Life spiraling out of control

[ladyhlove]

I've posted a few times on here, but I'm pretty new to BL. As a poster anyways, long time lurker

I'm a heroin addict. Snorter, not yet to shooting up but it is still making my life spiral out of control recently. I started, like most, with pain pills. It began recreationally for a few years, would take them when they were around which would be once or twice a year. When I met someone who had them on a regular basis, I began using more and more until it became everyday. I met a few other regular suppliers so it got to the point where I always had pills to buy and I was broke constantly. I did this for about a year and a half. Until the day one of my pill guys gave me a bit of heroin to try. Just the smallest of lines knocked me on my ass and I decided right then and there that it was a better idea to use H for money reasons than continue getting pills. My tolerance grew exponentially, as it does with H, and now its the only thing that can make me feel anything. I've been using H for roughly 8 months at this point. So, all in all, its been about 2 years of steady opioid use with occasional few day breaks.

I have a good job and an otherwise normal life. I pay my bills, have a great social life, and, up until a couple of days ago, had a beautiful relationship with one of the best guys I've ever been with. He does not use. He had caught me using a couple of times and did not tolerate it. I promised him I'd quit, but I didn't...I just got better at hiding it. I knew in the back of my head that I was going to lose him if I didn't quit, but I just kept going. My addict brain told me I would be able to quit on my own (one of these days) and it wouldn't happen..but 2 days ago, it finally did. He busted me chopping up lines on the living room table when I thought he was asleep, and he left me.

I'm in an incredible amount of pain from this breakup, as does he. He understands that I'm an addict and I never meant to hurt him, but he can't be with me with this much amount of mistrust in our relationship. I completely understand but am devastated. He doesn't want to break up with me, but he has to...I get it. We've been talking constantly throughout these past couple of days and he still loves me very much and this is killing him but he can't be with me until I make some major changes and sustain them for a good length of time. He constantly reminds me that he will be there for me, he just can't be with me right now. I want to get sober, and not just to win him back. I've been wanting to get sober, I've just been too afraid to admit it to him, my friends/family, and especially myself. I'm ready to try and work on it. I have so much left that I don't want to lose and I know it's only a matter of time before I do if I continue on the way I have.

I'm considering going into a suboxone program at the methadone clinic down the road. It's a 6 day a week kind of thing where they give you your dose, there's weekly drug tests, and you meet once a week with a therapist. I had been wanting to start this program for awhile now, but doing it would've made it obvious I was still using to my boyfriend and I was afraid he'd leave if he found out. Now that he's gone, I don't have that excuse. I know he may never retrust me or take me back, but I know I will never have a happy/healthy life or relationship with anyone as long as I keep using.

It's been 2 days, but I've still been using H. Honestly, I'm still in so much pain from this breakup I think I might do something really stupid (like self harm) if I go through withdrawls on top of that. I already get a mind numbing depression from WDs, having those right now sounds like a hell I can't even imagine. My only fear with suboxone is that I've heard its incredibly hard to get off of. I wish I could just stop, but I've tried that in the past and it didn't work. I know I need more help than that and need to figure out the root of my continued need to numb myself with opiates. The program near me only does intakes on Mon and Tues and (with it being Thurs), I wont be able to start until next week.

Any suggestions regarding suboxone or any other advice would be appreciated. I really just needed to get this out there. Thanks BL

 

[Jabberwocky]

Your fears about getting off buprenorphine are very normal. The reality is that coming off buprenorphine effectively requires work, yes, but it does not have to be unmanageable whatsoever. With a taper, comfort meds and peer support of some kind it can actually be quite easeful.

The most significant aspect, and what most people have time with, is that coming off buprenorphine requires planning ahead a lot in advance. Part of that is because it is extremely important to engage in a slow, comfortable taper. The other part of that is getting the proper comfort meds lined up ahead of time with a doctor, so that when the time comes to transition off you already have an effective plan in place to deal with the acute withdrawal.

So the idea is that buprenorphine treatment is a long term commitment. However, that's actually a good thing, as recovery is a long term process. It took you years to get to this point, so to me it isn't at all reasonable to expect you to overcome all of it in short order. I can't tell you how long I tried different approaches to recovery until I found what worked for me. What's important is that you do whatever you can to keep yourself (a) alive, (b) avoiding criminal issues and (c) as healthy as possible you figure out your own approach. Buprenorphine seems like it would help support that for you.

I see zero reason for you not to get on buprenorphine. It isn't a panacea and you'll still have to do other work to get where you want in your life as an individual, but it can provide the kind of foundational stability that really enhances other aspects of recovery, development and life. There is still a hell of a lot of myths and stigma surrounding buprenorphine treatment, but it would be a great step for you to take.

Have you tried anything else besides this in terms of treatment?

 

[ladyhlove]

The only things I have tried are lope and CT. However, I've never been really committed to getting clean truly until now. Before, when I went off opiates it was not by choice and usually because of a financial reason or a problem finding opiates. This is truly my first attempt at getting clean and really wanting to do it.

I really do not want to go on methadone, but I'm wondering if I will have to. I do not have an IV habit but my heroin habit has gotten substantially larger (especially after this breakup...I've gone on a bit of a bender in the last few days). I'm using about 2 grams a day of EC powder. Snorted...not shot or smoked...but still, I know its a lot. I took 3 30mg roxys about a week ago and it didn't even touch my WDs so I know my tolerance is very high at the moment. I'm afraid the suboxone isn't going to help at all.

 

[cj]

My advice is too try and do it without maintenance once. Give it a real shot but if you fail get on subs for 6 months. It won't be that bad coming off after 6 months. It'll give you a solid shot at recovery with a low downside.