Is it too late for me? Have I damaged my brain beyond recovery?

[thr0w436]

When I first started MDMA i was so responsible. I'd only use once every 3 months max, and often even longer.

Then I got into EDM and started going to concerts and festivals. Since January 2019, I've rolled about 20 times. I'll usually take 200mg and then redose 200mg at the 2 hr mark. For longer events/festivals i'll keep redosing. Most of my rolls are 400mg-600mg total, but I've done an entire gram in a night like 4 times. At my worst point of abuse (November - January), i was crying every single day. After my roll january 24 i nearly killed myself and went to a psychiatric hospital which is when i decided that I must lower my usage.

I went from January to early April without rolling and i felt better than i had in so long. I wasn't extremely depressed anymore, and I finally thought the dark part was behind me. But then I fucked up the first week of April. I took 150mg and had a VERY magical roll that lasted 6+ hours. I had no crash whatsoever from this roll. I interpreted the extreme magic, long duration, and no crash as "oh my brain must be in great condition "

So then i really fucked up 3 days later and did 400mg molly. I had a horrendous crash from that which lead me to ensue into cocaine and ketamine abuse , which lead to me fucking up AGAIN and taking 2 ecstasy pills.

I've now been clean from MDMA for 1 month and 20 days. I've been clean from ALL drugs for 19 days (longest in over a year). I also recently started a healthy vegan diet and daily exercise. I'm also going to an ayahuasca retreat in 2 weeks with the hopes of reversing some of this MDMA damage.

Do you guys think it's too late for me? Will I ever be "normal" again? I'm only 19 years old and i just feel so hopeless. I don't feel like a 100% retard but i definitely feel like my cognition is significantly impaired. I even had to take a break from college because of this. I've accepted now that long-term MDMA abuse is NOT sustainable , and I will NOT be rolling anytime until 1 year after my last roll (possibly longer). When I do resume, I will never go above 200mg/session and always wait 3 months. I really am just hoping that I'm not like this for the rest of my life. I feel like I used to be so intelligent and had a really bright future but now I've just thrown that all in the garbage. I'm depressed, have debilitating anxiety, and my IQ has definitely lowered lots.

I'm hoping to hear stories from others who have abused as bad or worse than me and made a 100% recovery. I'm really just terrified because I read many people go overboard on molly ONCE and are still suffering months or years later.

 

[AutoTripper]

You will likely have "altered" your brain, indefinitely. ( my preferred term haha ).

I altered my brain many times with seriously heavy and sustained usage.

Yes damage is one word. But it's just a word and concept and I prefer alteration which also applies.

I should not have taken the MDMA quantities I did in hindsight and I would have much sharper and better mental faculties for certain but at the same time I don't regret anything.

Sorry mate I haven't even read your post yet I'm going to do that right now I just wanted to add this perspective because I'm pretty high on kava and LSD.

 

[AutoTripper]

When I first started MDMA i was so responsible. I'd only use once every 3 months max, and often even longer.

Then I got into EDM and started going to concerts and festivals. Since January 2019, I've rolled about 20 times. I'll usually take 200mg and then redose 200mg at the 2 hr mark. For longer events/festivals i'll keep redosing. Most of my rolls are 400mg-600mg total, but I've done an entire gram in a night like 4 times. At my worst point of abuse (November - January), i was crying every single day. After my roll january 24 i nearly killed myself and went to a psychiatric hospital which is when i decided that I must lower my usage.

I went from January to early April without rolling and i felt better than i had in so long. I wasn't extremely depressed anymore, and I finally thought the dark part was behind me. But then I fucked up the first week of April. I took 150mg and had a VERY magical roll that lasted 6+ hours. I had no crash whatsoever from this roll. I interpreted the extreme magic, long duration, and no crash as "oh my brain must be in great condition "

So then i really fucked up 3 days later and did 400mg molly. I had a horrendous crash from that which lead me to ensue into cocaine and ketamine abuse , which lead to me fucking up AGAIN and taking 2 ecstasy pills.

I've now been clean from MDMA for 1 month and 20 days. I've been clean from ALL drugs for 19 days (longest in over a year). I also recently started a healthy vegan diet and daily exercise. I'm also going to an ayahuasca retreat in 2 weeks with the hopes of reversing some of this MDMA damage.

Do you guys think it's too late for me? Will I ever be "normal" again? I'm only 19 years old and i just feel so hopeless. I don't feel like a 100% retard but i definitely feel like my cognition is significantly impaired. I even had to take a break from college because of this. I've accepted now that long-term MDMA abuse is NOT sustainable , and I will NOT be rolling anytime until 1 year after my last roll (possibly longer). When I do resume, I will never go above 200mg/session and always wait 3 months. I really am just hoping that I'm not like this for the rest of my life. I feel like I used to be so intelligent and had a really bright future but now I've just thrown that all in the garbage. I'm depressed, have debilitating anxiety, and my IQ has definitely lowered lots.

I'm hoping to hear stories from others who have abused as bad or worse than me and made a 100% recovery. I'm really just terrified because I read many people go overboard on molly ONCE and are still suffering months or years later.

If it is any consolation, I took over 3000 ecstasy pills 1996 to 2005, plus lots MDMA. That's effectively 1 per day.

Yes I went way overboard. Days on end. 80 pills in a week. 10 to 15 in a night regularlarly. So many 5, 6, 7, 8 day benders plus.

I did unquestionable damage to my brain and mental faculties. But I completely accept myself and how I am now now in the way that my buy MDMA experiences have changed me.

I do not consider myself retarded or screwed up because of this past insane abuse to the point where I don't feel I could live a normal healthy and very happy life if I was not so physically ill due to long-term Lyme disease which is a separate matter altogether.

The point is you can suffer some really adverse symptoms to these drugs but that doesn't mean that permanent harm is done and it definitely doesn't mean that you can't be healthy and happy in the future.

 

[alarminglynefarious]

at 19, if you believe that you have gotten in to deep i can tell you that you most probably can make a recovery. i like to say that your brain is like a rubber band - every experience stretches it and eventually you won't be able to restore it to its proper size however you are still young and you've taken the first step recognizing that your usage is at a level where it is problematic. i'm no neuroscientist but i do know some basic psychology and unless there are other conditions that have been exacerbated by drug use [psychotic breaks and the like] i would be willing to bet you can make a FULL recovery. Even if you've had severe psychological symptoms due to drug use, you can minimize the impact they have on the rest of your body but you need to start thinking about that now. by the time you reach your early - mid twenties it will be much more difficult for your brain to return to what it was.

 

[DontBlowYourNose]

I did excessive -- almost daily -- rolls from the age of 16-19 and although my brain has surely been altered (you are not "damaged" if you had the coherency to write this post!!), I wouldn't think much of it. I didn't have access to molly at all and was taking complete garbage beans tainted with just about everything. It's good that you are concerned, but as @alarminglynefarious said, you are still young. If you are alarmed at all with your history of use and are concerned about any type of permanent impairment of a sort, simple make a conscious effort to cut down.

 

[Swim15]

If you’re 19, you likely did a lot more damage than you would have in 10 years. That said, the human body is resilient.

Keep doing everything you’re doing and you’ll get back to a good place.

On another note, I’d skip the ayahuasca right now while you’re early I’m in recovery. The MAOI isn’t going to do your brain any favors

 

[Jmoda]

You will be ok. Stay off the drugs, make sure you get steady exercise, and make sure you get good sleep. I would highly recommend supplements like l-trytophan as it helped with my depression.

Brains are amazingly great at patching themselves, so with due time and enough repair, you should be ok (although of course, everyone is different and one size does not always fit all)

 

[kush407smoke]

When I first started MDMA i was so responsible. I'd only use once every 3 months max, and often even longer.

Then I got into EDM and started going to concerts and festivals. Since January 2019, I've rolled about 20 times. I'll usually take 200mg and then redose 200mg at the 2 hr mark. For longer events/festivals i'll keep redosing. Most of my rolls are 400mg-600mg total, but I've done an entire gram in a night like 4 times. At my worst point of abuse (November - January), i was crying every single day. After my roll january 24 i nearly killed myself and went to a psychiatric hospital which is when i decided that I must lower my usage.

I went from January to early April without rolling and i felt better than i had in so long. I wasn't extremely depressed anymore, and I finally thought the dark part was behind me. But then I fucked up the first week of April. I took 150mg and had a VERY magical roll that lasted 6+ hours. I had no crash whatsoever from this roll. I interpreted the extreme magic, long duration, and no crash as "oh my brain must be in great condition "

So then i really fucked up 3 days later and did 400mg molly. I had a horrendous crash from that which lead me to ensue into cocaine and ketamine abuse , which lead to me fucking up AGAIN and taking 2 ecstasy pills.

I've now been clean from MDMA for 1 month and 20 days. I've been clean from ALL drugs for 19 days (longest in over a year). I also recently started a healthy vegan diet and daily exercise. I'm also going to an ayahuasca retreat in 2 weeks with the hopes of reversing some of this MDMA damage.

Do you guys think it's too late for me? Will I ever be "normal" again? I'm only 19 years old and i just feel so hopeless. I don't feel like a 100% retard but i definitely feel like my cognition is significantly impaired. I even had to take a break from college because of this. I've accepted now that long-term MDMA abuse is NOT sustainable , and I will NOT be rolling anytime until 1 year after my last roll (possibly longer). When I do resume, I will never go above 200mg/session and always wait 3 months. I really am just hoping that I'm not like this for the rest of my life. I feel like I used to be so intelligent and had a really bright future but now I've just thrown that all in the garbage. I'm depressed, have debilitating anxiety, and my IQ has definitely lowered lots.

I'm hoping to hear stories from others who have abused as bad or worse than me and made a 100% recovery. I'm really just terrified because I read many people go overboard on molly ONCE and are still suffering months or years later.

You'll be fine trust me I did between 400-1000mg pretty much every weekend for 4 or so years and I aint rolled in 2 years im completely fine