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I've given up trying to get clean, I'm 49

thedawn said:
Hey all. I'm deeply grateful for the replies. Thank you.
I've been better lately, I was in the middle of heavy relapse when writing the OP.
The anxiety was so bad it overrode everything.
I have also dealt w sever bipolar since 1996.

I have been off opiates and crack for 29 days.
I was eventually prescribed low dose Valium and I'm in an IOP (outpatient program).

Much love
Click to expand...
Post a picture of your chip tomorrow?
 
Cdurules said:
I feel the same way, I’m turning 39 soon, eating disorder then addiction started at 12. I’ve fallen so hard and clawed my way back up to normalcy ( happiness though? No not for this brain) so many times. I’m exhausted. I’m ruining my fucking marriage. This path will perpetuate the cycle of addiction for my son. He’s an angel and deserves a mama that can say no to drugs. I’ve been to 8 rehab’s approximately.. most of my life is a blur. Just last December 2022 I did 30 days in treatment. I pay attention and try every time I go to rehab then I’m clean and hopeful, until my weight goes up then I spiral and use and destroy it all. I’ll pray for you that somehow we’re meant for something else and will know peace before we die. Please message me any time I have absolutely no one who knows how this feels, I don’t have anyone that I can tell the truth to. I love my son why can’t I put him first? Fuck NA I balls to the walls that shit every time I know all the terms, had sponsors, spoke at meetings when I had clean time, got to step 4.. then down I go
Click to expand...
Ever consider a sober living house? I'm in one, and have a family. If they wanted a wife and mother worth having I had to do this because I'd be dead by now. Dm me if you have questions.
 
Very hopeful twist at the end.😊💕
Giving up on becoming completely sober can be freeing.
Sure, always keep trying when the negatives outweigh the positives.
Since I gave up on being able to function well enough sober, I actually became steady.
I still smoke my weed, take 0.2 bupi and sleep on 1.5 mg Xanax.
But no abuse anymore.
And I'm living again.

I wish you all the best💖
 
thedawn said:
Hi all, I'm tired now, I've been an addict for 35 years.
I've been to rehab 14 times, most recently last year down in Santa Cruz. I stayed 6 months in SLE.
Two weeks ago I returned to San Francisco ,my gf left, my 17 year old is mentally ill and addicted to Xanax.

I'm not suicidal, I have bipolar and heavy anxiety.
I went to AA for 10 years but have stopped.
I take Valium and I smoke weed so I don't wanna go.

I'm thinking I won't go back to recovery.
Groups, feelings , process .
I will not stop the bentos or weed .
I don't know.
Input is appreciated.
Click to expand...
Me too (30 years addict) and I did it.. will be 50 in 4 months.. you can and will do it if you really want to.. trust me "fly like an eagle baby!!" You can do it!!!!!!!
 
Its never to late my brother im32 years a addict i have more clean time then on the gear . There is still a lot of life ahead it is never to late it takes time but clean life is better. When io quit i called th NA line told them im clean only smoking weed i was then given a lecture how im not clean because i smoke weed that was the end of that . Do what your comfortable with its not a race if it takes a while so what
 
Cdurules said:
I feel the same way, I’m turning 39 soon, eating disorder then addiction started at 12. I’ve fallen so hard and clawed my way back up to normalcy ( happiness though? No not for this brain) so many times. I’m exhausted. I’m ruining my fucking marriage. This path will perpetuate the cycle of addiction for my son. He’s an angel and deserves a mama that can say no to drugs. I’ve been to 8 rehab’s approximately.. most of my life is a blur. Just last December 2022 I did 30 days in treatment. I pay attention and try every time I go to rehab then I’m clean and hopeful, until my weight goes up then I spiral and use and destroy it all. I’ll pray for you that somehow we’re meant for something else and will know peace before we die. Please message me any time I have absolutely no one who knows how this feels, I don’t have anyone that I can tell the truth to. I love my son why can’t I put him first? Fuck NA I balls to the walls that shit every time I know all the terms, had sponsors, spoke at meetings when I had clean time, got to step 4.. then down I go
Click to expand...
I feel you, COMPLETELY!!!! I just turned 57 and my anorexia s creeping back after a 35 year hiatus. I was bulimic in high school, before there was a word for it. We girls just thought "Cool! we can eat whatever we want, yack it back up and no weight gain". Well, that's a fallacy. And being bulimic destroys your teeth and left a permanent scar on the fucking finger I used to barf. Anorexia is a whole other beast. Both will kill you. I've always been a fan of 'death on the installment plan'. It takes a lot of control and willpower to get down to 80 lbs. And food had nothing to do with it. For myself, it really was about control or rather having to cede it to everyone around me, to the point where the only decision I could make for myself was to not eat. I was a master. This was without being addicted to anything. God forbid. I was to die thin and pure! Drugs came much later. Like now. Quit an 18 year addiction to heroin and months later at 57, picked up a fucking coke habit. WTF!!!! Have only been snorting for about 6 months, but I look forward to mornings with my coffee and toot. DM me anytime.
 
thedawn said:
Hi all, I'm tired now, I've been an addict for 35 years.
I've been to rehab 14 times, most recently last year down in Santa Cruz. I stayed 6 months in SLE.
Two weeks ago I returned to San Francisco ,my gf left, my 17 year old is mentally ill and addicted to Xanax.

I'm not suicidal, I have bipolar and heavy anxiety.
I went to AA for 10 years but have stopped.
I take Valium and I smoke weed so I don't wanna go.

I'm thinking I won't go back to recovery.
Groups, feelings , process .
I will not stop the bentos or weed .
I don't know.
Input is appreciated.
Click to expand...
hey there....i completely feel you...i ve been an addict for 2 decades and counting...recently i had a great, philosophical conversation with my good friend/dealer/rehab peer (twice in the same facility) about the fact that i have decided that i likely will use for the rest of my life....he completely felt me and agreed...
i have a 16 year old teen daughter who is absolutely addicted to smoking pot as a coping skill for her mental health troubles....she and i are extremely close but no doubt my troubles have gifted her with an adverse childhood textbook style...

i recently was diagnosed with autism...something i ve known for, again, decades but no one else knew or still can quite comprehend as i appear so fuckin 'normal'

as far as my choice of drugs i began with cocaine and i ve been in and out in and out of rehab for h--of course that was a progression....

lately i ve been using pot (my second to last favorite drug after alcohol) to hopefully get off the h and meth i use daily all day...i 100% know that 1) i have one coping skill to handle the loneliness, weirdness, and walking contradiction that looking normal but being autistic causes 2)that while i absolutely am ready to move on from the h and meth, i absolutely believe in and have certainly experienced the therapeutic effects of everything from cocaine to e binges to shroom trips...

in addition to switching to pot, just last night i had the most therapeutic, cathartic, inspiring event and it was purely thanks to the mushrooms i consumed....i for the first time felt good and positive about my autistic oddities and it was so enlightening it left me absolutely exhausted mentally and physically...

perhaps that may help you....again, pot and shrooms plus me two decades ago = no fuckin way.....tired yet ok with the drugs that let my mind continue to be free and open = hell fuckin yeah...

i ll always be an addict and i am ok with drugs as i know from experience how therapeutic they can be....i m just at the point now that i want to simmer it down a bit and be a content, chill pothead duddeeee..

take care
 
electrk8214 said:
hey there....i completely feel you...i ve been an addict for 2 decades and counting...recently i had a great, philosophical conversation with my good friend/dealer/rehab peer (twice in the same facility) about the fact that i have decided that i likely will use for the rest of my life....he completely felt me and agreed...
i have a 16 year old teen daughter who is absolutely addicted to smoking pot as a coping skill for her mental health troubles....she and i are extremely close but no doubt my troubles have gifted her with an adverse childhood textbook style...

i recently was diagnosed with autism...something i ve known for, again, decades but no one else knew or still can quite comprehend as i appear so fuckin 'normal'

as far as my choice of drugs i began with cocaine and i ve been in and out in and out of rehab for h--of course that was a progression....

lately i ve been using pot (my second to last favorite drug after alcohol) to hopefully get off the h and meth i use daily all day...i 100% know that 1) i have one coping skill to handle the loneliness, weirdness, and walking contradiction that looking normal but being autistic causes 2)that while i absolutely am ready to move on from the h and meth, i absolutely believe in and have certainly experienced the therapeutic effects of everything from cocaine to e binges to shroom trips...

in addition to switching to pot, just last night i had the most therapeutic, cathartic, inspiring event and it was purely thanks to the mushrooms i consumed....i for the first time felt good and positive about my autistic oddities and it was so enlightening it left me absolutely exhausted mentally and physically...

perhaps that may help you....again, pot and shrooms plus me two decades ago = no fuckin way.....tired yet ok with the drugs that let my mind continue to be free and open = hell fuckin yeah...

i ll always be an addict and i am ok with drugs as i know from experience how therapeutic they can be....i m just at the point now that i want to simmer it down a bit and be a content, chill pothead duddeeee..

take care
Click to expand...
much love. thanks for sharing. I take xanax and weed. stopped the crack and opiates.
so I'm functional haha. Even though I'm not sober I still go to AA.
 
lovemissile66 said:
I feel you, COMPLETELY!!!! I just turned 57 and my anorexia s creeping back after a 35 year hiatus. I was bulimic in high school, before there was a word for it. We girls just thought "Cool! we can eat whatever we want, yack it back up and no weight gain". Well, that's a fallacy. And being bulimic destroys your teeth and left a permanent scar on the fucking finger I used to barf. Anorexia is a whole other beast. Both will kill you. I've always been a fan of 'death on the installment plan'. It takes a lot of control and willpower to get down to 80 lbs. And food had nothing to do with it. For myself, it really was about control or rather having to cede it to everyone around me, to the point where the only decision I could make for myself was to not eat. I was a master. This was without being addicted to anything. God forbid. I was to die thin and pure! Drugs came much later. Like no . w. Quit an 18 year addiction to heroin and months later at 57, picked up a fucking coke habit. WTF!!!! Have only been snorting for about 6 months, but I look forward to mornings with my coffee and toot. DM me anytime.
Click to expand...
Feel for you with bulimia im 47 man i still have bouts of it depends it just comes on again . Was finally confronted by my dentist he asked if i pusge i said no he said the back of your teeth has lost their enamel you got a scar on your right hand which is caused by teeth as you stick fingers in mouth . My scar is just ab over knucle its where my canine tooth rubs on it my favorite method is have ice cream after food then put hand detergant i9n mouth and rub it around the back of my mouth easier to puke .

Its nothing about food just once stomach all clear i feel so much better .. I stop and start in back at it now
 
thedawn said:
much love. thanks for sharing. I take xanax and weed. stopped the crack and opiates.
so I'm functional haha. Even though I'm not sober I still go to AA.
Click to expand...
I used to go to NA high all the time. As a matter of fact, I don't think I ever hit one 'clean'. that word 'clean', is actually counter effective. Plants the idea that you are 'dirty' now and will eventually be 'clean' later. As opposed to 'in recovery or recovering'. Even though I was on heroin, I still picked up some sound advice and met some cool people. I still think it is cult-like and only one avenue for recovery.
 
yubacity said:
Feel for you with bulimia im 47 man i still have bouts of it depends it just comes on again . Was finally confronted by my dentist he asked if i pusge i said no he said the back of your teeth has lost their enamel you got a scar on your right hand which is caused by teeth as you stick fingers in mouth . My scar is just ab over knucle its where my canine tooth rubs on it my favorite method is have ice cream after food then put hand detergant i9n mouth and rub it around the back of my mouth easier to puke .

Its nothing about food just once stomach all clear i feel so much better .. I stop and start in back at it now
Click to expand...
Wow. It is rare that you hear of men with eating disorders, even though they are out there. I'm guessing the shame keeps men from wanting to admit/share that part of themselves since it is seen as a female psych issue? Thank you so much for sharing that. FUCK!!! Detergent!!
You are hardcore. I always went the ice cream way. Then I heard of 'markers', where you ingest something of color before you binge and when it comes up, you know you got most of the binge out. It is so fucked up what we do to ourselves, when I'm deep in my head thinking.
Our bodies truly are magnificent and we just fucking pollute and wreck them:unsure::cool:
 
lovemissile66 said:
Wow. It is rare that you hear of men with eating disorders, even though they are out there. I'm guessing the shame keeps men from wanting to admit/share that part of themselves since it is seen as a female psych issue? Thank you so much for sharing that. FUCK!!! Detergent!!
You are hardcore. I always went the ice cream way. Then I heard of 'markers', where you ingest something of color before you binge and when it comes up, you know you got most of the binge out. It is so fucked up what we do to ourselves, when I'm deep in my head thinking.
Our bodies truly are magnificent and we just fucking pollute and wreck them:unsure::cool:
Click to expand...
I ve had it since 15 i will stuff myself over a couple of hiurs and see the stages of come out at the end when all the bile out i just feel light and the stress all gone .

I have had 2 lung infections from it where i have breathed in while puking and a bit gone in lungs and caused infection you feel your lungs are wet sponges. Its a ritual closew bathroom window stick hand wash on fingers swallow and the be sick once done clean toilet open window destressed . I guess it must be all dinners at my house when young and mom not there would end in a beating from old man after beatings i would puke up in toilet .

Had to get work done all the back of teeth enamel had gon when dentist knew i felt so bad . Its not about weight loss at all its something else
 
You gave up trying? Yeah me too I think. It pisses me off. I’m going to a therapist so maybe I’m not totally hopeless but had a nagging feeling for decades this was gonna be a wasted life.
 
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