Addiction In a dilemma about my drug use

[meprobamatedowned]

Hello blue lighters,

I've been a poly-drug addict for 5 years, did rehab 4 times (but was fired the last time in december), quit my job, and recently i became a lot more self conscious. I quitted GBL which i was using 24/7 and i lowered alcohol. I stopped going to parties, to focus on my studies that i kinda left behind these past 6 months (meaning i never went to any class or lecture). This means i don't see my friends so much since then because it triggers me instantly, so i feel lonely, isolated.

For the last week, i have only been using my daily 20mg of prazepam for alcohol tapering, a few shots of whisky or rhum here and there (no more than 3 or 4), a little cannabis at night, and 2-FMA all day around 30mg 3 or 4 times a day. I keep everything noted in my journal. (oh and about 50mg cyamemazine and 15mg alimemazine for sleep)

My problem is: if i quit the 2-FMA, i'm never going to be ready for finals. But all the doctors and my surroundings are telling me to put my health first, and i trust them that this is the right move. But i really don't want to let university go again, it is the only thing that is keeping me together at the moment, and i am seriously concerned that they won't have me back next year considering i wasn't there the whole semester.

I'm asking for advices, experiences, insights, anything....

 

[Jabberwocky]

the problem if you have addictive tendencies is that if you think a drug is helping you it justifies using. you don't know that you'll never be ready for finals without it, i'd guess that's something your brain is telling you to keep you using.

i have no experience of 2-FMA but i do have experience of using stimulants because you think they'll help you.

i did the best work i've ever done (some complicated C++ implementing an algorithm of my own design) whilst smoking crack. i'd started smoking daily cos i'd got this awful virus that wiped me physically and mentally, as i was already addicted to heroin crack was the easiest stimulant for me to get. i went back to work too early so though i'd intended to stop the daily crack use at that point, i did not, i needed a 'pick me up.' i felt super guilty about it til i did this amazing work (it was genuinely good, it was validated by the lab and its not something you could get right by mistake).

so i stop feeling guilty. so then i start scoring multiple times a day. after about 3 months i was barely able to work cos i was so consumed by crack, it stopped helping very quickly and all pretence that i had control over the situation was gone. within 6 months i'd lost my job, was barely sleeping, skeletal, and prostituting myself to support my habit.

i had been a functioning addict on heroin and various other downers over the years, but couldn't maintain my level of function with stimulants.

there's no telling whether it would go as badly for you as it did for me but you're really playing russian roulette. i was lucky to get out alive tbh.

 

[meprobamatedowned]

the problem if you have addictive tendencies is that if you think a drug is helping you it justifies using. you don't know that you'll never be ready for finals without it, i'd guess that's something your brain is telling you to keep you using.

i have no experience of 2-FMA but i do have experience of using stimulants because you think they'll help you.

i did the best work i've ever done (some complicated C++ implementing an algorithm of my own design) whilst smoking crack. i'd started smoking daily cos i'd got this awful virus that wiped me physically and mentally, as i was already addicted to heroin crack was the easiest stimulant for me to get. i went back to work too early so though i'd intended to stop the daily crack use at that point, i did not, i needed a 'pick me up.' i felt super guilty about it til i did this amazing work (it was genuinely good, it was validated by the lab and its not something you could get right by mistake).

so i stop feeling guilty. so then i start scoring multiple times a day. after about 3 months i was barely able to work cos i was so consumed by crack, it stopped helping very quickly and all pretence that i had control over the situation was gone. within 6 months i'd lost my job, was barely sleeping, skeletal, and prostituting myself to support my habit.

i had been a functioning addict on heroin and various other downers over the years, but couldn't maintain my level of function with stimulants.

there's no telling whether it would go as badly for you as it did for me but you're really playing russian roulette. i was lucky to get out alive tbh.

Okay so thank you a lot for your reply.

2-fma is a basic amphetamine without any kind of euphoria and that is why i chose it a few years ago to study. But it's clear, whether it is euphoric or not, it will eat you alive in months. I use daily like you did.
Thank you for that testimony, it's real and i needed to read that.

I am also working on beautiful things : pharmacology, toxicology, chemistry, all those medical things i've always dreamed of studying and i can't just give that up... My own psychiatrist is telling me to quit uni because "it is no job for me"... I just want to tell him go to hell i'll do my own thing and you'll see how far i can go ! But what is he is right ? I am altering my health it's true and i can only dream of being sober, But do i really have to choose between my studies and my health ?
I think that's bullshit...

 

[Jabberwocky]

I’m not sure where you live or what kind of university you go to but I both blew a large part of my undergraduate career with drugs decades ago and now work in a major university. So here’s my take.

First, dealing with problematic drug use never get’s easier the longer you leave it and the further you move through life and collect responsibilities like career and family the more difficult it becomes to treat your drug issues, the more you have to lose, and the more likelihood there is that you’llc be overwhelmed and end up in a crisis.

Second, most decent universities in places like the US, UK, and Australia have student counselling services that have seen it all before. A stressed out undergraduate with advanced substance use problems is common enough. Going through the counselling service rather than relying on the good graces of your individual professors is always the better option. Usually the university has an overall policy about the management and treatment of students with mental health problems (and that’s what a substance use disorder is usually treated as in these countries). The counselling service will 1. Refer you to professional support services, 2. Advise your professors that you are now a protected species to whom special consideration needs to be given (usually in line with well established policies) 3. Help deal with administrative bullshit arising from missing mandatory course requirements (like assignments, group work, exams and so on).

Most importantly they can help make sure that fails do not go on your record. Even if you bail out of a course at last minute or do no assessable work. That was a big mistake I made back in the day. I just didn’t turn up and all my subjects were marked fail, even though I was really sick.

Maybe you need to take a semester off to work through your shit and make some kind of recovery. And maybe this will result in paying another semester’s fees or whatever - but trust me, that is infinitely more preferable than having to go to your subsequent corporate boss or corporate HR department and ask for a few months off to deal with a drug addiction. In a big company they might have policies to let you do that, but it will still mark you forever and significantly influence your future prospects in most cases. In any case, your GPA for the program overall might get a big boost if your drug affected studies are excluded from the record, you get some help, and then go on to do those subjects again when you are all sorted.

 

[Zephyn]

Drugs definitely interfered with mylife, i had and have a successful career but after fucking up like 6 jobs due to addiction (getting robbed of their equipment, missing work, disappearing, getting on meetings in a Khole, going psychotic and sending ridiculous messages to them, etc). Best to take care of it before you start work . There was a time I was able to manage working and smoking crack on break, but within a year I fucked it up. I'm lucky ingot hired with a warrant and no references just for my skills, but I'm already on thin ice thanks to my drinking spree and turning in stuff late, which I also blamed on covid and being in a funk from not working for so long, which is true. Still though, functioning addicts confuse me.

 

[meprobamatedowned]

I’m not sure where you live or what kind of university you go to but I both blew a large part of my undergraduate career with drugs decades ago and now work in a major university. So here’s my take.

First, dealing with problematic drug use never get’s easier the longer you leave it and the further you move through life and collect responsibilities like career and family the more difficult it becomes to treat your drug issues, the more you have to lose, and the more likelihood there is that you’llc be overwhelmed and end up in a crisis.

Second, most decent universities in places like the US, UK, and Australia have student counselling services that have seen it all before. A stressed out undergraduate with advanced substance use problems is common enough. Going through the counselling service rather than relying on the good graces of your individual professors is always the better option. Usually the university has an overall policy about the management and treatment of students with mental health problems (and that’s what a substance use disorder is usually treated as in these countries). The counselling service will 1. Refer you to professional support services, 2. Advise your professors that you are now a protected species to whom special consideration needs to be given (usually in line with well established policies) 3. Help deal with administrative bullshit arising from missing mandatory course requirements (like assignments, group work, exams and so on).

Most importantly they can help make sure that fails do not go on your record. Even if you bail out of a course at last minute or do no assessable work. That was a big mistake I made back in the day. I just didn’t turn up and all my subjects were marked fail, even though I was really sick.

Maybe you need to take a semester off to work through your shit and make some kind of recovery. And maybe this will result in paying another semester’s fees or whatever - but trust me, that is infinitely more preferable than having to go to your subsequent corporate boss or corporate HR department and ask for a few months off to deal with a drug addiction. In a big company they might have policies to let you do that, but it will still mark you forever and significantly influence your future prospects in most cases. In any case, your GPA for the program overall might get a big boost if your drug affected studies are excluded from the record, you get some help, and then go on to do those subjects again when you are all sorted.

so yeah i think that is what i need, a semester off to solve this without school pressure.

The thing is I work in the healthcare system, in EU. Having substance abuse issues here is a no go, and will get me expelled from uni.
I unfortunately already did what you are talking about, bailing at last minute and not doing assessable work. This has me very stressed out because now that i quit what was making me sick at the time, I can't prove that I was sick, so they can't justify it. I tested positive for COVID in march but that's it, nothing medical in between that could justify me not being here... anyway i should be discussing that with my referent at the handicap advising division. They bailed me out of deep shit in the past, but i don't know if they can do much this time.

 

[Zephyn]

so yeah i think that is what i need, a semester off to solve this without school pressure.

The thing is I work in the healthcare system, in EU. Having substance abuse issues here is a no go, and will get me expelled from uni.
I unfortunately already did what you are talking about, bailing at last minute and not doing assessable work. This has me very stressed out because now that i quit what was making me sick at the time, I can't prove that I was sick, so they can't justify it. I tested positive for COVID in march but that's it, nothing medical in between that could justify me not being here... anyway i should be discussing that with my referent at the handicap advising division. They bailed me out of deep shit in the past, but i don't know if they can do much this time.

Seriously? Expelled for reaching out for help?

 

[meprobamatedowned]

Seriously? Expelled for reaching out for help?

expelled for having a drug-related medical record, yes

 

[4meSM]

How much time do you have to prepare for your finals?
I generally agree with the other comments here, but TBH if I was in your situation I wouldn't quit right before the finals, unless I had plenty of time to recover and get into a state where I'd no longer need stims.
It would also depend on why YOU want to quit right now. If the drug isn't allowing you to study anymore and/or if it's impacting your physical and mental health in a major way then yeah, it would be best to quit asap.

2-FMA has its drawbacks (like any drug) but it isn't really comparable to meth and much less to crack, it's a completely different drug (more similar to adderall in a way).
It's obviously best not having to rely on any stimulant but at the same time you have to be realistic... It's 100% possible to quit, yet many people relapse at least once. I wouldn't want to fail my finals just so I can be sober, only to start taking stimulants again a couple of weeks later.
IMO

 

[Zephyn]

expelled for having a drug-related medical record, yes

Do you not have privacy laws? Where are you from?

 

[meprobamatedowned]

How much time do you have to prepare for your finals?
I generally agree with the other comments here, but TBH if I was in your situation I wouldn't quit right before the finals, unless I had plenty of time to recover and get into a state where I'd no longer need stims.
It would also depend on why YOU want to quit right now. If the drug isn't allowing you to study anymore and/or if it's impacting your physical and mental health in a major way then yeah, it would be best to quit asap.

2-FMA has its drawbacks (like any drug) but it isn't really comparable to meth and much less to crack, it's a completely different drug (more similar to adderall in a way).
It's obviously best not having to rely on any stimulant but at the same time you have to be realistic... It's 100% possible to quit, yet many people relapse at least once. I wouldn't want to fail my finals just so I can be sober, only to start taking stimulants again a couple of weeks later.
IMO

i've got 2 weeks before finals... and 6 months worth of courses to catch up. it's tight, but i can make it with 2-FMA.
I was previously for a few month on dn speed paste but that fucked me up way too much so i switched to 2-FMA, again.
I want to quit, but what i want more is to change you know, change how i reward myself for the things i do, change how i manage my income etc...

 

[meprobamatedowned]

Do you not have privacy laws? Where are you from?

i'm sorry i'd rather not share that info privacy laws only extend to the reasonable. Imagine having a tweaker for a shrink (which is in fact usually the case... wtf is wrong with the law)

 

[Jabberwocky]

so yeah i think that is what i need, a semester off to solve this without school pressure.

The thing is I work in the healthcare system, in EU. Having substance abuse issues here is a no go, and will get me expelled from uni.
I unfortunately already did what you are talking about, bailing at last minute and not doing assessable work. This has me very stressed out because now that i quit what was making me sick at the time, I can't prove that I was sick, so they can't justify it. I tested positive for COVID in march but that's it, nothing medical in between that could justify me not being here... anyway i should be discussing that with my referent at the handicap advising division. They bailed me out of deep shit in the past, but i don't know if they can do much this time.

I’m sure you know the regulations, but it might be worth double checking. Universities in the US, Australia and UK (for example) often have very different rules for students busted taking or selling drugs versus ones that put their hand up and ask for help because of an abuse or addiction problem. Might be worth talking to the counselling people and asking them what their privacy rules are. No harm in checking it out.

Whatever happens, I wish you be best of luck and repeat my advice to sort out problems sooner rather than later. Things tend to escalate with time. Not just drug problems.

 

[meprobamatedowned]

Whatever happens, I wish you be best of luck and repeat my advice to sort out problems sooner rather than later. Things tend to escalate with time. Not just drug problems.

thank you very much for that, i feel better just to have wrote about it a bit. I'll keep the thread updated if i remember to, and i'm already being proactive and sending important emails that i had to write for ages haha

thanks

 

[4meSM]

i've got 2 weeks before finals... and 6 months worth of courses to catch up. it's tight, but i can make it with 2-FMA.
I was previously for a few month on dn speed paste but that fucked me up way too much so i switched to 2-FMA, again.
I want to quit, but what i want more is to change you know, change how i reward myself for the things i do, change how i manage my income etc...

Ok honestly 2 weeks is nothing.
You said you can make it up with the help of 2-FMA, this is how stimulants trap you and make the addiction cycle so hard to break... But in this case it might be true (I don't know you but I've certainly done similar things before).

Here's the thing: Will the benefits of quitting right now outweigh the consequences of failing your finals? What's the difference between trying to quit now vs 2 weeks from now?

I can't answer those questions, and neither can you (unless you had a crystal ball). But what do you think?
Try to look at the bigger picture. What are you going to do to improve your life?
Life doesn't automatically get better just because you stop doing a drug, otherwise nobody would ever relapse. In fact it often gets worse (in the short-term) before it gets better.
On the other hand, being addicted to something provides comfort but it can also blur your vision, sometimes you're unable to see how much better and happier you would actually be if you managed to change your bad habits.

 

[meprobamatedowned]

Ok honestly 2 weeks is nothing.
You said you can make it up with the help of 2-FMA, this is how stimulants trap you and make the addiction cycle so hard to break... But in this case it might be true (I don't know you but I've certainly done similar things before).

Here's the thing: Will the benefits of quitting right now outweigh the consequences of failing your finals? What's the difference between trying to quit now vs 2 weeks from now?

I can't answer those questions, and neither can you (unless you had a crystal ball). But what do you think?
Try to look at the bigger picture. What are you going to do to improve your life?
Life doesn't automatically get better just because you stop doing a drug, otherwise nobody would ever relapse. In fact it often gets worse (in the short-term) before it gets better.
On the other hand, being addicted to something provides comfort but it can also blur your vision, sometimes you're unable to see how much better and happier you would actually be if you managed to change your bad habits.

That's a very lucid way to look at it.
Will i really stop after the finals ?
You're right i cannot answer for tomorrow, but i can make choices for today. For example, every day i choose not to buy cocaine, i choose not to drink myself to sleep, i choose not to buy 3-MMC, i can go on for ages i've been making a lot of efforts recently, and this may be why i'm trying so hard to justify my 2-FMA use.
For now, i'm keeping it going. For today at least.
Tomorrow ... we'll see

 

[RedRum OG]

The journey of addiction :

1) I am weak/incapable
2) drugs make me super-strong/super-capable
3) drugs make me normal
4) I am weak/incapable even with drugs, because of the drugs

Hop off before you get to the 4th step. It is inevitable, some just get more time than others. The positive effects are temporary. Eventually you will lose all the school-related things you were doing this for in the first place. The longer you wait to quit, the harder it will be to re adapt to relying on your own skills to get you through life

 

[meprobamatedowned]

The journey of addiction :

1) I am weak/incapable
2) drugs make me super-strong/super-capable
3) drugs make me normal
4) I am weak/incapable even with drugs, because of the drugs

Hop off before you get to the 4th step. It is inevitable, some just get more time than others. The positive effects are temporary. Eventually you will lose all the school-related things you were doing this for in the first place. The longer you wait to quit, the harder it will be to re adapt to relying on your own skills to get you through life

Advice taken
Thank you