Loss of belief? The devil is after me

[Outsider369]

hey guys
I am going through a really hard time in my life. I was once a very spiritual person but I feel like the world has let me down in every way and there’s no reason for the things that happened to me.
I am now on about 100mg of morphine a day and I don’t know whether the drug is changing me or what, I do know I started taking it in the first place cause I’m depressed and no medication has ever helped (I’ve taken every you can think of).
life has been horrible to me but I do have a few good things in my life advantages that people don’t have, when I think about them I feel bad that I’m depressed cause it makes me feel like I’m ungrateful.
I‘ve always overly romanticized life, to me life was for living and I rejected the idea that life was hard. I lived my teenage years doing lots of drugs and trying to live life to the fullest but it was actually a sad teenagehppd cause life didn’t allow me to have my Woodstock moments by putting me in bad places with bad peopl, bad circumstances etc.
I won’t get into everything that happened to me but lots of very horrible things happened during my childhood, teenage years and adulthood.
however I still had a little bit of lightness to my soul and playfulness to my spirit I guess I still had hope that something good would happen.
As years went by more bad things kept happening and now I’m starting to lose my light, I feel like a dead person and think about killing myself every single day.
I have always wanted to be an actress or musician (I believe I am good and deserving of recognition) but I won’t get into how good and in what aspeats since I think it’s beside the point in this thread.
Even being an addict for many years I still managed to get a degree but it was never useful for anything, I never worked a job for more than 2 months but I lie in my cvs and I’m good with words and languages so I can sometimes convince people that I’m far more experienced than I am and I’m also very good looking (not tying to sound obnoscious ignore this if you want) which has helped me get a few things in life (almost everything I have that is considered by people to be “conquered by my own effort”
I am now at a point in my life that I’ve realised that I need to stop being such a dreamer and dedicate myself to a job.

the problem is:
I’m such a complicated person I feel like no job will ever fulfill me and make me happy and even if I’m lucky and get a job which is pretty cool (which is possible because of some unique abilities I have and the amount of languages I speak) I’ll still be completely miserable and kill myself.
My ideal life has always been to be a hippie kid who does nothing but does drug and has sec all day or be a musician or actress and now that I’m 28 I feel like my dreams are dying and I’m becoming craz, I feel like I’ve been a lunatic for my entire life, lost my belief in the universe and the power of give and take, lost my personal power and am now having intrusive thoughts of killing myslef in the most gruesome manners, hurting myself etc, I think life is a punishment and I’ve been chosen for a very tough one and if there’s any higher power I’ve been for punishment and suffering, that my soul belongs to the devil to torture and I am not at piece for a single minute, not even when I’m on morphine, not when I’m asleep (nightmares), maybe I’m only at peace when I’m on extremely high doses (nodding off) that is if I‘m not throw up.
I don’t know what to do, I can see no way out but death, I’m tired of waiting for good things to happen, I have given up on love ages ago and have given up on psychological help too because I think I‘m beyond repair.

 

[sonicwhite]

Well seeing that God governs the Universe those desires will not be met only by selling out for Satan. You can never truly sell your soul to him but he will give you empty promises and a hollow lifestyle. When I gave my life to Christ I had what some ppl who gave their lives too didn't have. All the nourishing love a Father could lavish onto me. Being that I just came out of a wild fire that left me scarred. I say that in the sense that life kept tossing me back and forth. I lost my ex. I lost my marbles. I was stuck in segregation detoxing so bad my skin was tint green from all the meth. I didn't even know how to use the phone to get out. I was raped by two guards. Yeah I had it rough for about 7 months until slowly I started to gain my mind back. That was in 05, in 06 I completely surrendered my life to Jesus. It was as if an explosion went off and for the first time I had what I always longed for. It was Him. Please don't hurt yourself. God knows every facet of your life. Just talk to Him. He understands. I'm not trying to evanglise but from one hurt person to another give you tips on how to bounce back from a life that has been torture 4 you. I get it and I'm always here.

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

I’m such a complicated person I feel like no job will ever fulfill me and make me happy and even if I’m lucky and get a job which is pretty cool

What excites you? What gets your adrenaline going? What is it you feel would be your "dream" job even if it werent a job at all? (non drug related)

I have given up on love ages ago and have given up on psychological help too because I think I‘m beyond repair.

May I ask what makes you feel that you are "beyond repair" ? Not in specifics but in general perspective.
Just wondering cause many (including myself) has been/is there or both.
Sometimes we just have to wait out the storms and pick up and go on. There are many storms about find shelter and prepare a plan, is my suggestion.
Been through a fair amount of BS myself. Not sure why or why I am still here but have some ideas.
You will pull through this.
We will be here to help if needed, wanted or necessary.
Best always,
L

 

[Outsider369]

What excites you? What gets your adrenaline going? What is it you feel would be your "dream" job even if it werent a job at all? (non drug related)

May I ask what makes you feel that you are "beyond repair" ? Not in specifics but in general perspective.
Just wondering cause many (including myself) has been/is there or both.
Sometimes we just have to wait out the storms and pick up and go on. There are many storms about find shelter and prepare a plan, is my suggestion.
Been through a fair amount of BS myself. Not sure why or why I am still here but have some ideas.
You will pull through this.
We will be here to help if needed, wanted or necessary.
Best always,
L

I think I’m beyond repair because no one will understand me and it’s like I’m stuck in a position where there’s just no way out, since there’s not possible way out it wouldn‘ t be possible for them to help me , the reason why I think I’m beyond revered is because I’m effed up in so many aspects and levels of life it would take an entire life time of therapy wouldn‘t be able to cure me.
I don’t understand how so many traumas and issues and coexist in only one person. If I’d had to list them all it’d take ages.

The only thing that excite me except for drugs is performing on stage like I said my dream was to be a musician and i also gotten into acting but that doesn’t pay the bills.

I’d like to thank you for your kind words, I don‘t get to talk about my problems to anyone and feel like if anyone knew specifically what my mind patterns and beliefs are they wouldn’t like me (I‘m not a racist or a bad person or anything) I just have different beliefs (I guess that’s another reason why I don’t seek out psychological help btw) but it’s still nice to have a stranger know a little about you and not judge you and show some kind of care, so thanks.

 

[Outsider369]

Well seeing that God governs the Universe those desires will not be met only by selling out for Satan. You can never truly sell your soul to him but he will give you empty promises and a hollow lifestyle. When I gave my life to Christ I had what some ppl who gave their lives too didn't have. All the nourishing love a Father could lavish onto me. Being that I just came out of a wild fire that left me scarred. I say that in the sense that life kept tossing me back and forth. I lost my ex. I lost my marbles. I was stuck in segregation detoxing so bad my skin was tint green from all the meth. I didn't even know how to use the phone to get out. I was raped by two guards. Yeah I had it rough for about 7 months until slowly I started to gain my mind back. That was in 05, in 06 I completely surrendered my life to Jesus. It was as if an explosion went off and for the first time I had what I always longed for. It was Him. Please don't hurt yourself. God knows every facet of your life. Just talk to Him. He understands. I'm not trying to evanglise but from one hurt person to another give you tips on how to bounce back from a life that has been torture 4 you. I get it and I'm always here.

Maybe I could talk to god but I do‘t know if he likes me very much


I tried talking to him, no words come out of my mind, I fell completely fake and like a hypocr doing so, I’ ve spoken to Lucifer and other demons a few times, I’m not a bad person I was just desperate for help.
I don’t even know if demons exist but I guess I did at the time and what is happening in my life feels like very much a manifesta of these demonic force.
maybe it’s real maybe it’s no, it could be that the effect that summoning a demon has on the subconscious is distructive in and of itself without the demon even having to exist.
I do believe in good and evil but to me those lines are very blurried.
I wish I was an atheist sometimes, I don’t like the idea of a god punishing me or an demon making me feel empty unless I’m high.
I’m very confused, I don’t know who I am and what I believe anymore.

 

[sonicwhite]

He loves you more then you can imagine. It cost Him His Throne and everything to just have you. Trust me you can't clean yourself enough. He has to do it and me just writing this is His Sovereign servant telling you that He loves you. You are worthy and priceless to Him.

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

the reason why I think I’m beyond revered is because I’m effed up in so many aspects and levels of life it would take an entire life time of therapy wouldn‘t be able to cure me.

I know this "hole".
Working on getting out of it now.
Seasonally I have to work on one thing at a time (which it all seems to be entangled in some way) or I get so overwhelmed I lose it and focus is gone... not a very "good" spot to be in for myself and those around me.
Lots of pain and tears coming to grips with trauma(s). Not the easiest path in life but I have to say it took me too long but self-medicating had a lot to do with that.
To be here when someone may want ya to be or needs help is more important to me than not being here. Just my take.
Trauma(s) are a hell of an issue I am finding after decades... if not dealt with they seem to grow proportionately, ime.
Wasn't and isn't easy... takes guts to want and work to be who we know we are inside, there are lots of speed-bumps and naysayers along the way. Run their asses over is my motto.
But help with this is coming just hold your ground. I know the hell of holding on to trauma(s) and still payin for it to this day.

 

[Outsider369]

I know this "hole".
Working on getting out of it now.
Seasonally I have to work on one thing at a time (which it all seems to be entangled in some way) or I get so overwhelmed I lose it and focus is gone... not a very "good" spot to be in for myself and those around me.
Lots of pain and tears coming to grips with trauma(s). Not the easiest path in life but I have to say it took me too long but self-medicating had a lot to do with that.
To be here when someone may want ya to be or needs help is more important to me than not being here. Just my take.
Trauma(s) are a hell of an issue I am finding after decades... if not dealt with they seem to grow proportionately, ime.
Wasn't and isn't easy... takes guts to want and work to be who we know we are inside, there are lots of speed-bumps and naysayers along the way. Run their asses over is my motto.
But help with this is coming just hold your ground. I know the hell of holding on to trauma(s) and still payin for it to this day.

That’s exactly the same way I feel and when you said working with each trauma separately but each trauma is entangled with another trauma it really hit home, I didn’t even know it was a thing and I though only I had it Until you mentioned it.
it‘s like one trauma caused another then another which led to another and so on.
I hope you find help or at least are surrounded by people who support and understand you, I live alone with my mother who has her fair amounts of trauma too and who is very ignorant when it comes to dealing with people with depression on trouble people. I don‘t have a single family member or frien who supports me or understands me, they actually judge me which causes me to isolate myself and not want human contact, although deep down I’d like to I am very afraid.
I wish I could get over the fact that my parents weren’t prepared and weren’t supposed to have a sensitive, troubled child like me and I also feel bad for not having siblings to share how terrible it is to be my parents daughte.
that‘s just a tiny source of where my proble come from and only a small contributing factor that has led me to relate to society and people the way I do.

Whay I wanted to say with all of this (apart from sharing a bit about myself) is that if you have a person who understands you, makes you feel cared for or even just makes you feel good with some positive energy that is already gold, stick to that person as much as you can, it will lift you up and heal you so much.

 

[sonicwhite]

I face the trauma I had knowing one day everyone will give an account. I would rather them come to know Jesus like me. Cuz personally I think of myself before my conversion the worst of the worst. For the first time in my delusional two yr stupor I thought right. That I could of killed my ex by HIV. So I walked around OKC in no certain direction until I called the cops. I was clearly losing it fast. I admitted that drugs where always involved but it never occurred to me in the sense that it could of been. Yeah I thought about it but never took the thought serious until then. So just in case I was owning up to it. Ready to face the music and well the rest is history. It took a good two years for the tsunami wave to hit after the wake. That was hard. I don't know how she's doing. I lost everything in a moment because when you have OCD meth does not mix well.


Here I am tho. Totally different. More loving. More gentle. More empathic. A plus I have eternal life. Not that I'm asking God as a sugar daddy like the poor naked multimillion dollar preachers who will find out one day how delusional they really where. Just your normal born again Christian who has a rock solid faith in Christ. What I yearn for is to be martyred. That's the Highest honor. God is looking 4 Radical Christians not the I don't sin you sinner. But those willing to lay their lives down 4 Him

 

[Outsider369]

I face the trauma I had knowing one day everyone will give an account. I would rather them come to know Jesus like me. Cuz personally I think of myself before my conversion the worst of the worst. For the first time in my delusional two yr stupor I thought right. That I could of killed my ex by HIV. So I walked around OKC in no certain direction until I called the cops. I was clearly losing it fast. I admitted that drugs where always involved but it never occurred to me in the sense that it could of been. Yeah I thought about it but never took the thought serious until then. So just in case I was owning up to it. Ready to face the music and well the rest is history. It took a good two years for the tsunami wave to hit after the wake. That was hard. I don't know how she's doing. I lost everything in a moment because when you have OCD meth does not mix well.


Here I am tho. Totally different. More loving. More gentle. More empathic. A plus I have eternal life. Not that I'm asking God as a sugar daddy like the poor naked multimillion dollar preachers who will find out one day how delusional they really where. Just your normal born again Christian who has a rock solid faith in Christ. What I yearn for is to be martyred. That's the Highest honor. God is looking 4 Radical Christians not the I don't sin you sinner. But those willing to lay their lives down 4 Him

I heard of many people with addiction problems devoting their lives ti Christ and it has worked for them. They really are sober and born again.
I am a sinner by nature though just that type of person who likes to indulgence and excess, dark ages and very rebellious. altough I’m sure devoting your life to Christ does solve many problems including addiction I feel like I’d had to hit rock bottom for me to want to change myself to that point, it wo be almost like giving up every aspect of myself completely and becoming a new perso and I’m still not ready for that, my earnings and longings speak so loud I can’t hear anything else

 

[sonicwhite]

It's Him who convicts. If He does don't resist. Cuz all the things you hold dear will be gone one day. I've never met one person who was able to take any material things with them when they die. If you're not ready. We'll you're holding onto something He is saying give up. He won't force you tho. He will let you decide if drawn to Him. There is nothing in the world worth going to Hell for. Nothing.

 

[kiely]

It's Him who convicts. If He does don't resist. Cuz all the things you hold dear will be gone one day. I've never met one person who was able to take any material things with them when they die. If you're not ready. We'll you're holding onto something He is saying give up. He won't force you tho. He will let you decide if drawn to Him. There is nothing in the world worth going to Hell for. Nothing.

I won't have to give up. I just don't.

Have a nice day. I love love love your posts. You are enduring and good company. I like listening to your inspirations soooo much.

Thanks stay awesome and a friend !?

But remember I don't read every last post. Just try when I can. Heee.

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

Whay I wanted to say with all of this (apart from sharing a bit about myself) is that if you have a person who understands you, makes you feel cared for or even just makes you feel good with some positive energy that is already gold, stick to that person as much as you can, it will lift you up and heal you so much.

Agree full heartedly.
There is (in my opinion) no severing that which binds us together.
We can draw on others through any time or place we may be. It is up to us to "connect" or reach for that rope to help us our hole(s)... just seems like we have to make the move from darkness to a lighter version from my experiences. Just as it isnnot always dark, it is not always bright. Bringing any extreme to this "cycle" also brings the opposing wave be it up or down.
Getting as close to an "even" vibration seems to help my misery and that in others.
Not a doctor but do see one. No meds, please. Tried some and made shite worse.
Unravelling this bundle of tangled yarn is not easy and can be very frustrating, woeful, angry, hurt, resentful, or a pice of shit like I felt and expressed. Maybe headaches ( ? ) and or other physical issues? This last bit are some thoughts rolling around in my head and are musings only. So no quoting that.
But to be able to relate is a powerful thing for sure.
Always

 

[Zopiclone bandit]

I feel like the world has let me down in every way and there’s no reason for the things that happened to me.

life didn’t allow me to have my Woodstock moments by putting me in bad places with bad peopl, bad circumstances etc.

My ideal life has always been to be a hippie kid who does nothing but does drug and has sec all day or be a musician or actress and now that I’m 28 I feel like my dreams are dying and I’m becoming craz, I feel like I’ve been a lunatic for my entire life, lost my belief in the universe and the power of give and take, lost my personal power and am now having intrusive thoughts of killing myslef in the most gruesome manners, hurting myself etc, I think life is a punishment and I’ve been chosen for a very tough one and if there’s any higher power I’ve been for punishment and suffering, that my soul belongs to the devil to torture and I am not at piece for a single minute, not even when I’m on morphine, not when I’m asleep (nightmares), maybe I’m only at peace when I’m on extremely high doses (nodding off) that is if I‘m not throw up.

Are you for real or just Trolling? If this is really how you see the World your parents have done a Horrific job in raising you & I honestly suggest for a BASIC start you look around the World in which we live then think this back over.

You in Syria where your family were raped by ISIS & then had their head cut off? NO
You living in Liberia on less than $2 per day, having to take shit in the street & have memories of being a Child Soldier where you were forced to EAT people you shot & were made at gun point to perform ritual killing of your enemies to various Gods? NOPE

My ideal life has always been to be a hippie kid who does nothing but does drug and has sec all day or be a musician or actress

Time you grow the fuck up, you are beyond words & if you were my kid I'd kick you out the house & MAKEYOU sleep on the streets & have to BEG for cash to eat. You are everything that is wrong with this world. I'd kick your ass if I was your dad I swear to God.

Grow the fuck up & get a job, well that is if anyone will give you one as I'd NOT pay you in buttons for a days hard labour.

 

[Zopiclone bandit]

I’ ve spoken to Lucifer and other demons a few times, I’m not a bad person I was just desperate for help.
I don’t even know if demons exist but I guess I did at the time and what is happening in my life feels like very much a manifesta of these demonic force.

Oh Please, you don't even have the ability to hold yourself together without posting one of the worst posts on here I've ever seen, I cant wait to hear your finer points in summoning "Evil" forces with your amazing techniques of Solomonic magick.

FYI the "Universe" is at the core a None-duality lesson, this gibberish you posted is a form of Mental Sickness.

What you really need is Kali to cut your head off, go to your Kali temple & ask the Baba there how to Japa & Puja, ask Kali to cut your head off & she will

 

[sonicwhite]

Dude chill out for Christ's sake. This person is obviously in a rut. We need to lift him or her up. I do agree to give up the talking to Satan, Satan talks to everyone. It's those who entertain these demons that will suffer. Yeah Satan will give you everything you desire. Yet it will cost you what really matters, your soul.

I told you that fine tuning your heart to what really matters most is God. The Alpha and Omega. Not some sugar daddy but the Almight I AM.


Gentleness is what you need. I don't think it's trolling cuz I've been in their shoes. Different circumstances but the same emotional outcome. Crying inside. Those things you want are all just a vapor. Here today, gone tomorrow. As I try to gently try to wean you off the World to trust God you can clearly see Satan is already attacking. Oh well, it just confirms I'm doing the right thing. And bandit I don't think you have the grit to lay your life down. I will willingly spit in Neros face. The AC. Anti-Christ. If we are that generation that sees this great drama unfolding let me be the first to lay my life down. Not for some god of destruction which actually you can call it whatever you like. It's Satan himself. He disguises as all sorts of other gods. You shall serve no other gods before Me.

 

[Tazadeguate]

Well seeing that God governs the Universe those desires will not be met only by selling out for Satan. You can never truly sell your soul to him but he will give you empty promises and a hollow lifestyle. When I gave my life to Christ I had what some ppl who gave their lives too didn't have. All the nourishing love a Father could lavish onto me. Being that I just came out of a wild fire that left me scarred. I say that in the sense that life kept tossing me back and forth. I lost my ex. I lost my marbles. I was stuck in segregation detoxing so bad my skin was tint green from all the meth. I didn't even know how to use the phone to get out. I was raped by two guards. Yeah I had it rough for about 7 months until slowly I started to gain my mind back. That was in 05, in 06 I completely surrendered my life to Jesus. It was as if an explosion went off and for the first time I had what I always longed for. It was Him. Please don't hurt yourself. God knows every facet of your life. Just talk to Him. He understands. I'm not trying to evanglise but from one hurt person to another give you tips on how to bounce back from a life that has been torture 4 you. I get it and I'm always here.

So glad to hear Jesus changed you! He is amazing and nothing compares to His love and presence. Seek Him and you will find Him! He loves us so much and longs for us to come to Him! He will reveal himself and help us come out of the pit of addiction and the spirit of death and destruction!

 

[Zopiclone bandit]

So glad to hear Jesus changed you! He is amazing and nothing compares to His love and presence. Seek Him and you will find Him! He loves us so much and longs for us to come to Him! He will reveal himself and help us come out of the pit of addiction and the spirit of death and destruction!

You have no idea about"God" or Jesus, 99% of Christians are the same.
When did you last listen to a Proper Revival sermon? Never is the answer!!!!

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

I think this "Jusus" would be no worse or better than anyone elses ideal/beliefs or none of it other in the P&D thread.
Not sure if I am off cue do kinda need a tune up. brb