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lonliness due to drugs

jayjaysleepyhead

jayjaysleepyhead

Bluelighter
Joined
May 28, 2016
Messages
227
hi guys, im nearly there so I think I can come on this forum 20ml of meth reducing a ml a day and 10 mg tab of valium again reducing 2mg per month . But my 30 yrs of addiction if u count the valium has left massive scars ,ive became a very loney anti social person with a lot of fear of just getting out, I cant do paragraphs on this bloody phone so try and bear with me. There was a time when I used to dj had friends galore until heroin and crack took over, I could always manage to get by on valium despite nearly every day use I still worked, socialised, had relationships etc etc. Then I started using every day and got a habit, went to jail good few times too, then came the methadone which has turned me into the opposite of myself in last 3 yrs especially.Now I stay in im 44 but cant get out the door ,plus nobody wants to believe me,or listen to my depression of life , I could go on forever but this is an example of battering drugs for too long and im worried its too late too stop altogether.
 
Sounds like you might have developed a bit of social anxiety, or agoraphobia. Are you a tobacco user?

Stay strong, there's a way to get out and have friends again. <3
 
As long as you are alive - it's not too late Depression and anxiety can be crippling.

Try getting help for those issues to start-a little at a time. You definitely still have hope for the life you want. ❤️
 
jayjaysleepyhead said:
I do smoke tobacco occasionaly not every day bro, why?
Click to expand...

Tobacco has a huge implication in the onset of agoraphobia. Normally it's a bigger issue when someone is a daily smoker of 10+ cigarettes, but it's possible it can happen at any level.

It also might not be a factor. It's hard to tell.

I think it's probably related to all drug use, especially for someone who uses at home, you've effectively created a place you feel safe/comfortable in, whereas the rest of the world you can't use so it's not a comfortable situation. It happens. Does this sound possible?
 
Very interesting CH. I'd love to hear more about the association of tobacco use and agoraphobia, considering I have been struggling with isolating a bit over the last week. I think it has more to do with depression, but honestly who knows. Last week was difficult was difficult for a number of reasons.

I find getting out in nature helps a lot with my tendencies toward self-imposed isolation.

Loneliness in recovery is something that has plagued me for a long time. It used to be a bigger issue than it currently is, but I'd still say it's an issue. Frankly, it's been an issue most of my life, so it's nothing I'm unfamiliar with :\

I was lucky enough to find some supportive communities where I live, but it took a long time before I stumbled upon them and got up the effort to involve myself. Putting one's self out there can involve a lot of effort, but in my experience it is just a matter of try, try and try again.

Engaging in small, healthy habits also seems to help with my loneliness. Even the smallest of accomplishments can raise my morale substantially. In fact, in more ways than not I'd say they're the foundation for my recovery.
 
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Me too, friend. Isolation 100%. Booze and opiates are my thing. I went to rehab twice last year, so that kind of put all of my shit out in the open with my friends. Getting sober, I lost a lot of friends because so many of them were just drinking/drug buddies who don't know how to relate to me when I'm not drunk and high. I have one really good friend who's always been super supportive, "let me know if you ever need anything", "you can always talk to me" type shit. I always wanted an older sister growing up, and this friend became almost like an older sister figure to me. I look up to her a lot, and I really value her support and her advice. I really feel like I connect with her, which is rare because I have serious issues trusting and connecting with other people.

Anyway, I relapsed several months ago on booze and heroin, and I came clean to her about it a few weeks ago. She's like not talking to me at all. Just straight up ghosting me. I keep trying to reach out and talk to her, and I get nothing. I think she feels weird around me, knowing I'm high most of the time. But still. It kind of hurts, not gonna lie. Now I'm just like, fuck it, this is why I need booze and dope in the first place, for shit like this. Why get clean if people can't be there for you, you know?

Sorry, didn't mean to make that post about me, haha. Just venting and saying I know the feeling. It's a lonely life. But you're not alone. There are other people going through this shit too. Stay strong, friend!
 
Ouch, that sucks SWIM! [nice handle btw :)]

I am so sorry to hear that she doesn't understand what you're going through. Losing your best friend like that, it sounds a lot like big loss.

I mean, it doesn't need to be a big loss in terms of your friendship ending. A lot of people straight people (by this I mean non-users) will react to the realization that their loved one is using heroin by attempting to quarantine them or something. This says more about the character of their relationship between the user and friend than anything intrinsic about the user. If the friendship was really real and meaningful enough to her she will come around eventually.
 
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It would be far easier for me to isolate-both while using and clean. I hear everyone loud and clear on that point.

Its strange as Im described as outgoing etc. I wonder if you guys are too IRL.

SWIM - that's such a hard feeling when YOU feel like you connect w someone and it doesn't work for one reason or another. I emphasized you-because I mean it in the context of we-I rarely feel that best friend connection (or lover but Im married so thats ok lol) w anyone-but people easily feel it w me. Meaning Im a few people's bestfriend but I only feel that connection w one person.

Its lonely. In sorry about what you're going through w your friend. Is it possible that it could be temporary? Have you tried asking her straight out why she's being different toward you?

OP - I really wanted you to know your life doesn't have to be over and that you're not alone.

TPD - you strike me as very outgoing. Its interesting that you are an only child. So am I. I don't mind being alone-and need to be sometimes. Ive always contributed that to being an only child. My husband is also an only child Coincidence? Im not sure. At any rate- I hope everyone is well and is having a great day ?
 
You're not alone in your perception of me 10Yrs :) Xx

Indeed, when I feel safe in my own skin I can become quite gregarious.

BL has long been one of those "safe spaces" for me, even before I joined I think. That was back in like '08 when I was in college and had just seriously started using opioids (heroin). Even just lurking TDS felt right, safe, okay. Like, here were people who seemed to think and speak the same language as me.
 
Yes or Yaaas lol ^^^ On all you've said. When I feel safe in my own skin watch out world. BL felt like coming home <3

Im comic relief for sure yet very serious, intense and loyal to the death.
 
hi, everyone only me , been reading all ur posts, im an only child too,my dad remarried and has 5 kids but due to my drug habits, I honestly dont know them , as my dad does not trust me, I lost my mum& sister in a horrific car accident 35 years ago on easter sunday it happened , long long time ago but u never forget, when u spend so much time alone like me ,u tend to think what if and only if she were still alive, and I think,id still have been a druggy, but who knows. I enjoy reading ur posts toothpaste u supported me and always give good advice but also remember ur also human and u too must have shit on your plate(one love bro), folks I do greatly believe that unless u want to or choose to be alone it can slowly kill ur soul, im defo not same outgoing party animal , I know, that and its good to hear ur in a good place 10yrs u too are a good person, we all are . I do totally 100% think u are right (CH) in what u say about comfort zones and all that, and the tobacco bit is also interesting I gotta look into it more mate. well u all keep strong and try mostly if u can to confide in someone, as keeping it to yourself is so unhelthy for ur mind.
 
Jay- Im so sorry to hear about your mom and sister-and that the anniversary of the accident just passed. I don't think the number of years matters as far as your heart. Huge hug from me to you. And its sincere. <3.

Interesting that you too are an only child. I don't know if Im outgoing ad much as Im perceived to be outgoing. If that makes sense.

What is it that is stopping you from getting the life you really want? PM me anytime if you'd like.
 
hi 10 yrs im very open and I dont mind answering ur quieston , sorry im not into pms but thanx , im talkin too u now and if people want to read then feel free , so its a good question for 1 im stuck in london in an 800 pound a month studio, was im a hostel but the hostel was In a nicer area , this flat is in tottenham london, a complete crap hole, I hate it, also I got severe depression, anxiety and insomnia and father who is on my back to get serene altogther, I wanna be a drugs councellor, so much , but I also want to have a clear mind drug free, when I study loadsmore will add at a later date ok.
 
sorry swim, I feel like I ignored u and ur post, please dont ever think u are taking over posts my friend, it means nothing just because I started it, I alwzys like it when someone new has input, sounds like u too are having a hard time and I totally relate to using,like when u say why not if no one wants to know u , I often use due to my lonliness and people I thought may care are too busy with there great lifes,(bullc rap),im alwzys on here when I get really bad edpecially now. Its the only place where people give a shit mate and u feel a wee bit lighter as theres loads of us in the same boat, try show these people ur not a so called loser then when they wanna chat , thob them off, (not best advice swim sorry). my heads gone at mo .
 
Hey Jay--thanks for responding! No worries about not being into PM --I wanted you to know that I would love to chat w you in the case you would like to--and if not that's ok too ;).

I know exactly what you mean about wanting to get it together before pursuing your goals--I am struggling to pull myself together (IV heroin)--I am/was on day 8 of not using. Got 5 bags. Have used 2 so far. To be honest the only thing it did was bring my body temperature from hypothermic to normal. Which feels very good as Ive been freezing for all these days.

I also struggle w severe anxiety and panic attacks and have my entire life. About 2 or so years ago I was prescribed neurontin for nerve pain which it didn't help at all for. However it did wonders for anxiety. In a life-changing way. I only wish I had been on it yrs ago. I'm sure my life would be different in alot of ways. It's very difficult to be pressured to not be a way you struggle with-my mother used to want me to magically "get over" my anxiety and panic amongst other things Most of which led me to self-medicating and abusing my pain medication.

From the way you write it seems you'd be a wonderful counselor. Sorry for rambling. Hope your having a good day/night. <3
 
hi again, friend id like to call u that if thats ok, are u in states?. I too think id make a good councellor just gotta drop this 20ml of meth, and 1 10mg of valium daily ,sounds like nothing but as u know once u get down to these low doses its harder I just had a sneezing fit, horrible like 15 rapid sneezes ha ha, also im missing natural light a lot I go get my meds and then its back to my batcave,fuckin horrible life , also spoke to my drugs worker .,so A as usual she is either busy or on leave ive still not had a full session yet , my fault too, memory loss of appts ,this meth stuff is really affecting my teeth ive lost 3 in a year ,jesus if only we had known before we started all this, was a bit shoced u iv heroin , but u gotta do things that u think will help at time, I injected too, 10 month ago I was at it once a week. we all got demons. ok thanx again and stay in touch ok . x
 
sorry 10 yrs can I ask ur age, I ask everyone as im 44 and always think im like oldest user ever (paranoid)
 
Wow, thanks everyone <3. I really appreciate all of the kind, understanding words. I've always used Bluelight for harm reduction info, but so nice to know it's also such a welcoming community for moral support :).

TPD, that's a really good point. I think she means well. Her boyfriend is also an addict who recently relapsed and went back to rehab, so she may just be sick of all our bullshit, haha, you know? I haven't dropped the H bomb on her because people seriously freak out over heroin, especially IV heroin. I've just told her I'm back on opiates. But she did say a while ago that she has a hard time telling the difference between supporting and enabling, with both me and her boyfriend. So if I give her the benefit of the doubt, I think maybe she's just trying to avoid enabling me? But of course, support and communication never enabled anyone. And I really miss her. I always felt better after talking to her, and she's really nonjudgmental and compassionate. I think the fact that it all seems a little out-of-character makes it worse.

10YearsGone, that's so interesting that you say that. I've actually been told by multiple therapists that I have the same issue, everyone feeling like they're connected to me but me having such a hard time connecting back. As an super introvert, I don't have a *ton* of friends, but like 99% of the friends I have are people who seem to feel really connected to me even though, from my point of view, they don't know me nearly as well as they think they do and I don't feel connected back. I'm a very guarded person. This friend is probably the only person, aside from my two younger sisters, who I feel so connected with. But she has a lot of friends, so it's entirely possible she doesn't feel the same level of connection back. I always feel like I want to hang out with her more, but she's so busy because she's so social, that I only see her like once a month. And yeah, especially for someone with trust and abandonment issues, the realization that someone is more important to you than you are to them really stings. I'm planning on asking her about it straight this weekend, I think. Might as well get it out in the open.

Jay, thank you so much <3. You seem like a really awesome person. I'm so sorry about your mom and sister, that's really awful. I can't imagine going through something like that. I often feel like I've had a rough life, and then I hear about the things other people have had to experience and I feel like a little pussy. Anniversaries of traumatic events in particular are extra hard on people, at least in my personal experience, so I hope the holiday wasn't too rough on you. Sending good vibes your way. And the world needs more drug counselors with firsthand experience! Neither of the two I'm seeing currently are in recovery themselves. I wish they were. It would make them easier to relate with. So the fact that you've had so much firsthand experience is a huge asset. Totally agree with 10Years, you'll be an amazing counselor.
 
Thanks for your support, I got an open day on monday, level 2 in councelling , but I was told councelling is very difficult to fund its one of these proffesions that the goverment do not help much, so im also looking at a support worker, u get help and theres so many jobs I was told as long as u got life experience of this u do nt even need to go to college, but id rather go and study properly if possible, im worried that my criminal convictions will hinder me. In fact im sure they will do a proper check on me, even though these days they are really starting to help ex prisoners get jobs, all my convictions are theft from stores when I had a daily heroin habit and couldnt fund it, im so embarressed now im almost clean off my meth, but im hoping that these sort of jobs really are interested, in any sort of violence and interference with people which ive never done, so basically I need them to give me a chance to prove I can be a kind, helpful guy and would love to help and stop youngsters from being any sort of addict as ive been through it for 30 years so surely my knoledge and experience can be very useful.
 
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