kahunaburger
Greenlighter
- Joined
- May 26, 2016
- Messages
- 3
I've been wanting some insight other than a doctors (which I've gotten) and have out this off for a long time, so anyone one willing to read through this banter is appreciated. I'm not looking for an explicit answer and am open minded, but my situation leads to a lot of paranoia when I consult myself for an explanation.
Wondering if anyone can relate to the extent of this.. Male currently 19.. self medicated with weed from age 13- 18, at first was very rewarding for the depression/ add that I was diagnosed with vs. the dozens of other medication I had tried with my doctor and were to no avail. At 14, when I had simply asked for adderall with no intent to take it medicinally, I began abusing it regularly on weekends sometimes taking over 300mg in a couple days, after half a year or less I distinctly remember feeling the first big change in my perception where I noticeably felt a change in all senses and most noticeably remember feeling that the pleasure I experienced even when sober and past detox wasn't normal anymore and extremely diminished, I'd like to say that it was null of much at all. Furthermore I couldn't get any level of buzz from addy when I tried even with months without taking it , more oddly I couldn't tolerant drinking coffee and I would start to bug out after a couple sips, this persisted for about 1 1/2 years with complete cessation of stimulants but still with daily cannabis use. By age 15 it was evident that I was no longer just self medicating but looking for an escape which I felt I needed every day, and smoked at least 2g (not always top shelf but far from brick weed, mostly hydro with some hg) while I began to get into Molly and coke on the weekends. All the while never getting into alcohol as I didn't enjoy the effects. While coke was only amusing to me and never had much of a grip on me, I instantly fell in love with mdma and things took a turn for the worse as I started using it sometimes everyday for a few months, at the end of this period I couldn't get any effects and by the end was using about a gram (crystals) everyday. Even my using friends tried to hold an intervention for me as I would use it before going to classes and they could see I wasn't looking so hot. (No pun intended, I sweated all the way through).
When I stopped using mdma my cannabis use immediately started increasing, and I felt that I couldn't see any color in the world or experience joy at all, at this point my grades started suffering as my short term memory was really starting to suffer. At this point I couldn't afford the $100 a day mDma fix that wasn't working any more, so I was a full time stoner, which was my first love so I had no problem with ultimately, I felt at the time that nothing was ok unless I was smoking and that it wasn't really ok anyways, I didn't take more than a couple hours between smoking unless I couldn't attain it from age 16 1/2-18... It is a bit embarrassing to admit that I was smoking weed like a crack fiend if only the price of crack was comparable, I felt terribly depressed and suffered from panic attacks when I wasn't smoking.
I could only endure so much of this, as I wasn't able to get stoned anymore and was getting quite suicidal, I wanted badly to quit and had no trouble admitting that I was an addict, I should also mention I had gotten into opiates and binged on them on the weekends, along with more frequent lsd and shroom trips which I loved as some level of an escape... So I would go intervals of about 1-3 weeks sober without using and would end up smoking once because of withdrawals, complete lack of concentration, and appetite, or ability to sleep. This would within a week lead to me smoking weed everyday between an eighth and towards the end of my using a quarter a day. The amount increasing between each relapse as I tried to quit about 20-30 times in my last half a year of use. Somewhere along the way I started to use 5-htp along with L-tyrosine to help withdrawals, this made is much worse when I relapsed because I would continue to take the supplements while smoking as I felt this increased the effects however marginally that was. When I would try to quit again I started to experience intense brain throbbing and scatterbrain with mimic schizophrenia symptoms at times, the brain throbbing alone persists to this day, more than a year and a half after the beginning of the symptom and 8 months sober, while the scatterbrain and intense depersonalization along with terrible memory. I now only take lots of fish oil and acetyl l carnitine, but the increase and memory and cognitive ability are probably 20% of what they were at age 13-15. I was predictably an above intelligent kid at an early age and genetically everyone in my family tests at superior IQ range (besides me). My addictionologist at my treatment center had predicted that I would have been and may come close to with continued abstinence..
My major concern is, my thinking feel very abnormal and I while my iq is increasing steadily, the pressure in my head is terrible and I feel as if I would have trumped my intelligence at age 12 vs. 19 yr old college drop out and scatterbrained bag of restlessness. The only cue I've found on the internet about my perceived abnormalities are that I may have induced pathology from mdma abuse at a young age and cannabis abuse that did not single handedly cause all of this but that further worsened the abnormalities caused by mdma and adderal abuse in conjunction... I should also mention I have always been borderline diagnosed with bi polar but and many family members have it as well. Some research shows I may have promise in returning to a more normal state because I have a several more years of brain development with more forgiving rate of neurological repair and growth. I want to hear from those who may have had this sort of crisis and can say that things got better, or any input that may be of some hope- or maybe a bitter honesty contrary to my wishing.
Thanks
Wondering if anyone can relate to the extent of this.. Male currently 19.. self medicated with weed from age 13- 18, at first was very rewarding for the depression/ add that I was diagnosed with vs. the dozens of other medication I had tried with my doctor and were to no avail. At 14, when I had simply asked for adderall with no intent to take it medicinally, I began abusing it regularly on weekends sometimes taking over 300mg in a couple days, after half a year or less I distinctly remember feeling the first big change in my perception where I noticeably felt a change in all senses and most noticeably remember feeling that the pleasure I experienced even when sober and past detox wasn't normal anymore and extremely diminished, I'd like to say that it was null of much at all. Furthermore I couldn't get any level of buzz from addy when I tried even with months without taking it , more oddly I couldn't tolerant drinking coffee and I would start to bug out after a couple sips, this persisted for about 1 1/2 years with complete cessation of stimulants but still with daily cannabis use. By age 15 it was evident that I was no longer just self medicating but looking for an escape which I felt I needed every day, and smoked at least 2g (not always top shelf but far from brick weed, mostly hydro with some hg) while I began to get into Molly and coke on the weekends. All the while never getting into alcohol as I didn't enjoy the effects. While coke was only amusing to me and never had much of a grip on me, I instantly fell in love with mdma and things took a turn for the worse as I started using it sometimes everyday for a few months, at the end of this period I couldn't get any effects and by the end was using about a gram (crystals) everyday. Even my using friends tried to hold an intervention for me as I would use it before going to classes and they could see I wasn't looking so hot. (No pun intended, I sweated all the way through).
When I stopped using mdma my cannabis use immediately started increasing, and I felt that I couldn't see any color in the world or experience joy at all, at this point my grades started suffering as my short term memory was really starting to suffer. At this point I couldn't afford the $100 a day mDma fix that wasn't working any more, so I was a full time stoner, which was my first love so I had no problem with ultimately, I felt at the time that nothing was ok unless I was smoking and that it wasn't really ok anyways, I didn't take more than a couple hours between smoking unless I couldn't attain it from age 16 1/2-18... It is a bit embarrassing to admit that I was smoking weed like a crack fiend if only the price of crack was comparable, I felt terribly depressed and suffered from panic attacks when I wasn't smoking.
I could only endure so much of this, as I wasn't able to get stoned anymore and was getting quite suicidal, I wanted badly to quit and had no trouble admitting that I was an addict, I should also mention I had gotten into opiates and binged on them on the weekends, along with more frequent lsd and shroom trips which I loved as some level of an escape... So I would go intervals of about 1-3 weeks sober without using and would end up smoking once because of withdrawals, complete lack of concentration, and appetite, or ability to sleep. This would within a week lead to me smoking weed everyday between an eighth and towards the end of my using a quarter a day. The amount increasing between each relapse as I tried to quit about 20-30 times in my last half a year of use. Somewhere along the way I started to use 5-htp along with L-tyrosine to help withdrawals, this made is much worse when I relapsed because I would continue to take the supplements while smoking as I felt this increased the effects however marginally that was. When I would try to quit again I started to experience intense brain throbbing and scatterbrain with mimic schizophrenia symptoms at times, the brain throbbing alone persists to this day, more than a year and a half after the beginning of the symptom and 8 months sober, while the scatterbrain and intense depersonalization along with terrible memory. I now only take lots of fish oil and acetyl l carnitine, but the increase and memory and cognitive ability are probably 20% of what they were at age 13-15. I was predictably an above intelligent kid at an early age and genetically everyone in my family tests at superior IQ range (besides me). My addictionologist at my treatment center had predicted that I would have been and may come close to with continued abstinence..
My major concern is, my thinking feel very abnormal and I while my iq is increasing steadily, the pressure in my head is terrible and I feel as if I would have trumped my intelligence at age 12 vs. 19 yr old college drop out and scatterbrained bag of restlessness. The only cue I've found on the internet about my perceived abnormalities are that I may have induced pathology from mdma abuse at a young age and cannabis abuse that did not single handedly cause all of this but that further worsened the abnormalities caused by mdma and adderal abuse in conjunction... I should also mention I have always been borderline diagnosed with bi polar but and many family members have it as well. Some research shows I may have promise in returning to a more normal state because I have a several more years of brain development with more forgiving rate of neurological repair and growth. I want to hear from those who may have had this sort of crisis and can say that things got better, or any input that may be of some hope- or maybe a bitter honesty contrary to my wishing.
Thanks
