I'm a shithead who's fresh out of other shitheads

[MrsGamp]

in the midst of half-hearted but better-than-nothing efforts to get a bit better, the ONLY person I thought would never let me down or rip me off has totally fucked me over - namely my brother.
We are both dependent, at least psychologically, on Dexamphetamine pills, and since neither of us has a script, these always have to bought at exhorbitant cost from dealers.
All last week, he was staying here, and I paid for at least $300 worth of Dex for him, plus his food, his cigarettes, his cab fares, his GP and pharmacist bills...the understanding was that he'd reimburse me when he got his dole (ie tomorrow). Also, a mutual friend had said I could have a bottle of 100 Dex for $350, which is $150 less than the normal price. My brother is like, "don't worry, I'll help you to buy the bottle ..." and even though he'd already had about half a bottle that week entirely at my expense, I said he could have another 50 if he made sure I'd have the $350 for the guy selling them....

Well, my brother's payday was imminent, and I was all but cleaned out. So he threw a total shit fit over nothing, said every horrible thing he could think of to me, amd then stormed out (taking electronic device for the gate in my block of flats with him, which was a crowning asshole touch, since I have a bad knee and now have to climb over gate to get in and out).

Last night my father, who owns this shithole in which I live, rings me from my brother's phone: screams at me that he's going to evict me for not paying him rent. I usually pay him $100 per f/night and he's lucky to get that, since the place is so run down and the electrics are so unsafe that he'd never be able to legally rent it to anyone else. The toilet leaks, there's practically no hot water ... It's a squat, basically.

I hung up in terror (my dad is a very scary alcoholic) and then tried to call Dad back on his own phone, which is a landline. My number has been blocked, which can only be my brother ...my old dad wouldn't even know how to block someone's number,nor would he want to block me, if I was calling about paying his rent.

I called up guy who was going to sell me bottle: he's now selling it to my brother, who will be cashed up tomorrow. I had to beg the guy to come over here and sell me just a few because I have to see a lawyer tomorrow about criminal compo and have no idea of how I'll manage to keep the appt without a few tablets.

I am not only pissed off at being burned, but broken hearted: I thought my brother was the only person I could trust.

 

[MrsGamp]

It's a typical bullshit situation that you end up in if you are
a. Dependent on a substance
b. Trusting enough to count on other substance-dependent people to be anything other than bottom-of-the-barrel opportunists

 

[MrsGamp]

I could totally fuck my brother up with his usual dealer if I wanted to, because he routinely steals a few tabs here and there whenever the dealer's back is turned, and has assumed it'll never be noticed. But a mutual friend of ours who buys from the same guy told me today that the dealer in question has noticed he's got less tabs than he should have, and asked me if I thought it was my brother. I said I didn't think so, since despite the totally scungy trick he's played on me this week, my brother would probably be suicidal if his only sure fire connection fell over. But obviously he's under suspicion, so it may be too late ...

 

[MrsGamp]

The thing that hurts is all that I've been through with my brother ...like when our mother hanged herself 7 years ago. We were both there when the cops found her body. We kissed her goodbye together. We fell asleep that night holding hands. We've got an indissoluble bond, beyond that of your usual brother/sister. And I'll always honour it no matter what he does ... But I am not going to let him rip me off anymore. It is ruining my life and just breaking my heart.

 

[MrsGamp]

Even with drugs you think there's someone in it with you who won't let you down, and then they do....
My brother has ripped me off to the tune of about $400.
I trusted him and I was living in bullshit land.
I am fairly sure he had sex with my hideous ex boyfriend too.
He certainly never murmured on my behalf despite my broken bones and bashed in face.
The shit fit he manufactured the other night (in order to evade having to reimburse for drugs or money) included every cruel and horrible thing in his repertoire, including blaming me for our mother's suicide, and telling me to shut up about being "abused" because I was an "abuser" myself.

Maybe I was unkind to Mum: her threats of suicide seemed manipulative to me at the time. I was guilty of telling her to go fuck herself. I'm sorry now. I didn't know she'd do it.

The only good thing is my lovely 17 year old daughter. If I'd never had a daughter my Mum would be alive (long story).

What can I do? Is it enough? Have I had enough yet?

I try to be kind, but everyone thinks I am a shithead, except for my daughter.

I'm at a loss. I was so lonely tonight tonight I even tried to call shithead ex.

Tomorrow I am spending the last of my money on 20 proxy Dexamphetamine so I can talk to a criminal compo lawyer without crying at 3pm

 

[MrsGamp]

Ps the ultimate torture is doubt: just because people who are shitheads tell me I'm a shithead, doesn't mean I'm not a shithead. because haven't I also been crass, self interested, and told handy shitheads what they want to hear?

 

[Specified]

Ahhhhhh so that's why he says its lonely if I text...oft what a crackhead ffs get a life

 

[Jabberwocky]

Ps the ultimate torture is doubt: just because people who are shitheads tell me I'm a shithead, doesn't mean I'm not a shithead. because haven't I also been crass, self interested, and told handy shitheads what they want to hear?

I think your being to hard on yourself. We are all shit heads and some of us have been worse then others, but the problem with the world today is not enough people are taking a look at themselves constructively. They just bash themselves and others and perpetuate a cycle. I feel as if you need a vacation of some sorts albeit whatever you can afford to do.

 

[sewerslide.666mg]

sometimes when ppl call you names it's a reflection of themselves, like ppl from my old work would talk shit about the waitresses for being fat when some of them can't even see their own dick, I've seen it outher places to,

 

[MrsGamp]

I think your being to hard on yourself. We are all shit heads and some of us have been worse then others, but the problem with the world today is not enough people are taking a look at themselves constructively. They just bash themselves and others and perpetuate a cycle. I feel as if you need a vacation of some sorts albeit whatever you can afford to do.

I'd love a vacation. But I need non-shitheads to give me a rest from feeling like a shit. Damn this COVID thing. I'd be going to AA, NA, even church ... Not that twelve step groups and church aren't shithead-free. On the contrary. But I've bounced in and out of AA for years and have befriended a few bona fide people who really want to get better and help ... my shittiness has always undermined such friendships. But there are people who've been alcoholics/addicts who are honest, or at least honest enough to be self conscious about their own shithead-reflexes, and call you on your own shit with good intentions....

 

[MrsGamp]

sometimes when ppl call you names it's a reflection of themselves, like ppl from my old work would talk shit about the waitresses for being fat when some of them can't even see their own dick, I've seen it outher places to,

Oh God I know. And this is part of my confusion. For eg,I am pretty sure I am not totally insane. And therefore I know that I never repeatedly punched my ex in the face or choked him. This is in fact exactly what he did to me ...but insisted I did to him. The "choking" accusation is bullshit, I know for sure, because being choked by him was intolerable...but he weighs twice as much as me, is a foot taller, is just immensely stronger. If I had ever tried to "choke" him, he would've biffed me off like a fly.
Wtf am I even talking about ... I know I never choked him. I just had it dinned into me that I did. Usually over hours. When there was a real risk I'd get choked again if I didn't agree I was the person who always "started the choking".

 

[deficiT]

It sounds to me like your brother is being unfair and putting too much on your plate. You can't be held responsible for every problem in your family history. Maybe he is trying to manipulate the situation to make you into a bad guy? Likely he is in a bad way himself and doesn't have the capacity to understand what he's doing.

But that is his problem so you need to make sure to set boundaries for your own benefit. Knowing when to utilize the old "fuck off then" is important. It does sound like you guys have some family trauma that you need to work through, but that does take time.

Either way, getting too caught up in what your reputation may or may not be is usually a quick path to self doubt and being overly self critical, which it seems to be what you might be doing. Just keep working towards bettering your life for the sake of yourself and your daughter.

Widen your focus too much and you end up dealing with a bunch of shitheads who don't deserve your help.

 

[MrsGamp]

It sounds to me like your brother is being unfair and putting too much on your plate. You can't be held responsible for every problem in your family history. Maybe he is trying to manipulate the situation to make you into a bad guy? Likely he is in a bad way himself and doesn't have the capacity to understand what he's doing.

But that is his problem so you need to make sure to set boundaries for your own benefit. Knowing when to utilize the old "fuck off then" is important. It does sound like you guys have some family trauma that you need to work through, but that does take time.

Either way, getting too caught up in what your reputation may or may not be is usually a quick path to self doubt and being overly self critical, which it seems to be what you might be doing. Just keep working towards bettering your life for the sake of yourself and your daughter.

Widen your focus too much and you end up dealing with a bunch of shitheads who don't deserve your help.

Thanks shroom ...thing is, I have been a real asshole at times. Mostly because of drinking. But also because of being quite ambitious when younger. I got a PhD and published a book .. that was all a long time ago, but still, as Mum used to say, "education is the one thing no-one can take away from you". Mum supported me a lot with my studies, and later when I was lecturing, she helped a lot with babysitting my daughter, who was pre-school back then. My brother used to do a lot of "day care" too.
His current thing seems to be that I stopped him from doing anything with his own life. I honestly don't feel this is fair. I WISH he'd "do his own thing" more. Instead he spends ages looking for mentions of my book on the Internet and emailing positive reviews to me, which is sweet, but I'd rather he didn't tbh. His other thing is typing up our late mother's journals and diaries...some of which are worth preserving but all the same, he's such a talented writer himself - he's had short stories published - i wish he'd do his OWN stuff! If I tell him this he acts like I am insulting him!

 

[deficiT]

@MrsGamp Ah so DrGamp it is then?? I will remember that

With my brother I wish he would quit being neurotic about everything and just kick back and play music w/ me. But he just gets all up in his head it seems and isn't able to let down those barriers.

I know he's got a lot of writing, musical and otherwise, brewing that I wish he'd express.

 

[MrsGamp]

@MrsGamp Ah so DrGamp it is then?? I will remember that

With my brother I wish he would quit being neurotic about everything and just kick back and play music w/ me. But he just gets all up in his head it seems and isn't able to let down those barriers.

I know he's got a lot of writing, musical and otherwise, brewing that I wish he'd express.

I hear you ...my brother and I used to write together but you can't do anything with him now except watch documentaries (of his choice) or argue...

 

[MrsGamp]

UPDATE: I guess I ought to mention that my brother "paid me back" about half the drugs he owed me, albeit in the most passive-aggressive way possible. Or even just aggressive-aggressive.
I got up in the middle of the night and screamed because someone was standing in the doorway of my bedroom. It was him of course. He was putting a saucer on my dressing table, which had 20 pills on it, plus the electronic gate device.
"There's your pills," he said, or something like that ...and left.

The overall theme of this bizarre two second visit was that I'm a despicable bully and he's my hapless victim .... but a proud victim .... with defiance in his eyes ... going off into the cold night ... etc

I admit I'd sent a lot of text messages to him which had their own possibly annoying overtones of "outraged-but-hurt" . But it's annoying that this shitty gesture is supposed to pass as him "paying me back", when it's not even half of what he actually owes me.

 

[deficiT]

UPDATE: I guess I ought to mention that my brother "paid me back" about half the drugs he owed me, albeit in the most passive-aggressive way possible. Or even just aggressive-aggressive.
I got up in the middle of the night and screamed because someone was standing in the doorway of my bedroom. It was him of course. He was putting a saucer on my dressing table, which had 20 pills on it, plus the electronic gate device.
"There's your pills," he said, or something like that ...and left.

The overall theme of this bizarre two second visit was that I'm a despicable bully and he's my hapless victim .... but a proud victim .... with defiance in his eyes ... going off into the cold night ... etc

I admit I'd sent a lot of text messages to him which had their own possibly annoying overtones of "outraged-but-hurt" . But it's annoying that this shitty gesture is supposed to pass as him "paying me back", when it's not even half of what he actually owes me.

Mfer owed you damn right I'd be texting lol

 

[✿Dai₷y✿]

It's a typical bullshit situation that you end up in if you are
a. Dependent on a substance
b. Trusting enough to count on other substance-dependent people to be anything other than bottom-of-the-barrel opportunists

I'm sorry you are going through this mate.

I'd be a lot better off financially myself if I put logical thought in helping loved ones, alas it's not that simple.

Youll have to put yourself first above anyone when you can't afford to lose what is being asked of you, it's selfish but not really as the capacity to bounce back is not there anymore if you lose too much.





Take care mate, hope you will be ok.

 

[MrsGamp]

I'm sorry you are going through this mate.

I'd be a lot better off financially myself if I put logical thought in helping loved ones, alas it's not that simple.

Youll have to put yourself first above anyone when you can't afford to lose what is being asked of you, it's selfish but not really as the capacity to bounce back is not there anymore if you lose too much.





Take care mate, hope you will be ok.

Thanks. I'm really upset because I have literally no-one else except my 17 year old daughter, and I don't hear from her very much, sadly, although she loves me. Besides, adults need adult friends to help them ...you can't lean on your kids.
I've just ended exhausting text msg war with him by telling him that "he'd run me over with a fucking tractor for the sake of his wretched addiction", which seems true at the moment. Not that I'm not an addict. But I've never just shat on him from a great height, or if I have I have tried very hard to make it up to him.

 

[MrsGamp]

Oh God I MUST leave the house. I'm so depressed by this falling out with my brother that I'm just bloody well going to get drunk again. Like I did yesterday. It's too lonely on my own. I can't even go to an AA meeting because they're all closed because of fucking COVID which is fucking STUPID because this is Australia ...