Keif' In Love: A Tale of Emotional Redemption Through Sex... and Cats

[Keif' Richards]

Hello everyone. Welcome to the inner workings of my fucked up, overly sensitive, juvenile mind. I have recently thrown my hat into the ring to become moderator of this sub-forum, so, with that in mind, I thought "hey, why don't I go ahead and share some of my most personal problems with people on Bluelight?" I couldn't think of a good enough reason not to and once I start typing, the momentum just carries me. What you're about to hear/read is entirely true. It is my version of events... so, mostly true.

I was recently in Illinois, for about 6 months. I've been "sober" for a while, but for a lot of personal reasons, I really haven't openly pursued trying to find a girlfriend at all. I had a couple of relationships that I ruined, more or less because of my addictions. I never hit a woman or anything fucked up like that, but I guess you can be a complete asshole just by being emotionally cold. That's what addiction is like for me. I tend to just shut people out completely, not by intent, it just happens. I have made some people feel pretty badly. It just wasn't something that I really thought I could do, as I had been such an apparent asshole on so many occasions.

I go to this store every morning to get coffee, red bull.. whatever. It becomes a habit. I see this chick there in the mornings and suddenly I'm going there all the time. She's got a boyfriend, I guess. I always talk to her when I'm there. She's working full time at this gas station, but she's aspiring to be a phlebotomist, so she's taken a job at the hospital in pursuit of that as a career path. For what my opinion is worth, she is wicked smart. She's also beautiful. She had this personality that was kind of stoic, but I was able to make her laugh, so I thought I could use the laughs as a temporary beachhead toward getting to know her.

Eventually, she doesn't have a boyfriend anymore... I guess. She says we can go out on a date. This would be technically, like the 3rd time I had implied I would take her out on a date. She finally accepted, but I figured the whole time that I would be able to turn her. I just felt that there was something there between us and I was willing to gamble that she was feeling it too. I kind of took her accepting all of this to mean she did feel something.

We went to see Dune. I fell asleep partway through and felt like a jackass. We end up going outside and at this point, I'm pretty sure she's going to leave and that's going to be the end of this entire situation, which I probably would have deserved. Well, we end up going back to her apartment and hang out and have sex. We talk extensively on the first date and she shares some pretty heavy stuff with me, as I do her. I'm not really sure why. It wasn't "first date" shit by any stretch. It was definitely a big swap of mutual fucked-upedness. She had had experience with drugs and was likewise trying to do better. She had had abusive boyfriends.

I was pretty attached after the one date. It had been a while, but there was something that was leading me to believe that this was to be something... more. I end up texting her the next day. She's pissed off at me for basically pushing her into a situation where we had sex, which she said was not what she wanted. I of course, felt like a jerk, because I had absolutely not received any vibe of that sort. I just thought I must be seriously out of touch. I apologize.

She was really into the Magic card game. I knew what it was because I had two brothers who were relentlessly into the fantasy shit. I'd played it and she was excited that I knew what it was. She had said we would check it out when we went back to her apartment the first night. That had been part of the rationale. When she texted me back the following day, part of what she said was so upsetting was that I never even looked at her cards. I had to admit.. yup. Shitty.

We don't hang out for almost a week. I assume it's done with essentially and I'm ready to accept that. Well, she ends up wanting to hang out again. I go over and help her clean her apartment and I meet her cat for the first time. I was basically violating any "rules" or "games" at this point, because I agree to help do her laundry and clean her apartment in exchange for a chance to see her again. Again, I get her to accept. Well, we end up together again and this time it's like automatic. We talk for hours and I end up sleeping over. She has issues with pain and after all is said and done, I end up rubbing her down. I was having issues with my Methadone clinic when I was out in Illinois. Bureaucratic shit. I didn't tell her about it, but I was really too sick to go to sleep. I stay.

We end up doing that every day that week. I'm over at her place, I end up holding onto her for most of the night while she holds onto me. It was really kind of a lot all at once. I had gotten a lot of these mixed signals from the beginning. I don't want to call them mixed signals really, because they're just signals that I couldn't and still don't fully understand. This is both because I'm really out of practice and also, just because I wouldn't know anyway.

One night, I'm over at her house, doing the same thing we had done basically. I really am not feeling good and I'm not entirely sure why. I had been kind of back and forth with my Methadone all week and hadn't felt great, but had been able to hold it together. As a lot of you know, I've had myoclonic seizures in the past that are idopathic. I wasn't really sure what exactly was going on. She wants me to go to the hospital. I say no repeatedly. I decide I'm going to leave. She's begging me not to. I put my stuff on, she starts crying, my memory gets hazy. I wake up a few hours later on her bed. She basically tells me to leave.

The next day, I'm trying to figure everything out with her. I'm trying my best to fix the situation. It had only been a few dates, but I was just thinking there was something special about her. I just felt that it was something worth fighting for and I didn't know why.

She says to leave her alone. I ask her to leave my stuff outside. That's it. I end up sending her a text that I'm never going to contact her again and I get no response. It's been about 3 weeks now. It was a tumultuous thing. I didn't really know what I was doind right and what I was doing wrong. I felt we had a connection of some kind. I felt like she was feeling those same things. At this point, I don't know if I should try. Part of me wants to try talking to her. The "leave me alone" was, what felt like part of a long string of her being like that, despite, I guess, doing things completely differently. When we were hanging out, it was great. We talked and shared stuff and that was the part I miss the most.

Not sure how I should proceed. Open to opinions.

 

[Robi]

Hello everyone. Welcome to the inner workings of my fucked up, overly sensitive, juvenile mind. I have recently thrown my hat into the ring to become moderator of this sub-forum, so, with that in mind, I thought "hey, why don't I go ahead and share some of my most personal problems with people on Bluelight?" I couldn't think of a good enough reason not to and once I start typing, the momentum just carries me. What you're about to hear/read is entirely true. It is my version of events... so, mostly true.

I was recently in Illinois, for about 6 months. I've been "sober" for a while, but for a lot of personal reasons, I really haven't openly pursued trying to find a girlfriend at all. I had a couple of relationships that I ruined, more or less because of my addictions. I never hit a woman or anything fucked up like that, but I guess you can be a complete asshole just by being emotionally cold. That's what addiction is like for me. I tend to just shut people out completely, not by intent, it just happens. I have made some people feel pretty badly. It just wasn't something that I really thought I could do, as I had been such an apparent asshole on so many occasions.

I go to this store every morning to get coffee, red bull.. whatever. It becomes a habit. I see this chick there in the mornings and suddenly I'm going there all the time. She's got a boyfriend, I guess. I always talk to her when I'm there. She's working full time at this gas station, but she's aspiring to be a phlebotomist, so she's taken a job at the hospital in pursuit of that as a career path. For what my opinion is worth, she is wicked smart. She's also beautiful. She had this personality that was kind of stoic, but I was able to make her laugh, so I thought I could use the laughs as a temporary beachhead toward getting to know her.

Eventually, she doesn't have a boyfriend anymore... I guess. She says we can go out on a date. This would be technically, like the 3rd time I had implied I would take her out on a date. She finally accepted, but I figured the whole time that I would be able to turn her. I just felt that there was something there between us and I was willing to gamble that she was feeling it too. I kind of took her accepting all of this to mean she did feel something.

We went to see Dune. I fell asleep partway through and felt like a jackass. We end up going outside and at this point, I'm pretty sure she's going to leave and that's going to be the end of this entire situation, which I probably would have deserved. Well, we end up going back to her apartment and hang out and have sex. We talk extensively on the first date and she shares some pretty heavy stuff with me, as I do her. I'm not really sure why. It wasn't "first date" shit by any stretch. It was definitely a big swap of mutual fucked-upedness. She had had experience with drugs and was likewise trying to do better. She had had abusive boyfriends.

I was pretty attached after the one date. It had been a while, but there was something that was leading me to believe that this was to be something... more. I end up texting her the next day. She's pissed off at me for basically pushing her into a situation where we had sex, which she said was not what she wanted. I of course, felt like a jerk, because I had absolutely not received any vibe of that sort. I just thought I must be seriously out of touch. I apologize.

She was really into the Magic card game. I knew what it was because I had two brothers who were relentlessly into the fantasy shit. I'd played it and she was excited that I knew what it was. She had said we would check it out when we went back to her apartment the first night. That had been part of the rationale. When she texted me back the following day, part of what she said was so upsetting was that I never even looked at her cards. I had to admit.. yup. Shitty.

We don't hang out for almost a week. I assume it's done with essentially and I'm ready to accept that. Well, she ends up wanting to hang out again. I go over and help her clean her apartment and I meet her cat for the first time. I was basically violating any "rules" or "games" at this point, because I agree to help do her laundry and clean her apartment in exchange for a chance to see her again. Again, I get her to accept. Well, we end up together again and this time it's like automatic. We talk for hours and I end up sleeping over. She has issues with pain and after all is said and done, I end up rubbing her down. I was having issues with my Methadone clinic when I was out in Illinois. Bureaucratic shit. I didn't tell her about it, but I was really too sick to go to sleep. I stay.

We end up doing that every day that week. I'm over at her place, I end up holding onto her for most of the night while she holds onto me. It was really kind of a lot all at once. I had gotten a lot of these mixed signals from the beginning. I don't want to call them mixed signals really, because they're just signals that I couldn't and still don't fully understand. This is both because I'm really out of practice and also, just because I wouldn't know anyway.

One night, I'm over at her house, doing the same thing we had done basically. I really am not feeling good and I'm not entirely sure why. I had been kind of back and forth with my Methadone all week and hadn't felt great, but had been able to hold it together. As a lot of you know, I've had myoclonic seizures in the past that are idopathic. I wasn't really sure what exactly was going on. She wants me to go to the hospital. I say no repeatedly. I decide I'm going to leave. She's begging me not to. I put my stuff on, she starts crying, my memory gets hazy. I wake up a few hours later on her bed. She basically tells me to leave.

The next day, I'm trying to figure everything out with her. I'm trying my best to fix the situation. It had only been a few dates, but I was just thinking there was something special about her. I just felt that it was something worth fighting for and I didn't know why.

She says to leave her alone. I ask her to leave my stuff outside. That's it. I end up sending her a text that I'm never going to contact her again and I get no response. It's been about 3 weeks now. It was a tumultuous thing. I didn't really know what I was doind right and what I was doing wrong. I felt we had a connection of some kind. I felt like she was feeling those same things. At this point, I don't know if I should try. Part of me wants to try talking to her. The "leave me alone" was, what felt like part of a long string of her being like that, despite, I guess, doing things completely differently. When we were hanging out, it was great. We talked and shared stuff and that was the part I miss the most.

Not sure how I should proceed. Open to opinions.

I thought I knew women pretty well(people) at one juncture in my life, but they cease to amaze me, your experience pulled at my heart strings and struck a cord that resonated deep inside, i have opinions, but i feel very shut down, my communication skills are that much of a tired 3 yr old, just wish for you to have all that affection and sharing of deep soul connection

 

[axe battler]

Shit Keif', that sounds like a painful time. Methadone withdrawal and heartache.

She has your number and has told you to leave her alone quite decidedly, so perhaps you should be patient.

Where did you go when you left her place? For a fix? If so I can understand her. I've been in your shoes so many times where I'm in the company of a loving, good woman, but I'm too ill to appreciate it. IT FUCKING SUCKS!

I really feel for you man, but the old cliche if you love something, let it go, if it loves you it'll come back (I dunno why they use the term IT, but that's the verbage) seems to apply.

I really hope when you're stable on the methadone again you get a text saying "hey", and I'm afraid that's all I'd personally hope for at this point in your situation.

Thanks for the great thread too. I'm sure a lot of us have been here.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Hey man, that’s a really great post. I’m so sorry to hear about the confusion and heartache the situation has involved for you. However, to a degree I think that’s an element of most start-up relationships between older people who are both sensitive by nature and carrying a bit of baggage from their prior lives. Couples potentially get through it together only when they are each very self-aware and self-accepting regarding their hang ups and insecurities and willing and able to communicate that to the other person without scaring the fuck out of them. The way you told the story suggests to me that you might be a bit more advanced than the girl in that regard. Generally it’s best to avoid women who blame you for breaching rules (like breaking sexual boundaries) that they did not communicate the existence of straight up and early on.

My advice would be to really ask yourself whether this woman is capable of accepting you as you really are most comfortable and happy being. Not necessarily exactly who you are right this minute but who you realistically plan to be in the not too distant future when you progress your recovery a bit further and tidy up whatever shit you have hanging around in your life that needs to be sorted sooner rather than later.

If you think she is, I’d write her one heartfelt letter that explained why you think she is so special, your understanding of what aspects of your behaviour, beliefs, etc have grown into deal-breakers for her, some concrete commitments and details about the specific shit-sorting-out you are engaged in and the likely timeline, and closing with a humble request that the two of you catch up in a month or two or however long you think makes sense given what you need to sort out with yourself and take another look at what you might have to offer each other.

If she responds positively then get on with your shit-sorting-out, be patient, and meet as agreed at the appropriate time. If she does not respond or says no then respect her decision, do your best to forget her, and still get all that shit sorted so you are better positioned to make the most of the next occasion an interesting woman attracts your attention.

 

[Fiori di Bella]

And Keif', I want to reassure you about something that we sometimes doubt or have concerns about. I know you are interested in her now, but be confident in the notion that you will meet other women, no doubt a few just as fascinating, as this girl. She is not your last chance at spending time with, or developing something special with a woman. It always seems those interesting potential romantic partners show up right when those hints of doubt start to seep into our minds concerning whether we will fall in love again. You will.