Do you have some aversion to describing the trip itself and the immediate implications?
You've said a lot of things which don't make any sense.
I realise that a lot of my posts may not make sense as they've been written in the moment. Here's the thing: about this time last year, I'd had enough of drinking, drugs etc because i've got a daughter to raise (on my own so far). i had also been taking meds for PTSD, cannabis, wellbutrin, cloazepam, adderall, gabapentin, ambien, effexor (that was a bitch to get off! seemed like 6 months of crying all the time) and some others...
then i began a shamanic process called 'soul retrieval' and combined that with a 2-session self designed mdma treatment for ptsd... it all was going really really well - i got off all my meds (even most cannabis)
I know now that the shamanic practitioner i've been working with did not have the skills to deal with the level of trauma i've experienced, and i make up that before she figured that out she 'tough loved' me a little too harshly, but i went along it because i thought she knew what she was doing. I love her very much and I know she loves me, like I always wanted my own mother to love me.
So now she's referred me to someone else (who I'm seeing today) and i'm hopeful but at the same time, 10 years ago I reached out for help to anyone and everyone i could think of (and was in a highly suggestible state - -which links up with @helpmehelptheworld and my perception at that time was that each time I reached out i heard derisive laughter, felt shame and another bridge was burned. I was terribly afraid that I was being left out of the collective, and in fact did attempt suicide (failed attempt) - and then i couldn't find a way to do it without hurting someone else... i even tried to take myself out with the garbage.
anyway - recently i'm back on meds because i began having suicidal thoughts again (wellbutrin, adderall, gabapentin, clonazepam, cannabis)