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Marriage going down hill

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ScoobySnax30

Greenlighter
Joined
Nov 28, 2015
Messages
49
I am 31 years old and I have Been married for 5 years. We have a 3 year old daughter and a son on the way. Me and my wife first had problems about 2 years ago and decided to go to counseling a few times but It didn't really help much. Since then It has been a constant battle in my mind. At the time, Whether I liked it or not , I would convince myself that for the sake of my daughter I was not going anywhere. I convinced myself that this was my life. therefore I was on board with having another child after a few months of going back And forth with it. Things have gotten worse in recent months. I'm at the point where I am very unhappy but I fear the pain it will cause
My family if I left. Now I'm at this crossroad where I'm soo unhappy but my kids mean the world to me and I do not want to hurt them. My wife is constantly asking if things are ok with us, If I'm still attracted to her, etc. our sex life sucks but that is mainly my fault. She would do anything for me in that department but I just don't want it. Sex is not the only issue. I feel like I'm to young to be this unhappy and to Continue this for another 20 years. I know the first response will be "why did you have another child?". Again, It was a constant battle with myself. I talked myself into staying and I believed it. Kids make this sort of thing so much worse.

Don't know what to do in Ohio
 
I think you should try therapy, solo. You sounds depressed.... and may have personal issues that you should try to deal with on your own.
 
What is the actual problem? No marriage is all rainbows and unicorns. I've been married now for 17 years. There is something causing you pain in the relationship, what is it?
 
Firstly, I wouldn't suggest giving up on your marriage just yet. You are coming across like you may be suffering with depression.

The symptoms of depression differ from person to person. You may be experiencing feeling sad, low or irritable all of the time. You may want to withdraw from life or you may become aware that you're not handling things as well as you used to.

These are just some of the symptoms that you may have if you're suffering from depression:
socialising less and avoiding friends
change in appetite (usually eating less)
unexplained aches and pains
feeling anxious or worried
not doing well at work
lack of interest in sex
lack of energy
sleep problems.

In this instance, I would advise you to see your doctor, to discuss your options.

If that or possible medication does not work, I would suggest trying marriage councelling one more time and if you still have no luck, then it may be time for you to finally move on and be honest with your family.

Staying in an unhappy relationship just for the sake of children is more damaging than if you were to leave.

If you need any further advice, please do not hesitate to PM me.

Good luck x
 
Thank you for all of the replies. Sorry if I missed some things, I was typing that at 2am last night. I feel horrible saying it but I am not in love anymore. I care about her but I am not deeply in love. The physical attraction is not there. for example in the car I will purposely drive with 2 hands on the wheel so we don't hold hands. It's little things like that that make up the big picture. We don't communicate well (mainly my fault). when she wants to have sex ,'I always come up with a reason why we shouldn't. We don't cuddle. As crazy as it sounds I would rather take care of myself. She has to know something is up because she is constantly asking what's wrong. it's been like this for about 2 years. For the record , I have never been unfaithful. Did I mention I am an addict? It has gotten more out of control in the past few years.
There is also some family issues. She has a negative impact on family relationships. There is always drama, always some BS going on within the family that usually surrounds her. I know all of these may not sound like big problems but it's all snowballed into one.
 
oh yeah well if someones behaviour becomes unpleasant drama wise the love that made you think they were hot can fade.

sounds like you just aren't into her.

savage.

what is your drug problem?

may be playin a huge role that you cant see yourself...
 
pofacedhoe said:
oh yeah well if someones behaviour becomes unpleasant drama wise the love that made you think they were hot can fade.

sounds like you just aren't into her.

savage.

what is your drug problem?

may be playin a huge role that you cant see yourself...
Click to expand...

i really think I am not that into her anymore but early in our relationship It wasn't always like that. I have to be honest here but I feel like I settled. I always had low self esteem but it is something I'm working on. I'm not here to blame everything on her because I am certainly part of the problem. I just feel like between the attraction issues (which is huge) and the drama issues its a big turn off. I also feel that she deserves a lot better than me. I'm very nice to her but I'm not loving towards her and I never compliment her. She does deserve better then me.

i have an opiate addiction. It Started about 7-8 years ago and has gotten worse over the last 2 years. It was one of those things where I felt unhappy but when I was using it made those feelings disappear and I could put on a happy face and move on. I know it was never helping but it was how I learned to deal with the issues I had without actually dealing with them.

I want to thank everyone for the replies. I have been trolling BL for a year or two now and I figured I would make an account to get his off of my chest. I am having a tough time talking to people about this so this has been a great outlet for me.
 
Coincidental that you've been having problems that started around 2 years ago and your opiate addiction worsened 2 years ago?

Probably not. Coming from an opiate addict who has used on and off for the past 22 years (currently about a year and a half clean), opiate addiction doesn't leave you time for a real relationship. Your lover, your best friend, your constant companion is going to be that opiate. It's almost impossible to give yourself to another person when you're in love with opiates.

Opiates also take away your sex drive--very common. Depression due to a habit is common (guilt due to using and having kids--big one). Being sick (withdrawal) when you don't have opiates makes one depressed. And unable to function.

First--got to get off the opiates.
Second--going to take some clean time just to find yourself again and let your emotions level out. Might take months.
Third--once you are healthy and can love yourself, that's when you should re-evaluate whether or not you want to be part of this family

Opiates make you want to shut yourself off, sometimes you just wanna pull away so you can be more self destructive. Sometimes it's just the depressive and isolation that goes with using

I don't think you can truly decide about love until your brain is functioning without a chemical alteration

Happiness is something you must find within. Other people can only enhance it, not create it for you
 
^ Mhmm, I agree. The opiates are concerning to me as well. Can you go into more detail about your addiction?

I think maybe space from your life right now will be good for you and see a therapist. It could be addiction issues or could just be general depression. If you need space from your family, then by all means, take it. But use that time to get help and figure out what's wrong.. don't just get away and get high because that's not going to solve anything.
 
Man, I know exactly how you feel. Some of what you said mirrors the issues I am currently having, so I may not be the best source of advice, but going to offer a bit anyway as someone empathetic to your situation through experience.

The opiate issue. Yes it would be good to stop, yes they can lower your sex drive, cause depression and every other thing said. And I have no doubt every reply was made with best intentions, I know they are not the underlying issue in why you feel the way you do. I have used opiates for nearly my whole marriage and long before that. A few years ago I tried to quit and did so for over a year. But the problems betweem my wife and me did not magically improve. There is something deeper involved which I cannot do justice to as it is irrational but blaming the drugs seems easiest but ultimately is useless, perhaps even harmful.

Let me be clear here. If your opiate use is the factor causing all this, of course you need to address the issue. But I am getting from you, and is my own experience, that these feelings (or lack thereof) would be there if you never touched a drug in your life. This is what is the crux of your marrital problems and only figuring out the reasons behind them will there be any hope. Drugs, depression, even the kids (although that issue is really difficult and I have none so wont even attempt to tell you how to deal with it) are not the cause of nor the solution to problems that will not go away if all of those things were taken out of the picture.

What to do? I have no idea as I havent worked it out myself. But if you think or want to salvage this marriage, try everything. If you need to get sober, work on yourself first, have your wife do the same, so you both can start of knowing each one of you a best prepared to tackle your marriage problems, by all means do it. But even though I have been rather vague, I get it. Relationships are more than the sums of two parts and carry with them issues entirely separate from the individuals mental well-being. If I can provide any more tips I figure out as I begin my journey down this road, I will try to let you know. Good luck and be strong. Marriage isnt who you are so you and I both need to keep remembering this thought. It will eat us both alive if we allow or marriages to be the defining role in our self-identities.
 
crzydiamond said:
Coincidental that you've been having problems that started around 2 years ago and your opiate addiction worsened 2 years ago?

Probably not. Coming from an opiate addict who has used on and off for the past 22 years (currently about a year and a half clean), opiate addiction doesn't leave you time for a real relationship. Your lover, your best friend, your constant companion is going to be that opiate. It's almost impossible to give yourself to another person when you're in love with opiates.

Opiates also take away your sex drive--very common. Depression due to a habit is common (guilt due to using and having kids--big one). Being sick (withdrawal) when you don't have opiates makes one depressed. And unable to function.

First--got to get off the opiates.
Second--going to take some clean time just to find yourself again and let your emotions level out. Might take months.
Third--once you are healthy and can love yourself, that's when you should re-evaluate whether or not you want to be part of this family

Opiates make you want to shut yourself off, sometimes you just wanna pull away so you can be more self destructive. Sometimes it's just the depressive and isolation that goes with using

I don't think you can truly decide about love until your brain is functioning without a chemical alteration

Happiness is something you must find within. Other people can only enhance it, not create it for you
Click to expand...

I could be wrong but maybe I use more opiates because I am so unhappy. I agree they may not be helping but When things started going down hill that is what I turned to. Even now that things are really bad I'm using a little more. It is not a good way to cope with problems but unfortunately that's what I'm doing. I turn down sex because of the attraction issues, not because my sex drive is gone. I definitely agree with things you are saying and I should get off of the opiates but I honestly think that will not change how I feel about this situation. drugs can cause a lot of problems but I'm not sure they are the reason behind the lack of physical attraction.
 
Pretty_Diamonds said:
^ Mhmm, I agree. The opiates are concerning to me as well. Can you go into more detail about your addiction?

I think maybe space from your life right now will be good for you and see a therapist. It could be addiction issues or could just be general depression. If you need space from your family, then by all means, take it. But use that time to get help and figure out what's wrong.. don't just get away and get high because that's not going to solve anything.[/QUOTE

i started using opiates about 7 years ago. I would take 30mg a day from Wednesday-Saturday and then not take them On the other days. this setup worked for me for a long time but then I started adding another day here and there. After awhile I was using 40mg everyday and As time went on I increased my dosage. 2 years ago I reached 100-120 Mg per day and right now I am around 150-170mg per day.
Click to expand...
 
U are goin to have to choose one day..opiates or a normal family life...u can't have both.. the timeline of opiate addiction is different for everyone but it all ends the same..my advice is get a therapist ,work on your addiction and then make a decision about your marriage

opiates could be causing the dullness in your relationship..it will numb the love and any other emotion u feel for your partner..
 
Giving advice to someone regarding their relationship, especially something as important as marriage, is IMO one of the most ungrateful, uncomfortable things one can do. Its horrible to be the one to break a home. That said, firstly, my parents fought A LOT. Lots of my friends parents fought a lot. And I can say without a doubt that two happy separated parents are better than two parents that are together and are fighting all the time. Staying together for kids is just not the right reason. Kids feel all that. The energy in the air, the attitudes, often blame themselves even if theyre not consciously aware of it. But that shoud not be the reason now to cop out. One should do everything to keep the family together if its possible. You must be aware that physical attraction, the initial romatic affaction, infatuation passes. With everyone, always. We're just build that way, you cannot keep it up forever and have the same person attract you physicaly at the same level for years. But it doesnt mean it goes away. It changes, it can still be awesome but you have to work on it a bit. Its not just you. Spice things up, be playful, work on it and most of it approach it with the right positive attitude because that is everything. Once you start looking for ways out its all downhill. Marriage is compromise.

I think you should look deep to see what is the reason, maybe its as simple as you claim, perhaps its not. It could very likely be that you married a person that is not very right for you (i dont think any person is your soulmate so to speak, there are always compromises but some are better for you than others of course). But you need to think hard on whether youre giving up simply and not even giving it a fair chance (because you will WITHOUT A DOUBT be in this position even with another woman, eventually you find yourself less attracted physically to the person and need to at least a bit work on it) or is it truly a bad match. Id go to maybe another counselor, find a good one.
Most parents fight and have their bad days/months even years. But are very glad later when they realize what they have is not that bad and see how happy they truly are. Realize they have a great partner in life and a family who loves them while their friends for example, decided to pull the plug on the marriage, never married again and now spend the day drinking beer miserably in front of the tv and complaining to you at the bar afterwards how things suck and then you go home to your wife and your warm bad and he to his dog and "wonderful" bachelor life at 60years old.
And opiates are definitely playing a factor. They change you, change the way you feel. I wouldnt really trust my feelings on opiates 100%, I often found myself feeling things that werent much like me and when I was sober was pretty appalled at how I behaved and what I felt. Id take that into consideration.
And id suggest to not focus on the one type of advice someone gives you, the one you prefer most, that presents a way out and block everything else out. Be objective, whats best for you , your family, you kids and think hard what you imagine family life should look like and your relationship with your wife. But be very realistically, not like in the movies, dont idealize. Think whether you want a family, think what you want in life. Read on it a bit perhaps, seek many different advice. This is so cliche, but im gonna put it out nevertheless :), "nothing worth having comes easy" .
good luck man
 
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