Investment in others is a total waste of time (for me)

[Vados]

I'm not really sure where to begin as what I'm going to talk about spans over a history of decades, but I am just completely lost so hopefully this won't be too long. In a nutshell, I have horrible luck with women, and by luck, I mean that my time, love, thoughts, and affection is never reciprocated by those I give them to.

I'm one of those persons people ask, "How is it you're still single?" because I am apparently a "great catch". I never have an answer for them. I've been chasing girls since I was a boy, and they've always ran the other direction. That's not to say I have NO luck with girls. I actually have no idea how many I've slept with, but just about every girl I have been with pursued me. A small number of these girls were the type I would chase had they not beat me to it, and that was awesome, and I thank the stars for them. But most were girls I settled for since I pined for the affections of a female.

I know I am not alone with this. And I ask right now, that if you decide to read and reply to this please know that I am 38 years old and have heard all the cliché advise regarding the matter. I'm looking for a fresh perspective. A great example would be, right now you might be thinking that I am investing in the wrong people, which is perfectly logical and makes sense. I get that I just don't have the good fortune other guys have where they can advance towards someone who hasn't shown interest in them, and they gain it by asking them out...

... So how am I supposed to feel when I get the same result when I ask out someone I am into who is also into me? How am I supposed to feel when I ask a girl I'm into to hang out, and she agrees, and then doesn't follow through? How am I supposed to feel when I supposedly have everything a woman wants, but get rejected time and time again? It'd be easier if I was unattractive, still living at home, unemployed, no transportation, or lack any means whatsoever to be able to provide. At least there would by rhyme and reason to it; yet, there are guys out there that fit this description who have more luck than I do.

A combination of repeated rejection, disappointment, and abandonment has left me with an extreme fear of intimacy. It has escalated the point that if I actually did start dating a girl I was into, I'd very likely sabotage it due to the constant fear of her disappointing me and/or abandoning me. It's ridiculous, and I give up. There is absolutely no point at all to investing my emotions into ANYONE anymore. Companionship just isn't in the hand I was dealt. It's mid-summer and I am experiencing a very cold winter right now.

 

[pofacedhoe]

your expectations are very tv based- oh things will be perfect and seamless and i wont have to have bad feelings. wah wah wah

i too also am sick of the chase. when they chase me they dont seem to loose interest but the ones i chase always mess me about.

i think if you want something you have to go for it and you need to learn to take rejection on the chin. at 38 you should grow some thicker skin.

the energy and attitude we put out there attracts others and feeling sorry for yourself despite your success with girls in the past is silly, lots of people have terrible ill health and don't even get sex at all or maybe once or twice in a lifetime. be grateful and appreciate the good things that you have had and believe more good things will come your way.

you and your attitude are the problem. get out and do some exercise and stop ruminating on the past. you gain nothing from feeling sorry for yourself. yes the world is full of flaky people. what a surprize?

 

[P.o.T.u.S]

If all you know is rejection and abandonment of course you are going to be apathetic towards finding intimacy.its all u know so it's goin to be hard to find motivation to date woman when u are sure it's goin to lead to failure.the trick is to accept that it happened,learn from the situation, and move on

the sad thing is I feel the same way u do about finding a relationship..every girl I have ever put any kind of emotion into has left me alone, in some cases we got along really well it's just things happen..but if I meet a girl now I'm goin to try and be my true self without any of the past holding me down with fear. Oh well I've failed in the past, that means absolutely nothing in this present moment.

I've realized that being alone has its positives and negatives just like a relationship..u seem to be unhappy about being alonebut I really like it,,could be the age difference I'm only 27. At 38 the "social expectation" is to be married with kids so there will be added pressure..it just comes down with u accepting that these things have happened and to keep trying.you are not entitled to a mate,u have to find her..

 

[thujone]

OP your experiences sound a lot like those of a close mate of mine who is just getting into his 30s but has always been in and out of relationships with girls who pursued him and ended up leaving him. He has major self-confidence issues despite having good looks, smarts, promising career and nice car.

Now maybe it's unrelated, but when you say:

I get that I just don't have the good fortune other guys have where they can advance towards someone who hasn't shown interest in them, and they gain it by asking them out...

that sounds like a confidence issue. Why are you trying to attribute to fortune what others accomplish through their own will? I could be wrong but it really sounds like you don't believe in yourself and you're in denial about it.

 

[psychedelicsoul]

I recommend adopting the player lifestyle. You don't need a committed relationship to be happy. But sex will make you happy.

If you think about it, love has a wider margin for error than sex. With sex, unless you don't wear a condom, there's very little chance for problems. With love, there's a huge possiblity for many, many problems.

 

[Vados]

your expectations are very tv based- oh things will be perfect and seamless and i wont have to have bad feelings. wah wah wah

i too also am sick of the chase. when they chase me they dont seem to loose interest but the ones i chase always mess me about.

i think if you want something you have to go for it and you need to learn to take rejection on the chin. at 38 you should grow some thicker skin.

the energy and attitude we put out there attracts others and feeling sorry for yourself despite your success with girls in the past is silly, lots of people have terrible ill health and don't even get sex at all or maybe once or twice in a lifetime. be grateful and appreciate the good things that you have had and believe more good things will come your way.

you and your attitude are the problem. get out and do some exercise and stop ruminating on the past. you gain nothing from feeling sorry for yourself. yes the world is full of flaky people. what a surprize?

I'm all for constructive criticism, but this response is filled with the cliché retorts that I spoke of in my OP.

You really believe your skin gets thicker as you get older? It doesn't. Resolve is what allows things to get stronger. When you're continuously rejected and abandoned, there's no resolution. You don't get used to it. It eats away at you. If had more success, this post wouldn't exist.

The energy and attitude you put out is what attracts others? Do you think in 38 years I haven't tried that, or try to believe in it? That's not how it is. Not at all. People are drawn to what they are drawn to, simple as that. I take nothing for granted, and I appreciate all I have whether given, or worked for. Unfortunately, I cannot say the same for those I have invested my time and emotion into. It'd be one thing if they flat out rejected me. I can take that. But when they tell me they're down, and even put time into me only to take it away, it fucking hurts. It hurts really fucking bad.

Me and my attitude isn't intrinsic. I used to be a guy FULL of hope and empty emotional baggage. My piss poor outlook is a result of continuous disappointment. I've taken the risks, I've held my head up high. I've believed that something better was around the corner. I've held a strong workout regimen to maintain confidence. I've waited. I've settled. I've done everything you can possibly think of. I'm not feeling sorry myself. I'm bitter as fuck and sick of the entire world. I feel sorry for those who've taken me for granted, because they've truly missed out.

 

[Vados]

OP your experiences sound a lot like those of a close mate of mine who is just getting into his 30s but has always been in and out of relationships with girls who pursued him and ended up leaving him. He has major self-confidence issues despite having good looks, smarts, promising career and nice car.

Now maybe it's unrelated, but when you say:



that sounds like a confidence issue. Why are you trying to attribute to fortune what others accomplish through their own will? I could be wrong but it really sounds like you don't believe in yourself and you're in denial about it.

Oh, my confidence is shot to hell. Not too long ago a young pretty waitress practically threw herself at me. She couldn't have given a brighter green light to ask for her number, and I didn't ask for it because I liked her too. My nephew who looks up to me was sitting with me, and I couldn't take what I perceived as a sure-fire rejection right in front of him. Later, him and the others I was with asked me why on Earth didn't I ask her for her number. Trust me I'm not in denial. I admit that I don't believe in myself anymore.

 

[Vados]

I recommend adopting the player lifestyle. You don't need a committed relationship to be happy. But sex will make you happy.

If you think about it, love has a wider margin for error than sex. With sex, unless you don't wear a condom, there's very little chance for problems. With love, there's a huge possiblity for many, many problems.

Those days are so behind me. I can't very well expect a woman to be true to me when I'm playing her. Believe me, I've thought about it. Even if I wanted to pursue things that way, my confidence is shot to hell. My player card would be straight up denied. But I do agree, that sex would be pretty awesome. But my days of settling just to get laid are also behind me. I want to have sex with someone I am actually really attracted to. Otherwise my performance is shit anyway.

 

[Vados]

If all you know is rejection and abandonment of course you are going to be apathetic towards finding intimacy.its all u know so it's goin to be hard to find motivation to date woman when u are sure it's goin to lead to failure.the trick is to accept that it happened,learn from the situation, and move on

the sad thing is I feel the same way u do about finding a relationship..every girl I have ever put any kind of emotion into has left me alone, in some cases we got along really well it's just things happen..but if I meet a girl now I'm goin to try and be my true self without any of the past holding me down with fear. Oh well I've failed in the past, that means absolutely nothing in this present moment.

I've realized that being alone has its positives and negatives just like a relationship..u seem to be unhappy about being alonebut I really like it,,could be the age difference I'm only 27. At 38 the "social expectation" is to be married with kids so there will be added pressure..it just comes down with u accepting that these things have happened and to keep trying.you are not entitled to a mate,u have to find her..

Thank you. You definitely sound like you understand a good deal. I know nothing is going to happen bathing in self-misery and not putting myself out there. I'm just really scared and feel defeated.

 

[belfort]

I recommend adopting the player lifestyle. You don't need a committed relationship to be happy. But sex will make you happy.

If you think about it, love has a wider margin for error than sex. With sex, unless you don't wear a condom, there's very little chance for problems. With love, there's a huge possiblity for many, many problems.

you sound pretty young..at least i hope you are young having made that statement..being a player at the age of 38 is not cool nor will it make you happy..well, 99% of the time it wont make one happy...

OP made a statement that he has given up..i definitely understand his position as im 36 and i see relationships as being much more hassle and work tha they are worth..one night stands are boring now too so can a man or woman truly live alone the rest of his/her life and be happy?its hard to say..

 

[pofacedhoe]

I'm all for constructive criticism, but this response is filled with the cliché retorts that I spoke of in my OP.

You really believe your skin gets thicker as you get older? It doesn't. Resolve is what allows things to get stronger. When you're continuously rejected and abandoned, there's no resolution. You don't get used to it. It eats away at you. If had more success, this post wouldn't exist.

The energy and attitude you put out is what attracts others? Do you think in 38 years I haven't tried that, or try to believe in it? That's not how it is. Not at all. People are drawn to what they are drawn to, simple as that. I take nothing for granted, and I appreciate all I have whether given, or worked for. Unfortunately, I cannot say the same for those I have invested my time and emotion into. It'd be one thing if they flat out rejected me. I can take that. But when they tell me they're down, and even put time into me only to take it away, it fucking hurts. It hurts really fucking bad.

Me and my attitude isn't intrinsic. I used to be a guy FULL of hope and empty emotional baggage. My piss poor outlook is a result of continuous disappointment. I've taken the risks, I've held my head up high. I've believed that something better was around the corner. I've held a strong workout regimen to maintain confidence. I've waited. I've settled. I've done everything you can possibly think of. I'm not feeling sorry myself. I'm bitter as fuck and sick of the entire world. I feel sorry for those who've taken me for granted, because they've truly missed out.

again you dont seem to appreciate what has gone well.

if you are depressed that doesn't mean the whole world is bad.

rejected continuously? ffs that is life. you have to keep going and stop taking it personally.

do you walk 5 miles everyday to get water and lack basic medical care? no? then maybe be glad for the good you do have.

appreciate what has gone well and stop obsessing over how everything isn't perfect. it never will be

as for thick skin you develop that by putting yourself in situations that develop you as a person. if you cannot take an insult or someone being selfish then the problem is your mood not the world cos there are worse things in life than being dumped or having someone be rude in how they talk to you.

you could have no food/home

no friends or family

the constant threat of life or death violence.

i dont have these things and for that i am grateful

 

[Vados]

again you dont seem to appreciate what has gone well.

if you are depressed that doesn't mean the whole world is bad.

rejected continuously? ffs that is life. you have to keep going and stop taking it personally.

do you walk 5 miles everyday to get water and lack basic medical care? no? then maybe be glad for the good you do have.

appreciate what has gone well and stop obsessing over how everything isn't perfect. it never will be

as for thick skin you develop that by putting yourself in situations that develop you as a person. if you cannot take an insult or someone being selfish then the problem is your mood not the world cos there are worse things in life than being dumped or having someone be rude in how they talk to you.

you could have no food/home

no friends or family

the constant threat of life or death violence.

i dont have these things and for that i am grateful

Again, I am grateful for what I have. Just because I am down and out on intimate relations doesn't mean I don't recognize the horrors of the world, and that there are people in far worse situations, but it also doesn't lessen the pain from my own experiences. I think it is ridiculous to invalidate someone's emotional distress because they're more privileged. In fact, it is quite rude.

I suppose I should mention that I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. While I won't go into that in great detail, it might provide some insight into my "fuck the world" mentality. I am, or was anyway, in therapy for the condition. For nearly two years. After I posted this, I recognized that I was emotionally dysregulated, and my symptoms were flared. I'm feeling better now and not saying fuck everyone and everything. The hope and confidence returns as well, but we can start counting the days, perhaps even hours before it happens again.

I do appreciate your input though I know I come off a little hostile. I'm a passionate person. What has really helped is you telling me to just keep going, and don't take it personally. Easier said than done, but I'll do it.

 

[pofacedhoe]

Again, I am grateful for what I have. Just because I am down and out on intimate relations doesn't mean I don't recognize the horrors of the world, and that there are people in far worse situations, but it also doesn't lessen the pain from my own experiences. I think it is ridiculous to invalidate someone's emotional distress because they're more privileged. In fact, it is quite rude.

I suppose I should mention that I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. While I won't go into that in great detail, it might provide some insight into my "fuck the world" mentality. I am, or was anyway, in therapy for the condition. For nearly two years. After I posted this, I recognized that I was emotionally dysregulated, and my symptoms were flared. I'm feeling better now and not saying fuck everyone and everything. The hope and confidence returns as well, but we can start counting the days, perhaps even hours before it happens again.

I do appreciate your input though I know I come off a little hostile. I'm a passionate person. What has really helped is you telling me to just keep going, and don't take it personally. Easier said than done, but I'll do it.

its not invalidation its putting a perspective on it. making a realistic comparison of what worse things could happen to make it seem less shit

borderlines are the worst for taking everything personally (including leaving for work in the morning). the whole thread makes sense now.

one of my friends has it pretty severe and she is very funny but too much to handle in a relationship. cheating, drug/alcohol abuse, violence, unpredictable behaviour (running away). fun as a friend but you need an iron will to tolerate that shit from a partner

these women aren't rejecting you personally they are just moving on.

also intense connections that come about quickly can put people off, to me they are a red flag.

if you are super into me in a very quick time, how long until that swings in the opposite direction? so maybe just chill, cos when you act like you are very into someone it will not turn them on as much as remaining slightly unavailable.

 

[Vados]

its not invalidation its putting a perspective on it. making a realistic comparison of what worse things could happen to make it seem less shit

borderlines are the worst for taking everything personally (including leaving for work in the morning). the whole thread makes sense now.

one of my friends has it pretty severe and she is very funny but too much to handle in a relationship. cheating, drug/alcohol abuse, violence, unpredictable behaviour (running away). fun as a friend but you need an iron will to tolerate that shit from a partner

these women aren't rejecting you personally they are just moving on.

also intense connections that come about quickly can put people off, to me they are a red flag.

if you are super into me in a very quick time, how long until that swings in the opposite direction? so maybe just chill, cos when you act like you are very into someone it will not turn them on as much as remaining slightly unavailable.

It's difficult for a non to know what a borderline goes through. We always take rejection personally no matter how much anyone will claim that it isn't. Even if somewhere in the back of our heads we know things aren't personal, they will still register that way. We can't help it anymore than we can stop the planet from rotating. All we can do is learn to cope with it afterwards instead of rushing into impulsive self-damaging behaviour. I hope I am making sense?

BPD is just severe in general. The question is how functional one remains. But typically the biggest trigger IS an emotional connection whether real or fantasized they ARE ALWAYS intense. It's the only way to sustain the interest of a borderline. With all that said it really isn't possible to stop a borderline from going 0-60 with a person of interest before he/she has even left the line. But with good and consistent therapy they can deal with the triggers their partner pulls without emotionally pounding them, or themselves into the ground.

That remaining slightly unavailable is also something I know I have trouble with. Rather easy with someone trying to get with me I have little to no interest in. But if I do and she/he texts me, snapchats, etc. guess what happens?

OMG she texted me!
Should I send a message, or wait a bit?
Maybe I shouldn't send one at all…
No, I don't want her to lose interest..
But she might lose interest if I do?
Send one, but be kinda douchey
These shorts seriously don't match my shirt, I should change
I feel like ice cream
I'm taking too long
Why hasn't she sent me another message yet?
I bet she doesn't like me at all
I like Ridiculousness hahaha!

Message actually sent after about 15min to an hour: "Hey"

 

[belfort]

It's difficult for a non to know what a borderline goes through. We always take rejection personally no matter how much anyone will claim that it isn't. Even if somewhere in the back of our heads we know things aren't personal, they will still register that way. We can't help it anymore than we can stop the planet from rotating. All we can do is learn to cope with it afterwards instead of rushing into impulsive self-damaging behaviour. I hope I am making sense?

BPD is just severe in general. The question is how functional one remains. But typically the biggest trigger IS an emotional connection whether real or fantasized they ARE ALWAYS intense. It's the only way to sustain the interest of a borderline. With all that said it really isn't possible to stop a borderline from going 0-60 with a person of interest before he/she has even left the line. But with good and consistent therapy they can deal with the triggers their partner pulls without emotionally pounding them, or themselves into the ground.

That remaining slightly unavailable is also something I know I have trouble with. Rather easy with someone trying to get with me I have little to no interest in. But if I do and she/he texts me, snapchats, etc. guess what happens?

OMG she texted me!
Should I send a message, or wait a bit?
Maybe I shouldn't send one at all…
No, I don't want her to lose interest..
But she might lose interest if I do?
Send one, but be kinda douchey
These shorts seriously don't match my shirt, I should change
I feel like ice cream
I'm taking too long
Why hasn't she sent me another message yet?
I bet she doesn't like me at all
I like Ridiculousness hahaha!

Message actually sent after about 15min to an hour: "Hey"

im not pretending to know what a borderline goes through but much of what you typed in how you respond in a relationship is the way many people respond..many people get hyper sensitive and over-react in the beginning stages of a relationship..thats why many people hate starting all over with someone new but if you want it badly enough, you will go through the trouble..

u are good looking and have a good job and women do hit on you so your self confidence shouldnt be that low..u just seem to be attracted to the wrong women so u will have to settle..im sort of in the same spot..

 

[Vados]

im not pretending to know what a borderline goes through but much of what you typed in how you respond in a relationship is the way many people respond..many people get hyper sensitive and over-react in the beginning stages of a relationship..thats why many people hate starting all over with someone new but if you want it badly enough, you will go through the trouble..

u are good looking and have a good job and women do hit on you so your self confidence shouldnt be that low..u just seem to be attracted to the wrong women so u will have to settle..im sort of in the same spot..

Well, the first thing that lets a borderline know you are indeed a non, is when you say "that sounds like what most people go through." But that thought process I mentioned was an example of how I have trouble being slightly unavailable, and not necessarily the BPD. As I still messaged her back 15 minutes to an hour later.

When pofacedho mentioned to remain slightly unavailable, I know exactly what she's talking about. Girls who have chased me, only chased me harder if I avoided them. I was able to avoid them though because I had no interest them. Of course the reverse is true as well, and I believe it is for many people. It's not an uncommon problem. The issue I strictly pointed out was when the interest is actually, and finally mutual, I do something (or don't do something) to lose it, and I believe she made a great point with the unavailability comment.

I think it is so stupid that I have to play this stupid little fucking game of deliberately avoiding someone I want to be around more than anything or anyone in the world to keep her attention. She's contacting ME! That should tell me that she is thinking about me, and would like to hear from me. Well, that's what I want too, so what the fuck? How do people even fucking hookup if they avoid each other? My longest relationship was a little over two years, and I honestly don't even know or remember how in the hell that even happened.

I'll never settle dude. I've been through too much to do that.

 

[Kid Amine]

masturbation is underrated.

 

[pofacedhoe]

It's difficult for a non to know what a borderline goes through. We always take rejection personally no matter how much anyone will claim that it isn't. Even if somewhere in the back of our heads we know things aren't personal, they will still register that way. We can't help it anymore than we can stop the planet from rotating. All we can do is learn to cope with it afterwards instead of rushing into impulsive self-damaging behaviour. I hope I am making sense?

BPD is just severe in general. The question is how functional one remains. But typically the biggest trigger IS an emotional connection whether real or fantasized they ARE ALWAYS intense. It's the only way to sustain the interest of a borderline. With all that said it really isn't possible to stop a borderline from going 0-60 with a person of interest before he/she has even left the line. But with good and consistent therapy they can deal with the triggers their partner pulls without emotionally pounding them, or themselves into the ground.

That remaining slightly unavailable is also something I know I have trouble with. Rather easy with someone trying to get with me I have little to no interest in. But if I do and she/he texts me, snapchats, etc. guess what happens?

OMG she texted me!
Should I send a message, or wait a bit?
Maybe I shouldn't send one at all…
No, I don't want her to lose interest..
But she might lose interest if I do?
Send one, but be kinda douchey
These shorts seriously don't match my shirt, I should change
I feel like ice cream
I'm taking too long
Why hasn't she sent me another message yet?
I bet she doesn't like me at all
I like Ridiculousness hahaha!

Message actually sent after about 15min to an hour: "Hey"

thats pretty funny

yeah maybe its always intense, maybe the only option is to appear like its not intense when it is for a while until you know them better. generally for anyone laying all your cards out early is unwise

and yes i understand about the rejection thing. i have an older relative who constantly moans she has no-one to talk to. she has a LOT of visitors and comes out with dramatic declarations regularly, i take it with a pinch of salt. when you leave her house she gets in a bad mood. i love her anyway but you have to laugh at the dramatisations

 

[Lady_Hurricane]

OMG she texted me!
Should I send a message, or wait a bit?
Maybe I shouldn't send one at all…
No, I don't want her to lose interest..
But she might lose interest if I do?
Send one, but be kinda douchey
These shorts seriously don't match my shirt, I should change
I feel like ice cream
I'm taking too long
Why hasn't she sent me another message yet?
I bet she doesn't like me at all
I like Ridiculousness hahaha!

Message actually sent after about 15min to an hour: "Hey"

This is exactly what happens to me. I've also been told I have BPD (but I don't pay much attention to diagnosis; I despise the thought of being lumped in a category like that and I have far more faith in my own ability to deal with things as an individual than placing my trust in the psychiatric sector, which has no outright solution anyway, but instead provides coping mechanisms - pretty sure I can do that myself.) Anyway - I'm ten years younger than the OP, but my situation is such that I have no interest in relationships - instead I focus on flings and this works for me because I have other ambitions that are more deserving of my time. But because of my nature, even a fling that ends in rejection is incredibly bruising to the ego. A couple of weeks back I met someone who I had an enjoyable time with and who was very into me, but who was trying to repress his sexual desire for me; that intrigued me - I ended up chasing him and he ended up brushing me off, choosing his own issues, or whatever it was, over his desire. Or he could have just lost interest, haha. That was a definite blow to the ego. But even though the nature of my 'relationships' is more shallow than the depth that the bf/gf thing has, I still feel things intensely and passionately as though they were something more; my solution to trying to control these emotions was to develop a mindset of "moving swiftly on". This cannot, in any way, eliminate or downplay the strength of the emotions themselves, but it keeps them under control so I don't end up wallowing in my own misery, which is detrimental to myself and my goals. As a result, I tend to get over people in the space of a few days and within a week they're more or less a distant memory.

So I don't blame the OP for feeling like he wants to give up on relationships as a whole; I already did that some time ago. Despite what could be described as an overwhelming intense need for it, I couldn't handle them due to a combination of rubbish partners and my own volatile behaviour. So I compromised with flings and focussed on my ambitions, and this works for me because it keeps me steady, but also feeds that "wild rush" I have inside me. We're all different and are only as capable with what we were given, mind, body or soul, so it's futile to expect someone to feel/think a certain way just because we ourselves feel/think this way - just have to make the best with what we've got and do what works for us! The OP may not ever find someone or he might, but if it is something he truly wants then I would honestly say that it is something he may have to take steps towards to increase his chances of success, despite the obstacles - fear, lack of confidence, personality dysfunction. If he has the strength to do this, as well as deal with his own nature which takes a lot of strength in itself, then it can be done.

 

[Vados]

@Lady_Hurricane
Ten years ago, flings were how I got by as well. I was out and about more, so meeting people was easier even if only by happenstance. If you're anything like me, in the next several years, they will start to become unfulfilling. Kind of like a vampire choosing animal blood over human. Time to time, I'll still go this route. My last fling was a little under four months ago.

Your perspective on the diagnosis and treatment was a big reason why I left therapy. It still helps to talk to someone, but in all honesty, a therapist is akin to buying a whore to fulfill your needs. You can't really find someone to listen to your shit, so you pay someone to, you know?

I mentioned my age in hopes that people would understand that I am more than accustomed to the common mentality and solutions about such situations. To the point that reaching the conclusion that I'm just cursed begins to hold some merit. But there is still a lot of validity in telling me that I just have to keep pushing. I really am not one to give up and I somehow find the strength to keep going. I just hope whatever it is that's doing it doesn't run out of fuel. Just know that every attempt hurts really fucking bad.