Phase0)))
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 21, 2012
- Messages
- 104
Ok, so I don't have any fucking idea why I even keep doing speed. But I am an addict no doubt, and that's the only excuse I can find and it's a terrible one. So right now I am amazed that I'm typing this seeing as how paranoid I am. I won't tell you if I did do speed, but I am sure you can guess the right answer. I've been doing it for almost 7 years now, and was clean for 2 1/2 years up until the beginning of January. Before I got clean in 2014 I was pretty much injecting crank almost every day. And every time I would go absolutely insane, thrust into the deepest pits of madness. But I kept doing it. And I don't know why.
So now this is probably the 4th time I used speed since I relapsed. And of course, the paranoia and mild hallucinations are back Right now it's just hearing what I think are footsteps down my hall and towards my room. Naturally I think they belong to cops who are here for me, even though I have done nothing illegal. And I'm not just saying that, I really haven't done anything illegal at all. Which is what gets me the most, because if I am absolutely sure that there is no reason for the cops to be after me, 100 percent affirmative, than why am I still like this? So right now it's just hearing either my front door opening and footsteps coming towards my room. And of course when I check nothing is there and no one is in my apartment when I go out and check the whole place. And in the last 2 hours I've checked waaaay too many times to count.
I know they are not real. This has happened an utterly insane amount of times in itself because this always happens when I use. And every time, nothing has happened to me in the end. There was never any danger it turned out aside from the danger I put myself in. I know all of it is not real and yet every time I get the belief that this time is could possibly be the one where everything comes true. So I have to be on guard. I think sometimes well if my imagination is so strong that I still believe this all regardless of how much of a logical conclusion I come to, then maybe it's real enough for me to where I make some sort of danger real.
Anyways how do i stop this without anti-psychotics or other meds? I have absolutely no access to anything.
Thank you.
EDIT: Like I stated before, I am amazed I actually posted this since my paranoia could easily say that they are also monitoring my internet use and this obviously would be bad for me to write. But I am so desperate at this point, I want this to end so bad that I don't care about that now. But in reverse, if I can break out of this in just even a small way like this, which to me is progress in seeing how this isn't real then why does everything continue regardless? I understand logic doesn't have any value here, but now it's getting to the point whereI think maybe, deep down it is real. Maybe just for me and in my head but real enough to be dangerous for me, like really dangerous. Uggghhh this fucking blows
So now this is probably the 4th time I used speed since I relapsed. And of course, the paranoia and mild hallucinations are back Right now it's just hearing what I think are footsteps down my hall and towards my room. Naturally I think they belong to cops who are here for me, even though I have done nothing illegal. And I'm not just saying that, I really haven't done anything illegal at all. Which is what gets me the most, because if I am absolutely sure that there is no reason for the cops to be after me, 100 percent affirmative, than why am I still like this? So right now it's just hearing either my front door opening and footsteps coming towards my room. And of course when I check nothing is there and no one is in my apartment when I go out and check the whole place. And in the last 2 hours I've checked waaaay too many times to count.
I know they are not real. This has happened an utterly insane amount of times in itself because this always happens when I use. And every time, nothing has happened to me in the end. There was never any danger it turned out aside from the danger I put myself in. I know all of it is not real and yet every time I get the belief that this time is could possibly be the one where everything comes true. So I have to be on guard. I think sometimes well if my imagination is so strong that I still believe this all regardless of how much of a logical conclusion I come to, then maybe it's real enough for me to where I make some sort of danger real.
Anyways how do i stop this without anti-psychotics or other meds? I have absolutely no access to anything.
Thank you.
EDIT: Like I stated before, I am amazed I actually posted this since my paranoia could easily say that they are also monitoring my internet use and this obviously would be bad for me to write. But I am so desperate at this point, I want this to end so bad that I don't care about that now. But in reverse, if I can break out of this in just even a small way like this, which to me is progress in seeing how this isn't real then why does everything continue regardless? I understand logic doesn't have any value here, but now it's getting to the point whereI think maybe, deep down it is real. Maybe just for me and in my head but real enough to be dangerous for me, like really dangerous. Uggghhh this fucking blows
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