gibberish-noise
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jul 29, 2021
- Messages
- 147
i cant do anything right its pathetic. social interaction, academic pursuits, career, relationships, maintain the peace w family. most of the time i feel like im just one little thing away from losing it completely.
ive been fantasizing in detail about stabbing someone who ripped me off. (im 230 dollars in debt to someone else and i need or rather would like to make another purchase with a third someone but now i cant and i still have the original debt to deal with.) about stabbing myself. having a breakdown in front of family. doing something drastic like that. i know i wont do any of it but i hate what my brain does sometimes. a few days ago i woke up paranoid that the third someone i was talking to had put a bug or tracking device on my car. and i actually went out to check. of course it wasnt there but i keep thinking i just didnt look in the right place, its got to be there somewhere. no way hes working by himself. i cant trust anyone. there is no one i can talk to. i keep checking that i did things over and over to be sure i did them right. and i still never do them right. its pathetic.
im doing terribly at work and school because i cant focus for shit and my memory is fucked. and this is without using the same thing two days in a row. usually i do a few off days or weeks (if i ran out) then alternate different types of stims and downers and try not to build a tolerance. even so i feel like shit almost all the time in every way. and yes i get 5-8h sleep every day. i only dont sleep maybe once every other month or once a month depending how bad my mental state gets.
its been getting bad again. i have to force myself to drink water. even 500ml a day feels like a chore. i go days without brushing my teeth. usually i dont brush more than 4x a week but now its closer to 2. everything i do is not good enough. im too masculine and too feminine. i rush things and im too slow. im too naive and too cynical. im too liberal and too conservative. i dont fit in anywhere. there is nowhere i belong. i have a place to live but there is no home for me here.
i put in effort and its not enough. im so tired of trying and getting nowhere. i keep gaining and losing the same 5kg. my prs are the same they were two years ago. i keep trying to recomp and then giving up after a few weeks at best. im so tired of never making any progress that i dont immediately undo. i hate how weak i am. mentally and physically.
i didnt eat for six days straight in august. things were finally looking up. and holidays and social obligations and family and religion and my own dumb fucking brain came and ruined it. now i have to psych myself up to do it all again - try to build good habits and become a better person. become the sort of person i actually want to be instead of this useless wankstain. and then i will bail after a few days or a week and be right back where i started. except with an even stronger conviction that i am truly and utterly useless. what a little bitch. i cant do the simplest thing right.
i disgust myself. a few days ago i woke up feeling disgusting. i had used the night prior and didnt want to use again so soon. especially because i need to make what i have last until i can get more. which wont be for a long time because of the aforementioned financial bullshittery. so i drank about 650ml of water and puked it. felt marginally better for the moment and then returned to the usual self loathing etc. self pity galore. i hate how i am. i wish i could be different but its too hard to change. ive tried many times before to change and failed. nothing makes this time any different.
the resources i take up would be better spent on someone else. im a leech. all i do is drain everyone i come in contact with. im too negative and i hate it. i pretend to be cheery for work (barista) but its all fake. im so tired of pretending. even here i word my posts in such a way that presents myself in a particular light. i can never be myself. in every sense of the word. im too short and weak and slow and my skeleton is wrong. i can feel the wrongness physically. its bearable with denial and ignoring. i try not to think too much about it. i tell myself this body is just a shell for a spirit. the concept of self is a myth.
i want to crunch this shell the way one steps on an empty cicada husk without a second thought. i want the pieces of this body to scatter like confetti in the wind. i want to melt this body to blood and guts and evaporate it. i want it to never have been.
look at all these sentences starting with i. what a fucking narcissist. disgusting.
i took a chemistry quiz today and got 30/50. i did every question twice and finished with 3 minutes to spare. i thought i would get 50/50. why fucking bother if this is my result. ive been working about 30 hours a week (making minimum wage) as well as taking 5 classes. and ive been giving it my all. no thats false. im lazy. i could have tried harder. i could have done more problems every day than i did. but i didnt so i got the score i deserve. i dont deserve success i didnt earn.
ive never been abused or experienced trauma. my life is good. my body and all its components are functional and relatively healthy. i have family who love me, a safe place to sleep, enough food, education, internet, various other first world commodities like clean water and clothes. others would kill to have a fraction of what i have. and yet im miserable. it makes no sense. its ridiculous. and all the more so pathetic and disgusting.
there is no end in sight. i feel like a hamster on a wheel. spinning until i collapse and still getting nowhere. ive tried all sorts of mental health treatment and it doesnt help. the things i do to self medicate barely work anymore. i have nothing left. nothing works. i feel like my brain is broken. i will never reach my fitness and aesthetic goals at this rate. and getting a degree seems pointless. its just a piece of paper so i can work a different job and have enough money to put a fancy glorified large pebble over my corpse when i die after a productive lifetime of consuming and contributing to society and making the rich richer. i just want to skip the bullshit and drop dead.
but i wont be so lucky. i dont use enough stimulants for that to happen and my electrolytes are fine because i coddle this body like its an infant. thats what i am. im too much of a baby to deal with life so im taking the easy way out. except im a coward so all i do is whine instead of take action.
ive been fantasizing in detail about stabbing someone who ripped me off. (im 230 dollars in debt to someone else and i need or rather would like to make another purchase with a third someone but now i cant and i still have the original debt to deal with.) about stabbing myself. having a breakdown in front of family. doing something drastic like that. i know i wont do any of it but i hate what my brain does sometimes. a few days ago i woke up paranoid that the third someone i was talking to had put a bug or tracking device on my car. and i actually went out to check. of course it wasnt there but i keep thinking i just didnt look in the right place, its got to be there somewhere. no way hes working by himself. i cant trust anyone. there is no one i can talk to. i keep checking that i did things over and over to be sure i did them right. and i still never do them right. its pathetic.
im doing terribly at work and school because i cant focus for shit and my memory is fucked. and this is without using the same thing two days in a row. usually i do a few off days or weeks (if i ran out) then alternate different types of stims and downers and try not to build a tolerance. even so i feel like shit almost all the time in every way. and yes i get 5-8h sleep every day. i only dont sleep maybe once every other month or once a month depending how bad my mental state gets.
its been getting bad again. i have to force myself to drink water. even 500ml a day feels like a chore. i go days without brushing my teeth. usually i dont brush more than 4x a week but now its closer to 2. everything i do is not good enough. im too masculine and too feminine. i rush things and im too slow. im too naive and too cynical. im too liberal and too conservative. i dont fit in anywhere. there is nowhere i belong. i have a place to live but there is no home for me here.
i put in effort and its not enough. im so tired of trying and getting nowhere. i keep gaining and losing the same 5kg. my prs are the same they were two years ago. i keep trying to recomp and then giving up after a few weeks at best. im so tired of never making any progress that i dont immediately undo. i hate how weak i am. mentally and physically.
i didnt eat for six days straight in august. things were finally looking up. and holidays and social obligations and family and religion and my own dumb fucking brain came and ruined it. now i have to psych myself up to do it all again - try to build good habits and become a better person. become the sort of person i actually want to be instead of this useless wankstain. and then i will bail after a few days or a week and be right back where i started. except with an even stronger conviction that i am truly and utterly useless. what a little bitch. i cant do the simplest thing right.
i disgust myself. a few days ago i woke up feeling disgusting. i had used the night prior and didnt want to use again so soon. especially because i need to make what i have last until i can get more. which wont be for a long time because of the aforementioned financial bullshittery. so i drank about 650ml of water and puked it. felt marginally better for the moment and then returned to the usual self loathing etc. self pity galore. i hate how i am. i wish i could be different but its too hard to change. ive tried many times before to change and failed. nothing makes this time any different.
the resources i take up would be better spent on someone else. im a leech. all i do is drain everyone i come in contact with. im too negative and i hate it. i pretend to be cheery for work (barista) but its all fake. im so tired of pretending. even here i word my posts in such a way that presents myself in a particular light. i can never be myself. in every sense of the word. im too short and weak and slow and my skeleton is wrong. i can feel the wrongness physically. its bearable with denial and ignoring. i try not to think too much about it. i tell myself this body is just a shell for a spirit. the concept of self is a myth.
i want to crunch this shell the way one steps on an empty cicada husk without a second thought. i want the pieces of this body to scatter like confetti in the wind. i want to melt this body to blood and guts and evaporate it. i want it to never have been.
look at all these sentences starting with i. what a fucking narcissist. disgusting.
i took a chemistry quiz today and got 30/50. i did every question twice and finished with 3 minutes to spare. i thought i would get 50/50. why fucking bother if this is my result. ive been working about 30 hours a week (making minimum wage) as well as taking 5 classes. and ive been giving it my all. no thats false. im lazy. i could have tried harder. i could have done more problems every day than i did. but i didnt so i got the score i deserve. i dont deserve success i didnt earn.
ive never been abused or experienced trauma. my life is good. my body and all its components are functional and relatively healthy. i have family who love me, a safe place to sleep, enough food, education, internet, various other first world commodities like clean water and clothes. others would kill to have a fraction of what i have. and yet im miserable. it makes no sense. its ridiculous. and all the more so pathetic and disgusting.
there is no end in sight. i feel like a hamster on a wheel. spinning until i collapse and still getting nowhere. ive tried all sorts of mental health treatment and it doesnt help. the things i do to self medicate barely work anymore. i have nothing left. nothing works. i feel like my brain is broken. i will never reach my fitness and aesthetic goals at this rate. and getting a degree seems pointless. its just a piece of paper so i can work a different job and have enough money to put a fancy glorified large pebble over my corpse when i die after a productive lifetime of consuming and contributing to society and making the rich richer. i just want to skip the bullshit and drop dead.
but i wont be so lucky. i dont use enough stimulants for that to happen and my electrolytes are fine because i coddle this body like its an infant. thats what i am. im too much of a baby to deal with life so im taking the easy way out. except im a coward so all i do is whine instead of take action.
