things that I have became addicted to at one point or another. I create rituals around my life in which I will repeatedly do things and if I break from that ritual it can make me feel uneasy, even make me avoid the situation entirely.
I started taking MDMA back in February 2014 (aside from a couple of occasions where the dosage was so small I felt no affect). I had gone out clubbing with a friend and we ended up going to an afterparty at which I took MDMA. I loved it. It completely broke me out of my shell that would normally prevent me from interacting with strangers that well. I fell in love with the world for the first time and completely didn't realise I had pulled (she was disappointed!).
I loved the drug so much and I wanted more.
The issue is that I have a hugely addictive personality and I loved the stuff way too much. It made me who I wanted to be (or at least I thought it did) and so I figured out how to get it, and then figured out how to get it cheap. In bulk. By May I was snorting up to 3 grams in a weekend every weekend to myself. The point I would try and reach and sustain every time is the point where the lights start flickering (I called it the strobe affect), I would lose my sense of self almost and feel almost like I was barely conscious.
Further into the year the year I sometimes took 4 grams to myself. The affects of my highs led me to lose sense of reality. Sometimes I would start talking to people as if I was at work, telling them to do things or that I was doing things that I would normally do at work (much to their confusement). Sometimes I would lose consciousness entirely. Towards the end of my use of MDMA, I was hallucinating whilst high, often seeing faces distort. One time in particular I was standing at the loo unsuccessfully trying to urinate, only to see a shadow where my urine would have been, and then to see what I thought was liquid metal pouring into the bowl (nothing there).
I never really felt what people called a 'downer' after taking. I used to get brain zaps a lot though and often have concentration issues. The thing that did happen though is I lost touch with how I actually felt. I often didn't know if I was happy, sad, or anything really. I also couldn't make sense of how I felt about other people, in particular women I was involved with. I was still trying to sleep with an ex (consensual!) but also couldn't figure out if I liked a girl (girl A) I had met in May/June. One day I would find girl A's company great, only to all of a sudden feeling claustrophobic and smothered, often saying nasty things that I didn't mean as a result. I would either treat her like a queen, or treat her as if she was a diseased animal that had just ran into my house.
The reason I stopped taking MDMA (October) was because Girl A met someone else and told me whilst she does love me and care about me, she couldn't be with me. I looked back at texts I had sent, listened to her story on events between us, and I felt disgusted. I had no idea I had been so terrible to her, a lot of which I couldn't remember even doing.
I started having anxiety attacks every day for 2 weeks, a week after I stopped taking MDMA. I was panicking about losing Girl A, someone who I realised I care about deeply. As a result of my panicking, she got scared and felt she was bad for me and decided we had to end things. I was struggling to cope with any emotion I had, often driving me towards doing things that I wouldn't otherwise do. I was in complete despair most of the time, if not I was completely empty. I got diagnosed with depression again and stuck on Mirtazapine, first on a 15mg dose, now on a 30mg.
It's been 3 months now and whilst I feel a little bit more in control of myself, I still find days where I am just in complete despair. I find myself getting incredibly lonely. I have been seeing a Psychiatrist and a counsellor and they are trying to help me tackle things with CBT. Girl A has repeatedly tried to establish a friendship with me (she still loves me and cares about me, misses me in her life) but because I am heartbroken and she is with another guy, I find it too difficult to cope with how I feel. Just her talking to me on the phone can set me off into misery, sometimes driving me to do hurtful things. I fell desperate a lot of the time, often with a lot of self doubt, lack of motivation, completely withdrawn. I sometimes have suicidal thoughts.
The thing that is worrying me though is I seem unable to pick myself up at all currently. I can have one good day maybe and then the next day or even a couple of hours later I will feel completely dead inside, feeling like I want to just give up, fed up of feeling pain. The only thing that is stopping me is not wanting to upset people who care about me, and also because I'm curious to see if life does get better in the future for me. I'm also worried that I might have BPD, or something that my psychiatrist and doctor haven't noticed. I seem completely unable to empathise with how people might feel currently. Sometimes I have also been worried that I'm one screw loose from being a mass murderer or something. My concept on what is right and what is wrong seems to have become distorted.
Is there anyone who has gone through similar experiences able to share their thoughts on this with me please? I'm seriously quite worried and desperate at the moment and any advice would be greatly appreciated.
