passthatshit
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Feb 2, 2016
- Messages
- 19
Its taken 4 years of drug usage to finally come to my senses about the way my life is going. Waking up in someones bed crying and begging your only friend not to leave you, promising you will change is really enough for me to get my shit back together. I thought I learned last year. I thought my meth scare was enough to bring me into a more positive lifestyle. I guess I wasnt commited enough, didnt care enough, whatever.
I was sitting in despair and existential agony.. thinking that I was alien and the whole world could fuck off praying for death or something in life to come around and save my ass before I fell of the deep end. I found solace temporarily only to have massive anxiety, leading me back to square one. I started doing heroin again and tried to hang myself. Thought about pushing myself into oncoming traffic. Told my friend this.. guess that got them more concerned about me than I was concerned about me because I didnt care. I had no real reason to care I thought. But now I have a few reasons to care and I want to fix myself before im dead and have no chance of doing so. A few years ago I was someone else. I was happy, I was confident. My brain wasnt my enemy as much as it is now & I didnt hate myself. I hated the world but never myself. I hated that I created problems for people but I still liked who I was for the most part. I want to be that person again except a little better. I want to feel grandiose again. Right now, I feel like a hopeless liability with major neurotic symptoms. Not an attractive feeling.. I dont want to depend on others to help me. People say well, you gotta have help somewhere. You cant do it alone. Maybe true. But depending on others wont work either so you gotta balance it out.
I gotta go to therapy and talk to someone weekly. I gotta be sober. Ive seen what drugs have done to the people around me and its really nothing to admire. Sure.. being without anxiety and having a quick fix is nice but it only lasts so long until youre really just hurting your life and you could have the same relief by an anti psychotic without all the bullshit. Im staying sober. Too much of a liability otherwise. Im fixing my mentality. Im seeing what i can do with myself. I dont want to do anything but sleep right now but that is okay. That should pass too. I want to be someone better. I want to be someone that id be proud to be. I dont like looking at myself with shame anymore.
I was sitting in despair and existential agony.. thinking that I was alien and the whole world could fuck off praying for death or something in life to come around and save my ass before I fell of the deep end. I found solace temporarily only to have massive anxiety, leading me back to square one. I started doing heroin again and tried to hang myself. Thought about pushing myself into oncoming traffic. Told my friend this.. guess that got them more concerned about me than I was concerned about me because I didnt care. I had no real reason to care I thought. But now I have a few reasons to care and I want to fix myself before im dead and have no chance of doing so. A few years ago I was someone else. I was happy, I was confident. My brain wasnt my enemy as much as it is now & I didnt hate myself. I hated the world but never myself. I hated that I created problems for people but I still liked who I was for the most part. I want to be that person again except a little better. I want to feel grandiose again. Right now, I feel like a hopeless liability with major neurotic symptoms. Not an attractive feeling.. I dont want to depend on others to help me. People say well, you gotta have help somewhere. You cant do it alone. Maybe true. But depending on others wont work either so you gotta balance it out.
I gotta go to therapy and talk to someone weekly. I gotta be sober. Ive seen what drugs have done to the people around me and its really nothing to admire. Sure.. being without anxiety and having a quick fix is nice but it only lasts so long until youre really just hurting your life and you could have the same relief by an anti psychotic without all the bullshit. Im staying sober. Too much of a liability otherwise. Im fixing my mentality. Im seeing what i can do with myself. I dont want to do anything but sleep right now but that is okay. That should pass too. I want to be someone better. I want to be someone that id be proud to be. I dont like looking at myself with shame anymore.
