Oxygal, regarding the willpower comment, try not to beat yourself up about that either. Willpower is a leaned skill, or at least learning to harness it for your wellbeing is.
It always requires some kind of help to learn this sort of thing, so just because you haven't figured it all out yet isn't any wrong with you. It may be on you to find people who you can respect as role models (and who are capable of supporting your development in recovery/life), but that'll happen just as long as you keep trying.
Plus, what...
Who cares about being the best when you can become great
I really appreciate you saying that! Nobody that I know even remotely knows what kratom is so I’m fairly alone in that respect and beat myself up over my usage. It’s nice to know there isn’t judgment here! I always think I’ll taper to make life easier but never quite have the willpower to do that. I read this whole Lope thread before going that route as a withdrawal tool and was wary of the dangers.
Was withdrawal off 50-60 g horrendous? Do you still use kratom at all now?
No problem dear, that's why I love BL. The safest place I've ever encountered to have serious, frank, supportive and educational discussions about drug use/etc.
If you're curious what some other kratom habits BLers have had, and what it's been like trying to transition off kratom, check out the SL Directory. Scroll to the final section on Recovery Journals and you'll find more than one highlighting challenges posed by a kratom habit:
http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/811238-SL-Directory-(lots-of-amazing-info-inside)
Coming off my large kratom habit wasn't fun, but it was actually mostly just weird. The physical symptoms were really quite easy compared to conventional full agonist opioids like heroin. It was a lot more like coming off a partial agonist like buprenorphine.
Getting off that kratom habit, the worst symptoms were psychoemotional. The withdrawal was also drawn out (didn't peak until like day 5-7?) but overall the physical symptoms weren't so bad. All in all really reminded me of coming off a moderate/low dose of buprenorphine.
There was some RLS, but less serious than other kicks I've done. There was also some nasty GI issues (cramping, diarrhea), which 2-4mg of loperamide kind of helped (but the next day when the loperamide worse off the diarrhea would be almost worse than it was without loperamide at all).
That all said, the psychoemotional symptoms were really difficult compared to other kicks. Evened up using DXO (so basically DXM) on day six or seven because it was just too much to deal with, and it didn't seem like the end was anywhere near. Previous when I'd use something like DXM to come off kratom, it didn't help much at all - at least not like how helpful it is for conventional opioids.
But waiting until the kratom withdrawal had fully peaked seem to make the DXM much more effective, just as it is for detoxing from conventional opioids for me. Thank heavens for NMDA antagonists!
After two days of DXM/O I was basically right as rain psychologically and emotionally. The DXM left me suggestible and fragile psychologically speaking, but otherwise stable and balanced without any depression or cravings to use. Took a while for the remaining physical symptoms to subside, and to come back to baseline with the suggestibility. Then the worst was just insomnia, and I had trazadone (works pretty well for me) to get me through that.
I try not to use kratom these days. My experience with it really brought home that it's just another opioid. Certainly got its own unique set of affects, but opioids are so unhealthy for me to use to take care of my health (outside of acute pain, and even then I really dislike taking them these days).
If I'd use kratom it would be either for pain (which is manageable right now, plus I still have some tramadol for that) or to deal with mental health stuff. Kratom is a horrible substitute for medication when it comes to my experience of anxiety and post traumatic stress though, so yeah really don't like that idea.
I have definitely used kratom since coming off that big habit (namely to manage fatigue with studying, but short acting opioids are really hard for me to control, so it doesn't work well for long). With the knowledge of how to manage the withdrawal and an awareness that kratom's just another opioid, I haven't gotten into the position where I get stuck with it.
Still, I really don't like or want to use kratom. Really need to get my act together with the psychiatrist so I'm not tempted to use it for mental health issues. Sigh...