Jackeh
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 4, 2012
- Messages
- 692
So, this isn't going to be so much of a trip report as it is a brief description of my life before the LSD and how it helped me. Some people might read this and think I wasn't that bad, and they wouldn't be wrong when comparing me against people who've fallen far deeper into addiction but I can honestly say I had to change something - I was going to spiral downwards further and further.
About 7 years ago I start smoking weed. Before the stoners jump on here, yes I know weed isn't physically addictive. I have the problem with an addictive personalty. Most people can smoke weed without a problem but I just don't know when to stop. It was good for a long time. I started off responsibly enough and for the first year or two I just would have shared a gram or two with a friend at the weekend and it would have been left at that.
As the years started to pass I found myself needing more and more than my friends did. A joint would do them an hour or two, in that hour I would have had up to about 5 or 6. I eventually started to smoke by myself. I didn't see a problem with this - as far as I was aware weed was harmless. I'm someone who comes from a family predisposed to depression and I seemed to be hit by it worse than any relatives in recent memory, not only that but I had severe social anxiety that I'd attempted many separate counseling sessions to solve but all to no result. I started to smoke more and more because I was just sick of sober life. Reality was an experience I was scared to face. I'd been bullied for sectarian religious reasons (even though I'm not religious) because of the area I grew up in and I lived in a really shitty family member for a few years who made my life hell, combine that with my crippling anxiety and depression and weed turned into a wonderful escape but I didn't realise I was using it for that at the time.
It turned into some kind of cycle where I would numb myself as much as possible, spending every minute I was awake close to falling asleep. I never dealt with my problems, and the weed continued making me more and more anxious (I come from a place where we don't get choice in strains - pretty much all high THC) which led to me holing myself away more and just smoking even more to forget about it all.
I started to get obsessed with drugs, taught myself as much as I could. I reasoned that as long as I knew what was going on biology and chemistry wise then I could keep safe. The only problem was I ignored the exact advice I would have given other people if I'd seen them doing what I was doing. I started taking about 600mg MDMA 3 nights a week every week for a few months and taking mephedrone. Again this seemed totally normal to me. The ecstasy was leaving me hallucinating speaking to friends that weren't actually there some nights but I didn't think anything of it. I started taking large amounts of research chemicals that hadn't had their long term effects documented in humans properly.
This went on until about 3 years ago, when I met the girl I was sure was my soul mate. I still do think it but I believe now I've fucked up things too far too ever fix them with her. I never believed I could meet a person like this until I did. She managed to get me off hard drugs for a while but we continued smoking weed. The weed started to affect my mood whenever I wasn't stoned with her, I started getting irritable and anxious, snapping at things that I just totally misunderstood when really there was no reason to be angry. I had a reputation for being a relaxed person before I started smoking so much - it just wasn't like me to be acting like that.
Eventually I started doing cocaine behind her back and lying about it, and then spending all my money on weed and lying about it too even while she could clearly see me stoned in front of her. About 4 months ago it all became too much for her and then she left me. That's when I took another fall.
I remember her still staying in the house and one night she left and I knew I'd be alone for 24 hours (we were broke up at this point but she still needed to stay over until she could move out of the city again). The moment I was alone I took 3 pills that I'd been saving, smoked a few joints, went and made myself a small drink, and then sat down to watch a bit of TV. I blacked out.
About an hour later I woke up in the kitchen and the floor was flooded. I was so confused. I wondered if maybe there was water damage coming from the floor above and sure enough I noticed a dripping coming from the light fixture. I knew it could have been a hallucination so I didn't call the landlord - it would have been easier to sort out in the morning rather than trying to explain in the morning how there wasn't actually any reason to send someone out to fix the roof. I'm glad I didn't call. A couple hours later I woke up again after blacking out and realised that the floor was indeed flooded, but it was alcohol. The first time I blacked out I must have went to the drinks cupboard and started drinking a load of spirits and obviously spilled a lot of it on the floor. This was when I started to finally realise I had a problem.
Over the next few months I started to get a lot worse a lot quicker than I'd ever been before. I had no money left to buy anything for myself because it was all spent on weed and pills. One of my sadder moments was just before I Christmas. I'd bought my dad a very expensive bottle of wine a couple of weeks early so I would definitely have something to give him for Christmas. I couldn't get weed one night and after a brief argument with myself I opened the present and drank the bottle to myself. I promised I would replace it the moment I got paid and I did - but not after buying more for myself and spending most of my money on weed. That Christmas I ended up just getting him some crappy replacement because I couldn't afford the nice present I'd planned.
Skip forward to about a week ago. I'd heard of using LSD for addictions and I'd tried using it before for other problems with depression with smaller doses but had no luck. This time I was determined for it to be different. I bought myself 500ug, but only took 400ug just to be safe (my last experience on LSD was extremely scary and I worried what would have happened if I was to take it again).
I lay in bed and put on some headphones. About half an hour later I started to notice the faint visual cues of a comeup. Another half an hour later I was there, I continued lying down and thinking about what I was doing to myself. I'd always been known as a bit of a stoner but I was starting to turn into an alcoholic and I lost the one girl I'd ever loved like that. The things I'd been doing swirled around my head until something clicked.
I heard the words "Everything that is", and the words and their meaning became fractal in themselves. "Everything that is that is that is that is that is that is that is..." twisting and spiraling on itself, me visualising the thought, and then the thought blew out of the vision of a head I could see. And that thought turned into a world that was cracked down the middle and I realised all it takes to cause disharmony in the world was a single thought, and when I realised that the cracked offset world then shifted back into alignment and I also realised that all it takes is for one right decision to make a monumental change in the world. While this was happening I could physically "feel" my addiction in my body and I could feel myself "pulling" it out of me, struggling and fighting, going on for what felt like hours until it broke free and I felt free.
The moment I tore my addiction out of me I got up and realised I'd been crying, and I continued to cry. I cried for a solid half hour while I went through my phone deleting every dealers number I had and every person who was saved on my phone just in the hope that I'd be able to get drugs if I was stuck some time. It was one of the most freeing and beautiful feelings I've ever felt in my life and I hadn't cried that much in years.
It's currently been about a week since quitting weed and I haven't had any desire to go back. I haven't drank at all by myself, and I've even managed to quit cigarettes 3 or 4 days ago. I know there's always the chance that I could go back but I'm not going to let myself. I'm making the right choice now for the first time in 7 years. I may have already ruined most of my relationships because of it and I'm basically alone now, but I've hopes I can just maybe get the woman I love back now that I've changed - if not then that's my own fault but I won't be going back to my old ways.
So that's my story of how LSD helped me finally beat my addictions and thanks for reading.
Tagged by Xorkoth
substancecode_lsd
substancecode_lysergamides
explevel_experienced
exptype_positive
exptype_glowing
exptype_lifechanging
exptype_addiction
roacode_sublingual
About 7 years ago I start smoking weed. Before the stoners jump on here, yes I know weed isn't physically addictive. I have the problem with an addictive personalty. Most people can smoke weed without a problem but I just don't know when to stop. It was good for a long time. I started off responsibly enough and for the first year or two I just would have shared a gram or two with a friend at the weekend and it would have been left at that.
As the years started to pass I found myself needing more and more than my friends did. A joint would do them an hour or two, in that hour I would have had up to about 5 or 6. I eventually started to smoke by myself. I didn't see a problem with this - as far as I was aware weed was harmless. I'm someone who comes from a family predisposed to depression and I seemed to be hit by it worse than any relatives in recent memory, not only that but I had severe social anxiety that I'd attempted many separate counseling sessions to solve but all to no result. I started to smoke more and more because I was just sick of sober life. Reality was an experience I was scared to face. I'd been bullied for sectarian religious reasons (even though I'm not religious) because of the area I grew up in and I lived in a really shitty family member for a few years who made my life hell, combine that with my crippling anxiety and depression and weed turned into a wonderful escape but I didn't realise I was using it for that at the time.
It turned into some kind of cycle where I would numb myself as much as possible, spending every minute I was awake close to falling asleep. I never dealt with my problems, and the weed continued making me more and more anxious (I come from a place where we don't get choice in strains - pretty much all high THC) which led to me holing myself away more and just smoking even more to forget about it all.
I started to get obsessed with drugs, taught myself as much as I could. I reasoned that as long as I knew what was going on biology and chemistry wise then I could keep safe. The only problem was I ignored the exact advice I would have given other people if I'd seen them doing what I was doing. I started taking about 600mg MDMA 3 nights a week every week for a few months and taking mephedrone. Again this seemed totally normal to me. The ecstasy was leaving me hallucinating speaking to friends that weren't actually there some nights but I didn't think anything of it. I started taking large amounts of research chemicals that hadn't had their long term effects documented in humans properly.
This went on until about 3 years ago, when I met the girl I was sure was my soul mate. I still do think it but I believe now I've fucked up things too far too ever fix them with her. I never believed I could meet a person like this until I did. She managed to get me off hard drugs for a while but we continued smoking weed. The weed started to affect my mood whenever I wasn't stoned with her, I started getting irritable and anxious, snapping at things that I just totally misunderstood when really there was no reason to be angry. I had a reputation for being a relaxed person before I started smoking so much - it just wasn't like me to be acting like that.
Eventually I started doing cocaine behind her back and lying about it, and then spending all my money on weed and lying about it too even while she could clearly see me stoned in front of her. About 4 months ago it all became too much for her and then she left me. That's when I took another fall.
I remember her still staying in the house and one night she left and I knew I'd be alone for 24 hours (we were broke up at this point but she still needed to stay over until she could move out of the city again). The moment I was alone I took 3 pills that I'd been saving, smoked a few joints, went and made myself a small drink, and then sat down to watch a bit of TV. I blacked out.
About an hour later I woke up in the kitchen and the floor was flooded. I was so confused. I wondered if maybe there was water damage coming from the floor above and sure enough I noticed a dripping coming from the light fixture. I knew it could have been a hallucination so I didn't call the landlord - it would have been easier to sort out in the morning rather than trying to explain in the morning how there wasn't actually any reason to send someone out to fix the roof. I'm glad I didn't call. A couple hours later I woke up again after blacking out and realised that the floor was indeed flooded, but it was alcohol. The first time I blacked out I must have went to the drinks cupboard and started drinking a load of spirits and obviously spilled a lot of it on the floor. This was when I started to finally realise I had a problem.
Over the next few months I started to get a lot worse a lot quicker than I'd ever been before. I had no money left to buy anything for myself because it was all spent on weed and pills. One of my sadder moments was just before I Christmas. I'd bought my dad a very expensive bottle of wine a couple of weeks early so I would definitely have something to give him for Christmas. I couldn't get weed one night and after a brief argument with myself I opened the present and drank the bottle to myself. I promised I would replace it the moment I got paid and I did - but not after buying more for myself and spending most of my money on weed. That Christmas I ended up just getting him some crappy replacement because I couldn't afford the nice present I'd planned.
Skip forward to about a week ago. I'd heard of using LSD for addictions and I'd tried using it before for other problems with depression with smaller doses but had no luck. This time I was determined for it to be different. I bought myself 500ug, but only took 400ug just to be safe (my last experience on LSD was extremely scary and I worried what would have happened if I was to take it again).
I lay in bed and put on some headphones. About half an hour later I started to notice the faint visual cues of a comeup. Another half an hour later I was there, I continued lying down and thinking about what I was doing to myself. I'd always been known as a bit of a stoner but I was starting to turn into an alcoholic and I lost the one girl I'd ever loved like that. The things I'd been doing swirled around my head until something clicked.
I heard the words "Everything that is", and the words and their meaning became fractal in themselves. "Everything that is that is that is that is that is that is that is..." twisting and spiraling on itself, me visualising the thought, and then the thought blew out of the vision of a head I could see. And that thought turned into a world that was cracked down the middle and I realised all it takes to cause disharmony in the world was a single thought, and when I realised that the cracked offset world then shifted back into alignment and I also realised that all it takes is for one right decision to make a monumental change in the world. While this was happening I could physically "feel" my addiction in my body and I could feel myself "pulling" it out of me, struggling and fighting, going on for what felt like hours until it broke free and I felt free.
The moment I tore my addiction out of me I got up and realised I'd been crying, and I continued to cry. I cried for a solid half hour while I went through my phone deleting every dealers number I had and every person who was saved on my phone just in the hope that I'd be able to get drugs if I was stuck some time. It was one of the most freeing and beautiful feelings I've ever felt in my life and I hadn't cried that much in years.
It's currently been about a week since quitting weed and I haven't had any desire to go back. I haven't drank at all by myself, and I've even managed to quit cigarettes 3 or 4 days ago. I know there's always the chance that I could go back but I'm not going to let myself. I'm making the right choice now for the first time in 7 years. I may have already ruined most of my relationships because of it and I'm basically alone now, but I've hopes I can just maybe get the woman I love back now that I've changed - if not then that's my own fault but I won't be going back to my old ways.
So that's my story of how LSD helped me finally beat my addictions and thanks for reading.
Tagged by Xorkoth
substancecode_lsd
substancecode_lysergamides
explevel_experienced
exptype_positive
exptype_glowing
exptype_lifechanging
exptype_addiction
roacode_sublingual
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I'm at university at the moment and I've been on placement doing software engineering for a medical imaging company for the last few months which luckily seems to be pushing me towards a positive future, I don't graduate for another 2 years, but in a couple of hours I'm going to be talking to the CEO about staying on to work part time when I do go back to uni and then hopefully that'll be me sorted in a job that I actually love for the foreseeable future, so fingers crossed! Decided I'd treat myself to a new guitar too since I actually have money now, so I've been concentrating a bit more on music again which I'd been neglecting for the last year or so.