May as well be dead

[jayjaysleepyhead]

Hi people, this may be one of my last posts as ive really had enough. I feel morbid every day I cant seem to get the correct support as I know I dont feel normal and most of all my lonely isolated life is killing me. My day consists of getting up at 4pm and very unwantingly having to go get my daily pick up of methadone and 1x10mg of diazepam. Its so depressing I put the tv on or go on the net, do nothing but sit and stare or type into screens.
I dont blame the weather as I was like this last summer. Every day its about how can I get this day over with as quickly as possible, I do believe lonliness and isolation can cause mental health issues. Ive definetely detiorated in every aspect of my l life, hygiene and cooking were the main 2 things that I had always been big on ,now I just dont see the point, I,mean,shower or bathe for what , cook nice meals no thanx doesnt appeal to me now ,i feel like a 65 to 75 yr old man in a 44 yr old body . Ive not cut my hair for over 6 months a world record for me . Finally what ive written on this post I need to get in writing from a proffesional to give to pip which is a sort of benefit u get if ur disabled or suffer from mental health which affect ur day to day living like me so any wisdom would be welcome.

 

[johnnypotsmoker198]

Hi people, this may be one of my last posts as ive really had enough. I feel morbid every day I cant seem to get the correct support as I know I dont feel normal and most of all my lonely isolated life is killing me. My day consists of getting up at 4pm and very unwantingly having to go get my daily pick up of methadone and 1x10mg of diazepam. Its so depressing I put the tv on or go on the net, do nothing but sit and stare or type into screens.
I dont blame the weather as I was like this last summer. Every day its about how can I get this day over with as quickly as possible, I do believe lonliness and isolation can cause mental health issues. Ive definetely detiorated in every aspect of my l life, hygiene and cooking were the main 2 things that I had always been big on ,now I just dont see the point, I,mean,shower or bathe for what , cook nice meals no thanx doesnt appeal to me now ,i feel like a 65 to 75 yr old man in a 44 yr old body . Ive not cut my hair for over 6 months a world record for me . Finally what ive written on this post I need to get in writing from a proffesional to give to pip which is a sort of benefit u get if ur disabled or suffer from mental health which affect ur day to day living like me so any wisdom would be welcome.

Have you thought about doing a stay in your local mental facility? They can detox you off the methadone with benzos or suboxone and address your depression.

It maybe worth the visit to speak with others who are feeling the same as you. Perhaps just need someone to open up to.

Do you have health insurance? The visit should be covered if so.

 

[Burnt Offerings]

Have you tried liberating yourself from your chemical shackles yet? You say that you take methadone and diazepam regularly. If you take those drugs long enough your overall mood/headspace is going to become effected, both when you're under the influence of the drug and when you're not...

I don't know. I guess my main point here is that when you exist in a continual pattern of substance use, your perspective can get really negative...the things that may have led to a habit still exist, only now they've gotten exacerbated because of all the opioids and tranquilizers. Might be time for a break in order to clear your head a bit. Easier said than done I know.

 

[speedballs_over]

Please seek help, or human or animal company... I just found out an hour ago i lost a very close friend to suicide. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Please think about it in a different light, what if things were different? Could you work to move towards that image? I wish my buddy did.

[Rest well my dear buddy Clint. Never again shall we dance to the same music. You broke my heart motherfucker!]

OP, it really hurts to loose people this way. You'll devastate lives and give up all potential for a better tomorrow. I'm 48 on bupe, valium and other meds. Valium can exacerbate depression. Maybe a switch to clonazepam is in order? This is my third loss like this,, it doesn't get easier.

Please don't give up.

 

[jayjaysleepyhead]

Im trying mate, and believe me im not looking for sympathy thats my head telling me that. Suicide just seems like the easy way out give someone who wants a life the c
hance ,never did I think at 44 would I be addicted to meth(liq) and valium and have literally no fight in me and been to prisons rehabs dettoxes, thanx for ur support folks

 

[starting_over]

On the days I feel like killing myself, I try to wait 3 days. If there's even a little bit of hope / optimism in those 3 days, the counter resets. I'm still alive for now.

Try something small like cutting your hair and taking a hot shower.

 

[GalaxyNinja66]

Get a haircut, breathe some fresh air, talk to REAL people, SMILE. I know it sounds phoned in but even if it's forced it helps.

 

[GalaxyNinja66]

On the days I feel like killing myself, I try to wait 3 days. If there's even a little bit of hope / optimism in those 3 days, the counter resets. I'm still alive for now.

Try something small like cutting your hair and taking a hot shower.

It's the little things man...

 

[jayjaysleepyhead]

Worst thing was I just blew over £1500 on drugs, associates who I never see unless they smell cash, I did buy some winter clothez but I basically wasted it on class A,s and benzos. Plus my mood swing never changed I just got high and paranoid and closer to a heart attack, its a sad state of affairs guys I usef to be the life and soul of engagements until heroin took over me and my soul ,i hid lost all my real friends and family ,my dad wont talk to me until I get off my meds ,i live alone in a shitty little, rented flat which the goverment pays for £800 per month . I dont want to and cant seem to get anything done. Its crazy how my mind just switches like every minute, im alive for how long I dont know but thanx again and I been on valium for 25 yrs to answer some questions

 

[Burnt Offerings]

Why don't you try something different then?

 

[jayjaysleepyhead]

Maybe elaborate a bit ( burnt) please I need ideas my friend

 

[jayjaysleepyhead]

Hi again its the man who is lost , i jumped a step this weekend and yes it was backward, of course its my brain saying its weekend u got ur meds u can stay in its cold, raining etc, every f...ing newgative I could find so I boffed 300 of serequel and stayed in bed all weekend when I could and should av at least went walking to get some air and exercise,but no I chose to take the option of being bedridden. Now that im awake im so god dam angry with myself and the mess I call my life, look folks this probably to a stranger,sounds like a person looking for sympathy but honestly this site is the only way I can express my real feelings as im far too embarressed to tell anyone that is close to me and even thats partly bull...t as ive lost everyone either in tragic accidents or just plain old death, and im left with a father who does not have a clue or wants to . Im lost in this place we call earth, ever since I turned 40 my life has detiorated and im a shell of myself, I dont particuarly care if no one replies to my blog as it may sound to people that I want sympathy. I dont I just need to express how im feeling , and thats all it gets it out of my crazy head just merely writing it down.

 

[starting_over]

It always feels good to tell someone about what's on your mind, even if it's on an internet forum.

Have you tried the haircut and shower?

 

[jayjaysleepyhead]

Had the shower its a bit cold in good old uk for a haircut , its more beenie hats and hoodies so whats ur story, pm me if ur a private person or tell me too f... Off for being nosey . Ran out of serequel now got option to buy it but wont just get a few klonopin maybe a few hillbilly heroin oxys. So yes id like to maybe talk more and be very interested in ur story ,my friend peace out bro.

 

[Whosajiggawaaa]

Get a haircut, breathe some fresh air, talk to REAL people, SMILE. I know it sounds phoned in but even if it's forced it helps.

this. I know your feels though OPIE. also on mdone. but i chill with people everyday. helps me get out of my head. if i isolate i just fester. and see life from a very warped perspective.

start with NA meetings. free hugs ? people are accepting....

 

[starting_over]

Hey jay,

Good to hear you're doing small things for yourself -- baby steps.

My story isn't anything special compared to some of the folks here but I developed a mild oxy habit, from 20mg once a week to 3-4x/week at 30mg, always combined with alcohol. I didn't like the feeling of oxy without alcohol, it always felt like something was missing... and the alcohol gave the loose body buzz feeling that I was looking for.

Of course I said I would never go above 20mg, and never more than once or twice a week... we all know where that leads. I got some good advice from some folks on this site (when I posted under another username, the password I've forgotten) -- and took it to heart. I'm forever indebted to the people who gave me advice.

I didn't have any physical w/d's, but struggle with mental cravings almost every single day. I had terrible depression the first 2-3 months after quitting, but told myself to focus on other things. Eventually I got a job far enough away from my hometown and my oxy connect was gone.

A few years ago, I would just do just about any drug that came by way due to my depression... and wanting for new experiences. I even had a calendar that kept track of what days I took substance z + the amount, for the sake of 'harm reduction.' Upon reflection, all it did was encourage me to take drugs. Benzos and alcohol led to self harm, I managed to abuse mdma and got brain zaps, etc.

Last May, I snorted hydromorph contin after 1.5 years (?) off opiates, and ended up irritating my lungs. I had a really hard time breathing, and ended up checking myself into hospital. Haven't touched that stuff since, only opiate would be (weak) codeine after a tooth extraction. As crazy as it sounds, I still crave hydromorph contin. All the oxy here is now fake fentanyl.

I also have chronic lower back pain and depression which makes me crave opiates even more. I have lots of other health problems, and life sort of sucks right now... I'm 26. I try to stay optimistic, as difficult as it is. Suicide seems like a decent option sometimes, all it would take is some fentanyl / carfentanil that's been going around + alcohol... but I'm trying to keep things together for now.

What's your story?

 

[jayjaysleepyhead]

For a start u are much younger than me and at 26 I still hadnt tried heroin , diazepam and temazepam were my drugs I abused the hell out of both in my 20s and early 30,s then came the smak quickly followed by crack, over here in uk these two drugs go hand in hand,is it same in states im guessing thats where ur from so after a lot of crime and a few prison sentences I decided to stick to methadone and dettox my benzo,so today im on just 1 10mg of valium(nothing really) and 40ml.of liquid meth so bloody easy to obtain for free off nhs here, they throw it at ya, also I do still use once or twice a fortnight it used to be every day but I had to steal from shops to feed my habit, I was also injecting at the time every day so u can picture the mess I was in , I sufer now from paranoia I dont go out and have very bad depression tried to cowardly end it all last year took 36mg of klonopin and had a massive snowball but it wasnt my time I still can be stupid on paydays but thats it I dont chase much anymore it sort of comes to me now if and when I feel like it, its becoming less and less as I wanna get clean but im not enjoying my life at mo coming off drugs is hard now meds too mate. I will post more stay in touch om always floating about and im 44 see how drugs take away your years I should be married with children and job and all but I chose drugs.

 

[jayjaysleepyhead]

Oh yes before I go as got some cash so am needing a lift and yes im afraid its tabs wont elaborate or make it sound like im glamorising as theres nowt to f..in glamorise I just need to lose myself for a day all I smell is my sweat and I live in the dark with a lamp am a newage vampire, really need to just feel different and get off my dettox for a day so yes im lapsing today pre planned, but deserved im going through hell and to answer in england we dont smile its not allowed.

 

[jayjaysleepyhead]

Hi folks how ya all doing just reading my last post was a wee bit extreme, I was not in a good place at all, and did get extremely high on opiates and crack, a proper lapse for a day ,took loads of oxycodone which done nothing a few lyrica okish, topped up with loads of crack, I started bloody hallucinating I really thought a certain person on tv was talking to me and giving me orders, dont know if I should tell a proffesional as ive been ok since that drug induced day, so apoligies to anyone on this post , im doing ok still not been out I realise I got so much anger and hate for this world thsts why I stay in as I feel I could be potentially dangerous to others, im down to 10mg of diazepam and am now tapering off 40ml of meth on 37 now, wanna get to 20 then see how I feel on both and decide which one to taper . Serequel ive cut down to 75mg once at night too,.so hows my man starting over doing?

 

[Reaver99]

Noticed your thread over in EADD just wanted to throw in a bit of support. Recovery is full of fucking cliche's and if your naturally a bit of a cynic like me it can get fucking cringey. But honestly you are doing a very important thing, its important not to underestimate how crucial it was for you to take that first step and to not let the fact you had a bit of a lapse get in your way. Honestly for the first couple of months of me getting sorted i was just in autopilot mode, it was literally the only option for me. I was facing jail, cudn't deal with a sentence in the state I was. After a while you really start to appreciate the little things in life, I had moved so I started going for walks and that, it was also the summer so I was getting up and going straight in the back garden and just enjoying the feel of the sun on my face. It definetly can be done and I'm sure you'l agree that living a half existence with only drugs to look foward to eventually becomes no ones idea of a good time. Keep your head up lad, and for what its worth I'd probably do the methadone first so you can keep the Diaz to keep you on a level head through the meth withdrawal. Your in london aswell mate, maybe set a small goal of visiting different places across london and having a bit of a walk about there, keep your mind off things
Edit- Definetly empthaise with the anger shit, what really helped for me was engaging with professionals. I feel like long-term drug use can tie your thought processes up in knots and long-term issuess jst get all wrapped in neuroses and self hate that a trained professional can really help you untangle. Plus the gradual process of working with them can really make you feel better about yourself as you decrease your dosages, and work on yourself your slowly becoming a better person.