Is it ever ok to give up on romantic love?

[nuttynutskin]

Basically since my last relationship I've pretty much given up on the idea of finding any true romantic love. It may sound pathetic but it's just how I feel. Before my last relationship I was never really in any serious relationships, or it may be more accurate to say they never progressed to that level. I was in a few and while I did love them they were short lived. Either way, the last relationship was by far the realest and most serious. Visiting each other both ways 4 times (it was long distance), going on vacations, and I was planning on moving away to be with her. This was the span of about 3 years. We were broken up once within that time frame but she ended up wanting to get back together with me. So to cut a long story short we started talking again and I ended up flying out to see her.

Once I got back it was planned that I would move there and she knew it would take some time for me to get my shit together. Things were going fine and I would talk to her often and let her know what progress I was making towards moving there as far as finding housing and such and saving money until one day I sort of sensed something was up. I really don't know exactly what it was but I felt something wasn't right. I ended up talking to her that same day and at first she says everything's fine like previous times, but when pressed she admits she gave up a long time ago and was in the process of seeing someone else. I felt a level of hurt and betrayal I still haven't felt to this day and never want to again. I became heavily depressed and damn near drank myself to death. At some point we were talking again and I pretty much decided to not burn any bridges since we were friends before anything romantic. I was never able to get an explanation from her about why she led me on for so long, why she gave up after wanting to get back together with me or anything because she would basically shut down whenever I asked her anything like that. That was 2014.

Fast forward to this day... We're still friends somehow and I actually talk on the phone with her probably at least twice a week. Also communicate on Facebook with her with casual things like sharing links or anything else friends normally do. Problem is I still feel hurt, betrayed and without answers, I just never let it show although there has been maybe one occasion where she was aware that I was jealous that she was talking about her boyfriend on there. I still love her but sometimes I feel some deep seeded resentment in how she fucked me over.

Anyways, since all of that I've pretty much given up on trying to find someone, much less someone who could put up with my ups and downs, mental problems and everything else. It again may sound pathetic but I don't know if I'll ever truly move on. That, and I also don't think I could take another failed relationship. Maybe I'm just weak, but the last one damn destroyed me despite the fact I still love her. I mean if the opportunity came along I'm not saying I wouldn't get to know someone, but I've also become extremely skeptical about people's motives. Couple that with the fact that at my age (33) just about every single woman out there has a kid or two and a bunch of baggage of their own, (not to dehumanize kids they're just not for me). So I don't know, is it wrong to just give up? Any responses would be appreciated.

 

[pofacedhoe]

she isn't your friend. a friend wont lead you on sexually, see someone else behind your back and be an ass to you

you still feel shit cos you are in contact. move on

your not over her, she loves having your attention cops she can power trip with your heart and have a real thing with another man on the side. you are in limbo on her terms because you are afraid of hurt. until she is out of your life for a few years new opportunities wont come because you wont want them and wont believe in them.

your so afraid of pain that you wont re dip your toes in the water but really the only one suffering is you so think about what is good for you, for your brain, for your heart etc.

she built you up and knocked you down so from now on take that power away from her and get some excercise regular hobbies, develop your social life more etc.

i myself am jaded but you never know what life throws so cut her out for a few years completely (she is a current trigger for never ending self wallow pity) and see if new things come

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Mhm, it's tough because you're still hurt and it doesn't seem like you've even begun dealing with that hurt. You still have so many questions and haven't even talk to her about these things. Moving on isn't pretending nothing happened (which is literally what you're doing with her now), but moving on is facing the problem, getting your emotions out, and getting answers. You may have to have a conversation with her about all this. Or, you should cut her off and try to move on and find peace in yourself regarding this situation. You're hurt and you have every right to be. That sounds so awful and I'm sure anyone would be devastated.

How do you expect to move on and find love again when you are facebooking a girl that broke your heart and makes you feel jealous when she talks about her bf?

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

I agree with Pretty Diamonds, you need to move on and cut contact from her in order to heal. She still has you fawning all over her while she's talking about having a boyfriend. It's not right. She doesn't deserve your attention. She's having her cake and eating it too. She is also an asshole for leading you on and not giving you closure. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing you're still interested anymore. Block her from Facebook. Move on.

I feel exactly the same as you about relationships now. I had a long one before and it was the most serious one I've had. There were good times, but the bad times are inevitable with my mood swings and depression. I don't want to put anyone else through that anymore.

I don't believe in love anymore, it's a temporary emotion and all of it will come to an end. Then it's nothing but a memory. As more time passes, it feels like you never even knew the person. They fade away, all the memories and love eventually dies. I crave companionship though. Someone to talk to and share my feelings with. I was watching TV and cried my eyes out seeing happy couples. TV and movies are also to blame for throwing the unrealistic ideal of love in your face and if you have no one, you feel like the biggest loser.

Relationships take way too much work and energy. I don't have anything left to give.

 

[nuttynutskin]

she isn't your friend. a friend wont lead you on sexually, see someone else behind your back and be an ass to you

Well all of this came to an end February of last year if I remember correctly. If I wasn't going to be her friend anymore it would've already happened. She was never an ass to me but did lead me on making me think things were still going ok. I was the one who chose to try to forgive her and still be friends with her, but there is still a lot of unresolved resentment and questions left unanswered. With that said we still talk about pretty much everything, make each other laugh and everything else friends do.

your not over her, she loves having your attention cops she can power trip with your heart and have a real thing with another man on the side. you are in limbo on her terms because you are afraid of hurt.

She's never tried to power trip or manipulate me. We just communicate as friends. She never talks about her dating life or anything like that to try to upset me.

until she is out of your life for a few years new opportunities wont come because you wont want them and wont believe in them.

At this point I don't think it would even matter because I've become so suspicious of people's motives in general. Not just because of her.

your so afraid of pain that you wont re dip your toes in the water but really the only one suffering is you so think about what is good for you, for your brain, for your heart etc.

I have, and I don't think it's another relationship because even if I were to find someone I would probably just go about it thinking to myself "I wonder how long this one will last?".

i myself am jaded but you never know what life throws so cut her out for a few years completely (she is a current trigger for never ending self wallow pity) and see if new things come

That's not really true either. Not trying to go against everything you say, but most of the time she's a good friend to me. There's just a part of me that is still resentful and without answers.

Moving on isn't pretending nothing happened (which is literally what you're doing with her now), but moving on is facing the problem, getting your emotions out, and getting answers. You may have to have a conversation with her about all this.

How do you expect to move on and find love again when you are facebooking a girl that broke your heart and makes you feel jealous when she talks about her bf?

She's never talked about any boyfriends (other than when we finally broke up again after she admitted she had given up), and certainly she's never rubbed it in my face. I've just seen posts on her Facebook. I'm pretty sure they've since broken up as well but that's neither here nor there.

I agree with Pretty Diamonds, you need to move on and cut contact from her in order to heal. She still has you fawning all over her while she's talking about having a boyfriend. It's not right. She doesn't deserve your attention. She's having her cake and eating it too. She is also an asshole for leading you on and not giving you closure. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing you're still interested anymore. Block her from Facebook. Move on.

Pretty much covered most of this. She doesn't talk about her dating life but when you're on social media you're gonna see what's going on. The biggest thing she did was lead me on for half a year. I think she gave up on the fact that I would ever move there.

I feel exactly the same as you about relationships now. I had a long one before and it was the most serious one I've had. There were good times, but the bad times are inevitable with my mood swings and depression. I don't want to put anyone else through that anymore.

That's a good point... I'm definitely no angel and she's put up with a lot from me too, more than most would. I think that's one of the reasons I still value her friendship.

I don't believe in love anymore, it's a temporary emotion and all of it will come to an end. Then it's nothing but a memory. As more time passes, it feels like you never even knew the person. They fade away, all the memories and love eventually dies.

I believe in love in the non romantic sense but I'm not sure about romantic love anymore. Maybe I'm just a horribly damaged romantic. As far as memories go I still had the best times of my life with her despite the bad times we had, and I don't think those memories will ever fade away.

I crave companionship though. Someone to talk to and share my feelings with. I was watching TV and cried my eyes out seeing happy couples. TV and movies are also to blame for throwing the unrealistic ideal of love in your face and if you have no one, you feel like the biggest loser.

Heh, I feel you there. It sucks to be alone and watching something where the notion of true love comes up in one way or another.

Relationships take way too much work and energy. I don't have anything left to give.

I can also totally relate, but my biggest issue really is that besides my mother I don't really trust anyone anymore. Knowing that at any instant someone can end things is extremely discouraging to me. Maybe I'm just not cut out for relationships.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

It sounds like you're defending her and your guys' relationship. I'm not attacking her. I don't think she's a bad person or anything. I just think you need to focus on YOU a little bit. I don't think she was purposefully bringing up the boyfriend to make you jealous. I think that it's not healthy for you to BE jealous of a "friend".

I don't know what to say, so I'll just repeat myself.
You need closure, you need answers, talk to her.
If you don't want to talk about it, then limit your contact from her so you can move on.

If you want to do neither, then keep doing the same thing... and you'll still feel the same, heart broken with no faith in love, lonely, sad.... up to you.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

It sounds like you're defending her and your guys' relationship. I'm not attacking her. I don't think she's a bad person or anything. I just think you need to focus on YOU a little bit. I don't think she was purposefully bringing up the boyfriend to make you jealous. I think that it's not healthy for you to BE jealous of a "friend".

I don't know what to say, so I'll just repeat myself.
You need closure, you need answers, talk to her.
If you don't want to talk about it, then limit your contact from her so you can move on.

If you want to do neither, then keep doing the same thing... and you'll still feel the same, heart broken with no faith in love, lonely, sad.... up to you.

 

[nuttynutskin]

It sounds like you're defending her and your guys' relationship. I'm not attacking her. I don't think she's a bad person or anything. I just think you need to focus on YOU a little bit. I don't think she was purposefully bringing up the boyfriend to make you jealous. I think that it's not healthy for you to BE jealous of a "friend".

I was just responding to people saying I should just cut her out completely. I don't agree with that because despite what I've said the pros outweigh the cons of me staying friends with her. We talk. We laugh. We support each other during hard times. And you're right, I shouldn't be jealous of a friend, but I think I already admitted I still have feelings for her. It's just hard to go back to being just friends after being in a relationship with someone.

I don't know what to say, so I'll just repeat myself.
You need closure, you need answers, talk to her.

I agree, and I tried when all of this went down over a year ago, but she would just become emotional on the phone and shut down. She did email me saying how sorry she was she hurt me and saying something about how she thought we were looking for different things or something to that effect. It's a time period I'd sort of like to forget honestly. Maybe one day we can talk more in depth but I don't really know.

If you want to do neither, then keep doing the same thing... and you'll still feel the same, heart broken with no faith in love, lonely, sad.... up to you.

I think there may be a misconception that I walk around all day forlorn and obsessing about her, but it's not really the truth. It's just hard sometimes. I don't have a lot of friends to begin with so if I cut her out then I'd just be down one less friend and still heart broken with no faith in love, lonely and sad. The ironic thing is I had pretty much given up on trying to find someone before her. Maybe I need a therapist or something.

 

[nuttynutskin]

Oh, did I mention sometimes when I talk to her I get the idea she still has feelings for me? HAHA.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

^ Sounds like wishful thinking.
If she did like you, you'd be together, it's as simple as that.

You can try and forget about it but you'll never be able to.... the best thing you can do is get your answers, get your voice heard, sometimes, just letting them know how much they hurt you is closure. You just need closure, I get that it's a hard conversation.... but you obviously haven't even BEGUN healing your heart. You're stuck and you need to do something else. Maybe you thought that you guys can be still very close, supportive, love, etc, and maybe that will be enough... but obviously, it isn't, is it? You still want to be in a relationship with her. You're still confused why she would break your heart like that. You're still wondering if she'll fall back in love with you and want you back... you're just waiting for her and that's not healthy.

& no, I don't think that, lol. SO many misconceptions on your part. I picture you to be quite a normal guy; however, when you make a thread titled, " is it ever ok to give up on romantic love" and you talk about getting your heart broken and basically giving up on love... it does seem quite dramatic.

If you have insurance, it'll probably cover therapy sessions, usually copay is around $15 for an hour. Maybe you should look into it. It's nice to put an hour aside a week to just vent and talk about these things.

 

[malakaix]

I can't imagine something more torturous then remaining in contact with a woman I loved knowing that it is no longer reciprocated.

To answer the thread's question, I don't think I've given up.. but I'm not as naive as I once was. I recognize that most people have no idea what they want.

 

[nuttynutskin]

^ Sounds like wishful thinking.

Except when she says things like I think you should still move here? Or makes suggestive comments on a photo? There's a lot of things I've left out because I'm trying to not write a novel. But like I said in my first post it was a long distance relationship. She's not next door, she llives 2000 or so miles away. There's a lot of bad stuff I've done that she's forgiven me for and also a lot of circumstantial things as well. Right now I don't even have the means to relocate ANYWHERE so in some regards I can't really blame her for giving up. It still hurts sometimes tho.

You can try and forget about it but you'll never be able to.... the best thing you can do is get your answers, get your voice heard, sometimes, just letting them know how much they hurt you is closure. You just need closure, I get that it's a hard conversation.... but you obviously haven't even BEGUN healing your heart. You're stuck and you need to do something else.

She already knows that she hurt me. As far as an in depth conversation, maybe some day, but right now things are good on the friendship level and I wouldn't want to jeopardize that. I'm also not sure it's anything either of us would be ready for yet.

Maybe you thought that you guys can be still very close, supportive, love, etc, and maybe that will be enough... but obviously, it isn't, is it?

Usually it is, but feelings don't just go away so easy you know?

You still want to be in a relationship with her. You're still confused why she would break your heart like that. You're still wondering if she'll fall back in love with you and want you back... you're just waiting for her and that's not healthy.

Have you gone all Freudian? lol Some of that may be true but I'm not waiting for anything. I'm just not seeking anything either. Maybe I'm just weak but I think one more failed relationship would finally end me.

& no, I don't think that, lol. SO many misconceptions on your part. I picture you to be quite a normal guy; however, when you make a thread titled, " is it ever ok to give up on romantic love" and you talk about getting your heart broken and basically giving up on love... it does seem quite dramatic.

Well I thought it would make a good change from the "Is My Penis Big Enough" or "Am I Gay Because I Saw a Dick?" threads. Either that or just look like a pity party.

 

[bingey]

Plenty of fish in the sea mate some fishermen would event warrant they drop themselves right out of the water into your bed!

 

[Vagina Lover]

Plenty of fish in the sea mate some fishermen would event warrant they drop themselves right out of the water into your bed!

That's what water beds are for

 

[JessFR]

It sounds to me like you're torturing yourself. Far from never getting into another relationship, I think getting into one might be the most effective way of getting over her WITHOUT cutting ties with her.

I know it hurts, you can't help how you feel. I'm not saying you have to specifically go out and find someone, but when women come into your lives and you like them, if they're single, go for them. But the current status quo, if you do nothing about it, could go on for a long time until you finally move on on your own, and you will eventually. But it'll be much faster if you either find someone new or cut ties with her. Or you could confront her and tell her you can't do this anymore, and she needs to make it clear what she wants. It might help. But continuing with the way things are seems like the longest and most painful choice.

 

[Lysis]

It's really hard getting over a relationship where you feel betrayed and you gave it your all, OP.

I'm more in a place of giving up on love than I was 5 years ago. I'm more tired of getting burned and just figure it's better to focus on what I got going on and not love. I feel your pain. I'm a hopeless romantic, so I think I have this tiny hope but my brain keeps telling me to continue to focus on the tangible things that I can do which is work on me and my business and forget the stuff that turns out bad in the end.

I would not stay in touch with her if you are hoping for something that she says isn't there. That's just hurting yourself. I think it's better to focus on you and just stay open to new relationships that will come along.

I know I'll meet someone but it's better to focus on positive things than hang on to someone who you kinda know is just stringing you along and doesn't appreciate you.

 

[mtnsea]

Well, reading above posts etc., I gather you both have love for each other. Romantic love appears every now and again in every kind of love. In struggle, it burns first. But, knowing this personally, it will never work if you're not in the same place. My advice, if you're free to do it--i.e. could find work that is fulfilling and have a plan to maintain other relationships that will feel distance strain--move there and see what happens. Move there so you know for sure, otherwise you'll continue to question whether you two have what it takes.

 

[pofacedhoe]

Oh, did I mention sometimes when I talk to her I get the idea she still has feelings for me? HAHA.

oh my days. you have no intention of moving on at all

i didn't mean that between you there is not a friendship only that how she has mislead you is not to me what a friend does. so stop pedestalling this one "friendship"

you are wasting your time chasing this one in your head while openly pretending you are "just friends". i can understand it ( as a gay with hot straight male friends i have had many unrequited friend/loves that go nowhere)but really if you want to be free of the shit feelings you need to get rid of the woman you are still in love with who you are jealous of her boyfriend that you talk to all the time the same way most people would a partner. because she is not your partner.

i get the feeling you dont value yourself enough to be harsh to her for you own beneift

Well I thought it would make a good change from the "Is My Penis Big Enough" or "Am I Gay Because I Saw a Dick?" threads. .

its definitely a better thread lol.

just frustrating to hear someone hurting themselves. but at the same time a good thread cos it shows all the responses of objectivity and in you the insanity of loving someone who wont love you back which we all experience when we really love someone as opposed to just enjoy fucking them and talking in a mostly shallow way.

 

[zephyr]

Yes it is ok to give up on romantic love. Its not the be all and end all and sometimes a complete break allows you to focus on yourself more.

Im on a break from that shit. A long long break. Its cathartic and peaceful. Theres other things to take its place.

Just prioritise getting ahead in life and making your plans for your future so that no one else can fuck it up for you. Travel. Jobs. Buying a house. Start building your life as you want it.

Maybe some chick will want to be with you and vice versa. Who knows? You will be content within yourself anyway and it will show.

Giving yourself a break from the bullshit of finding a relationship is like a holiday in itself.

I dont care if you stay friends with your ex or not tbh. Its only facebook so who gives a shit. She should mean no more or less to you than anyone else on there.

 

[quiet roar]

It's really hard getting over a relationship where you feel betrayed and you gave it your all, OP.

I'm more in a place of giving up on love than I was 5 years ago. I'm more tired of getting burned and just figure it's better to focus on what I got going on and not love. I feel your pain. I'm a hopeless romantic, so I think I have this tiny hope but my brain keeps telling me to continue to focus on the tangible things that I can do which is work on me and my business and forget the stuff that turns out bad in the end.

I would not stay in touch with her if you are hoping for something that she says isn't there. That's just hurting yourself. I think it's better to focus on you and just stay open to new relationships that will come along.

I know I'll meet someone but it's better to focus on positive things than hang on to someone who you kinda know is just stringing you along and doesn't appreciate you.

You and nutty should hook up.