Mental Health Long ass rant

[Sksjdjeisnfkeishz]

Hey, just giving yall a warning this post is probably going to be long. Also it may be scattered around because i havent had my medication in the past few days that helps me focus because of my stupid ass pharmacy.

Most people dont understand what it is like to have the shit i do. And i know it shouldnt matter but it pisses me off. Espeically when people diagnose themselves with some of the actual diagnoses i have and they dont even know the true meaning of it.

At work i am my the boss's daughter and so i feel like i am expected to be the best. At least, I try to be the very best. I feel like people dont like me there because they think i get special treatnent, am lazy, spoiled, stupid, etc. I feel like people at work don't like me. And i know that the fact i think people do not like me will make them not like me.

I never had a boyfriend before. To my knowledge, ive never had actual sex (but i have given oral sex unwillingly to someone. I dont know if ive ever been raped while passed out). I want to do so with consent. I want to be with someone who i know very well amd love and vise versa.

Continuing on within the same subject, tbere is this guy who i talk to on instagram. Been talking to him on and off for months. Blocked him a few times then unblocked him because im desperate to be with someone. He threatens to leave me if i dont show him "what he likes". I have neber showed him myself naked but almost have really seriously. And he doesnt even speak the same language as me he used a translator. He lives in egypt.

He wants me to go to his country (i swear to god im not lying) and he refuses to wamt to get to know me. I am not going to his country i am not that stupid.

I think he only likes me because of how i look. He doesnt want to tell me anything aboout him, he calls me in the middle of the night which is in the day for him and he does not listen.

Truth is i think i like toxic people after being around them for so long. I like this guy amd i know hes not good for me. Should i block him and never talk to him again?

Look yall i want a boyfriend so bad but this guy is toxic as fuck.

Moving on, at work i dont have the time to pee, take my meds, and get water a lot of times. I love my job but its just so hectic and busy at times. I work really hard at what i do, i wash dishes at a restarsunt most of the time (not to mention i work with a really lazy dishwaher and hes almost 70 and so i do most of the work), sometimes work in the bakery, and rarely work preparing meat.

I get free rides to and from work and i get to work with my dad and i like some of the people at work. I just dont know what to do about work. My dad told me today i outta start taking breaks. I nevrr take breaks because whrn i get bsck its hectic as fuck (because of that lazy ass dishwasher). And that dishwasher takes breaks all the time. He gets away with being lazy because everyone feels bad for him.

They tried replacing him but the new dishwasher quit.

I have dreams about work all tje time. I wake up, work is on my mind. I go to sleep, work is on my mind. And i only work 35 hours a week (im in college thats why i dont work full time).

I quit therapy months ago. I think i outta start back again. But i dont like how they baby me and i honestly would much rather talk to people who arent professionals because they are realistic. Like shit man you think i can deep breathe my problems away when i got piles of dishes to do? I cant work slow at work sometimes. Otber positions do and it pisses me off how slow they can walk. But i dont want to switch positions. I dont want to talk about it but my anxiety is really bad when i work at the bakery.

I worked at the bakery today. I have trouble knowing when foods are done so i constantly ask if its done. I mainly prep the foods in the bakery or do the foods that dont require using the oven.

I feel like the customers are laughing at me when i work in the bakery. And when i eat after my shift in the banquet room i feel likr they are laughinf at how im eating. Or thinking about how im so disgusting.

I am in college to work in the mental health field, so i wont work in the restaraunt industry forever.

Please help. Sorry for long post. Please no negative comments. If you have something shitty to say dont bother saying it unless its going to help me. I feel like im goimg to have a mental breakdown again.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hey, just giving yall a warning this post is probably going to be long. Also it may be scattered around because i havent had my medication in the past few days that helps me focus because of my stupid ass pharmacy.

Most people dont understand what it is like to have the shit i do. And i know it shouldnt matter but it pisses me off. Espeically when people diagnose themselves with some of the actual diagnoses i have and they dont even know the true meaning of it.

At work i am my the boss's daughter and so i feel like i am expected to be the best. At least, I try to be the very best. I feel like people dont like me there because they think i get special treatnent, am lazy, spoiled, stupid, etc. I feel like people at work don't like me. And i know that the fact i think people do not like me will make them not like me.

I never had a boyfriend before. To my knowledge, ive never had actual sex (but i have given oral sex unwillingly to someone. I dont know if ive ever been raped while passed out). I want to do so with consent. I want to be with someone who i know very well amd love and vise versa.

Continuing on within the same subject, tbere is this guy who i talk to on instagram. Been talking to him on and off for months. Blocked him a few times then unblocked him because im desperate to be with someone. He threatens to leave me if i dont show him "what he likes". I have neber showed him myself naked but almost have really seriously. And he doesnt even speak the same language as me he used a translator. He lives in egypt.

He wants me to go to his country (i swear to god im not lying) and he refuses to wamt to get to know me. I am not going to his country i am not that stupid.

I think he only likes me because of how i look. He doesnt want to tell me anything aboout him, he calls me in the middle of the night which is in the day for him and he does not listen.

Truth is i think i like toxic people after being around them for so long. I like this guy amd i know hes not good for me. Should i block him and never talk to him again?

Look yall i want a boyfriend so bad but this guy is toxic as fuck.

Moving on, at work i dont have the time to pee, take my meds, and get water a lot of times. I love my job but its just so hectic and busy at times. I work really hard at what i do, i wash dishes at a restarsunt most of the time (not to mention i work with a really lazy dishwaher and hes almost 70 and so i do most of the work), sometimes work in the bakery, and rarely work preparing meat.

I get free rides to and from work and i get to work with my dad and i like some of the people at work. I just dont know what to do about work. My dad told me today i outta start taking breaks. I nevrr take breaks because whrn i get bsck its hectic as fuck (because of that lazy ass dishwasher). And that dishwasher takes breaks all the time. He gets away with being lazy because everyone feels bad for him.

They tried replacing him but the new dishwasher quit.

I have dreams about work all tje time. I wake up, work is on my mind. I go to sleep, work is on my mind. And i only work 35 hours a week (im in college thats why i dont work full time).

I quit therapy months ago. I think i outta start back again. But i dont like how they baby me and i honestly would much rather talk to people who arent professionals because they are realistic. Like shit man you think i can deep breathe my problems away when i got piles of dishes to do? I cant work slow at work sometimes. Otber positions do and it pisses me off how slow they can walk. But i dont want to switch positions. I dont want to talk about it but my anxiety is really bad when i work at the bakery.

I worked at the bakery today. I have trouble knowing when foods are done so i constantly ask if its done. I mainly prep the foods in the bakery or do the foods that dont require using the oven.

I feel like the customers are laughing at me when i work in the bakery. And when i eat after my shift in the banquet room i feel likr they are laughinf at how im eating. Or thinking about how im so disgusting.

I am in college to work in the mental health field, so i wont work in the restaraunt industry forever.

Please help. Sorry for long post. Please no negative comments. If you have something shitty to say dont bother saying it unless its going to help me. I feel like im goimg to have a mental breakdown again.

Hey honey I can really relate to a lot of what you've said. The "old me" i.e. the younger me (me aged 16-30) was very similar. I would subconsciously seek out toxic people because subconsciously that was what I felt like I deserved. And the way those people treated me reinforced the negative things I believed about myself such as I'm not loveable, I'm not worthy of good things, I'm not good enough, I'm destined to fail etc. It was a vicious cycle.

Yes absolutely you need to block this guy in Egypt. That is definitely a good idea. There is no future for you with him so why are you wasting your energy on him? The time and energy you spend chatting with him, you could be doing something healthy for yourself like seeing a therapist again or meeting up with a friend for coffee.

Which brings me to the next point, your therapist. Would you go back to the same one you were seeing? If you didn't like how they spoke to you e.g. "babied you", you can always find a different therapist. Your therapist shouldn't baby you, patronise you, make you feel uncomfortable at all, it should be easy to talk to them. So perhaps try someone new? It's up to you of course. But it sounds like you would benefit from some more therapy.

What changed for me, to get my head out of that funk...I guess it was the many many years of therapy and rehab all culminating together and finally "clicking" in my brain. Suddenly it all made sense and I didn't hate myself any more. Suddenly I realised that I do love myself and I AM worthy. From there, I could start to heal myself from all the self-destruction. Some of it was also just maturity. I turned 30 and something in my brain just gave up fighting itself. I remember feeling so exhausted from HATING myself for so long that I just gave in to love instead. It's so much easier and nicer.

And once you truly love and respect yourself, you dont allow anyone to treat you badly or abuse you any more.

 

[Snafu in the Void]

yo fuck that guy, don't let some asshole on the internet be your source of self esteem

I have dreams about work all tje time. I wake up, work is on my mind. I go to sleep, work is on my mind. And i only work 35 hours a week (im in college thats why i dont work full time).

you dream about what your brain is trying to improve on

have you ever heard the saying about when you start dreaming in a foreign language you are trying to learn, that's when you're really starting to learn it?

it's true

I used to be a talented chess player and I would dream in chess. Because chess is all I ever focused on.

You will start to dream anything you focus on most of the day. That's your brain growing to learn it. Dreams are constructive, not total nonsense.

I quit therapy months ago. I think i outta start back again. But i dont like how they baby me and i honestly would much rather talk to people who arent professionals because they are realistic.

I know exactly what you're talking about.

Hell, I know 10x more than these people when it comes to my problems, and it's like explaining it to robot in a way, they have a predictable response.

When I was younger they seemed more enthusiastic about helping me. As an adult, it seems much more of a hard sell.

I feel like the customers are laughing at me when i work in the bakery. And when i eat after my shift in the banquet room i feel likr they are laughinf at how im eating. Or thinking about how im so disgusting.

are these voices or thoughts in your head, anxiety?

I don't have have the best advice, all I can tell you is I'm a bit older than you (I think) and I've delt with similar problems. A broken man on the path to nowhere, very self conscious.

A man who has hated himself so much as to write a book about it. But I've thrown those manuscripts away. I've written a lot about myself... I've looked in the mirror and seen nothing but skeleton... death...

but I am here, writing this post, in the glory of my own madness.

It was in those times, those doubts and suffering, those nights of madness, that my character really formed.

We all age in different ways.

Suffering builds character. That's no lie.

the purpose of life is about finding the meaning of it all, even if it feels meaningless

 

[Sksjdjeisnfkeishz]

yo fuck that guy, don't let some asshole on the internet be your source of self esteem


you dream about what your brain is trying to improve on

have you ever heard the saying about when you start dreaming in a foreign language you are trying to learn, that's when you're really starting to learn it?

it's true

I used to be a talented chess player and I would dream in chess. Because chess is all I ever focused on.

You will start to dream anything you focus on most of the day. That's your brain growing to learn it. Dreams are constructive, not total nonsense.


I know exactly what you're talking about.

Hell, I know 10x more than these people when it comes to my problems, and it's like explaining it to robot in a way, they have a predictable response.

When I was younger they seemed more enthusiastic about helping me. As an adult, it seems much more of a hard sell.


are these voices or thoughts in your head, anxiety?

I don't have have the best advice, all I can tell you is I'm a bit older than you (I think) and I've delt with similar problems. A broken man on the path to nowhere, very self conscious.

A man who has hated himself so much as to write a book about it. But I've thrown those manuscripts away. I've written a lot about myself... I've looked in the mirror and seen nothing but skeleton... death...

but I am here, writing this post, in the glory of my own madness.

It was in those times, those doubts and suffering, those nights of madness, that my character really formed.

We all age in different ways.

Suffering builds character. That's no lie.

the purpose of life is about finding the meaning of it all, even if it feels meaningless

Thank you so much and well i physically hear laughing and sometimes my mind tries to think what the customers are saying and so i think they are talking shit about me but i suppose my anxiety and paranoia is really off the charts. Im not a schizophrenic, i just think my mind tries to make out words the customers are saying to each other and im getting it wrong in my head.

As for the therapist i do not plan on seeing my old therapist. I hated her because she babied me and wanted me to be in a placemebt last time i was seeing her and i didnt need that at all.

As for the dreams, i suppose i cant control it much all i can really do is have a laugh at it. One time i had a dream i was washing the dishes and when i woke up i thought my tapestry was the dish machine . My tapestry looks nothing like the dish machine.

As for the guy, i need to block him. Everyone tells me to do so. Every time i block him i unblock him. I know i need to really stop talking to him.

You really do understand me and thank you. My problem is i try to be at a point all the time where i dont need help but the truth is i do need help. I need a therapist, a break from work, etc. Again, thank u

 

[Snafu in the Void]

@Sksjdjeisnfkeishz they say don't believe everything you see on TV

the real saying should be "don't believe everything you think"

your brain will betray you willingly, it's only a calculator working with inputs

you have the choice in believing whatever it outputs

and you don't have to be insane or crazy to benefit from that advice

 

[n3ophy7e]

As for the guy, i need to block him. Everyone tells me to do so. Every time i block him i unblock him. I know i need to really stop talking to him.

It sounds like you may be codependent, like how I used to be in my past relationships. You block him because you know he is toxic and he doesnt care about you or respect you, then you unblock him because you crave the validation you get from his attention. I used to do the same thing in different ways. You need to find ways of filling your cup from within yourself, not from an external source. This can take years or even decades of therapy and practice though, to learn to be your own source of validation. But it's so worth the hard work. Much more meaningful and fulfilling than having to constantly seek validation from others.

My problem is i try to be at a point all the time where i dont need help but the truth is i do need help. I need a therapist, a break from work

The reality is that EVERYONE needs help. Everyone needs a fair work/life balance. In my opinion everyone should see a therapist. There's absolutely nothing wrong with needing help or needing therapy. In fact, it's the people who never acknowledge that they need help who end up being the most fucked up!

P.S. sorry of I'm off the mark with any of that, it's just that you reminded me of what I used to do when I was younger.

 

[imo_incolae]

It sounds like self esteem and relationship issues. The two go hand in hand and its usually the former that culminates in the latter. The responsibility to choose to improve the former improves the latter but its only when we start to embark on that journey to understand ourselves do we start to truly care about ourselves, our relationships and our development.

If you don't feel good about yourself its only natural you will project this out into the relationships you have in life. This then creates a self fulfilling prophecy whereby you believe (because everything seems to prove it to be true) you only deserve to experience the things that are unhealthy, dysfunctional, toxic, dangerous, risky etc. Because you create that reality it reinforces itself. So now you really whatever person you say you are in your mind in life because, you've helped to push it into existence.

And then you find people will come into your life attracted to that. And that's where toxic people come in. They only come in because the variables come together for their existence to manifest. Because you see yourself in certain ways, act, feel and think in certain ways and because this then has its reaction - viola, assholes appear! I always notice when my life is going a bit shitty shitty people tend to be easier to gravitate towards me. And its because I put the work in to reinforce that reality to exist. And when you put it like that it all makes sense. We are responsible for turning up in life and that then determines the quality of our relationships and our health and wellbeing. It makes things harder because now the responsibility lies with you whereas before it can be easier to blame something or someone else.

Maybe that responsibility itoday. es learning about healthy relationships because maybe we may have never had them and that's okay, lots of people have never known healthy secure and stable relationships and so they simply mirror what they have been taught and/or conditioned to believe is right. Responsibility may involve changing the way we live our lives in order to become better, stronger, wiser, more self aware, healthier, integrated etc. That might involve changing how we see lots of different things and then choosing to put something much more beneficial in their place. Learning better self regulation, better coping mechanisms, communication skills, accepting our weaknesses and improving them and capitalizing on our strengths.

Either way, understanding our role to play in the results we keep getting and why those results aren't what we want or feel we deserve is key. And that involves potentially accepting how we do things sometimes isn't in our best interests and how we live day to day might not be serving us. That's when we can set goals and start reaching for what we want more of and pulling away from what we don't. We have to reach that point though in the first place where we don't want to keep getting the same results! That's the hardest part of the process! So many people want to change but not enough to actually make it happen. They talk the talk but their lives demonstrate the same patterns, same fatal flaws, same underlying problems that they have managed to deal with by simply attempting to mask over the truth.

I know someone who is obsessed with toxic relationships. He puts on a macho attitude because he perceives this as something women are attracted by. He then comes along and assumes the warrior/hero but lacks the substance within himself to actually turn up to the relationship as himself. He may get the girl, for the time being while she's wowed by his show, but as soon as the curtain opens its game over. And so he only attracts those that stay around beyond the initial alarm bells ringing alluding to how dysfunctional this is going to be and they only stick around because, like him, they are running off a similar script. They believe they need a man like him because in their mind men like him are the best thing for them, despite all the evidence in past relationships and errors made saying otherwise. They come back to him because they know deep down (despite denying it) he is broken like she is. There is a weird sense of salvation in embracing something that is broken and dark. Its familiar and easier to accept than something unknown and new like something that isn't broken and dark.

But isn't that where change happens? At the point where it becomes unfamiliar and and unknown? I guess that's why its so fucking hard to change because change is so hard to accept. But we will never know if we don't try.

As soon as we are on that road, things start to change and we begin to naturally gravitate towards the things we want and the person we want to become. The people we once were attracted to (if they weren't healthy) are no longer there. What we used to do in order to cope with the issues we had is now something we are aware of and exchange for things we can do that actually help and benefit us. The life we live that once reflected a deep inner desire for things to change now reflects that change in real time and we have evidence for that change in the lives we live today.

I see relationships as reflections of ourselves.
Even though we are taught, especially in Western culture, to assume a victim-like mentality around our interactions with others ie things are done to us, the way people are is why we are like we are, blaming others and finding excuses etc, our relationships are mirrors of who we are. When we see it like that every interaction we have, every relationship we have, speaks volumes about the relationship we have not with them but with ourselves. And so the question is, what relationship DO we have with ourselves?

We always start with ourselves. Even when we have shit relationships, there we are. We are present. We chose to be in that relationship. We chose to make these decisions. We turned up. Can we accept that? Do we assume responsibility for those choices? Are we conscious of those choices before we make them? Or have we slowly over time attempted to distract ourselves in order to try and convince ourselves everything is okay?

 

[Opi_Kid_Rock]

Restaurant/Food Services industry work dynamics is known to be mostly toxic. Get out of that industry in order to improve your mental health. Speaking from firsthand experience.