DementedDiurnal
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jun 19, 2023
- Messages
- 7
Hey everyone, long-term lurker here, who wanted some views from people who have experienced far more than I have. I want to give you some context for this question, I understand that not everybody's experience is the same, but if someone can understand where I'm coming from, I would want to hear what they would be so kind to share.
I know I have ADHD (inattentive), it's been diagnosed. I've always been distracted, impulsive and lonely since I was a teen and ironically it was when I was trying to get a script for vyvanse (trying to get legal drugs) I actually seriously considered my history, personality and I realised I did check all the boxes - starkly.
I've been on meth (small amounts) for the last year and heroin (0.05 to 0.1 daily) for the last four months. I am currently on subuxone and on ORT awaiting a suboclade injection (3 shots over 3 months) to get off heroin.
I'm 25 M Asian-Australian, In my life I have two major commitments: My wife and Law school of which I have finished a my 1st year with fairly good grades.
Ice and Heroin has been my combo of choice, it's readily available in my area and I can tend to my commitments efficiently and fairly easily like being and taking care of the wife, law school and tending to our apartment with this habit. Ice to get the ole machine ticking and heroin to keep it even and cool. Hell, it was an incredibly gratifying feeling to finish off my Major Assignment on the two drugs and receive a Distinction. The main thing is my wife though, I really really do love her and my studies in the end are to get into a position to earn a bloodton of money to support her and her aspirations...I never considered going into Law before meeting her.
that's enough context. Now to the meet of the matter, sorry if reading this is a pain.
Last year, before my wife and I were married and just dating, I used heroin for about 6 months. I had always felt in my gut, that in the end the ultimate purpose of a human life was to find God/be with God....and then Act, that life was never about the money but for Love and Truth. That changed when I married my wife... and the whole careerist side in me which was latent from an Asian background (Singapore) came out, because my love for her and consequent responsibility to look after her took precedence.
The last day I abused H last year, I tried mushrooms. And experienced the ("Sit down and listen...or else") side of Mushrooms that LSD has lacked in my experience. That day Mother Nature literally sat me down and shut me up and when I accepted she taught me what a mess I was making of my life, how poisoned I had become. It was traumatic, and the fire of WANT was there. The next day I quit CT and went to the hospital with withdrawals. Placed into detox and meditated and prayed. And I came out of it with immense peace and understanding and ultimately purpose which lasted a time, I was so happy being substance free.
Fast forward a year later and after a few personal failures, self-contempt, I'm in a position where I have been using H for the last 4 months, but this time...the WANT to quit is not present. I coldly calculated that this was the time to quit based on my uni break...I went to the doc who firmly stated it was suboxone--->subutex---->injections for me and that was the only way. And here I am, a week away from the shot and I really don't WANT to quit.
My life has always been one where the WANT has prevailed...I believe that people will do whatever they WANT to do, and that's the end of it. I also believe that things are fated and each period of one's life is there at the right time for the right reasons.
So tell me, If anyone bothered to read this far and thank you for doing so, I don't want to quit, not like I did before...I think that I can keep things on the right path even if I keep using, what's going to become of me? What became of you?
Is every case really different? Or does it all end in misery and despair having lost everything to the dragon? Is this a road that will be paved with regret?
I know I have ADHD (inattentive), it's been diagnosed. I've always been distracted, impulsive and lonely since I was a teen and ironically it was when I was trying to get a script for vyvanse (trying to get legal drugs) I actually seriously considered my history, personality and I realised I did check all the boxes - starkly.
I've been on meth (small amounts) for the last year and heroin (0.05 to 0.1 daily) for the last four months. I am currently on subuxone and on ORT awaiting a suboclade injection (3 shots over 3 months) to get off heroin.
I'm 25 M Asian-Australian, In my life I have two major commitments: My wife and Law school of which I have finished a my 1st year with fairly good grades.
Ice and Heroin has been my combo of choice, it's readily available in my area and I can tend to my commitments efficiently and fairly easily like being and taking care of the wife, law school and tending to our apartment with this habit. Ice to get the ole machine ticking and heroin to keep it even and cool. Hell, it was an incredibly gratifying feeling to finish off my Major Assignment on the two drugs and receive a Distinction. The main thing is my wife though, I really really do love her and my studies in the end are to get into a position to earn a bloodton of money to support her and her aspirations...I never considered going into Law before meeting her.
that's enough context. Now to the meet of the matter, sorry if reading this is a pain.
Last year, before my wife and I were married and just dating, I used heroin for about 6 months. I had always felt in my gut, that in the end the ultimate purpose of a human life was to find God/be with God....and then Act, that life was never about the money but for Love and Truth. That changed when I married my wife... and the whole careerist side in me which was latent from an Asian background (Singapore) came out, because my love for her and consequent responsibility to look after her took precedence.
The last day I abused H last year, I tried mushrooms. And experienced the ("Sit down and listen...or else") side of Mushrooms that LSD has lacked in my experience. That day Mother Nature literally sat me down and shut me up and when I accepted she taught me what a mess I was making of my life, how poisoned I had become. It was traumatic, and the fire of WANT was there. The next day I quit CT and went to the hospital with withdrawals. Placed into detox and meditated and prayed. And I came out of it with immense peace and understanding and ultimately purpose which lasted a time, I was so happy being substance free.
Fast forward a year later and after a few personal failures, self-contempt, I'm in a position where I have been using H for the last 4 months, but this time...the WANT to quit is not present. I coldly calculated that this was the time to quit based on my uni break...I went to the doc who firmly stated it was suboxone--->subutex---->injections for me and that was the only way. And here I am, a week away from the shot and I really don't WANT to quit.
My life has always been one where the WANT has prevailed...I believe that people will do whatever they WANT to do, and that's the end of it. I also believe that things are fated and each period of one's life is there at the right time for the right reasons.
So tell me, If anyone bothered to read this far and thank you for doing so, I don't want to quit, not like I did before...I think that I can keep things on the right path even if I keep using, what's going to become of me? What became of you?
Is every case really different? Or does it all end in misery and despair having lost everything to the dragon? Is this a road that will be paved with regret?