Mental Health is anyone else here traumatized by the fact that they were willing to die for a 12 hour buzz?

[kushblowin]

i never shot up dope or meth but i was definitely getting too crazy. after a decade it just started being too much and i started using pills more and more mixed with alcohol and weed every day. i knew fentanyl was going around even though it wasnt huge when i was on drugs and i just bought whatever was labeled xanax, percocet, codeine, or mdma mixing it with alcohol blacking out not even caring what happens almost ruining my life every single time and just barely making it out alive. i didnt even wait to see how i felt on xanax just straight footballs down with beer until i woke up in bed. somehow in that hazed state i managed to source my opiates from europe and stay safe.

i finally went sober by will and just looked at myself and didnt realize how stupid i was, i was just doing ANYTHING to push the pleasure button on my brain as much as possible. when the haze finally cleared i looked around and everyone was dead, in jail, or just being useless leeches and after i tried bettering my life everyone stopped answering their phones and i just realized i wasted years being miserable, wasting all my money, around awful people, sleeping alone every night surrounded by trash and empty bottles of liquor just drinking until i blacked every single night.

it didnt get bad until the last 5 years and it was mostly weed/booze but even then that was all it took. when you have nothing to live for its just easy to say weed isnt bad or addictive and then just abuse it as much as possible and then tack on extra drugs because youre always burned out, tired, anxious. eventually i was just mixing downers with weed as much as i could so they cancel each other so i could just get as high as possible every day. i was prescribed ritalin/addies easily my entire life which didnt help anything and i wish never happened.

i just wanted to die so bad i figured the only way i would be happy would be nodding off into death. i still dont even know if ill make it ive been trying to go sober but i dont even have anyone that will talk to me for 15 minutes on the phone so i have to somehow go sober and fix my life on my own as a suicidal drug addict. i dont even know when i "quit drugs" because i was using sketchy pressed xanax to manage all the anxiety i was feeling and my "sobriety" is just a fucking blur. i keep trying to just smoke weed and laugh about it but deep down i know this is life or death

i had no money when i did most of this so i was mostly just a stoned drunk dumb ass safe in my house but now i have money, the deep web, drugs are sketchier then ever if i go back to drugs i will die. plus the whole time i was drunk i just looked like an idiot and it makes me want to die even more. even the people i knew my entire life and hung out with every day dont care if i live or die. the only people i have to talk to only talk to me to use me and they constantly try to bring me down so i just sit around all day like they do.

i dont even want to do drugs anymore i dont like the feeling its more just like a suicide method for me and i keep using weed to escape my reality falling back into it. i am literally in the perfect environment for drug addiction to take over and i have no idea what to do. ive been trying to go sober to move out of here. sometimes i just laugh on weed and randomly get smacked in the face with the idea of me not even being here doing what im doing and its traumatizing but making me rethink life.

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

I think that if you make the effort to build up you're recovery, you'll be able to reinforce making the good decisions, and will feel much better about yourself for trying. It sounds like you've been through a lot, not always making the best decisions, but you have the will to reach out for help. That's a good start. Gotta start somewhere.

 

[Poppydog]

I dunno if its helpful for you, but your post made me think about something a counsellor once said to me.
I said "I just wanna do drugs or kill myself."
He said "Well...its pretty much the same thing, right?"

Some might think that wasnt a smart thing for him to say, but it helped me see that I had a death-wish and that doing drugs was just a slower route to the same destination as suicide.

 

[dragonix]

I should be gotta make some changes here report back when I do something smart for my recovery I dont wanna hurt myself but I am destroying myself and it must hurt others around me to see at least my family

 

[n3ophy7e]

I should be gotta make some changes here report back when I do something smart for my recovery I dont wanna hurt myself but I am destroying myself and it must hurt others around me to see at least my family

Your family would definitely be hurting, seeing you destroy yourself with drugs. They love you unconditionally and they want you to be safe, healthy and happy

 

[Jabberwocky]

When I was an injecting drug user I used to mix up my shots and say quite literally “well this is going to blow my mind or kill me” and not care either way. It was total lack of care whether I lived or died relative to getting the maximum hit possible that caused me to want to stop injecting. I’ve always had good things worth living for and caring so little about them made no sense.