teological
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 28, 2011
- Messages
- 475
Hey guys, not sure if this belongs here, but I thought it would give some encouragement, and I also want to get my story across, as I still also am in disbelief.
The person who loves drugs more than me, does not exist. I am the hardest addict of the hard, just careful/paranoid/harm reduction. I would not inject heroin, for example.
My first love was marijuana, and I soon got into meth, amphetamine, mdma, ketamine you name it. One day I discovered opiates. At the same time the weed and mixture of substances (weed starting doing it alone without polysubstance abuse), I started to hear voices and had extreme paranoia. I slowly cut out weed and stuck to the new opiate high I found out about. Bang, ten years go by. I tried to quit many times, in those 10 years, I last 3 months ONCE which was when I was overseas and I counted it as a "tolerance break". Any other attempt did not get past the 48 hour stage, ever. My favourite became heroin.
I started to study at a college, and I was doing well, but the heroin (I had to dose in the morning to avoid WD and at night) was definitely clowding my mine. During this time I was also diagnosed with PTSD. I always thought I had caught schitzophrenia from the weed. Once I found out this diagnosis, everything made sense and all of a sudden I felt this weight lift off my shoulders. I had a hunch that weed would not bring back those hallucinations, and I was angry that the heroin was making me forget things I learnt the day before and just making my life go passsed so quick. I decided to try weed at night, one night after a 8? year hiatus (I smoked a few times during that time, but got auditory hallucinations instantly so stopped).
I took one puff off a bong, and I was flying high. Difference was, no paranoia at all. My heart was beating out my chest no paranoia. No voices. I tried a few more times as a test to see. Nothing, just enjoyable. I decided then and then, fuck it. I know this is substituting, but it is for the greater good.
That was 6 months ago. I still smoke less than a cone a night before bed and get smashed and helps me sleep. Otherwise during the day I am sober as can be. The withdrawals were nothing that bad. Before when I used to try, the withdrawals would win. This time, I just wanted to quit, I didnt care, and at one stage while I was stoned I forgot I even stopped using and remembered.
I can not believe it. I would be the last person on earth I thought this would happen to. I realized, I grew up. My reaction to weed has proven that and the fact I also have no cravings whatsoever. I just wanted to stop, and I did.
I have learnt so much from this experience. People do change. You do mature, and if you really in your deepest of hearts, stone like motivation and want to quit, you can. It is that little bit in you, and the problems in your life keeping you choosing to get high all day instead of experiencing the world.
I wasted so much of my life. I have no memories, just a blur. No life feels so different. I remember shit. I know what happened yesterday or what I learnt from that book. Heck watching tv, talking with people, doing everyday things is so much fun clear headed. I feel like the heroin forced me to have good social skills, and now that I am clean my skills are through the roof even more.
You can quit. If I did it, ANYONE living on the planet can. Anyone. You just have to want to. Not 99 percent, actually 100 percent. There has to be a purpose for you to want to quit, that outweighs staying high and going through the same old thing day after day.
The person who loves drugs more than me, does not exist. I am the hardest addict of the hard, just careful/paranoid/harm reduction. I would not inject heroin, for example.
My first love was marijuana, and I soon got into meth, amphetamine, mdma, ketamine you name it. One day I discovered opiates. At the same time the weed and mixture of substances (weed starting doing it alone without polysubstance abuse), I started to hear voices and had extreme paranoia. I slowly cut out weed and stuck to the new opiate high I found out about. Bang, ten years go by. I tried to quit many times, in those 10 years, I last 3 months ONCE which was when I was overseas and I counted it as a "tolerance break". Any other attempt did not get past the 48 hour stage, ever. My favourite became heroin.
I started to study at a college, and I was doing well, but the heroin (I had to dose in the morning to avoid WD and at night) was definitely clowding my mine. During this time I was also diagnosed with PTSD. I always thought I had caught schitzophrenia from the weed. Once I found out this diagnosis, everything made sense and all of a sudden I felt this weight lift off my shoulders. I had a hunch that weed would not bring back those hallucinations, and I was angry that the heroin was making me forget things I learnt the day before and just making my life go passsed so quick. I decided to try weed at night, one night after a 8? year hiatus (I smoked a few times during that time, but got auditory hallucinations instantly so stopped).
I took one puff off a bong, and I was flying high. Difference was, no paranoia at all. My heart was beating out my chest no paranoia. No voices. I tried a few more times as a test to see. Nothing, just enjoyable. I decided then and then, fuck it. I know this is substituting, but it is for the greater good.
That was 6 months ago. I still smoke less than a cone a night before bed and get smashed and helps me sleep. Otherwise during the day I am sober as can be. The withdrawals were nothing that bad. Before when I used to try, the withdrawals would win. This time, I just wanted to quit, I didnt care, and at one stage while I was stoned I forgot I even stopped using and remembered.
I can not believe it. I would be the last person on earth I thought this would happen to. I realized, I grew up. My reaction to weed has proven that and the fact I also have no cravings whatsoever. I just wanted to stop, and I did.
I have learnt so much from this experience. People do change. You do mature, and if you really in your deepest of hearts, stone like motivation and want to quit, you can. It is that little bit in you, and the problems in your life keeping you choosing to get high all day instead of experiencing the world.
I wasted so much of my life. I have no memories, just a blur. No life feels so different. I remember shit. I know what happened yesterday or what I learnt from that book. Heck watching tv, talking with people, doing everyday things is so much fun clear headed. I feel like the heroin forced me to have good social skills, and now that I am clean my skills are through the roof even more.
You can quit. If I did it, ANYONE living on the planet can. Anyone. You just have to want to. Not 99 percent, actually 100 percent. There has to be a purpose for you to want to quit, that outweighs staying high and going through the same old thing day after day.