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I've given up trying to get clean, I'm 49

T

thedawn

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 12, 2013
Messages
528
Hi all, I'm tired now, I've been an addict for 35 years.
I've been to rehab 14 times, most recently last year down in Santa Cruz. I stayed 6 months in SLE.
Two weeks ago I returned to San Francisco ,my gf left, my 17 year old is mentally ill and addicted to Xanax.

I'm not suicidal, I have bipolar and heavy anxiety.
I went to AA for 10 years but have stopped.
I take Valium and I smoke weed so I don't wanna go.

I'm thinking I won't go back to recovery.
Groups, feelings , process .
I will not stop the bentos or weed .
I don't know.
Input is appreciated.
 
It's never too late mate. I finally got off opiates in 2015 at the age of 50 after 20 years of heroin/methadone. I'm still far from 'clean' as I still like the booze a little too much, but it's work in progress.


I don't have many goals in life, but not dieing an addict is one of them.


Neither do I have any useful advice to offer, other than you owe it to yourself to keep trying - you can never give up on giving up. Otherwise, what's the point of anything?

Good luck man <3
 
thedawn said:
Hi all, I'm tired now, I've been an addict for 35 years.
I've been to rehab 14 times, most recently last year down in Santa Cruz. I stayed 6 months in SLE.
Two weeks ago I returned to San Francisco ,my gf left, my 17 year old is mentally ill and addicted to Xanax.

I'm not suicidal, I have bipolar and heavy anxiety.
I went to AA for 10 years but have stopped.
I take Valium and I smoke weed so I don't wanna go.

I'm thinking I won't go back to recovery.
Groups, feelings , process .
I will not stop the bentos or weed .
I don't know.
Input is appreciated.
Click to expand...
Hai~

Well.. i understand the feeling of tiredness after trying for so many years to get something done and finished but you really just can't get it to happen.. and while i am nowhere near old enough or been trying at fixing my problems as long as you did.. i still understand..

But let me tell you that if i gave up at any of the hundreds of points i felt so defeated and so tired.. i would have regretted it..

If i chose to stop the attempts at fixing things i won't be at the point i am at now where i can genuinely see a future for myself where i can be okay..

And as F.U.B.A.R. said, you owe it to yourself to keep punching at this and keep chipping away at it until it breaks.

I have hope you will be able to do it <3
 
I know this feeling all too well. 25 years with opiates. Actually kicking methadone as we speak but I'm so glad I dropped my benzo addiction of 10years. It was worst withdrawal Ive ever had and I've kicked phenibut, gabapentin, alcohol, methadone, heroin, ghb. None compared to benzos. It lasted months and I swear my brain was fucked for the first couple years afterward. No substance has had such a long lasting dramatic effect on quality of my brain. it really does wreck you.
 
Keep trying, my friend.

My addiction had gotten so bad by my early-mid 40's that I was almost suicidal. But after a lot of trial and error, I'm in my early 50's now and doing better than I have since I was 25!

I still have my struggles from time to time, but *nothing* like it was 10 years ago.

Peace, Love & Faith,
Dreamflyer
 
I feel the same way, I’m turning 39 soon, eating disorder then addiction started at 12. I’ve fallen so hard and clawed my way back up to normalcy ( happiness though? No not for this brain) so many times. I’m exhausted. I’m ruining my fucking marriage. This path will perpetuate the cycle of addiction for my son. He’s an angel and deserves a mama that can say no to drugs. I’ve been to 8 rehab’s approximately.. most of my life is a blur. Just last December 2022 I did 30 days in treatment. I pay attention and try every time I go to rehab then I’m clean and hopeful, until my weight goes up then I spiral and use and destroy it all. I’ll pray for you that somehow we’re meant for something else and will know peace before we die. Please message me any time I have absolutely no one who knows how this feels, I don’t have anyone that I can tell the truth to. I love my son why can’t I put him first? Fuck NA I balls to the walls that shit every time I know all the terms, had sponsors, spoke at meetings when I had clean time, got to step 4.. then down I go
 
I've been trying to get clean for probably 12 years or so. I have many rehabs, including long term ones. I've built my life up, got fit and healthy and got work etc, but every time I've relapsed and completely destroyed everything in a very humiliating way.

Ive got lots of friends from different recoveries that have stayed clean. 12,7,4,2,1 year clean with out relapse. And I've just been the serial relapser type.

Some of the relapses are after some painful times, but some, like the most recent couple, have been over nothing at all. Everything is going pretty good, I'm not thinking about using or missing it, then out of nowhere I make a stupid decision and I'm off on a 3 week bender where I don't go to work or answer my phone, lose 10 kilos, destroy relationships.

And I've even relapsed in rehab. A few times.

It feels like the last 7 years have been on hold while I try to get my shit together and I haven't managed to do it.

To be fair, I was dealing with a lot of traumatic shit that has happened, mainly through the drug use. Very difficult stuff that I found it hard to live with and felt like I was permanently damaged. It's gotten better over the years but I've just ended up making peace with it more than anything else. Although I have gotten to the point of telling myself to shut the fuck up out loud when I get some bad memory, which is not a good thing really.

I've done aa and na over the years, I never liked them and found them very strange, but I've gotten better with them although it's taken me a decade. But then I see some people come in and they love them straight away and seem to go good. I've never loved them they always just seemed like something I had to do. I'm not the type to get evangelical about the program either. And the time keeping thing, not that great for self esteem when you become a 0 again.

So I hope this doesn't seem like I'm hijacking your thread, just want to say I can relate.

I hope we can find some lasting peace and happiness and stop for good finally.
 
I’m sorry you are suffering. It’s just so creepy, this awful demise I can see coming and keep lying or denying it to myself. And the lies. And the running around trying to get my next one and the stress that goes with hiding it all and scheming ways to account for missing money. And to not be as I should for my kid. I’m still a pretty good mom I hope, but meth makes me irritable especially if I can’t do my shot or score whatever. I’m a total asshole on drugs and will repeatedly risk everything for a minimal reprieve from feeling however thr fuck I must feel that I find intolerable. But this life man, feeling the fear and self-hatred growing, this is not sustainable
 
Im 40 almost 41 and I am struggling with a similar situation, Do drugs affects one or more important aspects of your life (family, relationship with loved ones and LE, work, etc|?) do u want to stop because u want to or because of external pressures? Do you remotely be the person that u wanna be using valium and weed? Is your life a never ending search for the next fix or do u manage to get what u need without devoting your life to finding your next fix? Im confused myself , I ve ben functional ( but for how long?0mhence from a side Isay 'fuck it I m not ikeTGEM " from the other I am afraid that your functional until you are n more. Drugs improve your quality of life in any way? Or are fucking u up> Only you knw the answers n yur own reason to stop. Wish u luck whatever path u choose
 
Hello, I am 46 years old and am prescribed Suboxone and xanax (90 a month 1 mg 3xs a day) I know I am also addicted to the Xanax and I do abuse it. I like to take two if not three bars worth a day which means I have to try to find extra on the street to supplement what I don't get prescribed. I have been on Xanax on and off from 2005 to current. I've been prescribed Xanax for the past 3 years. I do not know how I am ever going to get off of it, I know it is hell I have been through it before when I went to detox and on 90 day rehab. It took so long to finally feel normal. After being on Suboxone for about 8 years my doctor finally suggested alprazolam and I was totally shocked because not a lot of doctors prescribe both medications but I had been doing good in my urines were clean and I was working in progressing in my sobriety. Doctor only gave me 60 at first which I was fine with but then when covid hit I used that as an advantage and asked if I could go up and now I get 90. Probably the worst mistake of my life because I know what benzo withdrawal is like and I am definitely afraid of it. I do not know if my supplement is going to come in this month so I am taking them as prescribed. Only way I can think of stopping is if they get yanked but I've been on them for 3 years now so I'm sure they would switch me over to something long acting like Klonopin if i asked. I'm thinking about bringing the Ashton manual to my next visit to see if me and my doctor can use it as a reference or what the next play is.
I hope someday you can come to terms with your own taper. I don't know your circumstances and if you get them prescribed or not but theres always hope.
Have a safe future.
 
There seems little point in trying to get clean. I'm unlikely to get past 10 more years before my genetic condition kills me.
I'm just trying to make them less uncomfortable.
Some doctors agree with me, but pain clinic still won't authorise a dose adjustment.
 
One of main reasons why I try to keep my drug use, namely addictive drugs use, at minimum so if I somehow get to live till old age I’ll really need drugs working properly, for pain and sorrow. I still hope it’ll get better and try to plan life according to that. Aiming to get back into psychedelics and other things that used to improve my life quality.
 
Im 41 and instead of quitting drugs i went back to not using everyday and not being addicted. I wouldnt call it using in moderation exactly as i still shoot up 60mg's of morphine and sometimes take ridiculous doses of zopiclone and clonazepam on occasion. But i dont use everyday now for long enough to get addicted.

I had a streak of about a year from being off opiates and benzos thanks to cold turkying in the psych ward and thinking i wouldnt get meds again thanks to the psych ward shrink thinking i was a addict. I used coke during this peroid (i infact called my dealer on the second or third day i was out) but not opiates or benzos. But i did get them again and now i just take them to get high or kill pain or anxiety not to actually maintain a habit.

I am quite happy with not being addicted and just using them to get high. When i was at my worst period of opiate use i would shoot 3 or 4 18mg hydromorph contins just to maintain not to get high. I dont fucking miss that at all and waking up sick everyday fuck that. I do however have severe nerve pain so i actually need opiates to as i cant get a script for something better like ketamine off a regular doctor in my part of Canada.

So ya there is a option between quitting totally and being a addict.
 
If you ever notice the medicine cabinets of old people are stacked. None of them clean. lol We add stuff to our bloodstream as we get older.

I totally gave up getting "clean". That is a fantasy. I picked balance over clean. Again with balance a person can spin plates over his head. Without balance a person can not even stand. So instead of clean I go for balance.

Also forget the gf, she just gave you some room. The son needs to take care of himself and should not factor in at all unless he lives there. If so that is a pickle but you still have to focus on yourself. Be smart about it.

Yeah I would love to be "high on life" and I am. But we are chemical factories. When we can go without water and food maybe i will entertain going without chemicals in the blood.

The best thing to do is make peace with what we put in our blood streams and use some knowledge and wisdom. Fuck getting "clean".
 
The thing about being clean i found is that all that fucking shit is still there its just that now you have to deal with it totally unmedicated and no fucking thank you.

My nan actually helped out my junkie ass a few times when i was withdrawing from fentanyl and shit with tylenol 3's. Getting prescribed meds is also easier the older you get atleast here from what ive seen.
 
Hey all. I'm deeply grateful for the replies. Thank you.
I've been better lately, I was in the middle of heavy relapse when writing the OP.
The anxiety was so bad it overrode everything.
I have also dealt w sever bipolar since 1996.

I have been off opiates and crack for 29 days.
I was eventually prescribed low dose Valium and I'm in an IOP (outpatient program).

Much love
 
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