Sad In Long Term Recovery- dying to get high. How original.

LillyL

Greenlighter
Joined
Nov 18, 2018
Messages
3
Long term lurker never posted. I’ve been mostly stable on Suboxone and antidepressants for years. Have done a lot of recovery work, groups, therapy, everything. I’m just so lonely, bored, sad, whatever, and I’m dying to take a mental vacation. Had a THC vape, but it just got me paranoid. I don’t want to drink. My doc is opiates, but I’ve got a ton of Suboxone on board. I have a little klonopin, but I just use it up early and then regret it. And I even if I wanted to do something crazy I don’t have any connections anymore lol.
I know there’s no answers. Just wanted to say it.
 
get high on denying the thought of getting high, sounds strange but it sometimes works for me, it gives me a kind of ego boost.

you are already on a mental vacation, if you would get back on the using track you would just get yourself back to work, it's always easy for our minds to trick us.

if you've been stable just figure out what do you want, being stable or being high? can't do both really considering your doc, if being high for 6 hours is worth more than being stable for 6 years there is still work to do.

it's mainly due to the boredom in my opinion, stuff your program with shit, when I get 30 minutes of doing nothing my mind wanders to what is the easiest and most rewarding(For that moment) thing to do, and guess what ? the answer is opioids, so either I get to do something or I keep doing nothing and give myself more time to think about how I could relapse, it doesn't take much convincing with me, so the less free time the better

good luck with your decision!
 
Thank you for your reply. With this isolation I’m either working (most of the time), reading, chatting with someone - and when I’m finally alone with my thoughts, it’s the recent loss a a relationship, and then getting high.
 
np! learn something new iyou never had time to, you can chat up on this forum too, consider it a kind of virtual meeting, there are some triggers for sure, but anyway it would take you some really hard work to get high on opioids anyway, you have to drop suboxone for a few days to even be able to get high, after that if you get high you have to wait again 72 hours to get back on suboxone without precipitated withdrawals, so 144hours for a 6 hours high is not that nice of a reward anyway and the guilt felt afterwards will just flip your sadness to a higher extent.
 
Thank you for your reply. With this isolation I’m either working (most of the time), reading, chatting with someone - and when I’m finally alone with my thoughts, it’s the recent loss a a relationship, and then getting high.
Hi Lilly, I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way. I have been clean for 5 years and there are days I feel my sobriety is hanging on by a thread. May i suggest possibly taking up a hobby?
 
Work on finding ways to stimulate dopamine, endorphins, and other feel good neurotransmitters- but especially the first 2 if your drug of choice was/is opioids but you don't want to use anymore. One of the best ways I've found is working out. It wasn't really all that enjoyable at first when I was really out of shape, but over a year in of being consistent I actually look forward to my workouts and how good I'm going to feel afterwards. It's crazy to say, but I enjoy it much more than getting high because there is no guilt and I know it's good for my health. Not to mention the self esteem boost when others notice, versus the self-esteem destruction from using drugs.

Another good way to kick a natural hit of dopamine is by learning something. Pick a topic that interest you and really dig in. Force yourself to sit there and work at a topic/concept until you really understand it. When I'm trying to wrap my head around something, it usually starts out a little frustrating and then becomes increasingly exciting the closer I get to understanding it/removing confusion.

Socializing and having an interesting conversation are also very good ways. Socializing with people who you are comfortable with and who are accepting of you can really change the way you feel almost immediately. This is probably one of the harder things to do when in recovery, for me at least. It's definitely one of the more rewarding things, but can feel a little risky for me. If the loss of relationship is a trigger for you, might be better to focus on things you can do on your own for now. I know having things I can fill my day with and enjoy myself makes me feel so much more independent and confident.

Meditation can also be good. I like combining it with some yoga or just stretches. Or doing some yoga while listening to a podcast if I need to take my mind off something.

One of the things that really helps me is to remind myself that cravings are temporary, and even if they get so bad where you can feel it in your chest/stomach, it will fade almost as quickly as it came on. The mental obsession can be difficult to break, but I've found that if you do something that is naturally stimulating when you are craving, it's much easier to get over it. It has actually made me start craving the replacement activity over the drug activities. It can be so annoying when you catch yourself constantly thinking about drugs, but don't give up. Keep fighting and forging healthy habits.

And one last thing, and probably a big thing, whether prescription or not, using sub(or any opioid) and benzos is probably going to cause some cravings. I know subs are supposed to help with the cravings in the short term, ultimately they are still an opioid and long term goal should be abstinence unless not possible, in my opinion. Not trying to judge or say what you should or shouldn't do, just that I think that using any form of opioid, whether partial or full agonist, is going to cause cravings for more opioid agonist. Also, it's going to decrease the natural levels of morphine like substances(endorphins) as well as decreasing your sensitivity to these substances(opioid receptor down-regulation), making these naturally rewarding activities less rewarding. Benzos lower your inhibitions, which I don't know how it scientifically causes cravings but I know for myself they make me want to do every drug ever, even if I hadn't been craving or thinking about them.
 
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