Serious I think that someone I know has relapsed.

[lilcookiecrisp]

Hey everyone. I was a BL member waaaaay back in the day and I'm returning under a new profile, haven't been on here in years, and TDS came to mind when trying to think about where to seek some advice/somewhere to vent about this situation.

I'll give you the background of it, as I think it'll provide context, and I guess also because my head is feeling a bit messy and I could use a place to vent where I can talk openly about drug use.

For half my adult life, I had undiagnosed ADHD, and it presented in some pretty extreme drug taking and alcohol abuse. At two points in my life I had addictions, firstly to amphetamine sulphate, and secondly to MCAT. I kicked both of them on my own by withdrawing from the social circles it was happening in. Once I got properly sober I started therapy for historic sexual violence, an abusive relationship and again, undiagnosed ADHD. I'm now seven months diagnosed ADHD, six years of therapy under my belt, and sober apart from the ADHD meds (Vyvanse and a dexy booster) and a very occasional hard seltzer or three for a special occasion. I'm just about to graduate from this round of therapy and my support worker thinks that I'm ready to try living "the new truth of my life".

So ten years ago, I went to an outdoor party at my old stomping ground, and met a really wonderful guy who was sitting tending to the fire. We chatted for a good five or six hours, fuelled by MDMD and strawberry wine, and it turned out that he was there to DJ and was also the co-founder of a legendary club night in the city I used to live in. I was pretty wasted, and I can't remember exactly what we talked about, I only really have an idea of it... but I remember feeling really peaceful and safe with him (yes, probably the MDMA to start with) and it felt like we made a connection.

I was meant to go and see his DJ set (at 3am) but got stuck in a tent with my friends and someone's little brother, who had gone into a horrible psychosis, and we all kind of had to rally round and support him through it. I missed the DJ set and ended up leaving for home the next day without seeing the guy again.

Thankfully, I found him on Facebook, we connected and had some lovely chats. I made a few mis-steps because I was often drunk or high, and would bother him to chat with no real respect for his boundaries. I went to a club night he played at, and at the end of the night he came and hugged me before he left and just said "we need to get together and talk about this".

I don't remember exactly what went wrong in the end, but we'd been chatting online, and he said something about me making him feel uncomfortable. Again, drunk and/or high, I totally over-reacted and did a big flounce, telling him I wouldn't talk to him anymore then, and unfriending him.

The only time his name came up in subsequent years was in the months after that happened, as I sobered up and became horribly ashamed of my behaviour, and was unable to go to a few parties because he was DJing and I couldn't face him. There was also another occasion where I was at a new friend's house after he'd DJed a festival, and I mentioned the guy's name. My friend was just like "oh he's a right cokehead him" and that was it.

So, imagine my surprise when ten years later, I get a friend request from the guy on Facebook. Because I'm sober, and sure of myself, and curious, I accepted and I waited to see if he'd get in touch. He messaged me within a couple of hours, and had a lovely catch up, if a little stilted on both sides for whatever reason. He mentioned having had long covid, things got a little deep for a minute (I'm pretty sure he's holding in some kind of trauma), and he mentioned that he'd had a bit of a substance problem in lockdown but that his Dad had figured it out and helped him knock it on the head. It was mostly nice though, and it felt like he was doing well. He told me "you're one of the only things in 20 years that's made any sense to me". That was pretty powerful. I noted as the evening went on that he had some pretty grandiose flights of fancy e.g. insisting he'd take me to Berlin, stuff like that. We ended that chat at 3am and on a good note.

He messaged the next day to apologise if he'd been a bit much and said he'd had a few pints. I said that's all cool, it was a lovely chat, no harm done. We chatted more, and he asked if I'd meet him for a coffee date. I explained about therapy, etc, and said that it would be nice but that I might need to chat more first. He said no rush. We chatted a few more times, and I noticed that later on at night, he sometimes got a bit of a "tone" and started coming out with grandiose flights of fancy about buying a cottage in my local area, and getting me to look up listings for him, talking about the money he made, stuff like that. At the time I just thought he must have had a couple of pints or something, and I thought it was a little endearing. I ended up agreeing to meet him for coffee pretty soon after that as it felt like the best way to keep reconnecting.

We picked a date, we picked a location. Then last week he contacted me to apologise because he couldn't make the date, as he had a hospital appointment. Unprompted, he also sent a photo of the hospital letter, which I felt was really thoughtful as he made it really clear that it was a genuine snafu and that he did want to still meet up. We went on to have a great, in depth chat online, this was daytime by the way. By the time we parted virtual ways, I was starting to get butterflies and feeling like we had lots in common and that I really wanted to meet him because I thought there might be something real there. It felt like we were in the same place in our lives, wanted a lot of the same things, and were compatible in terms of not wanting kids and wanting to travel.

Then Friday night happened.

It started with a nice conversation, we rearranged when we were going to meet, and everything seemed fine. I could tell as the night went on that his vibe started to change and I felt a little uneasy. I remember thinking around 11pm that I should probably just say goodnight and head to bed. But, I ignored the gut instinct, and how I regret that. He went into his flights of fancy again, this time we were going to run away together, we were going to go to Italy for three months. Those flights of fancy now feel like a red flag (or at least a pink one) but they seemed kind of endearing at the time. It got quite hard to interpret what he was saying in texts, just because of his wording, but I just assumed it was down to my ADHD as although I can write really well, I struggle to interpret things like tone and nuance in other people's written messages unless I know their voice and mannerisms. It's been so long since I talked to this guy that he could sound like Elmer Fudd for all I know.

Things took a really dark turn sometimes after midnight, I can't quite pinpoint when. He became incredibly morose, belligerent, and paranoid. He said that people wanted to "mould him" and to change him. That he hadn't hugged anyone in 9 years and didn't like hugging people. That people didn't understand him and didn't connect with him, and that he looked down on them. That he couldn't connect or relate to people. He kept calling people "grunts" (I don't know what he meant) and getting angry because those people asked him questions (when I asked him what kind of questions, it sounds like they were just interested in him and his life, he's had a super interesting life and I can see why people would be fascinated). Then, the worst bit for me, he says that if his long covid isn't sorted by the end of March, that he's going to "jump". That he's sick of the shit he's had to deal with for the last three years. For context, I've lost five people to suicide including an ex, and my best friend died last year unexpectedly (not suicide but still viciously unexpected) so I didn't handle it very well. I tried to clarify with him, and he got belligerent. Then he tried to backtrack, then he tried to deny that's what he meant but couldn't explain what he did mean. By this point my CPTSD was completely triggered, and I went into freeze mode. I was too scared to just sign off and go to bed (at nearly 3am by this point) and I was terrified that if I didn't do something that he might have acted on what he said he was going to do. I eventually was able to log off after he said we'd talk in the morning.

We didn't talk in the morning. I hadn't slept and I thought I'd wait and see what he did, and no contact ever came. I was terrified for hours that he'd done something stupid, until I saw that he'd watched my Facebook story at teatime. I didn't sleep that night either, and he was posting music at 3am, so clearly he was ok.

We haven't talked at all since that horrible conversation and with hindsight, I'm now fairly sure that either he didn't knock the cocaine on the head, or he's got a drinking problem. The way that he acted, I remember him getting a little like that when we first met a decade ago, but I figured he's done a ton of work on himself so surely it'll not keep happening. I'm 41F and he's 51M btw. I don't really know how to explain it but just going by the pattern of happy, lovely, flights of fancy behaviour, descending into morose paranoia and angry harmful statements, that sounds like someone who has taken something, or who can't handle their drink after a certain point, and I don't know what to do.

Technically, I owe this guy nothing. I don't want to go on the date with him at this time (not that I think it'd be going ahead after what happened) but I'm hesitant to cut him off completely, because it genuinely sounds like he doesn't really have anyone particularly close to him... though with some of his behaviour I can kind of see why. He behaves like that, he puts up walls, and if I get to a certain point with him about what's ACTUALLY on his mind... he'll deflect and change the subject so nothing ever processes. I'm scared that he'll follow through on his mention of "jumping" after March. Where he lives is pretty close to a huge high bridge, where a famous singer (in our country) took his life some years ago.

I care for him, and when he's sober he's fascinating and intelligent, but I can in no way cope with the rest of it. I feel like he needs rehab and/or therapy. I know I should probably just have the conversation with him, but I just don't know if I'm brave enough to deal with the fallout, and I keep questioning my assessment of the situation e.g. maybe he's not an addict, despite all the signs pointing to someone with problems.

I don't know if there's any advice can be given for this. But if you got this far, well done. Thank you. I don't really have anyone I could confide in that understands drugs at this level, so if nothing else it was good to let this all out.

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

I care for him, and when he's sober he's fascinating and intelligent, but I can in no way cope with the rest of it. I feel like he needs rehab and/or therapy. I know I should probably just have the conversation with him, but I just don't know if I'm brave enough to deal with the fallout, and I keep questioning my assessment of the situation e.g. maybe he's not an addict, despite all the signs pointing to someone with problems.

Is he open to being assessed by mental health professionals?
It can be brutal. If I would have know I may not have gone.
I almost didnt go back afterward.
Still going though months later and feel at least some support from being overwhelmed by past experience(s). And looking toward more life changing happenings sometime in the near future that I am not looking forward to. We all do. Alas.
How long you known this individual?

 

[lilcookiecrisp]

Is he open to being assessed by mental health professionals?
It can be brutal. If I would have know I may not have gone.
I almost didnt go back afterward.
Still going though months later and feel at least some support from being overwhelmed by past experience(s). And looking toward more life changing happenings sometime in the near future that I am not looking forward to. We all do. Alas.
How long you known this individual?

This is the bit that I'm stuck on. I knew him quite well ten years ago, but it's only been a month since we reconnected, although we've had very deep and open discussions and he's opened up to me about stuff before.

I know from my own experiences that I was defensive and resistant to therapy until I had my breakthrough moment, and I fear he might be the same. Though at this stage, I'm not sure there's a salveagable friendship, so I've been thinking that I may as well suggest it to him as all he can really do is get mad, and he's done that already.

He's got the finances to get himself the very best help, so it might be worth risking burning a bridge, in the hope that he might listen to someone on the outside of it all.

 

[Nurse Ratched]

Lovely first post. Welcome back to Bluelight. I hope you find it useful here and stick around....if only for your friend.

 

[lilcookiecrisp]

Lovely first post. Welcome back to Bluelight. I hope you find it useful here and stick around....if only for your friend.

Thank you so much! I'm involved in forums for my day job these days, directly as a result of the amount of time I spent on forums when I was younger, Bluelight was probably the main one out of them all! I hope that I can bring a hopeful and supportive voice.

With regards to my friend, I'm thinking about writing out how I feel about everything, and about what I've observed, and suggesting that he take the time to get a mental health assessment. If I'm honest, I see neurodiverse traits in him, I think that's partly why we get along so well (when he's sober) because we've both got the same kind of quirks. I figure if I write it all out, I can maybe send him a voice note, then he can hear me saying it rather than it just being a typed message from the ether. A voice will help him hear what I feel is kindness, warmth, and honesty. I'm trying to "see the human" and I hope he can too.

 

[Nurse Ratched]

^ Great idea. Go for it. He will hear the warmth and caring in your voice and even if he feels a bit mad about it he won't be able to resist.

You go, girl.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

On a more serious note there are more red flags here than a Chinese New Year party.

I admire your desire to treat him like a human and help him, I think you should continue with that if it is something that will make you happy. For your own wellbeing I would curtail any sort expectation past that, absolutely nothing you have posted suggests he is anywhere near being able to make a healthy contribution to a romantic relationship.

 

[lilcookiecrisp]

On a more serious note there are more red flags here than a Chinese New Year party.

I admire your desire to treat him like a human and help him, I think you should continue with that if it is something that will make you happy. For your own wellbeing I would curtail any sort expectation past that, absolutely nothing you have posted suggests he is anywhere near being able to make a healthy contribution to a romantic relationship.

Yes, you're absolutely right. I've needed a few days to rewire my thoughts away from my old "but I can fiiiiiix himmmm" programme, and divert it to "this is a person who needs help, and a friend", and I think I'm going to at least try. As the week rolls by I'm formulating what it is I want to say, but I feel that as a starting point he needs someone on the outside to point out that he's desperately unhappy and that a mental health assessment wouldn't hurt. He can afford private care, so I'm tempted to give him the number for the psych that did my ADHD assessment, as I feel that neurodiversity is at least part of the problem, and that guy can do complex assessments too. I don't know if he'll get angry, or defensive, or avoidant... but this is where we're at and I think that rather than trying to fix a broken person myself, being a good friend would be signposting him to the help he needs.

 

[Juicewrldfan]

Hey everyone. I was a BL member waaaaay back in the day and I'm returning under a new profile, haven't been on here in years, and TDS came to mind when trying to think about where to seek some advice/somewhere to vent about this situation.

I'll give you the background of it, as I think it'll provide context, and I guess also because my head is feeling a bit messy and I could use a place to vent where I can talk openly about drug use.

For half my adult life, I had undiagnosed ADHD, and it presented in some pretty extreme drug taking and alcohol abuse. At two points in my life I had addictions, firstly to amphetamine sulphate, and secondly to MCAT. I kicked both of them on my own by withdrawing from the social circles it was happening in. Once I got properly sober I started therapy for historic sexual violence, an abusive relationship and again, undiagnosed ADHD. I'm now seven months diagnosed ADHD, six years of therapy under my belt, and sober apart from the ADHD meds (Vyvanse and a dexy booster) and a very occasional hard seltzer or three for a special occasion. I'm just about to graduate from this round of therapy and my support worker thinks that I'm ready to try living "the new truth of my life".

So ten years ago, I went to an outdoor party at my old stomping ground, and met a really wonderful guy who was sitting tending to the fire. We chatted for a good five or six hours, fuelled by MDMD and strawberry wine, and it turned out that he was there to DJ and was also the co-founder of a legendary club night in the city I used to live in. I was pretty wasted, and I can't remember exactly what we talked about, I only really have an idea of it... but I remember feeling really peaceful and safe with him (yes, probably the MDMA to start with) and it felt like we made a connection.

I was meant to go and see his DJ set (at 3am) but got stuck in a tent with my friends and someone's little brother, who had gone into a horrible psychosis, and we all kind of had to rally round and support him through it. I missed the DJ set and ended up leaving for home the next day without seeing the guy again.

Thankfully, I found him on Facebook, we connected and had some lovely chats. I made a few mis-steps because I was often drunk or high, and would bother him to chat with no real respect for his boundaries. I went to a club night he played at, and at the end of the night he came and hugged me before he left and just said "we need to get together and talk about this".

I don't remember exactly what went wrong in the end, but we'd been chatting online, and he said something about me making him feel uncomfortable. Again, drunk and/or high, I totally over-reacted and did a big flounce, telling him I wouldn't talk to him anymore then, and unfriending him.

The only time his name came up in subsequent years was in the months after that happened, as I sobered up and became horribly ashamed of my behaviour, and was unable to go to a few parties because he was DJing and I couldn't face him. There was also another occasion where I was at a new friend's house after he'd DJed a festival, and I mentioned the guy's name. My friend was just like "oh he's a right cokehead him" and that was it.

So, imagine my surprise when ten years later, I get a friend request from the guy on Facebook. Because I'm sober, and sure of myself, and curious, I accepted and I waited to see if he'd get in touch. He messaged me within a couple of hours, and had a lovely catch up, if a little stilted on both sides for whatever reason. He mentioned having had long covid, things got a little deep for a minute (I'm pretty sure he's holding in some kind of trauma), and he mentioned that he'd had a bit of a substance problem in lockdown but that his Dad had figured it out and helped him knock it on the head. It was mostly nice though, and it felt like he was doing well. He told me "you're one of the only things in 20 years that's made any sense to me". That was pretty powerful. I noted as the evening went on that he had some pretty grandiose flights of fancy e.g. insisting he'd take me to Berlin, stuff like that. We ended that chat at 3am and on a good note.

He messaged the next day to apologise if he'd been a bit much and said he'd had a few pints. I said that's all cool, it was a lovely chat, no harm done. We chatted more, and he asked if I'd meet him for a coffee date. I explained about therapy, etc, and said that it would be nice but that I might need to chat more first. He said no rush. We chatted a few more times, and I noticed that later on at night, he sometimes got a bit of a "tone" and started coming out with grandiose flights of fancy about buying a cottage in my local area, and getting me to look up listings for him, talking about the money he made, stuff like that. At the time I just thought he must have had a couple of pints or something, and I thought it was a little endearing. I ended up agreeing to meet him for coffee pretty soon after that as it felt like the best way to keep reconnecting.

We picked a date, we picked a location. Then last week he contacted me to apologise because he couldn't make the date, as he had a hospital appointment. Unprompted, he also sent a photo of the hospital letter, which I felt was really thoughtful as he made it really clear that it was a genuine snafu and that he did want to still meet up. We went on to have a great, in depth chat online, this was daytime by the way. By the time we parted virtual ways, I was starting to get butterflies and feeling like we had lots in common and that I really wanted to meet him because I thought there might be something real there. It felt like we were in the same place in our lives, wanted a lot of the same things, and were compatible in terms of not wanting kids and wanting to travel.

Then Friday night happened.

It started with a nice conversation, we rearranged when we were going to meet, and everything seemed fine. I could tell as the night went on that his vibe started to change and I felt a little uneasy. I remember thinking around 11pm that I should probably just say goodnight and head to bed. But, I ignored the gut instinct, and how I regret that. He went into his flights of fancy again, this time we were going to run away together, we were going to go to Italy for three months. Those flights of fancy now feel like a red flag (or at least a pink one) but they seemed kind of endearing at the time. It got quite hard to interpret what he was saying in texts, just because of his wording, but I just assumed it was down to my ADHD as although I can write really well, I struggle to interpret things like tone and nuance in other people's written messages unless I know their voice and mannerisms. It's been so long since I talked to this guy that he could sound like Elmer Fudd for all I know.

Things took a really dark turn sometimes after midnight, I can't quite pinpoint when. He became incredibly morose, belligerent, and paranoid. He said that people wanted to "mould him" and to change him. That he hadn't hugged anyone in 9 years and didn't like hugging people. That people didn't understand him and didn't connect with him, and that he looked down on them. That he couldn't connect or relate to people. He kept calling people "grunts" (I don't know what he meant) and getting angry because those people asked him questions (when I asked him what kind of questions, it sounds like they were just interested in him and his life, he's had a super interesting life and I can see why people would be fascinated). Then, the worst bit for me, he says that if his long covid isn't sorted by the end of March, that he's going to "jump". That he's sick of the shit he's had to deal with for the last three years. For context, I've lost five people to suicide including an ex, and my best friend died last year unexpectedly (not suicide but still viciously unexpected) so I didn't handle it very well. I tried to clarify with him, and he got belligerent. Then he tried to backtrack, then he tried to deny that's what he meant but couldn't explain what he did mean. By this point my CPTSD was completely triggered, and I went into freeze mode. I was too scared to just sign off and go to bed (at nearly 3am by this point) and I was terrified that if I didn't do something that he might have acted on what he said he was going to do. I eventually was able to log off after he said we'd talk in the morning.

We didn't talk in the morning. I hadn't slept and I thought I'd wait and see what he did, and no contact ever came. I was terrified for hours that he'd done something stupid, until I saw that he'd watched my Facebook story at teatime. I didn't sleep that night either, and he was posting music at 3am, so clearly he was ok.

We haven't talked at all since that horrible conversation and with hindsight, I'm now fairly sure that either he didn't knock the cocaine on the head, or he's got a drinking problem. The way that he acted, I remember him getting a little like that when we first met a decade ago, but I figured he's done a ton of work on himself so surely it'll not keep happening. I'm 41F and he's 51M btw. I don't really know how to explain it but just going by the pattern of happy, lovely, flights of fancy behaviour, descending into morose paranoia and angry harmful statements, that sounds like someone who has taken something, or who can't handle their drink after a certain point, and I don't know what to do.

Technically, I owe this guy nothing. I don't want to go on the date with him at this time (not that I think it'd be going ahead after what happened) but I'm hesitant to cut him off completely, because it genuinely sounds like he doesn't really have anyone particularly close to him... though with some of his behaviour I can kind of see why. He behaves like that, he puts up walls, and if I get to a certain point with him about what's ACTUALLY on his mind... he'll deflect and change the subject so nothing ever processes. I'm scared that he'll follow through on his mention of "jumping" after March. Where he lives is pretty close to a huge high bridge, where a famous singer (in our country) took his life some years ago.

I care for him, and when he's sober he's fascinating and intelligent, but I can in no way cope with the rest of it. I feel like he needs rehab and/or therapy. I know I should probably just have the conversation with him, but I just don't know if I'm brave enough to deal with the fallout, and I keep questioning my assessment of the situation e.g. maybe he's not an addict, despite all the signs pointing to someone with problems.

I don't know if there's any advice can be given for this. But if you got this far, well done. Thank you. I don't really have anyone I could confide in that understands drugs at this level, so if nothing else it was good to let this all out.

I have C-PTSD too so I fully understand how difficult it can be. Especially for me I have a hard time trusting people and letting them get close to me spiritually. So it’s difficult to form relationships at times. I think trauma/pain is at the root of most addictions. There is a prominent psychiatrist that said in the ten years he has worked in addictions that every single person he saw that needed his help for addictions had some kind of trauma in their life at some point. And another said when he sees people for addiction treatment that he tells them don’t tell me about your addiction, tell me about your pain. I am sure there are people that don’t fall under this umbrella but it’s been my experience that this is true. Yet generalizing people is usually not a good idea so take that for what it’s worth.

I may have missed something but that’s a lot to reread. Can you please clarify on how he was billigerent. What I mean was what exactly was he saying? Just an example. I am not asking you to rehash it all. It will help give further insight.

It’s difficult to know when someone is serious about suicide BUT we always have to take the suicidal context as though they are serious which it sounds like you know that already.

One of the worst feelings is when you reach out to someone about suicidal thoughts and they don’t believe you, underplay it, or think you are just manipulating. From my experience with suicidal thoughts, I don’t think people really want to die. They just don’t see another option or a better option. They just want to escape from the pain and feel hopeless. Just having someone show that they care even if it’s just a little bit goes so incredibly far when I’m experiencing suicidal thoughts. And then helping them to maybe see another option (encouragement) and in turn give them hope again.

Hope is such a powerful emotion. So, I admire you for being such a caring and compassionate person. Don’t ever let the world change you!

I think just maybe leading the conversation with how you genuinely care about him (not saying romantically) and that you understand the pain and hopelessness he feels. Maybe giving an example of a time you felt like that if you ever have. With C-PTSD it’s likely you have at some point but I don’t want to put words in your mouth. Generalizing people is usually a bad idea so I try to stay away from that.

Anyway, I think that will go so far in helping him. And then if you feel like you connected with him on that level and he received that care and compassion on his end. Then I would try to explore more. Get him to open up more about it that way maybe.

Talking to him is best. It’s more personal and easier to connect. Additionally there is less likelihood that he will misunderstand things that may be misinterpreted in a text. It’s difficult to understand tone and expression sometimes in texts as you have experienced. I don’t think it’s that unusual.

After getting him to explore more with you and connecting on this level then maybe suggest trying a therapist. And I’d word it like that. Trying, because then it’s not so intimidating I think. And explaining how much it has helped you without it coming across as preachy which I know you’re not preachy but again it’s a sensitive topic and he’s not in the best headspace so it’s easy for him to misinterpret things I’m sure.

And if he’s not open to trying it just let it go. Don’t keep bringing it up. You planted the seed and that’s all you can do. Still be friends with him if it isn’t harmful to you and your own mental health. Make sure you keep taking care of yourself as the priority.

You can still be supportive if he’s not willing to try therapy as I’m sure you would so long as it’s not dangerous for your own health.

Well, this is all hypothetical because I don’t know the guy I am basing this off of the limited information I have. Without knowing him personally, it’s hard to say. But this is what I would do. And it’s just my opinion based off my experiences.

 

[lilcookiecrisp]

I have C-PTSD too so I fully understand how difficult it can be. Especially for me I have a hard time trusting people and letting them get close to me spiritually. So it’s difficult to form relationships at times. I think trauma/pain is at the root of most addictions. There is a prominent psychiatrist that said in the ten years he has worked in addictions that every single person he saw that needed his help for addictions had some kind of trauma in their life at some point. And another said when he sees people for addiction treatment that he tells them don’t tell me about your addiction, tell me about your pain. I am sure there are people that don’t fall under this umbrella but it’s been my experience that this is true. Yet generalizing people is usually not a good idea so take that for what it’s worth.

I may have missed something but that’s a lot to reread. Can you please clarify on how he was billigerent. What I mean was what exactly was he saying? Just an example. I am not asking you to rehash it all. It will help give further insight.

It’s difficult to know when someone is serious about suicide BUT we always have to take the suicidal context as though they are serious which it sounds like you know that already.

One of the worst feelings is when you reach out to someone about suicidal thoughts and they don’t believe you, underplay it, or think you are just manipulating. From my experience with suicidal thoughts, I don’t think people really want to die. They just don’t see another option or a better option. They just want to escape from the pain and feel hopeless. Just having someone show that they care even if it’s just a little bit goes so incredibly far when I’m experiencing suicidal thoughts. And then helping them to maybe see another option (encouragement) and in turn give them hope again.

Hope is such a powerful emotion. So, I admire you for being such a caring and compassionate person. Don’t ever let the world change you!

I think just maybe leading the conversation with how you genuinely care about him (not saying romantically) and that you understand the pain and hopelessness he feels. Maybe giving an example of a time you felt like that if you ever have. With C-PTSD it’s likely you have at some point but I don’t want to put words in your mouth. Generalizing people is usually a bad idea so I try to stay away from that.

Anyway, I think that will go so far in helping him. And then if you feel like you connected with him on that level and he received that care and compassion on his end. Then I would try to explore more. Get him to open up more about it that way maybe.

Talking to him is best. It’s more personal and easier to connect. Additionally there is less likelihood that he will misunderstand things that may be misinterpreted in a text. It’s difficult to understand tone and expression sometimes in texts as you have experienced. I don’t think it’s that unusual.

After getting him to explore more with you and connecting on this level then maybe suggest trying a therapist. And I’d word it like that. Trying, because then it’s not so intimidating I think. And explaining how much it has helped you without it coming across as preachy which I know you’re not preachy but again it’s a sensitive topic and he’s not in the best headspace so it’s easy for him to misinterpret things I’m sure.

And if he’s not open to trying it just let it go. Don’t keep bringing it up. You planted the seed and that’s all you can do. Still be friends with him if it isn’t harmful to you and your own mental health. Make sure you keep taking care of yourself as the priority.

You can still be supportive if he’s not willing to try therapy as I’m sure you would so long as it’s not dangerous for your own health.

Well, this is all hypothetical because I don’t know the guy I am basing this off of the limited information I have. Without knowing him personally, it’s hard to say. But this is what I would do. And it’s just my opinion based off my experiences.

Thanks so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful and detailed response. Thank you also for sharing from your own experiences too.

I'm just looking back through our messages to try and give you an idea of where I got the belligerent vibe from, and I'm wondering if I didn't use the right word to describe it. It was more like we'd just be having a relatively normal conversation and he'd veer off subject a bit e.g.

"I want to meet you. I don't like folk. They don't like me. They try to mould me. From big business people to local grunts. Who relates to me? Not family. Not strangers. Not neighbours. Friends use me."

"I'm a shambles. Nobody cares. I live on. I'm uncomfortable to most I guess. But the grunts still question me. I deal with it every time I leave the house. Big questions. Why you like music. What you do. Fucks sake. Zero engagement. Then they tell me everything."

I can feel so much frustration in his language, and in the recurring themes, and I do wonder if that's what lead to him making talk about jumping. It feels like there's something all knotted up in him. Threads I've picked out are family (he says they're possessive), friends (he says they've used him) and people in general (he doesn't like them and they don't like him). I did once get to a point where he was talking in riddles and I just said "something happened to you didn't it" and he said "yes" but then he diverted and distracted and shut me down. It didn't feel right to push it.

Although I've decided I do want to voice chat or even voice note I decided to go in softly with a written message just to check in with him and see if he's ok - and see what his boundaries are. He's read it, so he's still alive, which is something.

I really appreciate your suggestions on wording as I think they're excellent, and I definitely need to make sure I'm not coming across as preachy.

My heart is in my throat after messaging him, but I think it's just my own stress after the last few days of turning it over in my head, and I just have to take it all as it comes.

 

[lilcookiecrisp]

I thought I'd come back and give a final update on this post. After messaging him last night, I saw him read it immediately, then he didn't respond until this morning. His response was pretty generic and just said he was getting over the flu, that everything was fine as far as he was concerned, and said he hoped I was having a good week. I was busy with work so I just replied to say that I hoped he felt better soon as he's been sick for a few weeks. Then, an hour later, he responded and just said "I'm going to leave this now" and he blocked me on Facebook and Messenger.

It was emotionally painful, and I've cried a LOT, but I've got a good support network so I just talked it out with them and managed to get hold of a mutual friend who I had forgot knew him socially. I explained an abbreviated version of what happened, the friend said that he's got depression or bipolar issues, and that the odd behaviour, blocking etc is something that he does a lot with his fellow DJ community - including with my friend. He said it's for the best it happened now rather than further down the line.

Thankfully I had therapy today so I was able to get it all out, have a big cry, understand the learnings and interpret the lesson.

I can't lie, I'm sad and I'm worried about him, but he made the choice in the end and I'll respect that boundary. I also feel that by letting my friend know about it, that he'll be able to keep a bit of an eye on things, as they run in the same circles. I sincerely hope that he'll be ok and that he's able to seek some help and support one day.

Time to focus on me, my own recovery, and know that I am loved and safe.

 

[Nurse Ratched]

I thought I'd come back and give a final update on this post. After messaging him last night, I saw him read it immediately, then he didn't respond until this morning. His response was pretty generic and just said he was getting over the flu, that everything was fine as far as he was concerned, and said he hoped I was having a good week. I was busy with work so I just replied to say that I hoped he felt better soon as he's been sick for a few weeks. Then, an hour later, he responded and just said "I'm going to leave this now" and he blocked me on Facebook and Messenger.

It was emotionally painful, and I've cried a LOT, but I've got a good support network so I just talked it out with them and managed to get hold of a mutual friend who I had forgot knew him socially. I explained an abbreviated version of what happened, the friend said that he's got depression or bipolar issues, and that the odd behaviour, blocking etc is something that he does a lot with his fellow DJ community - including with my friend. He said it's for the best it happened now rather than further down the line.

Thankfully I had therapy today so I was able to get it all out, have a big cry, understand the learnings and interpret the lesson.

I can't lie, I'm sad and I'm worried about him, but he made the choice in the end and I'll respect that boundary. I also feel that by letting my friend know about it, that he'll be able to keep a bit of an eye on things, as they run in the same circles. I sincerely hope that he'll be ok and that he's able to seek some help and support one day.

Time to focus on me, my own recovery, and know that I am loved and safe.

You did your best and tried more than some people would. You have to give yourself some credit here. Not many people left in the world that care about what happens to their fellow brothers and sisters. Ya did good..........hopefully your friend gets the help he needs and his life takes a turn for the better. Chin up.