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I think my friend is gay

citizen cained

citizen cained

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 25, 2010
Messages
507
And I want to help him come out.

Long story short, my friend comes from a very right wing background (homophobic and racist) both his parents (whom he still lives with) are very right wing and homophobic so I can't imagine how difficult it must be for him if he is gay

We have a mutual gay friend so he knows he can come out to us with no harm coming to him.

Anyway, to why I think he is in the closet:
He is 25 and never had a GF, he says he has had sex but there is no "evidence" for this, no pics, no names, no texts

When we are on a night out, he rarely speaks to the girls in the group and only the men

When he gets drunk, he gets very "touchy feely" to the guys, he will hug for long periods of time and grind up against all the guys as a "joke"

He can be quite emotional (can cry easily and gets upset easily) not that this is a gay trait but it's one of the reasons to make me think he may be gay

Everytime he meets a girl (or tells us he is talking to one) it always ends before we meet them or even get to know a bit about her.

He once said a hacker was threatening to put naked pics of him online, the story of how said hacker got the pics is a bit murky (the hacker is a dude)

Every single girl who has known him (and me) thinks he is gay.

He is fairly homophobic (like a cover up)

Now I love the guy, he is a very close friend but I want him to be happy in himself, i just want advice on how I can let him know I am here for him if he wants to come out and that if his parents disown him then "fuck 'em", trouble is, I think he may get very offended if I raise the issue to the point he won't speak to me again because it would "expose him" and he will shut down.

God knows what it is doing to him repressing all these feelings if he is gay...
 
Maybe he is happier being in the closet? Just because he isn't out and proud marching on a rainbow parade float doesn't necessarily mean he is miserable. The is every chance he is having great gay sex in his own private domain and doesn't need your "help"

Have you asked him if he is gay? That would probably be a good start
 
Sounds like a really sucky situation. At 25 though he should really find a place to live away from his parents. I had to leave home long ago (I'm 26 now) due to my mother not approving of how I lived my life (I'm not gay, she disapproved of my drug use, among other thngs) and in the long run getting away was the best choice I ever made.

Maybe once he gets away he'll feel more open to questioning his sexuality. But I honestly don't think you can do it for him, as well intentioned as you are. You say he knows he can come out to you, that's the important part. The rest is up to him, and I agree it could go wrong if you confront him. Just show your support of him as you've already been doing. Maybe he should come out after he's left home.

I'm sure it's hard to see him like this, maybe there are more subtle ways to help instead of confronting him. Just letting him know you'll stand by him and help him start his new life independent of his parents. Gay or not I must admit I find it sad he's still having to live with his parents. Not sad as in pathetic, just sad as in sad. I don't understand how people my age can stand it.

Be there for him, support him, but perhaps it's better for him to discover and accept his sexuality on his own. If it goes bad and he shuts down like you're afraid, it may set him back in accepting who he is, if indeed he is gay.

Just my 2 cents for what it's worth.

You're a good friend. He's lucky.
 
JessFR said:
Sounds like a really sucky situation. At 25 though he should really find a place to live away from his parents. I had to leave home long ago (I'm 26 now) due to my mother not approving of how I lived my life (I'm not gay, she disapproved of my drug use, among other thngs) and in the long run getting away was the best choice I ever made.

Maybe once he gets away he'll feel more open to questioning his sexuality. But I honestly don't think you can do it for him, as well intentioned as you are. You say he knows he can come out to you, that's the important part. The rest is up to him, and I agree it could go wrong if you confront him. Just show your support of him as you've already been doing. Maybe he should come out after he's left home.

I'm sure it's hard to see him like this, maybe there are more subtle ways to help instead of confronting him. Just letting him know you'll stand by him and help him start his new life independent of his parents. Gay or not I must admit I find it sad he's still having to live with his parents. Not sad as in pathetic, just sad as in sad. I don't understand how people my age can stand it.

Be there for him, support him, but perhaps it's better for him to discover and accept his sexuality on his own. If it goes bad and he shuts down like you're afraid, it may set him back in accepting who he is, if indeed he is gay.

Just my 2 cents for what it's worth.

You're a good friend. He's lucky.
Click to expand...

Yea you are right, I think moving home is what he needs to do. I just hope he knows that he can confide in me if he wants to come out
 
One Thousand Words said:
Maybe he is happier being in the closet? Just because he isn't out and proud marching on a rainbow parade float doesn't necessarily mean he is miserable. The is every chance he is having great gay sex in his own private domain and doesn't need your "help"

Have you asked him if he is gay? That would probably be a good start
Click to expand...

That is true, but he has swung in and out of deep depression before, I was there at his worst, I drove 20 miles to give him some company because he was really down and just said he would most likely ended it if I hadn't came over, he just hated himself. This makes me think that being in the closet is taking it's toll, if indeed, he is in the closet.
 
If someone's LGBT and closeted, or in denial about their sexuality there's not much you can really do besides just be there for them as a friend.

If he's suicidal have him get help like calling a hotline, seeing a therapist counselor, etc.

I have a friend I have known for decades that I know is gay. I know this since when we were teenagers he hit on me and propositioned me for sex and I said no thanks, and I did show him porn that had naked women in it and he said how seeing naked women, not just in porn but in general was disgusting to him. He and I would see each other socially, talk and sometimes he would say things like, "When I get drunk I hit on guys...", and I would say "So what? I don't care if you're gay."

But as an adult he's closeted, living with a girlfriend, and probably going to marry her since there's pressure from his parents who he is not out to that he has to marry and have kids. But now that same gender marriage has been legal here for years it's not like that anymore as lots of gay and bi men here marry men and have kids either via adoption, or IVF. But this guy's parents are homophobic/biphobic in that they're not OK with one of their kids being gay or anything other than hetero.

He knows that I'm bisexual but we don't talk about how he's gay and living with a woman, and pretends to be 'straight'. I guess he constantly makes up excuses why he can't have sex with her? Maybe she's lesbian and it's a marriage of convenience? I have no clue but I figure it's his choice.

Another friend of mine is bisexual and deeply closeted, and married to a woman but again he knows all about me; but we don't talk about him being bisexual but he has hit on me and propositioned me for sex before he ever got married so that's how I know, and no we did not have sex together. Plus when we would drink together he would always get like your friend does. But unlike my other friend who I posted about this friend actually has had sex with women and enjoys it.

I know another guy that is one of the most homophobic people I have ever met, and a major poly-drug addict. He has a smoking hot wife, and kids, and I once flat out asked him if he was gay on the phone, and he got very angry and said yes and how he married a woman and had kids since he thought it was the right thing to do. But he's in his mid 50s.
 
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if you want to know for sure, take him to a public venue, like a sidewalk cafe where people walk by. as you talk to him, watch who he looks at and who his eyes follow.

usta be, i'd just throw a toy football at the guy - if he watches it fly by, homo, if he tries to catch it, hetero, but that doesn't work anymore. ;-)
 
I would just joke around a bit , and somehow bring up the topic of being homosexual; say something like "man if I was gay, I'd fuck every guy I could and not even think twice" ..... Now say it with a wink and a smile.... see how he reacts
 
Just be supportive by telling him he can talk to you about being gay if he is, in fact, a homosexual. However, it would be in his own best interests that his parents not find out, unless he makes or has enough money to move out and completely support himself. At the very least, it might upset them if you or he told them the truth. Some people can handle more truth than others at one time.
 
motiv311 said:
I would just joke around a bit , and somehow bring up the topic of being homosexual; say something like "man if I was gay, I'd fuck every guy I could and not even think twice" ..... Now say it with a wink and a smile.... see how he reacts
Click to expand...

Subtle...
 
Does the evidence you observe necessarily point to him being gay, and not perhaps just afraid of women? You could just ask him about it all if you're close enough as friends.
 
Sorry OP (Citizen Cained), you are in a difficult situation - and its great that you care so much. I've had a friend outted a cross-dressing (hetrosexual) friend of mine... and its pissed me off because it wasn't up to her, to out him. So I let it go for 10 years not thinking about, or give a shit and not bring it up. Only a few years ago, I took him to a wild Halloween party. Some people are nude, cross dressers, wild outfits, etc. Think of it as a mini-burning man. Seeing people have sex, isn't shocking... even if its guy sucking a guy or two girls. *It was not a gay or bi party, its just a "no judgement" party in which free expression and sex is allowed* So he told me he'd be dress strange, which was a skirt type outfit... oh well, he had fun and only afterwards said he was a cross dresser. My response "whatever" and went on to the more important things to talk about with a bunch of friends. So, that is about crossdressing... so imagine the conflicts that go in his mind with his upbringing.

He grew up loving his parents, who could do no wrong... and then, as a teenager - know that they will think of him as a devil, a pervert, a piece of shit. He *SHOULD* move out ASAP, live his life with people who don't care. A lot of gay people have (and still) do this. Sometimes because they were ejected from the family, others so they live their lives as normal, but when visiting family - they are "single".

Now, when you two are talking (or even with your mutual gay friend) - talk about how great it is that gays can get married, that maybe those in the closet will feel better about coming out. So in front of your suspect-gay friend but to your gay friend say "if any of my friends come out, I will love them just the same friend, as I do you (to your gay friend)"
 
To Citizen Cained and others: If we look at the homophobia from the loudest people, we will find that many of them are closet homosexuals, which kind of explains the craziness of the GOP. They hate women, they hate sex, they hate homosexuals, they don't understand sexuality or functions of women, etc. And yet over and over again - we find out there are gay. I will post a list below. Please scan it, come back up here - and read it more again. FYI: I'm happy married father with a lovely bisexual wife - we support marriage equality.

So I have some theory on why so many, yet minority are against homosexuality, especially Same sex marriage:
1 - They think gays are nothing but sex. No, they are human. They have hobbies, work, education, family time, friendship, etc like everything else that doesn't involve sex.
2 - They only like to have sex: no, many are in committed relationships, they fall in love like anyone else. again #1.
3 - They dress like freaks in those parades, doing orgies, trains: So? That is a MAN thing, not a gay thing. Hetrosexuals have orgies too. But the ratio is about 3/1 (M to F) sometimes worse.
Remember, when it comes to dating, men are thinking about SEX SEX SEX... when looking at the woman, who they are trying to impress. With guys, there is less to sell. "Want to fuck?" Sure... Lesbian orgies are rarest.

4 - With anti-gay upbringing, a closet homosexual may not know. With testing, they have shown that many homophobes are actually turned on by two men, kissing - having sex. Their brain goes "THAT IS SICK" but the sub-conscience is saying "Yeah baby!" and they are in conflict, which results in anger. Again, refer to my list. And we see stories above about a closet homosexual who is married to a woman.

5 - With gay marriage becoming legal, perhaps more people will be outted by accident. And I think the worst homophobes are going ape-shit in their minds... Its more acceptable for them to be out and gay, but they "CAN'T" do it. For the younger generation, its easy. But as you go up in age, 30's, 40's, 50's etc. its harder for them to 'come out'. Hence, the known population of gay & bi is about 5~8% depending on who provides the info... but I'd say about 6~10% more of population is in the closet.
ie: there are married guys who will consider themselves "Straight" - yet are sucking dick from guys on CL or bathhouses, etc.

SO... by being against GAYs, it "proves to others" that they are not gay... and therefore, nobody they know - well ever know they are gay. But marriage equality is a big deal for the country, and the world... and more and more kids will be OKAY to be themselves... and that will continue to put more preassure on the homophobic closet homosexuals. 55 yr old men coming out gay, still happens... and some of them, might have never touched a man until this.

IMHO, Rush Limbaugh is a closet homosexual, sure he's married to his 5 wife now. But his history with women is... strange. And he doesn't understand women, how their cycles work, or anything else. His home look like a wet dream for Liberace, if he was still alive today.

(The following list was found in 2014)

GOP = Gay Old Party! The 20 EXAMPLES of Republicans / anti-gay activist who are actually gay:

20: Mark Foley : (GOP FL) Exposed for sending sexually explicit emails to an underage male Congressional pages.


19 : Pastor Eddie Long : Anti-gay activist. Had a LONG history of sex with young men.

18 : Caleb Douglas Hesse : Anti-gay activist with Prop 8. But a child-molester to boys. Worked at Evangelical Free Church of Yucca Valley. (note: gay doesn’t mean pedophile. This douche was anti-gay and is a child molester) Arrested in 2012.

17: Steve Wiles N .Carolina GOP 2014 Candidate for Senate – Anti-gay right. Yet worked as a drag-queen from 2002~2010. Photos on internet.


16: Phillip D Hinkle (GOP IN) when this anti-gay marriage Republican was 64 years old, he was caught hustling an 18-year old boy he found on Craigslist. (AUG 2011).

15: Neal Horsley (Anti-abortionist) Admits on radio to having sex with farm animals, his first girlfriend was a mule. Joked about having homosexual sex with Randall Terry another radical anti-abortionist and anti- gay activist. (MAY 2005) 2010, ran for Governor of Georgia in 2010. Admits to nearly killing his son and would do so again for his beliefs. Arrested in 2010 for terrorist threats.

14: David Dreier (GOP CA) Voted against gay rights and part of “Californians for Bush”, had sex with his male staff.

13: Bruce Barclay (GOP PA) Accused of rape to a 20y old man, which police instead found hundreds of videos Barclay having sex with men from hidden cams.

12: Troy King (GOP AL Att.) Against gay rights and sex toys. Caught by wife while he was having sex with homecoming King. Guess it was an accident?

11: Richard Curtis (GOP WA) Voted against gay rights, even domestic partnerships and discrimination against sexual orientation. Busted because he only paid a male prostitute $200 instead of $1000. Theres several pictures, include Curtis wearing red negligee… (not a pretty sight)

10: Ed Schrock (GOP VA) Was against gay anything, 100% no matter what. Caught on tape soliciting sex from a male prostitute in 2004. Ex Navy.

9: George Rekers (Anti-Gay Activist & “Cure the gay expert” ) caught in an airport, returning from overseas with his “RentBoy” escort, named Lucien.

8: Ted Haggard (NeoCon Pastor) Head of Evangelicals / deep in GOP politics during the 2nd Bush era. Busted with a long term relationship with a male prostitute Mike Jones and doing drugs. Says he’s a “heterosexual with issues / might be bi-sexual”

7: Bob/Robert Allen (GOP FL) arrested for offering to blow an undercover cop for $20 (ie: perform oral sex on the cop) and said that black men made him go into the public mens room and pay for BJs. Yeah, that's his story. Funny and true!!

6: Larry Craig (GOP Idaho) Arrested in MN airport for attempting to have sex with men in a restroom. (What is the deal with Airport stalls?)

5: Jim West (GOP WA) Supported many anti-gay bills. Name was Cobra82 on gay sites. Approached several gay teens while in office and out, for decades.

4: Glenn Murphy Jr. (GOP) Was head of the Young Republicans group, in which he mouth raped sleeping Young Republicans guys. (A group political "boy scouts" for teenagers and young men)

3: Roy Ashburn : (GOP CA) Senator, busted drunk driving after leaving a gay club. Was a fierce opponent of gay rights.

2 : Marcus Bachmann : Married to sexless Michelle Bachmann and running a "cure the gay" camp gives him the perfect cover. He is obviously flaming.

1: Richard Curtis (GOP-LA) busted in a hotel with lots of rope and sex toys with a male escort (2007).

0 : Rush Limbaugh (Image Search his home – then tell us that isn’t a super-rich gay man’s pad) Rush is still at 0 because we don't have the smoking gun... er being outed by one of his lovers from the Dominic Republic.
 
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Just let him know however you can that you're there and supportive if he ever needs to talk about whatever. Coming out is hard, even if the person in question has gay friends or relatives in some cases. Mate of mine is a huge closet case, knows I'm gay, didn't tell me for nearly six or seven years and it really really fucked him up and now he's trolling forums for dudes to bang him in all sorts of freaky ways when his girlfriend is at work and has a massive alcohol problem as a result of the stress of it. Then again my housemate was in the same situation, I asked him if he was gay and he said no. Two years later he text me telling me he'd just come out and I was all 'oh that's cool go you!'. So even if he's not up for dealing with his possible homosexuality now, he might be in the future.
 
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