Massive introvert just looking for some company

[riper33]

I've currently been living in this city near the American capital for 8 months now. I have no friends here. I'm not bored out of my mind or anything, but lately I've been feeling that this basic human need to be social is not being satisfied. If I do end up being more social, I'd most probably not enjoy unless I find someone highly compatible. I still feel like trying though.

Anyway, before you guys advice me on how I can go about looking for someone, you'll need to know a bit about me and what I'm looking for. I'm male, early 20s.

I'd prefer any fun company right now, but I'm more inclined towards a female. I don't want someone to fuck. Just someone to spend some time with. I say female because all my friends so far have been males. It's not like I was ever shy or uncomfortable of talking to girls in particular. It was the same with anyone I didn't know. I barely initiated conversations with people. Also I was in an all boys school till 11th grade and never went out of my way to make friends not in my school. Even the ones from school just became friends. I never really made any friends. I don't know how to. So, no girls had any reason to become friends with me (I'm in no way striking and don't stand out as having any attractive qualities. I don't even talk, right?), and I had no special interest in having a girl as a friend either.

So, why now you ask? Well, eating a lot of psychedelics over the past few months has raised interesting questions to myself. The most important being, am I asexual? The "no special interest in having a girl as a friend" sounds odd, doesn't it? And I know it's not just a yes or no question, but I'd like to know how far up the asexual scale I am. I have never seen a girl and thought "Damn, I'd like to have sex with this female". On the other hand I masturbate to mild porn everyday. I was once trying it out on LSD and I got caught up in a deep dilemma about why it is I masturbate at all. The only answer I get is that it's my daily dose of dopamine. Seeing people have sex or thinking about that fires mirror neurons in my brain which give me pleasure similar to having sex. But the actual act of having sex still kinda repulses me. Obviously that session did not end in orgasm.

Anyway, I won't know how asexual I am, unless I get to know a girl really well. I'll need to spend a lot of time with her and build some happy memories before I stop feeling uncomfortable even talking to her. Sexual desire is out of the question till then. And this is main reason I want to have a girl as a friend. To get to know myself. Of course it will also be a pretty welcome change from hanging out with guys and I would be glad to have anyone at all I can share the current phase of my life with. Pretty sure I'm not going to find someone who does not want to fuck but just hang out with me doing... um... I have no fucking clue what. Drugs mostly I suppose. And hiking. No money for any more activities including eating at not-the-cheapest restaurants. All I have to offer is conversation which I will still be figuring out how to make and psychedelics which I really would love to share with someone.

The only way I see this happening is through some form of online dating (there's no way in hell I'm walking up and talking to someone irl). All my colleagues are married with children and college is 50 miles away. Also there aren't any female students doing a masters in electrical engineering and I never felt like being friends with any of the guys there. Is using one of those stupid (imo, so far) apps or sites really the only option? I'm not a fan of that (I don't know why) and will need some compelling arguments if it is indeed suited for this situation. If not, is there any other hope? I don't mind accepting myself as asexual and living life alone doing something I enjoy, but it'd be nice to know for sure. I don't want to miss out on anything just because of flaws in my personality. I haven't been able to figure out how society works, so any help is appreciated.

 

[Grinders Kiefers]

The last paragraph makes it sound like you have a defeatist attitude towards making friends or forming relationships. Dating apps can help you find partners or friends, but either way, you're going to have to step outside of your comfort zone. Not everyone you meet has to be a romantic partner or best friend, some people are just acquaintances who share a few mutual interests but aren't someone you feel a strong connection towards, and that's okay too. One thing is for sure, you're not going to meet people and find what you want if you don't put yourself out there.

 

[riper33]

The last paragraph makes it sound like you have a defeatist attitude towards making friends or forming relationships. Dating apps can help you find partners or friends, but either way, you're going to have to step outside of your comfort zone. Not everyone you meet has to be a romantic partner or best friend, some people are just acquaintances who share a few mutual interests but aren't someone you feel a strong connection towards, and that's okay too. One thing is for sure, you're not going to meet people and find what you want if you don't put yourself out there.

So it's basically down to whether I'm more comfortable trying to get out there or staying the way I am right now. I'm inclined to think it's the later, because it's worked out pretty well for me so far. Even when I take the opportunity to spend some time with people as acquaintances (my housemates), I don't really enjoy it. It's just something different and that's why I appreciate it I guess. I'm confused myself.

Well you've said you only enjoy being social if you find someone highly compatible, so what would it take? In any case, you're probably better off being alone than making friends just for the sake of having friends because then you're likely to fall into the trap of settling for their standards.

Also I can somewhat relate to what you're saying about asexuality. It's a bit weird, like I'll never see a girl and think to myself "OMG! I want to come inside her," even though that's the most common way of thinking among guys. For me it's a bit like art - if I see someone I like, it's because I like the way they are designed and because I like the energy they radiate. And like you I masturbate pretty regularly, with porn and everything. I just don't feel inclined to externalize the way I satisfy my hormonal impulses into the way I view and interact with others irl.

Anyway, maybe meeting new people is not a bad idea. I've heard of some pretty funny stories about those matching/dating apps from friends, although I've never actually used any of them myself. Try it out if you want, but stay safe.

I think I agree with your first statement. As I said above, it's not really fun unless it's special in some way. And as far as dating shit goes, I've just given up the idea. I don't want to deal with all that shit at all. This post just helped me clear my head a bit.

 

[malakaix]

So, why now you ask? Well, eating a lot of psychedelics over the past few months has raised interesting questions to myself. The most important being, am I asexual?

I would not read too much into this. If you have never had sex then there's no experience to draw from, psychedelics (particularly LSD) will naturally attempt to rationalize this and the conclusion is often asexuality. I went through this whole thought process when I was around your age with psychedelics.

In my own experience you have a couple of options: a) You find a scene of people interested in psychedelics and meet women through that (This is what I did, but it involved putting myself out there - parties, social gatherings, etc in order to find those people.). b) You can use an online dating website or app. I've only used it for the intention of getting laid rather then seeking out a relationship/friendship so I cant comment much on it's viability in your situation. c) You meet people through work/study.. you don't necessarily have to get along with those people but allow them to invite you out to places where there's potential to meet new people. This at least provides a degree of comfort in being with familiar people while attempting to meet new people.

 

[riper33]

I would not read too much into this. If you have never had sex then there's no experience to draw from, psychedelics (particularly LSD) will naturally attempt to rationalize this and the conclusion is often asexuality. I went through this whole thought process when I was around your age with psychedelics.

I wonder about asexuality because I have no real desire to have sex. I find that weird. It's not about having experience to draw from at all. I don't know if I have any desire to have that experience in the first place. I've been wondering about this since before I did psychs. They just brought it back in the limelight.

 

[alpha_centauri]

Do you have social anxiety? Have you ever talked about any of this stuff with a professional counselor or therapist before? It may be helpful to you.

Do you go out anywhere besides work, or to run errands? Or have you tried meeting people and making friends?

 

[riper33]

I do have social anxiety, but it doesn't really bother me. I've always had wonderful friends and family around. I don't think I need to talk to therapist either. I don't have any reason to.

I do other stuff. I go to college and do my own research so it's not like I don't talk to anyone at all. I also stay in touch with friends back home. I think my post doesn't really convey what I'm trying to say. I feel sort of an emptiness around me right now. It would be great to have some person fill that, but I find myself unwilling to make any effort towards that.