Mental Health I'm So Unhappy So Often - Torture Victim

[Joey]

I've had a really tough life. I've suffered a ton of abuse and a reckless coping style. A preset top and bottom to life that feels out of my control and has also either; 1) gotten me targeted further, or 2) had me wreck my own places in life on a repetitive and countless basis.

Countless enough that the 60 times I can count moving homes or shuffling where I'm street located in my 31 years is lower than the real number for sure. It's like the number of men I've had sex with since I became extremely promiscuous in my mid 20s. It's around 100. I lost count.

I'm not proud of either statistic on myself. I've been lost in a fog in some sense for my entire life. I lose my mind sometimes. I get so upset. I cry every day. I lose my mind more and feel like I'm a bad person. All the people who have hurt me, hurt my friends, hurt me again to the core of my being with rape and torture and as of last year, one guy wanted to murder me.

What the hell is so wrong with me that I inspire people to treat me this way? So many other people talk me up like I'm this great person who's so kind and sensitive and stuff, but that's sometimes really hard to believe.

How can I believe that I'm any good at all when I'm constantly being stalked, harassed, abused, my family isn't there, my friends are geographically and otherwise distant, and everything I do that's good and cool falls apart?

Sometimes in my mind I start to personalize on all these horrible things I've been through. I start to act out verbally and I'm reflecting on what I think of all these predatorial and awful people that have fucked with my life. I cope with the trauma of it all by verbally saying things to myself as if I'm the bad guy. I'm venting on how horrible I think they are. I learned the concept of personalization in people who have been victimized in a serious way. Torture victims in particular.

I have been and am a victim of torture at multiple points in my life. I started reading on this subject and hate crimes in general lately and it was really eye opening as to how I have psychologically responded to the abject abuse I've been forced to suffer so many times.

I personalize. I feel guilty for what's happened to me. I feel so bad about everything. I verbally act out to myself as them. I hide when I'm doing this as much as I can. I don't like other people seeing me in this state. It's embarassing. It's compulsive. I feel so horrible when this starts.

But I get overwhelmed and that's what I do. I start talking like a madman and it's all about how I feel about some horrible people in my life.

I am not a hateful person. I don't hate anyone. Myself is a different story though. I hate myself so much. All I want is to meet someone who is really nice to me, who's older, who's able to lift me up when I need that. I'm seeking for true love and protection from all this horrible shit I keep going through.

I cry every night. And most days. I'm dead alone. I get told I'm beautiful often, and in actuality I'm just an attraction to be abused by predatorial people because they can sense I'm vulnerable. This has continued all the way into my 30s.

Normally being young looking and good looking would seem like a good deal right? Especially by 31 to still look that way? But what if there's something else about me that makes people want to hurt me? And what the hell is that??

I'm humiliated by the fact that I still look like 10 years younger than I am. I want to age and get older and be stable with someone who's in the same direction toward middle age , or in it. I'm not far from middle aged and I look and cry like a teenage / early 20s rape victim Because I was and I still am. Because physically I...

I dont know what I want to say. I just don't like myself at all and the pain I'm in is getting to be too much. I can foresee a suicide in my future. No matter what I have a horrible autoimmune disease now which is significantly shortening my life. It's so unfair..

I want to be good and a good person. I try to imagine that I am.. I don't know.

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

I cry every night

I did the same with no warning or other means of preparation day or night. Even in public tears would flow and sometimes sobs.
This still happens on occasion but something has changed in the last few years that makes these "spells" a little less severe. I attribute this to my wife, BL, some personal individuals that relate to the situations I have been through and aging. Prolly other factors but these are no doubt the major factors in my "healing" process.

I'm just an attraction to be abused by predatorial people because they can sense I'm vulnerable.

That is how predators behave. They feed off of those they "feel" are weaker and/or may be susceptible to their manipulations. Bullies feel they "grow" in strength and status when they destroy others state of mind... power tripping that will leave them in a bad way eventually although they do not realize this or haven't a care. They do not and will not be "king of the hill" forever and usually it is short lived (the "energy" they steal, rape, Rob etc from others).

I learned the concept of personalization in people who have been victimized in a serious way. Torture victims in particular.

Speaking as one who has endured torture; there really is no relief from the damage this causes other than finding others who have been through such and talking/crying it out. Drugs help but more times than not the drugs will cause more issues or exacerbate the "issue(s)" that they were meant to either cure or mask the underlying problem(s).
I chose both methods and it took decades to gain ground and find a substance that actually helps more with physical problems than mental/emotional ones. But when I feel I am about to go over the edge I will dose enough to basically knock my ass out for a minute and bring back a sense of perspective.

I really wish I could give a hug and assure you that this will work out eventually but it will take more than this and a lot of realizing who and what you are... a beautiful, normal, caring and unique individual that is very valuable in the the healing of humainty and the aid of those in need.
Eventually we all have what's coming to us... just focus on what it is you hold dear and look for some of the "brighter" points in such a dark place.
I love you, brother. No one said it would be easy (and it isn't) but keep your head up and do for others when and how you can.
Always my love.
Always my friend.

 

[Joey]

I did the same with no warning or other means of preparation day or night. Even in public tears would flow and sometimes sobs.
This still happens on occasion but something has changed in the last few years that makes these "spells" a little less severe. I attribute this to my wife, BL, some personal individuals that relate to the situations I have been through and aging. Prolly other factors but these are no doubt the major factors in my "healing" process.

That is how predators behave. They feed off of those they "feel" are weaker and/or may be susceptible to their manipulations. Bullies feel they "grow" in strength and status when they destroy others state of mind... power tripping that will leave them in a bad way eventually although they do not realize this or haven't a care. They do not and will not be "king of the hill" forever and usually it is short lived (the "energy" they steal, rape, Rob etc from others).

Speaking as one who has endured torture; there really is no relief from the damage this causes other than finding others who have been through such and talking/crying it out. Drugs help but more times than not the drugs will cause more issues or exacerbate the "issue(s)" that they were meant to either cure or mask the underlying problem(s).
I chose both methods and it took decades to gain ground and find a substance that actually helps more with physical problems than mental/emotional ones. But when I feel I am about to go over the edge I will dose enough to basically knock my ass out for a minute and bring back a sense of perspective.

I really wish I could give a hug and assure you that this will work out eventually but it will take more than this and a lot of realizing who and what you are... a beautiful, normal, caring and unique individual that is very valuable in the the healing of humainty and the aid of those in need.
Eventually we all have what's coming to us... just focus on what it is you hold dear and look for some of the "brighter" points in such a dark place.
I love you, brother. No one said it would be easy (and it isn't) but keep your head up and do for others when and how you can.
Always my love.
Always my friend.

Thank you, I’ve noticed you actually pay attention to how I’m feeling about stuff. Sometimes I post it explicitly and those threads don’t get many responses for some reason, but you’re there.

I don’t know how to get things right To get more feedback in this area. I think that people treat me differently than others often. Something about me.

 

[w01fg4ng]

You have been wronged by many people, suffered a tremendous amount and yet you still have the heart to put yourself out there. You feel vulnerable because that's exactly what people are when they open themselves up like you have been doing. Obviously it's scary and it's important to not get taken advantage of but you have something that many people lose and some never acquire. It's something that makes life worth living.

You have heart. You are capable of loving and being loved. It's a gift that can bring you immense joy but it can also be your weakness if you don't understand the person you are loving. The hard part about this is that you'll never completely understand the person you are loving. You can only ever understand yourself. Learn what is healthy for yourself first. Demand only the best from others but be forgiving of people's mistakes. You got this.