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It's been 2 years and I am fucked. Need some help to get back to normal

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okkervil23

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Jan 28, 2014
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I only ever made one thread on this forum before and that was in January 2014. I found it here in the archive (http://www.bluelight.org/vb/archive/index.php/t-711488.html)

I took MDMA a couple of times back in November 2013 and back when I made that post, I was struggling with sleeping (twitching, jumping myself awake). 2 years later, that stuffs long gone but I had no idea how bad things were about to get. I'm not the same person I used to be. There hasn't been a single day since I took the MDMA where I have felt happy / healthy / normal / like I was before.

Before:

Happy, carefree, anxiety free.


Now:

Anxious. I always feel dizzy or lightheaded. I don't always feel steady on my feet. I told myself at the beginning I was hungry or had low blood/sugar so I used to constantly drink sugary drinks and ended up gaining about 10 kilos. Before I would go anywhere and do anything at any time. Now everything I have to do, I worry about whether it's possible. Will I get dizzy etc?

Depressed. I'm trying to do the things I used to enjoy e.g. going out drinking. But I feel so different now it's not the same. Being drunk doesn't feel the same. Everything feels worse.

I used to be quite creative. I would draw / make things / mess around with music. I was motivated and enjoyed this stuff. Yesterday I looked back at some of the stuff I'd done in the past and then it hit me that in the past 2 years I've stopped completely. I haven't done a single creative thing in 2 years. It's like I'm dead inside. Eat, sleep.


I've taken a few things on and off to try to help. Rosea Rhodiola helped for a while but doesn't do anything anymore. I take magnesium malate sometimes. I tried going on escitalopram (cipralex) for a while.

I would do anything to go back to how I used to feel pre-November 2013 but I've given up hope.
 
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MDMA is nothing to fuck around with on a habitual basis. You said youve only taken it a handful of times, And are you positive what you had was actual MDMA? because alot of so called "MDMA" going around is often fluoroamphetamine, methylone and various other substances that can have negative repercussions if abused. Is this the extent of your drug use? because there are many other drugs than have simiar side effects. imo yo should see psychiatric help maybe see what the underline problem is.

Good Luck man hope things get better:\
 
Sorry to hear you're still suffering after such a long period dude. Can't be easy.

What measurements are you currently undergoing to speed recovery? Exercise, Meditation, Diet etc... ??

Have a look through the MDMA recovery threads on here as their are plenty of people who have been and are suffering (including myself) posting in there and there's some really sound advice.

Have you abstained from all drugs since? That includes caffiene too!
 
Sorry to hear of your suffering. You didn't say that you have been exercising, eating healthier, getting plenty of sleep etc. but you need all of these things in order to recover. Your not going to recover by sitting on your ass doing nothing. You said that you've been drinking aswell........ you need to stop drinking! I know it sucks but alcohol is a depressant on the CNS so it definitley isnt doing any favours with helping with recovery.

As I said exercise plenty, eat a healthier diet, get plenty of sleep, drink plenty of water, just treat your body with respect. Wishing you all the best
 
I've had similar symptoms though less intense from using MDMA a few times in late 2013, though I stupidly used MDMA more after the effects started, thinking they were linked to psychedelics. I've quit for months now though and I am seeing improvement. I hope you get better. And yes it was actually not only tested but lab tested MDMA.

Also DylanSins, most evidence would point toward MDMA being more damaging than Methylone or fluoroamphetamine if abused. The more I work in drug harm reduction and law reform and the more people with a wealth of experience I meet, the more I believe that MDMA actually might be one of the most harmful recreational drugs there is.

You have to remember research like David Nutt's drug harms paper is rating it very low harm based on discernible harm it does to the average user according to a panel of experts, where an average user is actually just a few times per lifetime. It's not rated on any kind of actual studies of what MDMA does to the body and mind as there is actually very few of them, and it's hard to get funding to conduct them.

I'm not saying it can't be used responsibly, it definitely can, and I would use it again once every couple of years if I ever feel completely recovered. I just think young people on the drug scene need to use it much less often, I'm seeing it fuck so many people up emotionally.
 
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My number one piece of advice is cardio. Number two is meditation.

Are you especially lightheaded when you stand up, and does it get better when you lay down?
 
I know exactly what you mean about not feeling the same. Feeling anxious, not feeling creative at all. It's been 6 months for me, and I've begun to feel marginally better but not much.

Have you taken any mushrooms or psychedelics since this started? I have a feeling that if anything can heal us, those drugs might hold the key. It's a total longshot, but I plan on taking some soon and seeing what happens.
 
I've used psychedelics since having problems from MDMA and found they can be hit and miss. Thankfully they don't seem to make anything worse though or at least not for long. The problem is the anxiety I feel prevents me from feeling comfortable with the trip, if I could get past that then I think it could become much more helpful.
 
I just wish there was an easy cure but 2.5 years in, I know that's not the case. Reading some of the experiences on here has helped - well kind of, I mean it helps to know there are people in VERY LTCs like me.

Few asked about exercise... I haven't done any as it triggers anxiety. Before I fucked everything up, I used to go to a gym twice a day. Fuck I wish I could go back to feeling like that. I went to the gym for the first time in years last weekend (based on advice in this thread) but I had to leave after about 15 minutes as I felt unsteady and anxious. I nearly had a panic attack at work as well this week and it came out of nowhere - no anxiety, I was concentrating on my work then suddenly I got physical symptoms where I felt very dizzy and had to somehow make my way outside and I got a drink and managed to get it under control.

I know things are meant to get better in time but I think I'm getting worse. I did have some months in the last year or so where I felt like I was getting better but I'm really fucked now. After work I won't do anything. Just go home and sit about. Try to sleep but don't sleep well either. Mind never switches off.
 
You are right. There is no easy cure.

I would regard this as an extreme case. As such, i would even suggest the use of substances, not necessarily anti-depressants, but stuff like NSI-198 (relatively new, currently passing clinical human trials, known to increase hippocampal and amygdala volume, most useful symptoms ; increased intensity of emotions)

Personally, i am going to try out memantine for a bit.

People have had great success with stuff like tiantepine, cerebrolysin

Longecity has a whole section on these substances

Whatever you decide, i wish you all the best on this journey of improving ourselves.
 
Look man I'm 3 .5 years out I talked to a doctor that actually had the same thing happen to him believe it or not . The conclusion is that in severes case like ours we will become normal BUT expect 2-3 more years in a severe ltc. Cotcha is correct you have to do cardio even if you have panic attacks while doing it. Do it at home and buy free weights you will feel like shit in the beginning but you will become better . Allow months for the process. The reason you should expect a couple more years is the fine tuned hormones in the brain are way off not the main ones that you can test for. Your body will heal and follow the genetic blueprint you have to bring you back to homeostasis. The good news is that you over the worse. Now its time to be patient and don't worry anymore and this is coming from someone with the worst ltc on bluelight I believe . I was on here constantly . I have met 2 people who were hardcore polydrug and ecstacy users they both said they were about right at the 5 year point . They had hppd and every symptom you can imagine. Basically what I'm saying is be patient don't take life for granted and trust your body.
 
I did not know you can get this from MDMA 8o I had something similar from using pot years ago.. there are many people who say that the problems are not associated with the drug, especially if it was only used a few times (i.e. you are not addicted to it). I once got a panic attack after I had a bad trip on weed (I was sober at the time). I consistently linked the 2 - 3 panic attacks a day I would have to that ONE trip, regretting the pot, etc... it lasted for a good 8 months. I thought I had verily fucked up my brain and made myself crazy.

It turned out that it wasn't so much of the weed, but that I was paranoid about the weed causing the attacks. And guilty for having smoked it. In a similar way I blamed all of my problems on the weed. But this is strange, because think about it.. the drug wears off in your body. And even though the serotonin system is affected by MDMA, this lasts for a maximum of a week after use. Usually a day. Maybe see a doctor and see what is wrong, and explain the drug use. I have little faith in doctors because they always prescribe medication without really seeming to care... a therapist might be a better idea.
 
Yes, I understand all of that 100%.
Many years back, maybe 20, I started experimenting with MDMA, not too long after I took it every weekend, and a LOT, often combining it with speed, hardcore style, just open the packet put a rolled up bill in it and snuffed it up at once with chunks and everything...

Don't need to mention how completely careless that was.

I kept this up for about 6 or 7 years, I was a wreck, both physical as emotional, often waking around the day after with blurred vision, sometimes going completely black, feeling absolutely drained...

I still feel the effects on my brain today, I'm emotionally unbalanced, probably manic depressed, often anxious, although all of that is improving again.

MDMA definitely makes you feel amazing, too amazing actually, but the toll it takes on your body and brain is enormous when you don't respect it and use it in a very irresponsible way, my dopamine centre is probably still fucked, but I guess it'll recover again in time, combined with a healthy lifestyle and workout.

I think best you can do right now is just stop using MDMA and try to recover, it can take a LONG time before things go back to normal, 10 years or more, it's more for me, I'm still suffering from the effects of MDMA abuse today, but approaching a healthier lifestyle, eating the right amounts of vitamins, and recovering is all you can do I guess.
 
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Some of the symptoms described here remind me of what I experienced about seven years ago called "depersonalization". I'm not sure if this fits your 'ticket' as far as symptoms but it sounds similar. The movie "Numb" is a movie about depersonalization, I found it to be intriguingly similar to my story. Matthew Perry stars in it.
I don't think experimental or untested drugs are the solution to your symptoms FYI. I think cardio/exercise is a safe suggestion, as long as you start slow. Start with long walks at night--a long (or short) walk can help calm the mind. Pray out loud.
Shortstaffer
 
Sound like the MDMA maybe 'unlocked' some psychological issues which were already in the background. I, personally, believe that MDMA *read any drug* doesn't have the ability to make people become depressed though light usage (addiction is a different story) but it can make those predisposed to depression, become depressed. In which case I would advise you to try and get some other anti-depressants (from a dr), maybe ask for CBT therapy. Depression sucks, you can fight this, and you can win. Much love!
 
Were you clean those whole 20 years blue merlin . Damn honestly I am 3.5 years out I can take a couple more years but 20 is wow. Can you elaborate a little more ?
 
Londonscouser said:
You are right. There is no easy cure.

I would regard this as an extreme case. As such, i would even suggest the use of substances, not necessarily anti-depressants, but stuff like NSI-198 (relatively new, currently passing clinical human trials, known to increase hippocampal and amygdala volume, most useful symptoms ; increased intensity of emotions)

Personally, i am going to try out memantine for a bit.

People have had great success with stuff like tiantepine, cerebrolysin

Longecity has a whole section on these substances

Whatever you decide, i wish you all the best on this journey of improving ourselves.
Click to expand...

Thanks. I've started to look at these two. Cerebrolysin looks interesting but I dunno if I'm ready to start injecting myself with pig brains I bought off the internet.

Maybe tiantepine is worth a go. SSRIs didn't help me but maybe this SSRE will. I dunno - I need to do some more reading.

In better news I managed a visit to the gym without having to leave early.
 
I just googled tiantepine withdrawal on google and it doesnt look good. theres posts on this forum about it too
 
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Is the lightheadedness upon standing persisting? If it doesn't improve with doing cardio every other day for a couple months it might be a form of orthostatic hypotension that is not necessarily from being out of shape but is rather from the brain malfunctioning. Of course you should do the cardio regardless - it is essential for recovering from MDMA and orthostatic hypotension.
 
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