In month three of DP

[Dawglaw]

Hello guys, long time lurker. I have been on the rollercoaster to hell and back the last three months and I would like to share my experience this far in case it might help anyone.

I am in my late 20s and had only done MDMA around 5 times spread out over 8 years before I got knocked on my ass. I used to smoke weed a lot, I quit because it made me paranoid and a lazy piece of shit. I have done a few times but never abused it. Shrooms a few times in college and dxm twice.

I bought a gram of Molly (mistake #1) without much experience or a plan (mistake #2). It started on a staurday night when my old uni mates came into town for my birthday. We hit the pub and got very drunk when the idea to "stick the finger in the bag" came up. (mistake #3) I took one finger dip (in hindsight 100-150mgs) and the rest of the night was a blur.

The next day at about 600 in the morning we woke up for a festival and played stick the finger in the bag again (huge huge mistake #4). This time I took no more than 200mg. Felt WIERD no euphoria no mania, felt very out of place, i experienced zero of the desired MDMA effects. Talked myself down and had a few drinks, no problem the rest of the day. I did not have any panic attacks, I actually had a decent time after I started drinking hard.

I weighed the bag after and I had .65 left and there were 3 people in on it, so I didn't do a "monster" dose.

On Monday I head to work and I felt like shit, which was expected. However, by Wednesday I felt something was really wrong. I felt liked had eaten a strong edible that would not go away, I went online and had convinced myself that I had over done it and fried myself for good. I had all the classic symptoms of DP/DR, I felt like I was in a dream, terrible brain fog, terrible anxiety. This truly was the most terrifying experience I had ever been through. It is very hard to describe but it was a nightmare that I could not shake.

I do not have any history of anxiety or other mental problems neither personally nor genetically.

The next weekend I Went to the gp and had blood done. I was very candid about what had put me in this situation and the Dr. said I will be fine but to buckle up because I am looking at a few months for my brain to sort itself out.

I went to a shrink and have been receiving CBT, which has helped immensely.

I Have "snapped out of it" three times and I have been launched back several times also because of caffeine from coffee.

Right now I would say I am 85% better, no anxiety, concentration is better, very minute symptoms of DP/DR but I can still tell something is off. I do not let it bother me and have resumed living a normal life. I am waiting for the last traces of it to fade away.

Things that have worked for me:

Staying active
Working out
Drinking socially
Avoiding drugs

Things that make it worse:

Caffeine
Reading about DP online


If this happens to you just stay calm, stay away from the drugs and the coffee, start working out and let your brain untie the knot. You will feel better I promise.

 

[Flailing_Gypsy]

Hmmm wow, thank you for sharing! I'm not sure what to say about your experience. It's so unusual for this to happen after such minimal use. Does not sound very fun. Were you on any medication before hand? How did it effect the others? It's never a good idea to drink alcohol with MDMA, not only because of the upper/downer thing but they can actually potentially interact and become toxic in your body. I don't think that would be what caused your experience however, but just a heads up.

How sure are you that what you bought was MDMA? Do you mean that the night was literally a blur? That's not very typical with MDMA. Did you drink more alcohol after you guys started doing the M?

Again ,thanks for sharing!!

 

[Dawglaw]

It was sold as M, but it was never tested. The person who helped us procure it said source was very reliable, whatever that means.

I was not taking any meds nor am I now. The Dr. said that my brain just does not handle psychedelics well anymore and highly advised me to abstain from everything.

I

 

[kanyeknievel]

Hey man just remember all the time, there is ALWAYS hope. and you WILL come out of it, and EVERYONE ALWAYS does! No one has everr had it for their whole lives.

And you have the right mindset for it and you know exactly what you need to do. I usually write a ton of stuff on topics like this. But I wont. Just refrain from thinking about it, talking about it, bringing it up, just aknowleding it. Live with it basically and dont let it affect you.

Ive had it for a good while .. i wont say how long because some people get anxiety and lose hope when they hear about people with X amount of time with it, and so on. Its not like ive had it for a LONGGGG time or anything, but longer than you. When i started compared to now, wooo soooo bad . I couldnt smoke, let alone be in the room with it or smell it wihtout panicing. Now i can smoke.

I dropped out of school in my last year, now im going to college. i couldnt leave the house or be around people, and then i am able to go to england, i went three times, by myself for a month at a time. Im so much better now. I probably would be out of it now if I didnt think of it so much and read so much about it before in the first months.. and if i didnt do a bunch of drugs in the beggining and middle.. but it all is basically what you THINK affects it, will affect it. thats anxiety. if you think X and Y will maek it last longer and worse.. it will because u believe it and u make it that.

But just remember there are THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS of people with this, it is VERY COMMONS. Many people just dont get it chornic as we do, but there are thousands that do. but i think 80% of people have it at one point in their life from what i read.

But you seem to be doing great, keep up the good work!

Mine happened from getting VERY HIGH after a week T break after smoking every day all day for 8 months. and i think it also had to do with having a bad acid trip a few weeks prior and the high reminded me of that. and i was also on a stimulant.

 

[Utahrd]

glad you are trying to stay safe now. I had a nasty experience that made me rethink my decision making process. all of those things sound like great ways to get it back. Try longboarding, get some slider gloves, learn how to carve/slalom. I love to slalom down a road until I feel unsafe about my speed, and that's when I slide, which is such a rush for me. It helps me a lot. Socializing, meeting new people and having good, new experiences are good as well.

 

[Dawglaw]

I would say functionally, I am back at baseline. I still have a aura of "weirdness" about me but like I said earlier I am seeing a tiny bit of progress every day. It may be that I am expecting to feel 100% but in reality no one ever feels 100% (we are tired, grumpy, hung over, etc).

Half of feeling weird is worrying about feeling weird. I work a high paced professional office job and unfortunately coffee is necessary to get through the day. Socially, booze and a bit of charlie were the norm and after this fiasco, those days are over (at least for a very long time).

 

[F1n1shed]

You will recover that's for sure, it may take a little while though. Just don't make the mistake of doing that again, the high is definitely not worth the crash your experiencing.

 

[cope]

good to hear you are making progress. thank you for sharing your experience with us.

3 months often seem to be a mark of improvement.

keep us updated, best of luck to you

 

[Dawglaw]

Thanks,

I want to share my experience in case it helps other people. When it first started I really freaked myself out ie neurological damage, triggering some crazy mental illness, reading stories of people who have been stuck in a disassociative state for years, etc.

Going to the GP was very reassuring - once she convinced me that I did not fry my brain I started feeling better. That showed me that it was all in my head and how important a good attitude was towards total recovery.

I am bummed, I really enjoyed MDMA and other substances. Besides over doing it after a big night, I felt I was pretty responsible with what I consumed. However, those days are over. Like someone said above its not worth it and this is the writing on the wall for me.

 

[benson7]

Sorry, but what exactly is DP/DR?

 

[Dawglaw]

Depersonalization and derealization.

 

[5000m]

Thanks for the post OP, good luck I hope things keep improving for you

 

[pmz]

Dawglaw, would you say during ur time of come down, that you had a blunted emotional aspect to everything. I feel like I just cant seem to get any enjoyment out of life and an sooo dislocated from my self. Its really disturbing. I feel like my soul has been ripped out of me.

 

[Dawglaw]

Pmz - yeah. I definitely still had emotions but it seemed as if my anxiety was overriding them. Once I was able to get used to the DP/DR, the biggest complaint was the blunted emotions and feeling so off.

The good thing is that your body does not like feeling that way and the more comfortable you get with the DP/DR, the less you notice it until one day you realize its gone. I realized that once I got my anxiety in check, the DP pretty much went away. I still had blunted emotions and felt lethargic/apathetic for a while but my primary long term complaint was DR and strange vision issues.

I know it is easier said than done, but honestly keep yourself as busy as possible and do your best to accept that you are experiencing intermediate term dissassocation and keep moving. I noticed that while I felt that I could not think clearly, my brain still worked at the same level as before. Anxiety is a real motherfucker but you can overcome it if you learn some tricks and stay positive.

I took MDMA again about two weeks ago, it gave me really bad anxiety DR for a few days. I am fine now because I didn't play into it. I recognized what it was and kept doing my thing. Now, I am at the point where unless I "check in" to see if I feel disassociated, I cannot even feel any disassociation. It took me almost 7 months to get here last time. I am also drinking a lot of coffee which does not help my neuro-chemestry but I dont care, I need my coffee.

 

[pmz]

Pmz - yeah. I definitely still had emotions but it seemed as if my anxiety was overriding them. Once I was able to get used to the DP/DR, the biggest complaint was the blunted emotions and feeling so off.

The good thing is that your body does not like feeling that way and the more comfortable you get with the DP/DR, the less you notice it until one day you realize its gone. I realized that once I got my anxiety in check, the DP pretty much went away. I still had blunted emotions and felt lethargic/apathetic for a while but my primary long term complaint was DR and strange vision issues.

I know it is easier said than done, but honestly keep yourself as busy as possible and do your best to accept that you are experiencing intermediate term dissassocation and keep moving. I noticed that while I felt that I could not think clearly, my brain still worked at the same level as before. Anxiety is a real motherfucker but you can overcome it if you learn some tricks and stay positive.

I took MDMA again about two weeks ago, it gave me really bad anxiety DR for a few days. I am fine now because I didn't play into it. I recognized what it was and kept doing my thing. Now, I am at the point where unless I "check in" to see if I feel disassociated, I cannot even feel any disassociation. It took me almost 7 months to get here last time. I am also drinking a lot of coffee which does not help my neuro-chemestry but I dont care, I need my coffee.

Hmm. Good advice. I really need to get my anxiety in check. I think the biggest problem why i m having a hard time doing that is the fact I cannot sleep. I'll get a couple hours a sleep each night if that. And when I wake up in the morning I can't seem to get my self out of bed. Sadly I'll lay there unmotivated and wallow in my own issues. As I wake up throight the day I start to feel let anxiety and dp and the fogginess seems like it reduces. I'm on month 2 of this crap so I guess I have a long way to go. The scariest part is my reading skills seems to gone down a lot. It may because of my lack of sleep and anxious thoughts keeping me from retaining what I read. But I feel extremely dislexic lately.

My parents actually thought complelty getting away from my enviorment might be a good idea. Not sure if anyone has heard of and outward bound program. Basically its living in the desert with a group of other people who lost there shit with a bunch of coincelers and theropist always at hand. They have a whole program to keep you busy all day long. Might be good to get my head straight again. Not sure.

 

[Dawglaw]

The fact that it decreases throughout the day is a great sign. My psychologist said that if it goes up and down througout the day, it means that it is fluid and it is NOT permanent. She told me that the only real cases of permanent DP/DR are extreme PTSD from nasty childhood abuse. Start to track how you feel and try to figure out what makes it go down. Over time you will learn what triggers bad episodes and what you can do to alleviate it.

I know how terrible thought loops can be.

I know how hard it can be to read and concentrate but dude, listen to me, I made it through my final year of law school with this shit and I graduated with honors. You might feel that your brain does not work as well as it used to, but trust me it does. You have to work very hard to accept the anxiety. Don't try to fight it, don't try to ignore it, just accept it and keep living life as if nothing else was wrong. Pretty soon you will realize its gone.

While I was dealing with it, it seemed like an eternity. Now it was a blink of the eye. It will be over before you know it.


How old are you? I have heard of that outward bound program, it seems pretty crazy. If I were you I wouldn't do something that intense unless its a last resort. In the mean time, if you want to get out, just go camping for a few days. Grab some beers and go out with your friends and just relax away from everything.

 

[pmz]

The fact that it decreases throughout the day is a great sign. My psychologist said that if it goes up and down througout the day, it means that it is fluid and it is NOT permanent. She told me that the only real cases of permanent DP/DR are extreme PTSD from nasty childhood abuse. Start to track how you feel and try to figure out what makes it go down. Over time you will learn what triggers bad episodes and what you can do to alleviate it.

I know how terrible thought loops can be.

I know how hard it can be to read and concentrate but dude, listen to me, I made it through my final year of law school with this shit and I graduated with honors. You might feel that your brain does not work as well as it used to, but trust me it does. You have to work very hard to accept the anxiety. Don't try to fight it, don't try to ignore it, just accept it and keep living life as if nothing else was wrong. Pretty soon you will realize its gone.

While I was dealing with it, it seemed like an eternity. Now it was a blink of the eye. It will be over before you know it.


How old are you? I have heard of that outward bound program, it seems pretty crazy. If I were you I wouldn't do something that intense unless its a last resort. In the mean time, if you want to get out, just go camping for a few days. Grab some beers and go out with your friends and just relax away from everything.

Im, 26 btw

The fact that it goes up and down now, is the only sign that of real hope. As originally I thought i was never going to get over this. My real issue is the fact I had to take a leave of absence from work. Working as an engineer in an already very stressful environment was sort of too much for me. Im kinda of scared now what I will be able to do with my life in terms of a career. I dropped out of college to work full time (this was my fathers company and I did all on the job training, so yeah no school was needed for me) so just getting a new job to live up to what I was doing will not be easy. Some how I need to reinvent my self for either a new career, or a new way to figure my self out so I can get back to work. either way Im currently at a loss of what I need to do with my life. The fact that Im home all week long is not good for my head. I have so much time to just sit around and make my self insane. When I was working, rather than focusing on my work, I kept doing mental test on my self and kept freaking out that my thoughts were not as focused and i had a hard to work out problems. I had nothing but anxiety attacks at work every day. It was getting to the point where I couldnt hide that there was something wrong with me. I eventually came clean to my parents as a result and took a leave of absence.

Since Im not working I just have no choice to take this opportunity to get my head grounded again. Eventually I need to get a pay check, and cant be out for too long. thats why this is hard to keep life as normal as possible. I have too much time to my self and dont really want to go to any shows or parties on the weekend. thats pretty much all I did.

Im not sure the outward bound program was a good idea. It does seem like an interesting place to be. Living out in the desert learning how to survive and being with other people all the time to keep me busy kinda seemed interesting, but it does seem extreme. As far as drinking, ive been sort of afraid to really touch any substance. Not sure if beer will good in the long run, if ive caused an actual chemical imbalance, would alcohol be a good idea?

Trying to get though this without an drugs (seeing a neuro this friday, I wonder what he will want to prescribe me). but the whole anxiety and depression thing is killing me. Ive always been the happiest person I knew, and have no clue how to keep this in check at the moment. I guess 2 months into this is not all that long as many other people have spend much more time than that with these issues.

 

[futura2012]

I would avoid the alcohol if you can. Viking went to see an MDMA specialist in Amsterdam last week and one of his big recommendations was no alcohol. i think to be honest whilst in this state try and avoid anything along those lines ie caffeine, alcohol, tobacco, drugs including legal drugs such as benzos and ADs.

Think very carefully before you indulge in any prescription meds. Its not the solution you may think it is. They dont fix anything they just kind of null it out in a really spaced out kind of way. If you are worried about feeling lifeless now the meds will make it worse. I have tried almost every single family of antidepressant now ranging from effexor which made me feel totally spaced out and had all the stimulant effects of ecstasy to others that did literally nothing other than screw up my neuro chemistry further. Also the withdrawels off that stuff can also be brutal.

 

[roadrunner57]

Hello guys, long time lurker. I have been on the rollercoaster to hell and back the last three months and I would like to share my experience this far in case it might help anyone.

I am in my late 20s and had only done MDMA around 5 times spread out over 8 years before I got knocked on my ass. I used to smoke weed a lot, I quit because it made me paranoid and a lazy piece of shit. I have done a few times but never abused it. Shrooms a few times in college and dxm twice.

I bought a gram of Molly (mistake #1) without much experience or a plan (mistake #2). It started on a staurday night when my old uni mates came into town for my birthday. We hit the pub and got very drunk when the idea to "stick the finger in the bag" came up. (mistake #3) I took one finger dip (in hindsight 100-150mgs) and the rest of the night was a blur.

The next day at about 600 in the morning we woke up for a festival and played stick the finger in the bag again (huge huge mistake #4). This time I took no more than 200mg. Felt WIERD no euphoria no mania, felt very out of place, i experienced zero of the desired MDMA effects. Talked myself down and had a few drinks, no problem the rest of the day. I did not have any panic attacks, I actually had a decent time after I started drinking hard.

I weighed the bag after and I had .65 left and there were 3 people in on it, so I didn't do a "monster" dose.

On Monday I head to work and I felt like shit, which was expected. However, by Wednesday I felt something was really wrong. I felt liked had eaten a strong edible that would not go away, I went online and had convinced myself that I had over done it and fried myself for good. I had all the classic symptoms of DP/DR, I felt like I was in a dream, terrible brain fog, terrible anxiety. This truly was the most terrifying experience I had ever been through. It is very hard to describe but it was a nightmare that I could not shake.

I do not have any history of anxiety or other mental problems neither personally nor genetically.

The next weekend I Went to the gp and had blood done. I was very candid about what had put me in this situation and the Dr. said I will be fine but to buckle up because I am looking at a few months for my brain to sort itself out.

I went to a shrink and have been receiving CBT, which has helped immensely.

I Have "snapped out of it" three times and I have been launched back several times also because of caffeine from coffee.

Right now I would say I am 85% better, no anxiety, concentration is better, very minute symptoms of DP/DR but I can still tell something is off. I do not let it bother me and have resumed living a normal life. I am waiting for the last traces of it to fade away.

Things that have worked for me:

Staying active
Working out
Drinking socially
Avoiding drugs

Things that make it worse:

Caffeine
Reading about DP online


If this happens to you just stay calm, stay away from the drugs and the coffee, start working out and let your brain untie the knot. You will feel better I promise.

Dawglaw, what you are describing is exactly my situation.

I am about 2.5 months in and have experienced all the exact symptoms as yourself and feel like I am at the same point in the recovery process, which through working out, eating healthy and drinking socially have helped immensely. I've cut out doing any drugs (other than a little bit of weed every few weekends but this seems to just make things worse), and cut back my drinking to primarily the weekends.

I tried to stop drinking coffee at work, but I could only do so for a few days before I realized I needed it to function at my office job. Did caffeine make that big of a difference for you?

The hardest part is to not think that this is permanent some days, and will go into another dp funk, but your experience is really encouraging for my situation.

 

[pmz]

Hmm. OK the natural (tormenting) jk way it is then. How would one get in touch with this MDMA specialist btw? I would love to see if I could talk to him