Incredibly lonely

[user name1]

Hello to all my fellow BLers,

once again i am facing the abyss, the nothingness of my existence and all the self pity in the world.
i am a miserable fuck that for years and years just going through the motions like some kind of algorithm or a malfunctioning robotic limb - sometimes numb to the world around me and sometimes it's like the weight of the world is crushing me down.
i'm hopeless and the worst part is that i think I've lost my sense of humor, which was the only thing that was holding me together when things are rough. there's this saying "hope is the last thing that dies" but in my case humor is the last thing that dies, without it i'd rather be dead and buried, everything in life is bullshit except for the ability to laugh at ourselves and at the stupidity of human nature - without that ability i think i am truly doomed and i'm scared shitless.

sometimes i accept my loneliness and my severe mistrust in others, i've been betrayed and disappointed repeatedly by "friends" and do-gooders, all those PC assholes with their hypocritical moral high ground façade, swiping big daddy's plastic or talking about all the injustice, poverty and corruption while sipping latte's in a fashionable café, terrorizing the waiter about the lack of crispness in the organic lettuce salad - they never knew hunger or the trauma and this crippling fear of being thrown out of their home to the street by some slumlord. i don't hate people i just don't trust them and i am so lonely (by design) and i have only myself to blame for instead of turning a blind eye obliviously on the human condition i just dug deeper, no matter the consequences, into trying to understand this self serving, egotistic and vile creature (myself included ofc). in the end all i got left is me -while proud of not being a PC hypocrite asshole i am just a thieving, lying bastard and a fucking senseless junkie.

well, i am sorry for this ranting and raving bullshit but that what heroin does sometimes...
stay in school kids and just say no!

 

[Jabberwocky]

Me too (except the thieving lying bit anymore). Hang in there. There’s more of us than you think.

 

[Asclepius]

" i am facing the abyss, the nothingness of my existence and all the self pity in the world."
Ah, that old, chestnut !

Be good to you. Practice patience ( even through it is your worst enemy). Feel sorry for yourself but mock yourself, with countermeasure.
Also, get cozy, eat nice food, wrap yourself up in love of anything you have/can remember and remember, states change. Be better to yourself, you got to aim to be cognizant of making up the deficit, to you, soon.

 

[user name1]

" i am facing the abyss, the nothingness of my existence and all the self pity in the world."
Ah, that old, chestnut !

Be good to you. Practice patience ( even through it is your worst enemy). Feel sorry for yourself but mock yourself, with countermeasure.
Also, get cozy, eat nice food, wrap yourself up in love of anything you have/can remember and remember, states change. Be better to yourself, you got to aim to be cognizant of making up the deficit, to you, soon.

thank you my friend for your kind and wise words. i know you are right and i do try to comfort myself in anyway i can think of. it's very hard to stop this self-flagellation as i believe i got addicted, or at least used to doing that to myself regularly - it's like i am addicted to suffering and being in a state of depression for some perverse reason. maybe it's the only things i know how to do well in this existence and will always feel like (no matter in what situation i find myself in) that i can slip back into this cocoon, this embryo-like existence (it's just a euphemism to me getting high on H and fantasizing being back in my mother's womb), to fall and to not get up on purpose, to just stay down and roll around in the shit...

anyways i'm just talking out of my ass trying to justify being bitter, lazy and broken beyond repair...

 

[jose ribas da silva]

Are you a man or woman?

 

[user name1]

Are you a man or woman?

I can't see the difference but I'm a man..

 

[deficiT]

Definitely feel you on the loneliness bit. And I'm sure your sense of humor will come back, you just gotta use it.

 

[Snafu in the Void]

No matter how lonely or depressed I get, the one thing I love about myself is I always have a sense of humor.

Doesn't matter how dark I feel, I will lmao, sometimes even when I'm writing "funny" things on BL or posting memes

It makes me laugh

whether it makes others laugh I don't really care, it's why I'm so facetious and silly all the time - it makes me feel a little bit better about my day when I laugh (even if I'm all alone)

you gotta laugh in life man

 

[Asclepius]

thank you my friend for your kind and wise words. i know you are right and i do try to comfort myself in anyway i can think of. it's very hard to stop this self-flagellation as i believe i got addicted, or at least used to doing that to myself regularly - it's like i am addicted to suffering and being in a state of depression for some perverse reason. maybe it's the only things i know how to do well in this existence and will always feel like (no matter in what situation i find myself in) that i can slip back into this cocoon, this embryo-like existence (it's just a euphemism to me getting high on H and fantasizing being back in my mother's womb), to fall and to not get up on purpose, to just stay down and roll around in the shit...

anyways i'm just talking out of my ass trying to justify being bitter, lazy and broken beyond repair...

Your honesty is beautiful; keep it with yourself ( close to you) and remember suffering is a part of life - dont overdose on it ( get back to baseline;straight) - psychollogically, and physically. Embryo-like existence can be got through sleep and warm experiences - once you got yourself back to health. Aim for being well my friend ;despite the BS in life.

*Sorry for the clichés; but some will become, actually true

 

[neversickanymore]

thank you my friend for your kind and wise words. i know you are right and i do try to comfort myself in anyway i can think of. it's very hard to stop this self-flagellation as i believe i got addicted, or at least used to doing that to myself regularly - it's like i am addicted to suffering and being in a state of depression for some perverse reason. maybe it's the only things i know how to do well in this existence and will always feel like (no matter in what situation i find myself in) that i can slip back into this cocoon, this embryo-like existence (it's just a euphemism to me getting high on H and fantasizing being back in my mother's womb), to fall and to not get up on purpose, to just stay down and roll around in the shit...

anyways i'm just talking out of my ass trying to justify being bitter, lazy and broken beyond repair...

Reevaluate your memory of H addiction .. Progressed H addiction is a non stop nightmare. Addiction will throw a hell of a fantasy at us.. was it ever even like that.. nope

 

[n3ophy7e]

Reevaluate your memory of H addiction .. Progressed H addiction is a non stop nightmare. Addiction will throw a hell of a fantasy at us.. was it ever even like that.. nope

Very very wise words.

thank you my friend for your kind and wise words. i know you are right and i do try to comfort myself in anyway i can think of. it's very hard to stop this self-flagellation as i believe i got addicted, or at least used to doing that to myself regularly - it's like i am addicted to suffering and being in a state of depression for some perverse reason. maybe it's the only things i know how to do well in this existence and will always feel like (no matter in what situation i find myself in) that i can slip back into this cocoon, this embryo-like existence (it's just a euphemism to me getting high on H and fantasizing being back in my mother's womb), to fall and to not get up on purpose, to just stay down and roll around in the shit...

anyways i'm just talking out of my ass trying to justify being bitter, lazy and broken beyond repair...

I have a close friend who is stuck in this cycle as well. It's very difficult to get out of, cos you're right, it's an addiction in itself. Have you/do you see a therapist?

 

[user name1]

Very very wise words.



I have a close friend who is stuck in this cycle as well. It's very difficult to get out of, cos you're right, it's an addiction in itself. Have you/do you see a therapist?

i've seen a LOT of therapists and psychiatrists, social and welfare workers - the lot of them.. i was in mental hospital twice for a six months stint each after trying to kill myself twice about 10 years ago (a cry for help really if i am being honest) -
i must admit that therapy did more harm then good to me and for about a decade ago i decided to never again ask for help from p-docs, psychologists and other mental health "professionals". it's very hard to have not an outlet but i do try to help myself by writing and to truly enjoy the small stuff - gardening, drinking tea and coffee, a good meal etc. I've always held the belief that life is pretty much overrated, and that juvenile illusion that life is this great thing with big enjoyable moments, romances or this all encompassing love - i never had it or bought it but i did think and believed that life can at least be comfortable and that i will find a niche in it or at least some peace of mind. since i was a small child and for 40 years i haven't found anything that i feel passionate about, well, except for the first couple of years of doing drugs, reading books and seeing good movies (all escapism tools).
i had some relatively ok years in comparison to this nightmarish hopeless existence - always scheming, lying and thieving to fund my drugs habit.

i thought that depression is one of those things that fade as time passes but found it to be the opposite -
as time moves forward and i age its just worsening, hopelessness take root, a lot of bitterness and to my amazement i'm becoming an asshole misanthrope (not exactly a misanthrope - i do like people and get along them fine i just cant trust them). i can vividly picture myself in 20 years (hopefully i'll be dead long before) becoming this grumpy old geezer that kids like to piss off and laugh at them..

so sorry for this long ass reply and thanks in advance for reading it (or glimpsing through it)..

all the best my BL colleagues and friends,
jona

 

[deficiT]

so sorry for this long ass reply and thanks in advance for reading it (or glimpsing through it)..

I can empathize. I have always been the square peg trying to fit into a round hole. I find beauty in life occasionally, but it is always fleeting and I can't seem to find a real connection with anyone or anything, despite my best efforts.

I'm holding out hope for change though. Like Sam Cooke said baby, change gonna come.

 

[stardust10]

No it's not SATAN_420... I'll bet it's the depression talking
Edit: I will admit I don't trust people either.

 

[stardust10]

I've always held the belief that life is pretty much overrated, and that juvenile illusion that life is this great thing with big enjoyable moments, romances or this all encompassing love - i never had it or bought it but i did think and believed that life can at least be comfortable and that i will find a niche in it or at least some peace of mind. since i was a small child and for 40 years i haven't found anything that i feel passionate about, well, except for the first couple of years of doing drugs, reading books and seeing good movies (all escapism tools).
i had some relatively ok years in comparison to this nightmarish hopeless existence - always scheming, lying and thieving to fund my drugs habit.

You just never know what's gonna happen, good or bad... Keep going cause you just never know when something amazing could happen...
It's hard to feel hopeful in what can for me feel like the depths of hell. But life's ups (and less downs) might be waiting for you around the corner and you just can't see it yet.
I once lost my sense of humour and still lose hope sometimes especially when I'm all alone and having a stressful bad time e.g. lonely in a relationship find friends that you have common interests in maybe like you say you enjoy reading? Volunteer, get support financially if possible and also support to cut down a bit if you can? meet people via recovery etc (that's my plan and to go to college)
I am regaining my sense of humour again it took at least 4 years of grieving but it's slowly coming back.

 

[Zephyn]

After a few years, you get used to it.

 

[n3ophy7e]

You're right, I was feeling really bad when I posted that, but I'm feeling better today. It sure is scary just how strongly depression can influence your thoughts and perception.

Good to hear you're feeling better. And yes it is really alarming how much depression can change our perception on things huh. This is exactly why certain types of therapy like CBT help with chqllenging our thought processes when we're depressed and anxious.

 

[user name1]

Good to hear you're feeling better. And yes it is really alarming how much depression can change our perception on things huh. This is exactly why certain types of therapy like CBT help with chqllenging our thought processes when we're depressed and anxious.

hey n3ophy7e,
i am sure that you are right, at least generally, but unfortunately in my case i seem to have the "therapy immune depression" - no amount or quality of therapy as ever helped in the least but i would say without a doubt or hesitation that "bad" therapy scarred me for life (be it prescription drugs or plain ignorance and stupidity being dumped on me while i was at one of my most fragile and fragmented state of my life).

the only thing that seemed to help me was plain and "un-clinical" affection and acceptance of the most unprofessional, some times even strange but genuinely caring people without all the cold and distant façade of most modern therapists..

anyway i am truly and sincerely glad that it's working for you and a lot of others as well.

all the best,
jona

 

[n3ophy7e]

Thanks so much for sharing your experience and situation jona, and I'm sorry to hear that you've got therapy-immune depression. I had treatment-resistent depression for many years as well, but eventually for some reason (or much more likely, a very complex and intricate combination of reasons lol) my depression started responding to Cymbalta and low-dose Topamax, 8 years ago, which I am still currently on and I DARE NOT stop taking for fear that my depression will return.

 

[RomanJ]

I can relate to the loneliness it's soul destroying. I hit rock bottom around 2 years ago. I basically had what doctors would call a psychotic break, I don't really want to go into details about it but it took that experience to force me to finally get the help I needed. I started taking antidepressants which helped a lot, and I still take them now as I do not want to feel like I used to. I was always resistant to using them before but I think I just hadn't found the right type.
I learned a lot about spirituality, and forced myself to try things that could help me. 2 years ago I would never had the confidence to even post on a forum like this my anxiety was that bad.
I guess my point is that things can change in life.