Mental Health Living with addiction. Will it ever get better?

[WitchDr]

32 year old diagnosed with bipolar depression and severe anxiety at an early age an started on benzos, now I'm a 20 year benzo addict, 10 year opiate addict, 2 years on heroin. I'm off of heroin for 3 months, almost off of benzos an almost off of opiate medication to deal with withdrawals.

I'm making so much progress and yet feel nothing but dread. I'm trying to figure out life without drugs I feel like the years of use have left my mind and body empty of life and energy.
And now I remember why I started using drugs in the beginning. I don't have the nasty addiction completely controlling me anymore, which is great but now I remember how distressing life is how difficult it is to cope with mental illness. There is no relief an relapse constantly haunts me but I'm not giving up, I just don't know how I'm gonna survive this. How do I hold a job while in constant torment, how do I not give into relapse?
Drugs got me through work and life an now I'm struggling to be different but dont know if it's even possible.

 

[dopamimetic]

Yeah had/have the same question. How much does drug use and addiction cause chronic, permanent long term changes?
My current feeling is that it's not the drugs themselves but the emotional learning under the influence and while withdrawing. These things influence your personality, reshape your fears etc. but you can counter-act with willpower (and/or other/more drugs of course).

Interested to hear other opinions.

 

[WitchDr]

Yeah had/have the same question. How much does drug use and addiction cause chronic, permanent long term changes?
My current feeling is that it's not the drugs themselves but the emotional learning under the influence and while withdrawing. These things influence your personality, reshape your fears etc. but you can counter-act with willpower (and/or other/more drugs of course).

Interested to hear other opinions.

I'm trying to learn to deal with my emotions sober but it's hard without any relief. Can't use opiates cant use benzos can't drink really.
And Definitely not other drugs as there is no other drug. I've tried everything from anti anxiety to antidepressants to street drugs nothing helps

 

[dopamimetic]

I'm trying to learn to deal with my emotions sober but it's hard without any relief. Can't use opiates cant use benzos can't drink really.
And Definitely not other drugs as there is no other drug. I've tried everything from anti anxiety to antidepressants to street drugs nothing helps

Did you try dissociatives yet? They help with depression, anxiety and related emotional outbursts, K is officially approved now. Unfortunately not everybody responds to it and but these who do get almost miracle relief and need to dose only once every few days or even just once a week.

Buprenorphine being a kappa blocker can improve too but it doesn't lift mood or anxiety probably, it's more a change of mindset and absence of self destructive thought concepts.

Then last but not least we have DXM which can be used as an off label antidepressant at roughly 75-150mg/d. If you lack energy and drive on it (paradoxically even when it's a strong norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor this is possible) then the combination with bupropion is possible - this makes a beast of a stimulant, and is in late clinical trials currently.

Of course you need to want and to work on your emotions but I know just too well how much you can struggle on emotions.

 

[WitchDr]

Did you try dissociatives yet? They help with depression, anxiety and related emotional outbursts, K is officially approved now. Unfortunately not everybody responds to it and but these who do get almost miracle relief and need to dose only once every few days or even just once a week.

Buprenorphine being a kappa blocker can improve too but it doesn't lift mood or anxiety probably, it's more a change of mindset and absence of self destructive thought concepts.

Then last but not least we have DXM which can be used as an off label antidepressant at roughly 75-150mg/d. If you lack energy and drive on it (paradoxically even when it's a strong norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor this is possible) then the combination with bupropion is possible - this makes a beast of a stimulant, and is in late clinical trials currently.

Of course you need to want and to work on your emotions but I know just too well how much you can struggle on emotions.

Idk I haven't done dissociatives in clinical setting. I have smoked k but it's possible it could help if I did it clinically. Does insurance cover it an do I have to have primary Dr recommend me?
Cause my drs seem to have no ideas on what to do.
I've been on bupropion an it had no effect, I maxed out ssri's an don't really respond to the other variations like sdri or snri.
I do benifit from trazadone, an the mood stabilizer latuda, they help with sleep an anxiety but no help with energy levels an the depression.
Now I'm considering buprenorphine as the next step to my opiate taper, I tried it recently an had precipitated wd so I'm not ready for it just yet. But hoping the benefits of getting sober will help with the seriously overwhelming depression, otherwise I'm fucked

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

IMO/E: Yes; if one comes to terms with it all.
One may have to leave off dead-weight although it may be a want?
IDK

 

[WitchDr]

I'm 5 months off of heroin. I've tapered my morphine intake from 160 mgs a day down to 20 mgs a day sometimes less.

I'm still have zero energy, tons of anxiety, depression and still having minor withdrawals sometimes an can't sleep but overall it feels good to be getting further from the desperation of heroin.
I'm trying to stay positive.
I want to get off the morphine but taking a small amount doesn't get me any kind of high but does keep me from feeling out of control. So I think I need it or I should be ready for buprenorphine but at the same time feel I'm doing really well with the morphine. Either way I don't think going cold sober is a good idea. I have a life an can't afford to go hole up in a rehab, wish I could but I'm broke barley make rent let alone insurance.

 

[haldolhell]

I’ve tried heroin morphine luckily didn’t get addicted but benzos were really hard to stay away from especially when you have anxiety. Anyways I have 5-7 years of weed abuse and I know it’s just weed but I couldn’t imagine living without it 4 months off it got sorta better though life’s still dull :/

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

You'll always be in the recovery process.

Urges come and go, but your mental health will do nothing but improve.

 

[Shady's Fox]

Change your lifestyle because that's where all it starts from, all those slaps