Blog Just Had to Fuck Up….

[Floeyoeyo]

So… To start, I was 6.5 years clean, and was working at a detox facility as a substance abuse counselor. It started earlier this year. My mental health was getting worse, and my life felt like it was spiraling. Randomly got a message from my former dealer (N) asking if I was interested in getting any pills and/or fentanyl patches. I had the extra cash, and I’d had a particularly shitty day at work. So I said yeah. Then began my months of being supplied 40-50 pills at a time. I wasn’t taking them daily, could stop at any point if I wanted. Then my friend asked if I wanted to try coke. I don’t do well when I sniff things, so I used it IV. First like three times I did it, I didn’t get any real effects. Well, I convinced my friend to do more in a shot for me, and yep… Now I see what the deal was. Spent more than I wanted to at a time on coke. Called up my dealer, (N), and they had some pills, but was throwing in “a surprise” for me. Cool, I like surprises. I figured what it was, but didn’t want to make an outright assumption. It was heroin. I did the smallest amount, and remembered why I did it for two years. Slowly, I stopped buying pills and explicitly bought H. Then I got the brilliant idea of mixing coke and H! Ahh, yes. Perfect! Did that for a while. Still only using 1-2x a week, but was bingeing, (obviously, as one does on coke). Got sick with COVID for two weeks, and came back, still not feeling like myself, but also not having used while sick. Work states it looks as though I was withdrawing from opiates, but in reality was just still experiencing shitty COVID symptoms. They pull me out of work and state I can come back when I have a negative UDS and have started going to outpatient. Well, the day AFTER I’m pulled from work, I start coughing, have a horrible migraine, can’t eat, can’t sleep, lost my appetite altogether. Well… what the fuck is wrong with me now? I’m not COVID positive anymore. Ahh, yes, when visiting my mother I contracted the fucking flu. Of. Course. So sick, I walk to the walk-in, they confirm it. UDS is due tomorrow. But I’m highly contagious with Influenza A, and my supervisor says to wait until I feel better. Except HR wants that UDS NOW. Not in six days when you’re feeling better. I go to the place for the UDS and they’re CLOSED. I spent the last $10 getting there. What do I do now? Sit at home, and wait. Wait for HR to create a new UDS order. And wait and wait. Been a full 7 days since I was pulled out of work, a full 10 days since last use, and no idea when HR is going to recreate a UDS order. So now I’m anxious, frustrated, depressed, and exhausted. I’m anxious I’m gonna get fired, even though I had extenuating circumstances. I’m frustrated that they still haven’t answered mine or my supervisor’s emails and phone calls. I’m depressed because I’m typically depressed and have shitty mental health in the winter months, as well as hopeless that the situation is going to get better. And I’m so tired of staying up having stress-induced seizures and panic attacks. I’m tired of feeling like shit and feeling like I’m a royal fuck up. I’m mad at myself for letting this happen. Just… Hate my life and my situation. Wish I had a friend.

 

[Jerry Atrick]

I'm sorry all this is going on. It sounds like more communication needs to take place at your job. It sounds like you are communicating with your supervisor and HR separately and they are contradicting each other. I would ask my supervisor to step in with HR and advocate for you to have some time to heal. Of course, make sure you get all the doctors' notes so you can prove you've had covid and the flu.

If you aren't sure whether your supervisor will step in on their own, then I would email both of them on the same email and ask for both their guidance. Like literally put both on the email, lay out your situation, and ask them what you asked us: What should you do? Like I said, make damn sure you have your doctors' notes in hand otherwise you have no case.

I really hope you can get back to being stable and clean after all this. Please don't let the stress be a reason you start using more.

While we are all strangers on the internet and not your friends IRL, I hope we are able to help you at least more than not having anyone to talk with at all. Please keep us updated.

 

[Floeyoeyo]

I'm sorry all this is going on. It sounds like more communication needs to take place at your job. It sounds like you are communicating with your supervisor and HR separately and they are contradicting each other. I would ask my supervisor to step in with HR and advocate for you to have some time to heal. Of course, make sure you get all the doctors' notes so you can prove you've had covid and the flu.

If you aren't sure whether your supervisor will step in on their own, then I would email both of them on the same email and ask for both their guidance. Like literally put both on the email, lay out your situation, and ask them what you asked us: What should you do? Like I said, make damn sure you have your doctors' notes in hand otherwise you have no case.

I really hope you can get back to being stable and clean after all this. Please don't let the stress be a reason you start using more.

While we are all strangers on the internet and not your friends IRL, I hope we are able to help you at least more than not having anyone to talk with at all. Please keep us updated.

Thank you so much. My supervisor has been attempting to work with HR as well, but they’re running into the same issue. Apparently they aren’t receiving a response either. I do have all of my medical files in hand, and I’ve signed consents authorizing release to my job. I’m having my outpatient program also send things in and the walk-in providers. I haven’t used, and don’t plan on it. At least not right now. But boy oh boy I’ve had such bad cravings because I can’t do anything and am a “sitting duck” at the moment. Thank you for your response and I genuinely appreciate it.

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

But boy oh boy I’ve had such bad cravings because I can’t do anything and am a “sitting duck” at the moment.

This is when my impulses intervene.
Have to find something to do that is not related to what I crave atm). Build something... its gettin cold gotta outdoor fire-pit?
Maybe some indoor related house fixins to be done? Outdoor?
Personally I find that if I can put something off for a few sec I can usually put it off for "good".
I get the paralysis it has become an issue with me as well recently.
Think ya can draw down on this hombre?
Thoughts?
Best

 

[Floeyoeyo]

This is when my impulses intervene.
Have to find something to do that is not related to what I crave atm). Build something... its gettin cold gotta outdoor fire-pit?
Maybe some indoor related house fixins to be done? Outdoor?
Personally I find that if I can put something off for a few sec I can usually put it off for "good".
I get the paralysis it has become an issue with me as well recently.
Think ya can draw down on this hombre?
Thoughts?
Best

Yeah, I’ve been trying really hard to distract myself. If I stop and just think, my mind goes to how upset I am and how badly I want to use. So I just spent the last few hours shopping.

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

shopping

mostly "widow"?
spending time here helps a lot in distacting me from using. always has.
some it may trigger
some cool people about if alone and just wanna be an ass, learn or share whatever.
again
my best

 

[Floeyoeyo]

Welp, I was fired. So… here we are.