CousinCocaine
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 28, 2017
- Messages
- 427
Haven't read the responses just the original post.
Before I got my prescription for Klonopin I was in constant panic inside and out, every second of every day I was worrying about something even when I was having a good time I would have some type of fear nagging at me in the back of my mind but most of the time I'd keep it hidden from anyone around and was sorta in denial myself. It was like this for so long I just thought the misery was normal, but it took a toll on me I would try to distract myself from it by doing dumb shit and spent a lot of my elementary and middle school years in and out of the principal's office (probably also because of my ADHD) but I was able to keep my grades at As and Bs, I continued ignoring it for years the strain it put on me was so serious that by the time I was 13 (or somewhere around that age) I had hypertension, no other causes I mean I was slightly overweight but not actually fat the Drs even assured me that I wasn't enough overnight it should cause anything like that. A year or two later I went into a deep depression and after months without improvement I decided to start doing drugs as a way of self medicating with random pills I got that I didn't
know the least bit about and would be in and out of withdrawals (never stuck to any one thing long enough to get physical withdrawals but would have a strong psychological need to get high on something even if it was something I didn't like, Oxy was my favorite still is pretty high up on my list ) almost constantly because I didn't have a steady source and I had to keep all this hidden from my family which added more anxiety and stress. During this time period I also started cutting, burning etc, began shoplifting and stealing from family, drove away several of the closest friends I ever had (to this day even though they forgave me it doesn't feel like things will ever be exactly right again), had little or no morals, turned my back on my religion temporarily and turned into a damn monster (it wasn't just the drugs that did it, it was my bitterness and hatred for life) even though I'm doing better now I'm still a different person from it and not in a good way. Needless to say I eventually got into quite a bit of trouble which ended very badly (I didn't wanna go into detail about that) when my parents found out they searched everything and confiscated every drug I had and cut me off from my original sources but I got around it just to get caught and do it over again not a good cycle. I was doing dumb amounts of drugs and combining them recklessly and taking pills without any idea what they were or what they'd do (also messed around with needles and shooting unfiltered pills, for awhile but that's another story) because I had no will to live but because of religious reasons couldn't/wouldn't kill myself. I got over my death wish and have since learned to use drugs much more responsibly with a certain degree of moderation and have a intermediate understanding of psychoactive substances in general after years of research and experience, this also makes drugs more enjoyable to me. Anyway back to my point; During that time of turmoil my anxiety manifested itself in such a way that I could no longer ignore it and I reluctantly got some help. I went through various non benzodiazepine anxiety medications and antidepressants that didn't work and eventually I found Klonopin. When I started talking Klonopin I finally got the relief I needed to help me start living more normally, it quite possibly saved my life. I also found an antidepressant that helped some too, years later I no longer take or need the antidepressant but I'm still on the Klonopin, without it I couldn't function and would hate to see were I'd be without it, probably couldn't work or anything and probably end up ODed on H or some other opiate cause I lost hope and decided to give in to my impulses and love for opiates and try heroin which I've been able to resist so far because I know I'd love it and instantly be hooked for life . It's like since I broke down and let out all the anxiety and stress I had built for so long, I no longer have the ability to burry it down like I used to.
Damn I've never really talked about all that stuff (don't trust therapists but you guys don't know me in person so it's not that big a deal), kinda helped to get it out honestly. Just realized how much I typed when I read it again... Dexedrine is a hell of a drug! Lol
I definitely am addicted to Klonopin (even though I rarely ever take more than prescribed) but as I said before it's had a very positive impact on my life so I definitely believe it's worth it Personally in my experience even though I'm addicted, when I don't need it for a few days, I can go several days without any whatsoever and have no noticeable withdrawal unless I'd abused it recently. I use Kava, when I have it weed, cigarettes (I know how unhealthy they are and don't recommend them unless you already smoke, but I smoke already) and sometimes alcohol to help with my anxiety so I don't need as much Klonopin.
My advice would be try Kava Kava and/or high CBD strain weed first (if you can't due to drug tests at work or anything try the plain CBD oil it doesn't work as good but is still helpful and shouldn't show on tests,) I was on 10mg Valiums awhile and I honestly find Kava just as effective but it leaves you clearheaded. If that doesn't work go to a doctor and try some of the non-benzodiazepine meds I'm almost certain they'll try at first if those don't work then you really need benzos. I would say my addiction is 100% worth the increase in quality of life I got.
I wanted to mention I always hear critics say Klonopin (or any benzo) is a crutch like it's a bad thing, I've even heard of patients who take benzos having to switch Drs and being told the old "it's just a crutch" line and having it ripped away sometimes cold turkey after years of use. If someone had a broken leg and was using an actual crutch to move around do you think some pompous prick (that's supposed to be a doctor) would just hunt em down, yank it away and tell them to walk on their own because it was getting in their way? Well what's the difference between that and the metaphorical benzodiazepine crutch, that may be the only feasible way for the person to move (or function) at all? Even though it can get in the way of certain things like a literal crutch can it's the only way they can move at all and if it's taken away their life is grinded to a complete or almost complete halt. Another thing to consider about this metaphor is how long crutches are used. For the case of an acute injury such as a broken leg the person will only need the crutches a few weeks before they can walk on their own, much like people who are going through short term anxiety who temporarily need a benzo but can function normally again without them after the thing that was causing them anxiety has been resolved. Some people who have serious disabilities might always need crutches to get around, do think some Dr will take their crutches away and knock them to the ground because they feel that they have used them too long? It's pretty much the same thing when someone with a debilitating long term anxiety disorder who uses benzodiazepines to function has them suddenly taken away and is given nothing more than a pat on the back before they're thrown out into the world. Issues such as anxiety should be treated more like a physical disorder, maybe if more people looked at it this way they would be more compassionate and understanding and maybe mental health care would get some of the long overdue improvements it needs. I don't know about other parts of the world but having personally dealt with the mental health care system in the States for years I can sadly report that the system is absolutely fucked especially the adolescent mental health resources (haven't had much experience with it as an adult thank God)!
Best of luck! I know how bad anxiety can be and it's some serious shit. I'm afraid of nobody, I've been stabbed (on accident not knife fights lol), cut, burned, had too many broken bones to count (most of em just in hands, fingers, feel and toes but some more painful ones in ankles and ribs, one doctor looked at an X-ray of my hand I had done after snapping one of the metacarpals clean in two well not clean more like partially crushed (forget how that one happened I think it involved me being shitfaced trying to use a hammer for something) and pointed out around half a dozen places were they'd healed from previous fractures not to mention all the ones in the fingers in the past and asked me what doctor had treated those and if it was in some accident all at the same time or a bunch of different shit and when I answered I never even knew they were broken the look on his face was priceless haha), been in multiple car crashes including one where the vehicle I was in flipped several times and even shot in the wrist (long story, luckily it was only a .22caliber but the bullet was some type of low velocity crap (CB if I'm not mistaken) and instead of going clean through it lodged halfway through the radius and stopped which paralyzed my hand nearly completely til they removed it three days later) and I barely even made a sound but anxiety is so awful a really bad panic attack can leave me almost lifeless on the ground nearly in tears. My point is that anxiety is some bad shit people need to take seriously.
Sorry for such a long post which I'm sure is full of errors I typed it on my phone, the Dexedrine just kinda took control and I couldn't stop writing didn't mean to give a damn autobiography lol
Before I got my prescription for Klonopin I was in constant panic inside and out, every second of every day I was worrying about something even when I was having a good time I would have some type of fear nagging at me in the back of my mind but most of the time I'd keep it hidden from anyone around and was sorta in denial myself. It was like this for so long I just thought the misery was normal, but it took a toll on me I would try to distract myself from it by doing dumb shit and spent a lot of my elementary and middle school years in and out of the principal's office (probably also because of my ADHD) but I was able to keep my grades at As and Bs, I continued ignoring it for years the strain it put on me was so serious that by the time I was 13 (or somewhere around that age) I had hypertension, no other causes I mean I was slightly overweight but not actually fat the Drs even assured me that I wasn't enough overnight it should cause anything like that. A year or two later I went into a deep depression and after months without improvement I decided to start doing drugs as a way of self medicating with random pills I got that I didn't
know the least bit about and would be in and out of withdrawals (never stuck to any one thing long enough to get physical withdrawals but would have a strong psychological need to get high on something even if it was something I didn't like, Oxy was my favorite still is pretty high up on my list ) almost constantly because I didn't have a steady source and I had to keep all this hidden from my family which added more anxiety and stress. During this time period I also started cutting, burning etc, began shoplifting and stealing from family, drove away several of the closest friends I ever had (to this day even though they forgave me it doesn't feel like things will ever be exactly right again), had little or no morals, turned my back on my religion temporarily and turned into a damn monster (it wasn't just the drugs that did it, it was my bitterness and hatred for life) even though I'm doing better now I'm still a different person from it and not in a good way. Needless to say I eventually got into quite a bit of trouble which ended very badly (I didn't wanna go into detail about that) when my parents found out they searched everything and confiscated every drug I had and cut me off from my original sources but I got around it just to get caught and do it over again not a good cycle. I was doing dumb amounts of drugs and combining them recklessly and taking pills without any idea what they were or what they'd do (also messed around with needles and shooting unfiltered pills, for awhile but that's another story) because I had no will to live but because of religious reasons couldn't/wouldn't kill myself. I got over my death wish and have since learned to use drugs much more responsibly with a certain degree of moderation and have a intermediate understanding of psychoactive substances in general after years of research and experience, this also makes drugs more enjoyable to me. Anyway back to my point; During that time of turmoil my anxiety manifested itself in such a way that I could no longer ignore it and I reluctantly got some help. I went through various non benzodiazepine anxiety medications and antidepressants that didn't work and eventually I found Klonopin. When I started talking Klonopin I finally got the relief I needed to help me start living more normally, it quite possibly saved my life. I also found an antidepressant that helped some too, years later I no longer take or need the antidepressant but I'm still on the Klonopin, without it I couldn't function and would hate to see were I'd be without it, probably couldn't work or anything and probably end up ODed on H or some other opiate cause I lost hope and decided to give in to my impulses and love for opiates and try heroin which I've been able to resist so far because I know I'd love it and instantly be hooked for life . It's like since I broke down and let out all the anxiety and stress I had built for so long, I no longer have the ability to burry it down like I used to.
Damn I've never really talked about all that stuff (don't trust therapists but you guys don't know me in person so it's not that big a deal), kinda helped to get it out honestly. Just realized how much I typed when I read it again... Dexedrine is a hell of a drug! Lol
I definitely am addicted to Klonopin (even though I rarely ever take more than prescribed) but as I said before it's had a very positive impact on my life so I definitely believe it's worth it Personally in my experience even though I'm addicted, when I don't need it for a few days, I can go several days without any whatsoever and have no noticeable withdrawal unless I'd abused it recently. I use Kava, when I have it weed, cigarettes (I know how unhealthy they are and don't recommend them unless you already smoke, but I smoke already) and sometimes alcohol to help with my anxiety so I don't need as much Klonopin.
My advice would be try Kava Kava and/or high CBD strain weed first (if you can't due to drug tests at work or anything try the plain CBD oil it doesn't work as good but is still helpful and shouldn't show on tests,) I was on 10mg Valiums awhile and I honestly find Kava just as effective but it leaves you clearheaded. If that doesn't work go to a doctor and try some of the non-benzodiazepine meds I'm almost certain they'll try at first if those don't work then you really need benzos. I would say my addiction is 100% worth the increase in quality of life I got.
I wanted to mention I always hear critics say Klonopin (or any benzo) is a crutch like it's a bad thing, I've even heard of patients who take benzos having to switch Drs and being told the old "it's just a crutch" line and having it ripped away sometimes cold turkey after years of use. If someone had a broken leg and was using an actual crutch to move around do you think some pompous prick (that's supposed to be a doctor) would just hunt em down, yank it away and tell them to walk on their own because it was getting in their way? Well what's the difference between that and the metaphorical benzodiazepine crutch, that may be the only feasible way for the person to move (or function) at all? Even though it can get in the way of certain things like a literal crutch can it's the only way they can move at all and if it's taken away their life is grinded to a complete or almost complete halt. Another thing to consider about this metaphor is how long crutches are used. For the case of an acute injury such as a broken leg the person will only need the crutches a few weeks before they can walk on their own, much like people who are going through short term anxiety who temporarily need a benzo but can function normally again without them after the thing that was causing them anxiety has been resolved. Some people who have serious disabilities might always need crutches to get around, do think some Dr will take their crutches away and knock them to the ground because they feel that they have used them too long? It's pretty much the same thing when someone with a debilitating long term anxiety disorder who uses benzodiazepines to function has them suddenly taken away and is given nothing more than a pat on the back before they're thrown out into the world. Issues such as anxiety should be treated more like a physical disorder, maybe if more people looked at it this way they would be more compassionate and understanding and maybe mental health care would get some of the long overdue improvements it needs. I don't know about other parts of the world but having personally dealt with the mental health care system in the States for years I can sadly report that the system is absolutely fucked especially the adolescent mental health resources (haven't had much experience with it as an adult thank God)!
Best of luck! I know how bad anxiety can be and it's some serious shit. I'm afraid of nobody, I've been stabbed (on accident not knife fights lol), cut, burned, had too many broken bones to count (most of em just in hands, fingers, feel and toes but some more painful ones in ankles and ribs, one doctor looked at an X-ray of my hand I had done after snapping one of the metacarpals clean in two well not clean more like partially crushed (forget how that one happened I think it involved me being shitfaced trying to use a hammer for something) and pointed out around half a dozen places were they'd healed from previous fractures not to mention all the ones in the fingers in the past and asked me what doctor had treated those and if it was in some accident all at the same time or a bunch of different shit and when I answered I never even knew they were broken the look on his face was priceless haha), been in multiple car crashes including one where the vehicle I was in flipped several times and even shot in the wrist (long story, luckily it was only a .22caliber but the bullet was some type of low velocity crap (CB if I'm not mistaken) and instead of going clean through it lodged halfway through the radius and stopped which paralyzed my hand nearly completely til they removed it three days later) and I barely even made a sound but anxiety is so awful a really bad panic attack can leave me almost lifeless on the ground nearly in tears. My point is that anxiety is some bad shit people need to take seriously.
Sorry for such a long post which I'm sure is full of errors I typed it on my phone, the Dexedrine just kinda took control and I couldn't stop writing didn't mean to give a damn autobiography lol
