toolittletoolate
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Mar 3, 2017
- Messages
- 9
Well damn I'm bummed out, I was so tired last night and I finished my whole first post and hit submit and apparently it didnt submit it (or save it wtf)
Anyhow, I'm here to start a recovery journal. My homes the last few years have been shroomery/growery/reddit but this seemed like the perfect spot to start a journal I can keep up with.
I guess I'll start with a little about myself. 28M, been using drugs more or less on a daily basis since I was 15-16. It started with polysubstance abuse and then when I hit 19-20 it changed to primarily opiates and some benzos sprinkled in. Lots of ODs I'm sure you can imagine. That led to a forced 2 year stint of clean time (best time of my life). However when I got out it didn't take me long at all to get up to the neck in it again. I lasted a little over a year and then headed down to South FL for rehab. While I was in FL I met the absolute love of my life and moved to NC to live with her.
When I moved I did the (maybe one) smart thing and never looked for any connects here. But I did have an itch. For something, anything. I started drinking for a few weeks and then realized alcohol is no good either. So I ordered some kratom. I figured if I was going to use something on a daily basis, then I better use then cheapest and safest thing possible. Fast forward two years and thats where I'm at today. I have taken massive doses of kratom (15-20g 3-4x/day for an average of 50-60g/day). So yeah, thats where I am at. Also I got a car 6 months ago. And since I'm only around 3 hours away from where I grew up I've been going home every month or so and getting high on heroin. Thinking it's not a big deal because it's so sporadic... but we all know thats where it starts.
And then there is my GF, my sweet GF. Truly an amazing person and then best thing that has ever happened to me. She is an ex addict (one of those hardcore addicts who just stops one day, I seriously don't understand it) and from the very beginning she told me that she couldn't be around anyone that was using drugs. She was not thrilled, but OK with the Kratom. But as soon as I started to make those trips home 6 months ago she would always catch me. As she used to be an ex addict she knows all the tricks and spots that shit from a mile away. I might have taken heroin 7-8+ hours ago and not feel anything at all anymore, but it's like she smells it on me. Anyway, every time she's caught me it's distanced us further and further. And this last time may have been the breaking point.
To be clear I am not doing this for her though, I am doing it for me. But I would be absolutely devastated if I lost her because I wasn't able to control the stupid fucking urges in my head. So I am going to try and fight this time.
I only have 4 days of heroin in my system so those WDs should be more then manageable, I obviously am riding on 2+ years of kratom but I've had 'quit weeks' here and there so I know I can get through the acute stage of kratom pretty easily. I have a bit of suboxone if I really need it (like for work, which I can't take off), etizolam (as needed, probably for work), clonidine, gabapentin, really good vitamins/minerals, black seed oil, etc. So I am pretty set there. But like I said above, I'm king of WD. I have gone through so many acute WDs in my life it doesn't phase me a whole lot anymore.
What I am absolutely terrified about is the mental part after, the PAWS. I quit kratom for 7-8 days back in December and got through the first 5-6 pretty easily. And then the PAWS hit. Extreme depression/anhedonia and worst of all the anxiety. It's bad enough at home dealing with it, but I have a very nice job. I bartend at a fancy place, and am expected to be a certain level of 'bright' and social. So last time this really fucked with my work, and I was getting super anxious around coworkers etc.
It's part of the reason I'm quitting anyway because long term kratom use makes you (me at least, and many people over on r/quittingkratom) very anxious. Many of the problems you took it for initially, it ends up causing you after a long term addiction.
Anyway I'm sorry that was so long winded. I wanted to give you guys a little backstory so you know a little about what I was going through.
I threw all my kratom away yesterday, and when I woke up I was looking for a charger and found another bag hidden. I woke up feeling sweaty and shitty so obviously I took some. So unfortunately this wont count as day one, however I turned that bag over to my GF to destroy so I really won't have anymore now.
Guys - I'm really going to need your support through this. And I hate admitting that because I hate asking for things. But I know this is going to be really hard on me and I know that I've never outside of a forced 2 years spent any meaningful time 100% drug free in my life. I don't know what it's like, and I don't know how to get there. I know it will be good, but I know the road to get there is going to be very hard.
I've been standing here for too long watching people, places, dreams and ambitions move by. It's time to move.
Anyhow, I'm here to start a recovery journal. My homes the last few years have been shroomery/growery/reddit but this seemed like the perfect spot to start a journal I can keep up with.
I guess I'll start with a little about myself. 28M, been using drugs more or less on a daily basis since I was 15-16. It started with polysubstance abuse and then when I hit 19-20 it changed to primarily opiates and some benzos sprinkled in. Lots of ODs I'm sure you can imagine. That led to a forced 2 year stint of clean time (best time of my life). However when I got out it didn't take me long at all to get up to the neck in it again. I lasted a little over a year and then headed down to South FL for rehab. While I was in FL I met the absolute love of my life and moved to NC to live with her.
When I moved I did the (maybe one) smart thing and never looked for any connects here. But I did have an itch. For something, anything. I started drinking for a few weeks and then realized alcohol is no good either. So I ordered some kratom. I figured if I was going to use something on a daily basis, then I better use then cheapest and safest thing possible. Fast forward two years and thats where I'm at today. I have taken massive doses of kratom (15-20g 3-4x/day for an average of 50-60g/day). So yeah, thats where I am at. Also I got a car 6 months ago. And since I'm only around 3 hours away from where I grew up I've been going home every month or so and getting high on heroin. Thinking it's not a big deal because it's so sporadic... but we all know thats where it starts.
And then there is my GF, my sweet GF. Truly an amazing person and then best thing that has ever happened to me. She is an ex addict (one of those hardcore addicts who just stops one day, I seriously don't understand it) and from the very beginning she told me that she couldn't be around anyone that was using drugs. She was not thrilled, but OK with the Kratom. But as soon as I started to make those trips home 6 months ago she would always catch me. As she used to be an ex addict she knows all the tricks and spots that shit from a mile away. I might have taken heroin 7-8+ hours ago and not feel anything at all anymore, but it's like she smells it on me. Anyway, every time she's caught me it's distanced us further and further. And this last time may have been the breaking point.
To be clear I am not doing this for her though, I am doing it for me. But I would be absolutely devastated if I lost her because I wasn't able to control the stupid fucking urges in my head. So I am going to try and fight this time.
I only have 4 days of heroin in my system so those WDs should be more then manageable, I obviously am riding on 2+ years of kratom but I've had 'quit weeks' here and there so I know I can get through the acute stage of kratom pretty easily. I have a bit of suboxone if I really need it (like for work, which I can't take off), etizolam (as needed, probably for work), clonidine, gabapentin, really good vitamins/minerals, black seed oil, etc. So I am pretty set there. But like I said above, I'm king of WD. I have gone through so many acute WDs in my life it doesn't phase me a whole lot anymore.
What I am absolutely terrified about is the mental part after, the PAWS. I quit kratom for 7-8 days back in December and got through the first 5-6 pretty easily. And then the PAWS hit. Extreme depression/anhedonia and worst of all the anxiety. It's bad enough at home dealing with it, but I have a very nice job. I bartend at a fancy place, and am expected to be a certain level of 'bright' and social. So last time this really fucked with my work, and I was getting super anxious around coworkers etc.
It's part of the reason I'm quitting anyway because long term kratom use makes you (me at least, and many people over on r/quittingkratom) very anxious. Many of the problems you took it for initially, it ends up causing you after a long term addiction.
Anyway I'm sorry that was so long winded. I wanted to give you guys a little backstory so you know a little about what I was going through.
I threw all my kratom away yesterday, and when I woke up I was looking for a charger and found another bag hidden. I woke up feeling sweaty and shitty so obviously I took some. So unfortunately this wont count as day one, however I turned that bag over to my GF to destroy so I really won't have anymore now.
Guys - I'm really going to need your support through this. And I hate admitting that because I hate asking for things. But I know this is going to be really hard on me and I know that I've never outside of a forced 2 years spent any meaningful time 100% drug free in my life. I don't know what it's like, and I don't know how to get there. I know it will be good, but I know the road to get there is going to be very hard.
I've been standing here for too long watching people, places, dreams and ambitions move by. It's time to move.