Kosmos7
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 10, 2007
- Messages
- 73
Hey guys. Another kratom-fighter here. I'm currently on day 5 of cutting it 'cold turkey' and it's pretty awful but I think I'm starting to turn a corner with some of the withdrawal symptoms (the physical ones, at least). It's a bit encouraging, but I know I'm only at the start of a long battle to true sobriety.
Firstly, I'd just like to say that this is a great thread with some great words and advice. Kudos to those of you who are on the right path and fighting that fight. Especially pods; your positivity is great.
My (familiar) story: ordered an ounce of kratom last September after hearing all the nice things about it, and I've always been one to experiment with substances. I've enjoyed the occasional roxy/oxy, but never had a habit with them, mostly because they are way too expensive, but also because I knew and heard of tons of people in my town who had serious problems with the stuff. That and I just never really had a problem with addiction. I smoked weed on and off but never found it to be difficult to quit. Never been a big drinker. This is where the kratom is sneaky and charming, though. It's legal, relatively cheap (compared to pharm opiates), 'natural,' and generally has a pretty decent reputation. And I of course could never get addicted to anything; I was beyond that, I thought. So my guard was down.
The other element that led to my abuse of the stuff is that I suffer from depression and anxiety, which seems to be a common thread between all of us who have found ourselves in a bad relationship with this plant. Alcohol never made me feel better like it does for some people; after a few months of regular weed-smoking I would just get really bored with it and stop without any serious issues, and it didn't help me otherwise.
Kratom though, seemed to give me strength. It just made me feel good, with extra motivation and desire for socialization. It kind of seemed to cure me of my depression/anxiety. From early on though, I wasn't really so naive as to think this plant was the answer. To be honest, I was pretty self-aware that I was abusing the plant from pretty early on (after I got a feel for it). I hoped/expected it would give me the strength to improve my life in various ways. Ultimately it might have improved my performance at work, but other than that it didn't really affect my life in a positive way, aside from just making me feel nice. Artificial internal well-being. Completely selfish, and lazy, in a way. Instead of working hard to build a quality, healthy life, I skipped the hard stuff and just ate some plant powder to give me some instant satisfaction. You all know the drill, there.
Anyway, after a month or two I was having a 10g or so dose every night after work, pretty much without missing a dose. Only when I was late on ordering more did I miss one, and after making that mistake a couple times I learned to be well-stocked so as to not have to go through that rough 24-48 hours. Maybe 5 months in I went to doing 2 smaller (maybe 5-7g) doses per day, one to start my day and one to end it. At some point around then I got into the habit of taking a moderate dose before work, which became pretty necessary as working with the short-term withdrawals or comedown effects was pretty unpleasant, and working while on a fresh dose was much more pleasant and effective.
It was like 3 months ago that I decided to start cutting down. I began to only take enough to make me feel normal/functional, instead of an amount that would be more like a high. Of course, I started to experience more and more unpleasant hours in my day, and I got to a point where I felt like I needed 3 small doses per day instead of two. One to start my day (which is usually my work dose), one after work (so I could actually enjoy the rest of my day/night and be somewhat productive), and one slightly smaller one later in the night to get me a decent night's rest. It was around this time that I started to really hate this substance; or moreso, hate that I felt enslaved to it. Hated being miserable and useless without it. Hated knowing that I wouldn't be able to be a good friend, a good son, etc. without eating this horrible-tasting plant three times a day. Once again, if you are reading this you know the feeling. I basically got to a point where I decided, fuck this. No more. If I'm eating this awful-tasting stuff three times a day just to feel normal, then what's the point? Why spend the money to eat this nasty powdered plant that makes me feel 'decent' for an hour or two.
It's crazy how you get sucked into it. I pretty much knew it was bad news for me from very early on, but didn't do anything about it until the negatives overwhelmed and upset me. I used it to fill a void, and it ended up creating a bigger void. Now I have stopped using it and all there is is one very large void.
I have cheated a bit, though, since quitting. I got some percocet from a friend and have used 7.5mg doses of it before work to allow me to function. I know this will only slow the process, but I can't afford to take time off work, and being at work is a hell of a lot better than laying in bed at home, tossing and turning with complete physical and mental discomfort. I find that being active helps. I suppose it distracts from the negative aspects. It's sort of like going to work sick; you kind of forget that you're sick because you are so busy. I also happen to be a month into opening a new restaurant. I'm a server, and there's no way I could handle running around, taking care of 6 different tables, timing out a dozen different meals, composing myself and being pleasant to customers and co-workers, etc. if I were going through the pure withdrawals.
So my plan, sort of, is to use the percocet for work and when I have other engagements that require a certain level of focus/composure etc. for the first five days. No kratom, but 15mg of percocet a day instead. Today will be the last of the percocet, and I definitely won't be getting anymore because that shit is expensive and obviously I don't want to develop another bad habit. Even with the small percocet doses, that only buys me about 2 hours of feeling pretty good, another 2 hours of feeling 'ok', and then the withdrawal symptoms quickly creep back in and it's back to the bottom.
I also happened to buy some etizolam a couple weeks ago, and so I've been taking those to help me sleep (though they are so short-acting that I sometimes have to get up and take more to get back to sleep). Also been taking smaller doses here and there during the day to ease my mind a bit, though it's far from a complete cure of the psychological symptoms. I also find that weed can either help or make things worse. I'm careful about when I have a smoke, because sometimes it'll just make me really sleepy in a bad kind of way, so I have to lie down, and up with a couple hours of really bad sleep that I wake up feeling horrible from.
I feel like there's more I should elaborate on as far as my recent recovery regiment, but I need a break from blabbing my boring story. Just wanted to join the club, I guess. Don't really have anyone IRL I can go to; I was glad to find this thread.
Firstly, I'd just like to say that this is a great thread with some great words and advice. Kudos to those of you who are on the right path and fighting that fight. Especially pods; your positivity is great.
My (familiar) story: ordered an ounce of kratom last September after hearing all the nice things about it, and I've always been one to experiment with substances. I've enjoyed the occasional roxy/oxy, but never had a habit with them, mostly because they are way too expensive, but also because I knew and heard of tons of people in my town who had serious problems with the stuff. That and I just never really had a problem with addiction. I smoked weed on and off but never found it to be difficult to quit. Never been a big drinker. This is where the kratom is sneaky and charming, though. It's legal, relatively cheap (compared to pharm opiates), 'natural,' and generally has a pretty decent reputation. And I of course could never get addicted to anything; I was beyond that, I thought. So my guard was down.
The other element that led to my abuse of the stuff is that I suffer from depression and anxiety, which seems to be a common thread between all of us who have found ourselves in a bad relationship with this plant. Alcohol never made me feel better like it does for some people; after a few months of regular weed-smoking I would just get really bored with it and stop without any serious issues, and it didn't help me otherwise.
Kratom though, seemed to give me strength. It just made me feel good, with extra motivation and desire for socialization. It kind of seemed to cure me of my depression/anxiety. From early on though, I wasn't really so naive as to think this plant was the answer. To be honest, I was pretty self-aware that I was abusing the plant from pretty early on (after I got a feel for it). I hoped/expected it would give me the strength to improve my life in various ways. Ultimately it might have improved my performance at work, but other than that it didn't really affect my life in a positive way, aside from just making me feel nice. Artificial internal well-being. Completely selfish, and lazy, in a way. Instead of working hard to build a quality, healthy life, I skipped the hard stuff and just ate some plant powder to give me some instant satisfaction. You all know the drill, there.
Anyway, after a month or two I was having a 10g or so dose every night after work, pretty much without missing a dose. Only when I was late on ordering more did I miss one, and after making that mistake a couple times I learned to be well-stocked so as to not have to go through that rough 24-48 hours. Maybe 5 months in I went to doing 2 smaller (maybe 5-7g) doses per day, one to start my day and one to end it. At some point around then I got into the habit of taking a moderate dose before work, which became pretty necessary as working with the short-term withdrawals or comedown effects was pretty unpleasant, and working while on a fresh dose was much more pleasant and effective.
It was like 3 months ago that I decided to start cutting down. I began to only take enough to make me feel normal/functional, instead of an amount that would be more like a high. Of course, I started to experience more and more unpleasant hours in my day, and I got to a point where I felt like I needed 3 small doses per day instead of two. One to start my day (which is usually my work dose), one after work (so I could actually enjoy the rest of my day/night and be somewhat productive), and one slightly smaller one later in the night to get me a decent night's rest. It was around this time that I started to really hate this substance; or moreso, hate that I felt enslaved to it. Hated being miserable and useless without it. Hated knowing that I wouldn't be able to be a good friend, a good son, etc. without eating this horrible-tasting plant three times a day. Once again, if you are reading this you know the feeling. I basically got to a point where I decided, fuck this. No more. If I'm eating this awful-tasting stuff three times a day just to feel normal, then what's the point? Why spend the money to eat this nasty powdered plant that makes me feel 'decent' for an hour or two.
It's crazy how you get sucked into it. I pretty much knew it was bad news for me from very early on, but didn't do anything about it until the negatives overwhelmed and upset me. I used it to fill a void, and it ended up creating a bigger void. Now I have stopped using it and all there is is one very large void.
I have cheated a bit, though, since quitting. I got some percocet from a friend and have used 7.5mg doses of it before work to allow me to function. I know this will only slow the process, but I can't afford to take time off work, and being at work is a hell of a lot better than laying in bed at home, tossing and turning with complete physical and mental discomfort. I find that being active helps. I suppose it distracts from the negative aspects. It's sort of like going to work sick; you kind of forget that you're sick because you are so busy. I also happen to be a month into opening a new restaurant. I'm a server, and there's no way I could handle running around, taking care of 6 different tables, timing out a dozen different meals, composing myself and being pleasant to customers and co-workers, etc. if I were going through the pure withdrawals.
So my plan, sort of, is to use the percocet for work and when I have other engagements that require a certain level of focus/composure etc. for the first five days. No kratom, but 15mg of percocet a day instead. Today will be the last of the percocet, and I definitely won't be getting anymore because that shit is expensive and obviously I don't want to develop another bad habit. Even with the small percocet doses, that only buys me about 2 hours of feeling pretty good, another 2 hours of feeling 'ok', and then the withdrawal symptoms quickly creep back in and it's back to the bottom.
I also happened to buy some etizolam a couple weeks ago, and so I've been taking those to help me sleep (though they are so short-acting that I sometimes have to get up and take more to get back to sleep). Also been taking smaller doses here and there during the day to ease my mind a bit, though it's far from a complete cure of the psychological symptoms. I also find that weed can either help or make things worse. I'm careful about when I have a smoke, because sometimes it'll just make me really sleepy in a bad kind of way, so I have to lie down, and up with a couple hours of really bad sleep that I wake up feeling horrible from.
I feel like there's more I should elaborate on as far as my recent recovery regiment, but I need a break from blabbing my boring story. Just wanted to join the club, I guess. Don't really have anyone IRL I can go to; I was glad to find this thread.