It started off fine, and now I don't know. Do I stay with her or leave?

[LonelyPlanet]

Hi everyone,


Long post, I know. If you can help me, it would mean a lot.


This for me is quite hard to get into as it's become an uncomfortable mess I don't even know where to begin with.


I've been dating my girlfriend for 4 months. Everything was mostly fine. She would come over a few times a week, text me a tonne, and seem generally interested in me. Sex was wanted on both sides, no issues of attraction or being into each other. She's of asian decent, and her parents have visited a few times from overseas and during those times she couldn't really come and stay over but she would still see me for lunch in the city for example. I met her mum first, who was a bit shallow in her judgement of me and didn't like me because I wasn't an asian boy and that I was too thin. I was polite to her and took her and my girlfriend out for coffee and I made the best of it. My gf and her mum fought over me on her last visit. My gf was defending the relationship regardless. I just felt I needed to add this context before going on...


About a month ago, she was hospitalised with a condition (I wont name) and I was there to support her as I always am. I called up doctors, drove her around and saw who we needed too before they deemed hospital necessary, waited with her at the hospital until I had to leave, everything. For most of the time, she was appreciative of everything I was doing and still missed me and wanted me to come visit her. She would say how lucky she was to have me, and I was happy to look after her no matter what.


This is when her dad came from overseas this time and she was then transferred hospital as soon as he got here, so I stepped back and let the dad be with my gf for a while. At the new hospital, she was put to sleep a few times for a few procedures and they had her on a lot of medications. I actually went to visit just after the procedure when she was still asleep, and met the dad without her being awake. I wanted to be there when she woke up, so despite my anxiety, I overcame that.


For the next few weeks that she was in there, she would text me still, say how lucky she was to have me and appreciated all the support I gave. I visited everyday after work, brought her a laptop with her favourite TV shows and anything else she needed. Everything was fine, she was on the road to recovery and she appreciated me being there and visiting her.


Then about a week or so before she left the hospital, things changed. She stopped being appreciative, she really became selfish and we fought a few times as I had expressed I felt like she didn't appreciate what I was doing for her or anything towards me at all. She made even that about herself, saying "It hurts me that you think I don't care". I tried explaining thats how I feel lately, whats going on? She had all but anything nice to say about me, just complaints and nit picking over silly things. Her cousins visited, and when I went to go visit while they were also there, nobody introduced us. I sat there in the room feeling awkward but mentally distracted so I couldn’t introduce myself to them in that mind state. I was waiting for her to introduce me to them. When we argued, she would say for example “I was going too, but you just sat there in the chair”. She’d complain about these kinds of things or use “Im the one in hospital” to make it more about her. During that fight I was trying to be constructive that I know it’s very hard for her, but I feel like I’m doing all this and you just don’t appreciate it anymore. I’m important too.

Basically she had just stopped seeming to care or appreciate my support for her. In that last week, I’d go visit and her friends would be there too. She would just ignore me most of the time, wouldn’t put her hand out for me to hold it like she did weeks prior. Just neglectful behaviour…


Then she tells me her mum is coming from overseas as well, so that means both parents would be here. She gets out of hospital, but doesn't have any desire to come and see me. She explains that her mum and dad are here until december, but then shes going back home overseas for January, then to NZ for another month after that. This is four months.


We fought, because she says she wants exclusive time with her parents right now and also wants to make up for the fighting with her mum last time. So I basically get told I don't get to see her for four months (after all we just went through for a month) and I can accept that or not. She barely texts me now, and doesn't seem interested. She doesn't pay compliments to me when we snapchat each other or she will comment on Instagram pictures with mocking comments but doesn’t like them or say “Im her handsome” and all that crap anymore. Sometimes she won’t say anything, even though I tell her she's beautiful etc.

She just says generic "I love yous" and all that and it just feels like she's doing that to keep the peace. I feel she's not committed and that into me anymore but I don’t know what happened really? I spoke to a friend who said this is fairly normal for asian families and international students, in terms of exclusive time with them. When the parents visit, usually they stay exclusively with them. We had fights over this waiting period before I understood thats what she needed right now, but is that fair on me? She cant even make time to have a half hour lunch with me.

Aside from all that, the affection and urge to want to see me is still gone. She also says she can deal those 4 months without sex. Maybe just because of all the fighting, but it seems like she was never really concerned about how I was doing through all this. And yet she says Im expecting too much from her? Playing the victim. It was hard for me too. Right now, for the next 4 months, Im expected to not see her at all while she's with her parents visiting. She says after that time, I’m “all hers”. I’m not sure she will even feel the same after four months. I wonder if I should ask her now about it, to see if she would say "Yes no matter what" or "I'm not sure how I'll feel".

I know I will, I love her despite this rough patch. Right now she says she loves me and thats why we’re still doing this. I don’t know whether to wait, and see what happens and accept she wants this time with her family (but cant even see me at all, doesn't want too?) or to call it off because I need someone who is more “there” for me. What would be the best way to approach this, does anyone have any helpful opinions?


Thanks,
LonelyPlanet



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[John3five]

I read that she's relatively young and may not really know what she wants. Additionally, asian cultures are *hugehly* respectful of their parents and will not go against them easily (so if she was told not to be with you, she's stuck between what she wants and what she should do).

4 months is quite some time for a 4months old relationship. I would suggest making it clear how you feel, in a non-threatening way. Before you do that, make sure you know what to expect out of that 4-months and put that on the table to. If you want this thing to work out, you'll both have to work at it. If you're happy to just "wait and see where we're at" in 4 months, then it could play out either way.

You seem like a pretty genuine, thoughtful and respectful person. Just don't let someone else step over that. If she (or her family) doesn't respect you putting your foot down, future-you definitely will.

 

[HeaDupInTheCloudS]

That is some pretty serious stuff to deal with in such a short relationship. I commend you, because i probably would have taken off running. I agree with John about putting it all on the table. I'm not good with words or I would give you some suggestions.

 

[LonelyPlanet]

4 months is quite some time for a 4months old relationship. I would suggest making it clear how you feel, in a non-threatening way. Before you do that, make sure you know what to expect out of that 4-months and put that on the table to. If you want this thing to work out, you'll both have to work at it. If you're happy to just "wait and see where we're at" in 4 months, then it could play out either way.

Thanks for the reply, John3five.

I've made it clear how I feel, and understood how she feels. Regardless I think it's alarming that we can't even have a lunch together. I told her this. She said it's rude if she leaves them at the apartment or to go do their own things without her. I don't know if it's an excuse coming from her true feelings of "not really wanting to see me" or if it really is cause her family comes first.

Even if that were the case, I wonder why is she less affectionate like before over text or phone conversation? Maybe it's cause we hadn't properly understood each other until the fighting and now she cares less about the relationship.

Do you think I should put "How do you see this going after four months, do you still think you will feel the same?" on the table?

 

[John3five]

She said it's rude if she leaves them at the apartment or to go do their own things without her

Asians - likely not to be an excuse.. So invite them with you. Better still, learn a little of their language for them to warm up to you, and let her pick the place so that her folks are comfortable.

her true feelings of "not really wanting to see me" or if it really is cause her family comes first.

In my experience, it's actually very hard for us non-asians to actually comprehend the force behind their cultural upbringing. Silly (but true) example; they eat oranges because their grandparent did, not because it's good for you and a healthy source of vitamin C or D, or else, or else.. I mean seriously, the shit they believe is beyond this world!! (and not ours to judge however). Give it a quick google.

This said if you think there's a possibility she just doesn't want to see you, don't hesitate in putting the ball in her camp and leaving it there. Darling, it's your call, I like you to bits, but I feel you don't want me to be in your face, so I won't be. Call me when you're ready. Given you've only been going for a few months, reality could hurt like shit, but at least you'll know where you stand.

why is she less affectionate like before over text or phone conversation? Maybe it's cause we hadn't properly understood each other until the fighting and now she cares less about the relationship.

The fight may or may not have had an impact. Reading the chronology, there's also a strong possibility that she was told to end things. If it's the latter, then Google the topic, read about her culture, and make it easy on her to stick with you. If she's stuck between you and her parents, it's unlikely she'd pick you under pressure.

"How do you see this going after four months, do you still think you will feel the same?"

She probably doesn't know the answer more than you do.

I'm not sure whether she's left already or just about to, but best thing you can do is give her the space she needs. This said, you also want to be your own self, and not stand for something you find unacceptable. I'm sad to say there are plenty of fish in the sea and if things don't work out today (for whatever reason), there's a possibility that they might in the future, once you've both moved ahead, or under different circumstances.

I think the gist of it is, if you think she's being forced / is stuck between you and her parent, you should try and support her and give her the space needed for her to deal with it. If she's really "over" you, then move on, there was not much from her side to begin with.

As you would know... this is your assessment to make.

 

[llama112]

That's tough, you've been with her for only four months, she already wants a break. Seems like you're willing to learn about and understand Asian culture but she's just not very open about it, when it would make it so much easier.
I guess you can either wait it out for four months and hope that she comes back how she was when you started dating her. It's hard to not be with someone often when they are acting odd but it seems like you just need to wait it out.
If not, you can break up with her. It's a hard decision.

 

[SluttyPeach]

LonelyPlanet, you seem like a very nice and loving person! But maybe your gf is just having a hard time dealing with her parents not approving of you, not to mention the illness she is fighting off. She might just not have the energy to entertain both her parents and you, so she's spending time with her parents.. The Asian thing plays into this too more than likely.

Maybe you can talk to one of her parents? Just be respectful and let them know you genuinely care for their daughter. Asian or not, any decent person would be appreciative of the boldness and honesty.

Other than this, give her some space and don't blow her phone up. This may be causing her stress which is not good for someone who is sick. Also, what nationality are they? Not all Asian cultures are the same. Perhaps you could read a bit about their customs/mannerisms and try to apply them to your behavior when you are around her family. Many (white people) would be opposed to this and it may sound silly but they would likely respond positively if you show respect for them in this manner, because things like that are a big deal to them. Not saying you should pretend to be Asian but you know what I'm getting at.

 

[aihfl]

Hi Lonelyplanet, I had a similar experience. If you haven't already figured out, blood is thicker than water in Asian cultures. I am half Asian and dated a woman from the same country as my background. We were very much in love and I proposed to her and bought her a diamond and everything. We were graduate students at the time. But her dad said as long as we were students without concrete employment prospects, no bueno. So she returned the ring, which I have until this day. I hate to throw cold water on your situation, but if her parents say they think you're no good for her, she's going to go with them no matter the depth of feeling she might have for you.

 

[smackydowners]

^^all sound advice.

just remember, dont be pushy or servile. it's only been 4 months and she might be taking you for granted already.

as someone suggested, i'd cool it a bit on the contact and maybe just tell her (again not aggressively) that you feel a bit pushed out and ask her does she actually see this going anywhere. if you get a no, then it'll sting but you'll know.

alternatively, you could just be Fonzie about it and back right off and let her realise for herself if she thinks youre worth making a bit of effort for.

can you imagine her writing huge essays on forums about you?

 

[LonelyPlanet]

I wanted to thank everyone for their replies. I ended up breaking it off as I couldn't take the neglect anymore and she slowly seeped into a phase of caring less and less. I have since found another relationship and do not regret my decision. If someone doesn't respect you, find someone who does.

 

[pofacedhoe]

"She gets out of hospital, but doesn't have any desire to come and see me."

i couldn't be bothered with someone that doesn't make the effort