Is it me?

[ss12]

Hi all,
Firstly, I'm new to this - I was looking up answers for my problem and came across Bluelight, thought I could maybe get your opinions. Here goes -

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years (on & off) - we started off great, he had a wobbly couple of days where he broke it off because he was scared to commit - he had said it felt like the real thing and was just scared! We managed to get on track though and moved in together shortly after. Every aspect of our relationship is great - he gets on well with my family, we enjoy all the same things, we make each other laugh! It's good. I'm 24 & he is 28 - I was 18 when we met.

But there is ONE area that isn't that good... Well, when it's good, it's GOOD but 9/10 it sucks.... Sex!

At the beginning my boyfriend was eager to please me, he would enjoy foreplay and would touch me, kiss me & the rest of it without a helpful hand (no pun intended) - he has since admitted this was because he was trying to impress me and after 6 years there's no need to impress any more.

When he is drunk (or has been taking cocaine on a night out) we have passionate sex and foreplay (he loves to make me squirt) and makes all the right noises - but this is once in a blue moon and satisfies me for a few days but then it's mundane boring Sunday sex again!

I have to ask to initiate sex also - it's once a week, if that, and it seems so planned now, no spontaneity - which for me is what it's about!

I try to talk about how I feel with we end up arguing or falling out and it gets bottled up - which I know isn't healthy!

I have in the past found proof of him watching porn and when we've been separated he has been seen with other girls and I have in my head that I'm maybe just not good enough. It hurts me to think our relationship is just 'practical' and there's no desire or spark (on his part).

I wonder if we're just not sexually compatible (if there is such a thing) or is he hiding something? I just want to know but I don't know how to approach this with him and really want to know if anybody can help me...... Please?

I don't want to be having boring sex for the rest of my life and don't want to leave him based on this......

 

[Johnny1]

A couple questions, ss12:

Have you taken care of your body and stayed in shape?

Have you listened to him about what he wants in bed and tried to make his reasonable requests happen?

 

[Erikmen]

In States I see a lot of guys saying they are "afraid to commit". I will never understand this "pussy" behavior. Oh I´m afraid to be linked to this person. Come on! This seems ridiculous to me.

In my opinion it´s not about you. You seem to be quite mature, and if he needs alcohol and coke to have sex with you, that´s definitely not your problem. Strange the OP immediately ask about you and if you are taking good care of your body. Women take care of themselves much better than us IMO.

However, this is common in long relationships. It´s like marriage, after a number of years things start to get cold and sex becomes "operational" and then we end up discussing over small issues.

I suggest you try to spice up the relationship. Ask him about his fantasies, tell him about yours. There also couple´s therapy which really works.

All the best.
Erik

 

[ss12]

Yes to both questions.

He says, because he's older, sex just doesn't bother him & he assures me he is happy enough with the way things are.

Body image isn't a big deal for him and I haven't changed much image wise since we met.

 

[ss12]

Hi Erik,

Thanks for your comments.

I have tried to discuss trying new things, we will maybe try a new position but then the next time we do it we fall back into plain Jane missionary....

I had hoped that by discussing my feelings (not feeling attractive or desired) this would appeal to the side of him that loves me & I think if it's something I feel strongly about he should support me & try to make it better.

 

[P.o.T.u.S]

Its no ones fault this happens.lets face it, sex will not be as exciting after 6 years As it was at the start..thats just life..it comes down to just a difference in sex drives and familiarity ..does he do opiates?

but seriously? U thought that the sex will always be as good as it was when u first got together? Unreasonable expectations will only lead to suffering.

 

[MilzyWilzy]

P.o.T.u.S, I disagree with you. Why should a wonderful and connective and a loving sex life be boring after 6 years. It's what you make it, you have to put in the effort to keep things alive and keep that fire burning. That's just a shitty excuse in my opinion. ss12 I understand your frustration as my parter was the same. You say talking doesn't help, we'll try suggesting that you watch the porn together if that's your thing, me and my partner watch it together and we love it. Why not try setting up a room with candles and sexy essential oils burning, set the scene so it's relaxing and romantic. Get hold of some olive oil and suggest that you have a sexy massage session in the hope that it will lead to some awesome sexy time. Be confident hunni, talk talk talk, be open. Go out of your way to make things exciting for him, he may just be lacking in inspiration. Don't give up on it, because an amazing sex life is very healthy and fun. If you want to chat I'm only a PM away sweet.