Benzos Long term, high dose daily benzo users now clean?

[burn out]

phatass - my advice to you would be, start tapering now just go as slowly as you need to. THere are literally people who spend 2+ years tapering a benzo. If you decide you dont want to quit, you can stop tapering and stay at whatever dose youre at. But this way, you dont find yourself in the same situation two years from now having made no progress.

As for me, i was on benzos for 3 year primarily alprazolam around 4 mg per day. WIthdrawal was an absolute nightmare. It took 5 years post taper before I started to consider myself recovered, although even now I still suffer from multiple benzo wd symptoms.

 

[Spadez87]

I'll throw my story in for you to consider. I was on benzos for 11 years. I'm 27 now just finished a 2 year long taper 1.5 months ago I started at 25. At my worst I was at 180 mgs a day of Valium . 18 diazepam blues.. Fuck me that was stupid.

During that 11 years I cold turkeyed or taper off varying amounts of different benzos 5 different times but always came back after a few months. I should have just stayed off years ago. Never again will I take any benzo.

Without a doubt this was the most insane, shitty fucked up mess and situation I've ever been in. And I've had a fucked up life like I'm sure a lot of ppl here have. I thought I was going to die atleast 10 times this last taper. I was ready to say the least. I was stubborn tho. You have to want it. I had and still have hundreds of Valium pills and other benzos.
I'm never going back fuck that shit

Physically I'm good. I think cause I tapered the right way. Mentally? I'm a fucking disater I won't lie. So paranoid and anxious it's unreal. Then again I have bipolar and borderline so I dunno how people of sound mental health would feel.

I'm guessing it's gonna take a year or more to be "normal" again.

Were all getting older. If you want off I say taper now before you become a lifer. Fuck that mess.

Good luck it can be done. Def not easy though.

 

[butcher22]

I started with xanax then my doc switched me to ativan and then he cut me off with no taper because i drink and he smelled alcohol on my breath during one appointment. funny thing is that he already knew i drink and warned me not to but didnt make a big deal of it until i mentioned it to my therapist and she told him she was concerned about the combination. i started buying benzos online but i switched to valium because i wanted to eventually taper off and heard its easier to taper from diazepam because of the long half life. since i was able to get as much as i wanted no questions asked i started taking about 180-240 mg a day for about a year until that site got shut down and since doctors in america are generally very ignorant about benzo withdrawal or simply do not give a fuck i could not get into a chemical detox even though one doctor suggested it. i went to a detox center that made me quit alcohol and benzos cold turkey and only gave me librium occasionally when i had long lasting grand mal seizures or super high blood pressure. in a nutshell i almost fucking died and it was easily the darkest time of my life. the violent death of my oldest son was even easier to cope with but i never touched benzos again (it has been about 4 or 5 months) i take phenibut to deal with PAWS and even with that i still have really bad days. the truth is you will get through it if you have the willpower but it is going to suck very hard, even with a slow taper and you probably wont ever be the same person you used to me. in both positive and negative ways.

 

[phatass]

Damn, sounds like a very bumpy ride i'm in for... 8(

Spadez87 i am diagnosed schizo/parano as well as GAD, social phobia, and ADD... so you can see why i am hesiant to make a serious decision which will hugely impac the next few years of my life.

Thanks, sound advice burn out

One y'all

 

[Spadez87]

Damn, sounds like a very bumpy ride i'm in for... 8(

Spadez87 i am diagnosed schizo/parano as well as GAD, social phobia, and ADD... so you can see why i am hesiant to make a serious decision which will hugely impac the next few years of my life.

Thanks, sound advice burn out

One y'all

I hear you phatass. It seems like a no win situation at times. For instance burn outs post me me almost puke lol. He's right. Fuck us I guess.

I just hope when I turn 30 in a few I can look back and say shit that no win seems worth it type thing

 

[mostly-human]

I used to take 14mg+ daily of clonazepam for 4 years and then another 3 years on 4mg xanax, 30mg temazepam, and 3mg attivan. I went off of them cold turkey and had absolutely no problems or withdrawal, I'm thinking that's an exception to the rule rather than what normally happens when you cold turkey off of doses of that amount.

That's definitely an exception to the rule, but I have a mate who's done similar.. He was taking around 10mg of xanax a day, for a few years and went cold turkey and experienced nothing worse than feeling shitty for a couple of days. Since then, he variously abused xanax any where from 5-20mg a day, for periods of a few months at a time and would always come off them pretty easily.

That said, I used to have another mate, he's moved away now, but he used to be on a comparative low dose of xanax (like 2-3mg/day) and he got seizures if he went cold-turkey.

 

[Erikmen]

It´s an exception. I say that because benzos change the way you think about you and about the others. It lifts your self esteem chemically.
How can you go back to that, without being on benzos. How can you connect the dots you could only do with benzos without it??
I´m trying to be very short but in essence, benzos make you a different person and you adapt to this new person. After going through withdraw you still have to deal with the other person you became. And that´s no piece of cake at all..

 

[adder]

thanks for the detailed reports, and props to y'all for the success stories...

no benzos whatsoever scares the shit out of me, i'm pretty torn, it's either taper now, over the next 6-9 months probably for me (done a taper before) then comes the rebound anxiety, and likely more rather than less nasty PAWS, for many months, maybe a year or more, dunno if i can face upto that, given my current responsabilities... or be on benzos for life...

now i'm opiate free, benzos would be the next logical thing to look into, treat, and take care of...

well i'll likely diminish,but don't feel ready to taper to quit, but will i ever be...??? as a poster mentioned above, it becomes part of one's lifestyle... (and i have badass GAD, social phobia and more in the first place...)

After 2-3 months I basically started feeling much better without benzodiazepines than using them. A year after quitting my anxiety is much much less than when I was still taking clonazepam. I started studying again, I can literally feel that every month I can memorise stuff better and faster. I still haven't fully overcome my trauma that led me to drugs in the first place, but I'm already much stronger than I was before taking benzodiazepines for the first time. Also, I can imagine I'd be doing even better now if I wasn't still taking buprenorphine, which is definitely an anxiogenic for me (it's manageable at 2mg/day but now I know 4mg and higher doses were making my anxiety much worse). Of course I began working with myself to substantially decrease anxiety (basically through self-manipulation techniques).

When you take benzodiazepines for a very long time and your dose is big, it's an illusion that they're still doing as much good for you as they used to at the very beginning, because the amount of receptors working properly diminishes over time. Even if you keep on increasing your dose to get the same effects despite your tolerance, at some point you'll stop feeling the effects completely because there simply won't be any GABA receptors able to work in the agonist conformation. So chances are you won't be able to live your whole life on benzodiazepines more or less comfortably (or rather tolerably).

 

[I B Profane]

I used to abuse benzos heavily...6-8mg Xanax per day....

Once I realized what I was doing I just slowly started taking less and less...down to 4-5mg Xanax per day. Then my supply went out and I switched over to Etizolam, about 10mg daily. From there, over the course of almost a year, I was able to get down to 4mg etizolam daily. I found it difficult to go lower due to the short half life, so I switched over to Diazepam. Started at 20mg per day, then dropped a mg at a time (thanks to 2mg pills) till I was taking 2-4mg diazepam a day, then stopped taking it altogheter. I still was experiencing PAWS, symptoms that felt like minor withdrawals, thoughout my daily life. I recently got a psych to prescribe me gabapentin which has all but elimated these negative after affects. Still, I want to get off this stuff as soon as possible, as being non chemically dependant is how I want to be, I just don't want my baseline sobriety to be crazy, anxious, paranoid, and terribly depressed. Fuckin years of drug abuse...

 

[mrghoul]

Yes I am proud to say been there done that and made it through it. I was prescribed xanax when I was 18yrs old and continued heavy use for 13 years. I finally found myself at the point where a 90 pill prescription wouldn't even last me a week. Coming off benzo is hard and scary for the first week or two because you are used to having that pickup when you need it, and now you have to not only deal with every thing without it but you have to deal with the discomfort of coming off. I did it cold turkey and was sure I would die but it gets better in every way. First thing you need to do is prepare to sleep. Sleep your ass off for the first few days that way you will somewhat avoid most of the anxiety in the first days.
STEP 2: Try to get your hands on some pain pills or smoke, this will take the edge off and keep the muscle cramps at bay.
STEP 3: Take some kind of system cleanser niacin and blood purifiers are pretty good and can be found cheap.
STEP 4: Keep moving. After the first few days try to exercise a little, or sit in the bathroom with the hot water on and heater going till you get you a good steam. Drink plenty of water and sweat as much as you can. Just keep telling yourself that you are fine and all you are dong is cleansing your body.
I promise you will feel so much better when you are done. Back then I had to take 4 to 6 pills just to get started now I can take one and be on my ass. Which is cheaper and not as damaging. lol If you ever chose to use again, just keep it light and remember that daily use is not good and got you where you are now. Just because you are here doesn't mean you can't still do your thing once you nut up and balance yourself back out. Like I said, you will feel better in every way when you get through it. It gets a little easier every day till you are aces again. Be strong friend.

 

[ghostandthedarknes]

My doctor cut me off 6 mg. clonazepam (nice guy that he was). I had 0 pills saved up because this happened with no warning. First 2-3 weeks were the worst. Hardly any sleep, and a huge mountain of anxiety. After week 3 i took 50 mg. of doxylamine at night to fall asleep for maybe 3-4 hours a night. My whole existence seemed like some warped illusion. If i was driving and i came to a red light, when it turned green i would wait for the car next to me to go first. I didn't trust my judgement anymore. Very slowly all this went away. It took me about 6 months to feel ok again.

 

[saramajara]

I don't really have any useful advice for you. I was on 4mg klonapin for about 3 years (rx ed)
I got locked up and spent about a month in jail during which time I has given a 3 day Ativan taper and nothing for heroin withdrawl. I'd never gone through benzo withdrawl before, and it was kinda confusing knowing which was which while withdrawing from opiates as well. Basically it felt like a super long shitty dope kick, that didnt improve much with time. And during the month a spent there by sleep never got back anywhere close to normal. 3 hrs night a few 1 hr daytime naps. From the benzos I'm guessing. When I got out I got back on my kpins, although cut my intake about in half. And later switched to methadone for my heroin habit and was able to just taper down by benzo use to zero bc I couldn't be on that and methadone.
I kicked benzos once before in rehab, although I had only been on them about a year. and they gave me phenobarbital. guess it worked cuz I didn't have any symptoms really. Although I think I'm one of the lucky ones that doesn't get bad withdrawl.
Just wanted to share my history in case you might get something from it? Good luck

 

[MGLA]

I was taking 8mg a day of Etiz for a year, went cold turkey had three days of paranoid delusions/ocd(No mental problems at all before hand) then siezed and had to taper with valium, i know a year isn't as long as many others on here but damn those WD's really sucked

 

[crazybollweevil]

6mg Klonnies a day for six years, clean almost three years now. it was hellish to kick, and i thought my mind would be corrupted forever. but, in fact, i can think again and my retardation only proved temporary

 

[Moreaux]

I took high doses of Xanax daily for about 10 years. Sometimes there would be either klonopin or Valium added to the mix, but not very frequent. Towards the end of my run I would also take ambien for sleep, though those didn't touch me, I would have to take at least 10 to start getting tired.

I went to rehab for alcoholism, and they made me go cold turkey on the benzos. I was given an antiseizure medication, and that was it. I was okay for the first 30 days, but then PAWS started getting bad. I had extreme anxiety, very limited cognitive function (speech, reasoning, coordination), and my memory was nil. I literally had to write everything down. I was barely functional - couldn't drive and couldn't cook because I would forget I was making food and would walk away. I also had a soul crushing depression set in, and was contemplating suicide. I knew it was PAWS, but it felt like it was taking forever. Around the 6 month point was the worse, then it slowly started getting better.

After two years off of benzos I started having a noticeable decrease in general anxiety (it was still bad but not like it was), and my memory was dramatically improving. I still had depression but it wasn't constant, and I was no longer suicidal. I suffered from really bad tics and twitches toward the end of my run with Xanax, that got worse when I stopped taking it - those got much better. I could drive again, though I got really bad frustration from driving. I would feel trapped by slow drivers, which would initiate panic attacks.

I've been off benzos for over five years now and almost feel normal. I still have anxiety from time to time, but it's not continuous and I seldom have a full scale panic attack. My sleep is much more consistent - still not great but manageable. I get the blues every now and then, but I wouldn't categorize it as depression. My memory is so much better, and I notice as time goes on it continues to improve. I believe my cognitive functioning have been restored to about 85% of what it was prior to benzos, and I notice that it also continues to improve.

I've tried going back to work off and on throughout this time. I'm a software developer, so obviously being congnitively impaired has made it difficult. I've worked a total of about three years during this time, at three different places. I found that I would have anxiety over both trying to perform my job function and getting easily distracted by loud coworkers. I resigned from all three positions. I want to go back to work now but am going to get a few certifications first so my knowledge is current. I am going to try to get a remote/telecommute position so I don't have to be around people and their quirks. For some reason, since getting clean I am really sensitive to both noise and smells. I have found in an office setting, people eat continuously and make the most disgusting mouth noises, and more often than not their food smells gross (ie fish, eggs, etc). I also don't understand why people bathe in perfum/cologne first thing in the morning, but I know I am sensitive so it's probably just me.

Sorry for the long post - I hope it helps. Good luck to you!

 

[mankind]

I used insane amounts of xanax and valium for about 18 months. By the end I was up to 80mg a day. EIGHTY. I swear to Christ that is true. I came off them super rapidly and had two grand mal seizures. It was brutal. I have never had withdrawal like that before and I am use to soul crushing heroin withdrawal. I was hallucinating for WEEKS! Anyway, after about 6 weeks I literally couldn't stand the not sleeping and hallucinating, and I started doing oxy and heroin again. It obviously masked the symptoms and I got caught up in opiate addiction again. Fast forward a year, I started doing xanax again, got up to super high doses again, and had two grand mal seizures AGAIN. It's been about 10 weeks since I last touch any benzo and I can honestly say that I feel like I have truly damaged my brain. 10 weeks off of heroin, hell, I'd be singing and dancing and be in the gym feeling great. This withdrawal is so drawn out it is terrible. I have a constant fog and mental block, and I always prided myself on my education and intelligence. I sleep 3 hours a night if I'm lucky. It really is a horrible, absolutely terrible drug. I don't remember the last three years of my life, other than all the enormous fuck ups. I will have people tell me events that happened and if you put a gun to my head I wouldn't be able to tell you if they occurred or not. 15 years of heavy hard opiate use was peanuts compared to the toll that about 3 years of heavy benzo use did to my head. I can only hope that it will eventually go away.

 

[mankind]

I took high doses of Xanax daily for about 10 years. Sometimes there would be either klonopin or Valium added to the mix, but not very frequent. Towards the end of my run I would also take ambien for sleep, though those didn't touch me, I would have to take at least 10 to start getting tired.

I went to rehab for alcoholism, and they made me go cold turkey on the benzos. I was given an antiseizure medication, and that was it. I was okay for the first 30 days, but then PAWS started getting bad. I had extreme anxiety, very limited cognitive function (speech, reasoning, coordination), and my memory was nil. I literally had to write everything down. I was barely functional - couldn't drive and couldn't cook because I would forget I was making food and would walk away. I also had a soul crushing depression set in, and was contemplating suicide. I knew it was PAWS, but it felt like it was taking forever. Around the 6 month point was the worse, then it slowly started getting better.

After two years off of benzos I started having a noticeable decrease in general anxiety (it was still bad but not like it was), and my memory was dramatically improving. I still had depression but it wasn't constant, and I was no longer suicidal. I suffered from really bad tics and twitches toward the end of my run with Xanax, that got worse when I stopped taking it - those got much better. I could drive again, though I got really bad frustration from driving. I would feel trapped by slow drivers, which would initiate panic attacks.

I've been off benzos for over five years now and almost feel normal. I still have anxiety from time to time, but it's not continuous and I seldom have a full scale panic attack. My sleep is much more consistent - still not great but manageable. I get the blues every now and then, but I wouldn't categorize it as depression. My memory is so much better, and I notice as time goes on it continues to improve. I believe my cognitive functioning have been restored to about 85% of what it was prior to benzos, and I notice that it also continues to improve.

I've tried going back to work off and on throughout this time. I'm a software developer, so obviously being congnitively impaired has made it difficult. I've worked a total of about three years during this time, at three different places. I found that I would have anxiety over both trying to perform my job function and getting easily distracted by loud coworkers. I resigned from all three positions. I want to go back to work now but am going to get a few certifications first so my knowledge is current. I am going to try to get a remote/telecommute position so I don't have to be around people and their quirks. For some reason, since getting clean I am really sensitive to both noise and smells. I have found in an office setting, people eat continuously and make the most disgusting mouth noises, and more often than not their food smells gross (ie fish, eggs, etc). I also don't understand why people bathe in perfum/cologne first thing in the morning, but I know I am sensitive so it's probably just me.

Sorry for the long post - I hope it helps. Good luck to you!

Wow...I feel like we share the same story about how we feel, especially the stuff at the end. Even after weeks clean off benzos, I'd be in the office staring at my computer, and feel like just couldn't comprehend anything. I have a masters degree from one of the best colleges in the country and I truly felt/feel like I am an imbecile. I would receive very standard, easy work to do, and I just couldn't comprehend it or bring myself to do it. Also you are so spot on about the food and smells. I ate a small bowl of oatmeal a day for many months, and whenever a coworker would be eating within a 15 foot radius of me I would have a blood hound sense of smell to the point it made me nauseous. The worst was that the next cubicle over was this Indian woman who always ate Indian food at her desk. I would have to focus so hard, or just leave, so I wouldn't vomit. This wasn't just a few days, keep in mind this was for WEEKS! The sounds too....wow. Someone would use a stapler? It would sound like a loud car accident when they would clamp it down. Someone twiddling their pen and tapping it on the desk? It would literally drive me mad and sound like a machine gun in my head. The ticks were also terrible, but they have finally gone away. Again for weeks, at least a few times a day, my arms would completely tense up to where they would be near my stomach, then I would make fists and invert my hands so my palms are up, and then I would clench my teeth and my head would drop back till it couldn't anymore. That was all involuntary too. That might have been the scariest part for me, because I thought I might be having another seizure again, and plus it was embarrassing as hell not being able to control it. People thought I was fucking insane.

 

[Moreaux]

I used insane amounts of xanax and valium for about 18 months. By the end I was up to 80mg a day. EIGHTY. I swear to Christ that is true. I came off them super rapidly and had two grand mal seizures. It was brutal. I have never had withdrawal like that before and I am use to soul crushing heroin withdrawal. I was hallucinating for WEEKS! Anyway, after about 6 weeks I literally couldn't stand the not sleeping and hallucinating, and I started doing oxy and heroin again. It obviously masked the symptoms and I got caught up in opiate addiction again. Fast forward a year, I started doing xanax again, got up to super high doses again, and had two grand mal seizures AGAIN. It's been about 10 weeks since I last touch any benzo and I can honestly say that I feel like I have truly damaged my brain. 10 weeks off of heroin, hell, I'd be singing and dancing and be in the gym feeling great. This withdrawal is so drawn out it is terrible. I have a constant fog and mental block, and I always prided myself on my education and intelligence. I sleep 3 hours a night if I'm lucky. It really is a horrible, absolutely terrible drug. I don't remember the last three years of my life, other than all the enormous fuck ups. I will have people tell me events that happened and if you put a gun to my head I wouldn't be able to tell you if they occurred or not. 15 years of heavy hard opiate use was peanuts compared to the toll that about 3 years of heavy benzo use did to my head. I can only hope that it will eventually go away.

Your brain will most likely heal - hang in there, it does get better. I hade several grand mal seizures coming off of Xanax, actually lost count, and thought I would be incompetent for the rest of my life. It took a while, but I did get better. I know coming off them sucks, and it takes an eternity to start feeling better, but it does happen.

 

[DeadElvis666]

Thank you for sharing your stories. My girlfriend has been on fairly high doses of benzo's since she was a teenager and she's in her early 30's now. She's barely able to function at 3 mgs xanax per day and she has crippling anxiety all day long. She can barely leave the house. She drinks to ease the anxiety. She also takes about 60-80 mgs of percocet each day. I had to take over her pills and now I keep them locked up and every morning before work I leave her with her daily allotment of pills. Otherwise she would use her monthly prescription in about 2 weeks. I'm trying to get her adjusted to her current prescription's dosage of 3 mgs xanax and 60 mgs percocet daily. We recently had a heroin binge but we're off it now.

Once she has become adjusted to this dosage, I'm going to gradually start her on a one year benzo taper. I'm concerned that it's going to be hellish for her. She already can't work and struggles to even do basic things like feed and bathe herself. I know it's going to be rough for her since she's struggling so much at her current dosage, and I can't even imagine how brutal it's going to be once I start her on a benzo taper. But I'm certain that much of her anxiety is the result of her benzo dependency. And I know that once she makes it off the benzos she'll feel so much better. I know the benzo's must be the main cause of her anxiety. They barely even seem to help her anymore. She's been doing high doses of kava and valerian and that seems to help a little bit. I know it's going to be a rough ride for her, but she's so messed up from the benzo's I am worried that it may take years of horrible withdrawal before she starts to feel better. Even at her current dosage she's a mess. I can't even imagine how bad she will be once the taper is over... last time she tried to lower her dose she had seizures. I know this is going to be a bumpy ride for her.

 

[Moreaux]

Thank you for sharing your stories. My girlfriend has been on fairly high doses of benzo's since she was a teenager and she's in her early 30's now. She's barely able to function at 3 mgs xanax per day and she has crippling anxiety all day long. She can barely leave the house. She drinks to ease the anxiety. She also takes about 60-80 mgs of percocet each day. I had to take over her pills and now I keep them locked up and every morning before work I leave her with her daily allotment of pills. Otherwise she would use her monthly prescription in about 2 weeks. I'm trying to get her adjusted to her current prescription's dosage of 3 mgs xanax and 60 mgs percocet daily. We recently had a heroin binge but we're off it now.

Once she has become adjusted to this dosage, I'm going to gradually start her on a one year benzo taper. I'm concerned that it's going to be hellish for her. She already can't work and struggles to even do basic things like feed and bathe herself. I know it's going to be rough for her since she's struggling so much at her current dosage, and I can't even imagine how brutal it's going to be once I start her on a benzo taper. But I'm certain that much of her anxiety is the result of her benzo dependency. And I know that once she makes it off the benzos she'll feel so much better. I know the benzo's must be the main cause of her anxiety. They barely even seem to help her anymore. She's been doing high doses of kava and valerian and that seems to help a little bit. I know it's going to be a rough ride for her, but she's so messed up from the benzo's I am worried that it may take years of horrible withdrawal before she starts to feel better. Even at her current dosage she's a mess. I can't even imagine how bad she will be once the taper is over... last time she tried to lower her dose she had seizures. I know this is going to be a bumpy ride for her.

If possible, you may want to take her to a doctor (not detox or rehab) and let them know what she's currently on and that she wants to taper off benzos. They can prescribe better support medication and discuss options with you. Go to the appointment with her, and see the doctor with her as she isn't likely to remeber everything that was discussed (speaking from experience). Just my opinion, as she is going to go through pure hell. It's physically and mentally painful, and takes a long time :/ good luck!